SAVAGE SALVATION (2022) Robert De Niro / John Malkovich / Jack Huston

With Bruce Willis (sadly) out the 'gamble' as the #1 go-to-headliner in bespoke DTV actioners...Randall Emmett hasn't had to look far for contenders to the throne. Mel Gibson has popped up in a few Lionsgate 'cheapies' of late (dragging along Kevin Dillion on more than one occasion this year alone) and now (it would seem) Robert DeNiro (thankfuly taking time off being an under-opionated political gobshite leftist shill) can now be found (feathering his nestegg pension plan) in SAVAGE SALVATION (and like the Gibson/Dillon double-act of late) Denaro (pun intended) has brought John Malkovich along for the ride. Sticking with 'ride' analogies, this movie is a particulary bumpy, drawn-out journey to nowhere special, resulting in it's (already limited) audience/passengers to frequently ask...Are We There Yet?

 

(Fun Factoid: Both Maurice Binder and Saul Bass had nothing at all to do with this title design)

THE PLOT:

Set in some (un-named) bible-belt town, opening flashblacks/forwards (eventually) tell the tale of two young(ish) lovebirds, Shelby and Ruby, who try to kick their drug habit, get engaged and start a family. However, their usual supplier of narcotics (the wonderfully named 'Elvis Kincaid') is non-plussed about losing loyal customers and taunts Shelby with 'freebies' to get them back on his side and 'using' again. 

(Hero and Heroin)

After much 'cold-turkey' montages (and not the edible kind either) the pair eventually clean-up their act, and hit the road to visit Ruby's family and announce their impending nuptials...much to the delight of her (seemingly, evangelical) brother-in-law, Peter (John Malkovich) Good times, it would appear are forecast for the happy couple. However, Elvis manages to catch Ruby alone and (in a moment of weakness) she returns to drug use and promptly dies of an overdose, only to be found by Shelby the following morning. Filled with rage (and armed with a nail-gun) Shelby must first take the fight to Elvis (for giving his bride-to-be the fatal overdose) but as he sdtarts slaying those further down the chain of command, he discovers some startling revelations about who is actually running the drug trade in his hometown. Only grizzled Sheriff Church (Robert De Niro) can stop Shelby on his one-man vigilante crusade.

(Trying to come up with a suitable pun for this picture...But I can't seem to nail it?)

REVIEW:

If the end of my plot synopsis 'shoehorns' the inclusion of Robert De Niro into proceedings...that's only because the movie does likewise. With it's fractured timelines ("One Month Ago", "Three Weeks Later", not to mention the flashbacks/forwards) it's as if director Emmett was trying to evoke memories of 'No Country For Old Men', by having De Niro placed in different timelines (likely due to his actual limited time on set) But unlike the afformentioned movie, the speed, tempo and pace of this movie are very sluggish and (despite the cast) are bereft of any great performances to reward the reviewer through it's dull patches (which are aplenty)

('Rocky & Bullwinkle 2' never sounded so promising?)

DeNiro (especially) is embarrasing here. Remember his (pitiful) beatdown scene in 'The Irishman'?...This movie is a 97 minute embodiment of said scene. It's not his first DTV release, but it's clearly his most workman-like performance in some time (then again, I've never been that much of a fan and as far as I'm concerned he could/should have retired after 'Raging Bull') but his performance here is more like a bad caricature of De Niro (right down to the over-exaggerated grimace face, that his inspesonators sport) and his southern 'drawl' would give James Mason's 'Mandingo' accent a run for it's money.  For a movie with such a 'Just-Say-No' credo..De Niro should learn to say likewise to his casting agent.

(It's only the 'insanely hot' groupies that Keep Malkovich on the set)

 

John Malkovich (who's acting range is now officially listed as '40% toothy-grin') is another actor that I've never rated that much either, but he can be capable of the odd, sinister slimy bad-guy, under the right direction...However, Randall Emmett is NOT that director, I'm afraid. So what we have here, is Malkovich in around 3-4 scenes (tops) spouting off a lot of religious mumbo-jumbo, up until his (unlikely) eleventh-hour 'reveal'...in which he continues to spout even more religious mumbo-jumbo.

 

(Elvis has NOT left the building...Primarily due to him being nailed to 1/4 of it)

 

But whilst not being that big a fan of either (former) A-lister, I can at least appreciate their (one-time) standing in cinema history (De Niro, especially) so even I can forgive them taking the money and running (albeit jogging, at their respective ages) What I can't appeciate is Emmetts direction this time around. Savage Salvation makes Emmett's 2021 effort 'Midnight At The Switchgrass'...with Megan Fox (cough, cough!) look like APOCALYPSE NOW by comparison. My biggest gripe here isn't the 7 different production company logos (which took up over two minutes of the opening run-time) nor Emmett's (over) realiance on overhead 'Drone' shots (just in case, audience ever forget how roads work) nor the (unusually) long first and second acts....What turns my piss-to-shit, is the FUCKING ANNOYING AND INTRUSIVE MUSIC THAT ACCOMPANIES ANY AND EVERY FUCKING SCENE!!!!

(Sorry to 'DRONE' on about the endles overhead shots...DrumRollCymbal)

Seriously folks, nearly every scene in 'Savage Salvation' is intercut with a loud blast of (Alison Krauss-wannabe) folksy blues numbers, which usually form the basis for largely pointless montages, thus rendering portions of character dialogue indecipherable. And with neither 'Savagery' nor 'Salvation' kicking in until around the 60 minute mark, this is a tough slog even when you can here the dialogue. So the first two thirds are largely made up of (slightly worrying) over-stylized scenes of 'Cold-Turkey' or 'Shooting-Up' (I guess that passes as 'Romantic Drama' in 2022?) before the movie finally attempts to make good on it's title.

 

(To quote Jonny Mathis & Denise Williams - 'Too Much, Too Little, Too late')

The finale contains a sequence that could have been a semi-exciting bit of John Woo 'Heroic Bloodhed' but is ruined by the inclusion of another ear-raping folksy blues cover (ironically enough 'Amazing Grace') which might be OK for Donald Sutherland to evade space invaders to...But largely unforgivable over a (already, sparse) action scene in a 'billed' action movie. Made all the more tackier, by having most of the weaponary 'Gold-Plated' (wgich might impress Baz Luhrmann...But not moi)

(Being able to act in one's sleep, is a complement NOT a recommendation, Bobby)

How this movie is titled & promoted is primarily the problem here. Rumour has it, that it was originally filmed under the title of 'Wash Me In The River' but retitled to give it that (quote) 'Geezer-Teaser' appeal to action fans (although it would still be a lousy Hallmark drama movie, without the guns) But honesty in a world of largely 'switch-and-bait' DTV releases is a bygone practice it would seem? As it stands, I don't even think casual fans of the cast will stick through to the end of this movie?

(Malkovich checked his own 'upcoming' 2023 appearences on IMDB)

 

To recap (and thankfully 'end') this review, 'Savage Salvation' is a jouless, soulless exercise in tedium. Put together by a cast and crew that thankfully don't even have (Bruce Willis' tragic condition of) 'Aphasia' to excuse such a lackadaisical contempt for their audience (and/or cinema) It's sluggish, malnourished and loaded with intusive musical interludes and montages (that make 'Rocky IV' look positively Pinter-esque by comparisson) Let's not beat around the bush,  it's not only falsely advertised as an action movie...but also as an actual movie (per se) It guarantees no fun for the viewer (and beyond monetary rewards, I'll wager the cast and crew had little fun making it either?)

(I hope your 'agent' took this picture, Bobby?)

 

 

Come back Bruce, all is forgiven.

FORTRESS (2021) Jesse Metcalfe / Bruce Willis

 I only sat through 'DEADLOCK' less than a week ago, which (for all it's faults) was a giant step up from the (resistible) APEX? (released eons ago....in late October) In fact, the previously aformentioned 'Deadlock' was so 'competent' by comparrison, I almost forgot I was watching a Willis DTV release at certain points) despite Patrick Muldoon's (attrocious) 'Pacino-Wig'

Can Brucie hit of homerun of two 'competent' releases in under a calandar month?
Are things that bad, that mere competency is now deemed the gold-standard?

Read on (if you dare) to find out:

THE PLOT:

Retired, mean old bastard Robert Michaels (Willis...who else?) lives in an idyllic (yet oddly, security-heavy) retreat (for older folks) 'The Forge Mt. Retreat'. This place is so cut-off and remote that internet signals are pretty much a no-no, which is the ideal place for an old grouch like Willis (and his fellow group of miserable crusties) to spend their twilight years in. Of course, Willis can't just be any old common-garden coffin-dodger, so we're treat to an opening scene of him at the camp's 'Shooting-Range' (gee, I hope he doesn't have to utilize such marksmanship later on in the movie, etc?)
Robert's (estranged) son, Paul (Jesse Metcalfe) has been given hand-written directions, to visit his father. Upon arrival, he is greeted by a (rather, foxy and likewise underdressed) camp counsellor, Kate (Kelly Grayson, who's quite easy on the eye) and 'sparks ignite' (tm) between the two. Turns out that Wilis had largely abandoned his son (after his spouse died) and there's both resentment (plus a shit-ton of bridge-building required) to put this Father-Son dynamic back together. Paul (himself a computer whizz) has a 'Crypto-Currency' business that he'd like his father to invest $5m into (to which Willis remarks "Does it look like I have five million dollars?") But before you can (sarcastically) scream "How about spending five fucking days on a film set Bruce" at the screen......A group of hevily armed mercenaries attack the camp (killing everyone in their path) looking for Willis (is Robert Michaels all he seems?)

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

(Just CGI some muzzle-flash over the gun....Work's wonders....Take note, Alec Baldwin)

 

REVIEW:

Right off the bat, FORTRESS is much better than the (lamentable) APEX (although to be fair, wiping your ass with a chainsaw would be comparitively less painful) So, as far as actually good movies go, expectations still need to be lowered here. The good news is, Willis knows his place here (and so does the director) so no real pretence is foisted upon our bald (slightly rotund) sexagenarian to act like a thirty something Tony Jaa. 

Yes, Willis spends an awful lot of time seated (surely contractural, at this point?) and is starting to resemble Don Rickles (minus the wit, humour, work-ethic and athleticism) but in no way, shape or form, is he (falsely) advertised as the lead here (thankfuly)

                                       (Driver, take me to Southfork ranch.....PLEASE!)

 

Top-billed Jesse Metcalfe puts in another of his (patented) servicable, rent-a-hunk performances (and alongside Kelly Grayson) takes the physical-fightback to the bad guys.
The Mercenariess consist of the usual stereotypes found in action cinema....Black hard-ass, Burly second-in-command, and not forgetting the Lara Croft wannabe (replete with annoying front-tuft of hair)

                                                                      (The Gay-Team)

There's an attempt at 'comedy' (oh dear God, no) in the form of gun-happy park ranger(?) Ken Blain (Michael Sirow) who (even in the midst of a terrorist siege) saunters along on a golf-cart (at full 8mph) blasting out (largely shit) rap music (way to evade the bad-guys, eh?) Although his character is actually more pivotal to the plot, than would first seem. However, what was (a little) shocking was seeing Shannon Doherty as Military big wig (I guess Dean Cain was too busy making Hallmark Christmas movies, that afternoon, to participate?) but thankfuly too, Doherty's role wasn't as one-note as first feared.

(When Kevin Sorbo is unavailable....You gotta' bring out the big-guns)

 

 To be fair, the performances (minus some terrible line delivery from Willis) were OK for such an otherwise lowly DTV effort. All rounded off by a suitably hissable performance by Chad Michael Murray (in his third Willis movie in under a year) as the main bad guy, Balzary. 

The UK's Simon Phillips (a likeable actor, and star of many homegrown 'ooligan' movies) keeps the British end up, with his brief role of a smart-ass cab driver (it's his second collaboration with Willis this year also)

(Lionsgate went all-out on the set design)

Action wise, it's mostly myopic gunplay (with a smattering a fisticuffs) The forest setting (not unlike APEX) is utilized slightly better this time round (and is nicely contrasted between scenes in the neon-lit underground military control centre of the camp facility)

But just before Myself and this movie get a hotel room together (for an evening of self-recriminating, cinematic bukkake) there's still quite a few flaws to be found here (namely....yup, you guessed it....Bruce Fucking Willis)

  

(Willis at his most animated) 

Whilst working within his (already, broad) limitations of an 'Action-Star', Willis still managed to infuriate me, with some of the worst line delivery (this side of Neil Breen) His earlier scenes with Metcalfe have been clearly shot in Willis' (customary) one-day 'shoot'....but the film-makers haven't even given him a body-double to emote with. The result sounds exactly like what it is....a shopping list of (interchangable) hoary old cliches (read out with all the urgency of such) Timing, delivery, emotion and punctuation are clearly not on Willis' list of priorities here (it seems as if he was rushed into reciting them all, before his dreaded 'overtime-meter' cost the producers another half million dollars) What was even more baffling, was that even when Willis shared shots with his fellow thespians, his overall 'delivery' was still cat-shit out of a dogs ass?

Also (and I'm not sure if this was an intentional dig at Willis?) but early on in the movie, he's sat down (for an unique change) flipping through an old family photo album....and there's a picture of him jumping into a lake with his (presumably younger) son....Proving that even in DTV-Purgetory,  Bruce Willis' most precious memories are also body-doubled from behind.

(Lionsgate misread requests, that we'd all be glad to see the back of Bruce Willis)

All in all, Fortress (like Deadlock) is serviceable enough DTV potboiler. Lionsgate are back on board for this one (replete with customary overhead drone shots, and almost-theatrical-alike soundtrack and lensing) If you're expecting another Die Hard movie (even part 5) you're gonna be shit outta' luck. However, I'd like to think that the few that visit this blog, possess a forgiving streak (given the already Herculean endurance required to read my illiterate ramblings) So if you're willing to forgo the CGI spectacle of mainstream cinema (for something a little more akin to a 'polished' Roger Corman 80's knock-off) then you could do a lot worse than Fortress (although be warned, that I'm an easily-pleased movie pervert and wouldn't wish my admittedly low expectations on anyone) 

 

(Bruce Willis proves he is going to take this sitting down)

The movie ends on a note, that paves the way for a sequel.....and it's actually in post production (meaning that it'll be released around the time I've run my (usually unsuccessful) grammarly scan through this review) So I reckon the (30+ accredited) producers got so much Willis' shopping-list line recital on film, they've decided to cobble up another movie out of such (wonder if they can have it released by Christmas?)

APEX (2021) Bruce Willis / Neal McDonough

SYNOPSIS

In the near future, rich sick-fucks (are they any other kind?) can be teleported at a moments notice to the monthly (high-price) 'APEX' hunting experience (located on a mysterious uncharted island) The 'prey' are selected for their violent tendencies and general alround bad-assery. One seasoned (seen-it-all, killed-it-all) hunter, Samuel Rainsford (Neal McDonough) is becoming jaded with the (all-too-easy) hunts (and despite his billionaire status, is clearly a few cans short of a six-pack, himself)
The 'Apex' corporation save the best til last....in the (listless) form of ex-cop, turned violent criminal and (Quote) "Fucking Degenerate", Thomas Malone (Bruce Willis) who has been kept in a (quote) "Sensory-Deprivation-Cell" (due to his crazy, psychotic temprament) Rainsford is joined on the hunt by a handful of former comrades (some with axes to grind with each other)

If Malone can survive the 12 hour manhunt, he'll be pardoned and given a shit-ton of money for the grandchildren he's only just found out exist.

Let the hunt begin.....

(A watch that tells you when it's time to retire...DrumRollCymbal)

REVIEW

This is Bruce (Paypal-Verified) Willis' FIFTH release of 2021, and with two more 'movies'* in the can (or more likely on 'videotape) this is surely a an actors* yearly output world record (eclipsing Steven Seagals six movie run in 2016) So before I outright rag on the artist-formely-known-as-John-McClane, I sort of admire his work ethic in 2021 (especially in the kung-flu times we're in) I say "Sort-Of" because despite the quantity of projects, Willis' decade-long 'work-ethic' largely consists of doing as little as possible on set (for a day or two) whilst other (less expensive) actors do all the physical stuff......Needless to say, it's business as usual (with a semmingly lower budget than usual)

(There goes my 'uncharted island' theory?)

Thankfuly, the budget wisely opts to keep FX simple (with only a few futuristic 'trappings' on display here) What limited work there is, is typically low-rent (largely inexcusable in 2021) generic landscapes mixed with some extremely ropey opticals near the end. Joking aside, it does literally seem as if the entire budget went on getting Willis (whose one-time command of a million dollars a day, are surely well and truly behind him at this stage?) so only God knows what the actual budget was?

(A gathering of Hunter Gatherers)

But given my perverse love of bad movies (featuring, used, washed-up, degraded, semi-abused, possibly-suicidal actors) I can forgive a low budget or shoddy FX, as long as they bring 'something' to the movie (even if they're merely content to inhale the stale-farts of former glories) However, Willis brings absolutely NOTHING here, other than winning the 'Most Imobile Performance' since Christopher Reeve in 'Rear Window' (1998) Of course, the biggest question here is, how can Willis play the lead in an action movie and still manage his customary fifteen minutes of inactive screen time....The answer (as per usual) lies in the supporting cast.

(Neal McDonough considers hunting down his agent)

 

Thankfuly, the ever dependable Neal McDonough is on hand, to pick up the slack that Willis' is clearly incapable of nowadays. It's sad to see McDonough clearly thinking he's in a better movie than he actually is (and his performance seems out of place amongst the surrounding dreck) Yes, it's the billionth 'Most Dangerous Game' knock-off (since 1932) and despite McDonough's soliloquies lamenting the complexities between of hunter & prey......the script* still saddles his character with both terrible errors of judgementand contridictory arcs.
But as an actor...He tries (and doesn't shame the movie as much as it shames him)

(Lochlyn Load......DrumRollCymbal Part 2)

 

Lochlyn Munro (no stranger to DTV land) puts in another likable performance (and has a pretty tense 'Bluff-Calling' sequence with McDonough early on in the hunt) Sadly his character is taken out of the movie all too soon.  The scripwriters*get round Willis' commitment-coma by having the fellow hunters 'off' each other, whilst a largely inactive Willis looks on at said carnage from nearby bushes and shrubbery (and despite his bright red jacket, most times right in front of the myopic hunters noses) The kiils (apart from a nasty 'skull in head' moment) aren't particulary graphic or memorable.

(I now proounce you man and knife)

 

In fact, there's a sequence around the half-way mark, featuring Willis sauntering through the woodlands (without a care in the world) replete with twee soundtrack (think John Barry's 'Florida Fantasy' from Midnight Cowboy) If the former 'Last Boy Scout' looked any more relaxed, I'd be tempted to wager that this movie was entirely constructed around one of his vacation videos? And because of Willis' bald, frail-looking visage, he's a lot easier to 'body-double' nowadays and is done so, frequently in the final 10-15 minures (in sequence featuring said 'body-double' offing a dozen, hastily-added teleported hunters)

(Bruce Willis, in a typically 'tense' moment of being hunted)

To add further insult to injury, almost every character throughout this movie points out that Willis' character is old, senile and past it  (take a fucking hint Bruce?)  Which would be fine if Willis didn't prove them right in every scene he's in. The one (half-assed) attempt to big-up Willis, is a female AI hologram stating (Quote) "Pardon my French, but the man is a motherfucker" (which, when bereft of attributive adjectives such as 'Mean' or 'Bad', merely imply that Malone has a penchant for 'Incest') and hardly the iconic HAL 9000 quote that the scriptwriters envisioned it to be?)

(Dictionary definition of 'Mug-Shot')

To wrap up this review (and trust me, I've given more attention to it, than the scriptwriters* did) 'APEX' highlights little but the continuous downfall of( the once mighty) Bruce (Google-Pay) Willis. It would seem that even Emmet/Furla (EFO) and/or Lionsgate aren't interested, this time around (even if the prerequisite overhead 'Drone-Shots' continue) At 66 years of age, I wasn't expecting Willis to be remaking 'Surviving The Game' (despite releasing a movie entitled 'SURVIVE THE GAME' a mere thirty days earlier) But for both Bruce (and the film-makers) to be so lackadaisical, in a movie (and genre) that should be anything but....is frankly, inexcusable.

It's one thing to phone-in a performance.....But Willis seems to be making collect-calls?


 

 

* = Alleged

HARD KILL (2020) Bruce Willis / Jesse Metcalfe

Another month.......Another former big screen star takes it up the 'pipe-that-you-wipe' for DTV dollars. After s(h)itting out on last months  'FORCE OF NATURE' (and passing the batton to Mel Gibson) Bruce (Friends-And-Family Payments Only, No Notes) Willis returns to the small-screen-arena (not to mention looking 15 years younger on the poster) with 'HARD KILL' (Christ, even Seagal would stick a prepositive 'TO' into such generic a title as this one?)

 

(Hard-Sit....more like?)

SYNOPSIS

Jesse Metcalfe plays badass mercenary 'MILLER' ("The Best") who is suffering not only (horribly remdered CGI) flashbacks....but also (what later turn out to be) 'Flash-Forwards' during the opening credits (which is a great way to skimp on the already lo-fi set-pieces and also bump up the running time) Miller (and his team of Dawson Creek rejects battle-hard mercenaries) are hired by Billionaire Tech CEO, Donovan Chalmers (Bruce-Fucking-Willis) to oversee reconnaissance on an old factory that his company wishes to purchase (which despite the location being unspecified, looks oddly Eastern European....but then again, this is an Emmet/Furla production, after all)

(Brucie ponders the Ethiopian-Slim possibility of a 'Whole Eleven Yards' threequel?)

 

Chalmers needs mercenary bodyguards, because an evil terrorist ("The Best") known only as 'THE PARDONER' has stolen some weapons 'tech' and only the billionaire CEO has the failsafe codes. This piques Millers interest, because he and 'The Pardoner' have rumbled before (resulting in both mental and physical scars for our hero) Miller sets about 'getting-the-gang-back-together' (who despite their hardened backstories, look far too young and cleancut) They also have a terrible team motto of saying 'Whoah-Ahh' in celebration (and repeat it several times throughout the 98 minute running time.....which is odd because there's nothing to celebrate here, folks) At very least, Burt Reynolds 'Raven-Team' had engraved zippo lighters?

('The Pardoner', Terrorist, Martial Artist, 'Forever' Black Ops & Steven Crowder lookalike)

Twenty minutes into the movie, The Heroes (and Bruce Willis) arrive at the unspecified wareware....unaware that 'The Pardoner' is also scouting the building (armed to the teeth with a huge army.....that we only ever see in groups of three) Prompting Chalmers to 'fess-up' about his true intentions of hiring Miller and his mercs. It transpires that the stolen tech is (in fact) an 'Artificial Intelligence' doomsday superweapon, known as 'PROJECT 725'. Chalmers daughter (a fellow boffin) has had her reservations about such a dangerous superweapon, and (briefly) went 'Paty Hearst' with 'The Pardoner'....but is now used as a bargaining chip/hostage to retrieve the failsafe codes from her father. With all the cards (finally) on the table, the stage is set....The mercenaries must take the fight to the terrorists (and retrieve the girl) The problem for the viewer is, can YOU endure another 70 minutes of 'myopic gunfire' in a rundown shithole Romanian warehouse?

(Not exactly the 'Nakatomi Tower')

Review

Some single location 'thrillers' can work.....think Tresspass....or even more recently, Unchained (aka Bullet Head) with Antonio Banderas. Sadly HARD KILL is just as generic as it's title would indicate. The bad guys (despite being touted as super soldiers) are easily taken out by our mercenary heroes (resulting in zero tension or suspense) Perhaps if 'The Pardoner'  had dispatched them in groups larger than three at a time, it may have made for more interesting battles. Of course, the bad guys all wear indentical costumes/masks, so only showing them as trios, cuts down on the extras (when you can merely re-use them again) In 2020 however, audiences are wise to such pennypinching, and such cinematic contempt soon leads to mutual disrespect between film-maker and consumer.

(Forget the guns, Metcalfe....Fire your agent)

But let's get to the only reason we watch dreck like this....Bruce Willis. 

The one-time Last Boy Scout gives another tired and uninterested performance here. Having a bald head, also means he's doubled from behind in quite a few scenes, also. His Character is improbably a soldier of fortune cum billionaire tech genius. Early in the movie, he recites out his own list of badass credentials with all the sincerity (and importance) of a grocery list.  Yet despite such a backstory, Willis' character is quite literally hidden away (in another room, altogether) from any (and all) action (save two gunshots, that exist solely to give the movie deceptive 'trailer moments' to satisfy it's TWENTY PRODUCERS!!) In true (switch-and-bait) DTV fashion,  the ageing, barely glimpsed A-lister still gets the final shot, that (on paper, at least) saves the day.

(This week on 'Louder With Crowder': THIS MOVIE IS SHIT.....CHANGE MY MIND')

Alcohol is of equal importance when embarking on generic fluff like this....so it doesn't hurt to eleviate the bordem and turn this movie into a 'drinking-game' to numb the pain. Take a shot/swig/injection everytime the villian is referred to as "THE PARDONER" or the superweapon as "PROJECT 725" in their full-titled entirity, without any abbreviation or nickname.....and hopefuly you'll be suitably inebriated by the 30 minute mark, giving you the intestinal fortitude required to endure the remaining sixty minutes.

(The aforementioned attrocious 16bit Gamecube-style CGI battle flashbacks)

If you don't have alcohol at hand...you could always do a checklist of the usual cinematic tropes found in Emmett/Furla productions:

Comatose (overpaid & underworked) former A-List star: CHECK
Shithole Eastern European location: CHECK
Overhead drone shots : CHECK 

Pointless flashforwards to bump up Running time: CHECK
Myopic Gunplay: CHECK

Despite the 2020 release date, I can only guess that this was filmed DURING the height of the pandemic (with the threat of death from Covid-19 considered a small mercy for cast and crew) Which *might* (conveniently) explain the limited cast (and likewise locations) were it not for the fact that most Emmett/Furla DTV releases before 'Kung-Flu' were just as woefuly inadequate as this one. And it's the afforementioned 'complacency' that really turns my piss to shit....because these movies whilst completently made, scored and lensed are just insultingly lazy, generic and predictable....and it's a bad sign when the audience realise this DURING the movie (and not afterwards) And HARD KILL follows this depressingly moribund blueprint to a 'T'.  Seriously folks, Steven Seagal (however lethargic in work ethic) still puts far more effort into his movies than than Willis (and Co.)


("Whoah-Ahhh...I got them all in czech........slovakia")

So, unless you're a sadistic pervert that enjoys seeing a physically (and likely, mentaly) decrepit Bruce Willis, feather his pension nestegg for the upteenth time (this decade) then there's little much to recommend here (sadly)

FORCE OF NATURE (2020) Mel Gibson / Emile Hirsch

So....let's take a trip back in time (two hours ago to be prescise) and I get wind that there's a new Mel Gibson movie in town. I've never heard of it, vaguely recognise (nor care about) the supporting cast and (most importantly) notice this is a 'Emmett/Furla' (EFF) production. 

My inner-Columbo screams "Holy Fuck...Hollywood's one-time MVP turned STD has gone STV"

The underlying question here is....why?

SYNOPSIS

Emile Hirsch (who I barely recognise from the otherwise enjoyable Into The Wild) plays Cardillo, a demoted, embittered, suicidal ex-Police detective with a dark tragic past (tm) who is content to finish out his career in a cushy police surveillance department in Puerto Rico....only to be told one evening, by his angry, shouty superior (tm) to actually get up off his ass and round up a bunch of people refusing to leave their homes (due to a incoming major hurricane heading that way) Cardillo is also partnered up with an attractive female partner (tm) who is his polar opposite (trademark overload)

(Don't worry Emile, that LIONSGATE logo has a similar effect on me too)



Despite Cardillo's reluctance to rock the boat (and actually do some police work) our two cops are called out en route, to an incident at a food market involving a black guy buying up 100lb of meat (mmm, I hope he's not keeping a CGI wildcat in his heavily padlocked cupboard?) Anyhow, as it stands, the two police officers kneel on the black guys windpipe, murdering him, thus causing race riots across the globe escort the black guy home (who coincidentally lives in the same appartment as the other folks they have been sent to round-up.....Holy plot device Batman!) The other tennants consist of some old secretive, German guy (with security cameras in and around his otherwise modest adode) and the other is a grumpy, shouty, sweary, tuberculosis-riddled, ex-cop (tm) named Ray (Mel Gibson) and his nurse daughter (Kate Bosworth)



(Mad Mel sitting in a chair marked 'Bruce Willis')


But if the impending hurricane wasn't enough, the 'Fickle-Finger-Of-Fate' has also sent a group of murderous thieves to this apartment block (armed to the teeth) looking to 'liberate' valuable paintings (Once again, my inner-Columbo assures me that neither the mysterious old German guy or the largely unseen big cat locked away in the cupboard will in no way, shape or form, bear any relevance to the outcome of the 'Pinteresque' melding of convential crime and drama tropes on display)

REVIEW

Despite not knowing of this movies existence a few hours ago...a cursory investigation confirmed my initial fears.....when I read that Mel Gibson took the role after Bruce (fucking) Willis opted out.



(Talk about a closed-Set?)


It's never a good sign, when Bruce (paypal-verified) Willis drops out of his customary 'Two-Day-Stay' work ethic, which invariably involves his usual fifteen minutes of 'sit-down-thesping' (for around $1m+ salary) But to be fair, I prefer Gibson over Wilis anyhow (even if Hollyweird doesn't) So as the movie unfolded, I was prepared for Mad Mel to have the (customary) switch-and-bait screentime of around 15-20 minutes (spaced out to give the impression he's headlining it, no less) Although Mel (here looking even more grizzled and Beard-ier) doesn't disgrace himself....the script takes that honour.....Alas all we're left with here is an OK-ish opening 20 minutes...followed by multiple 'myopic-shooters' wandering around endless coridoors of the world's smallest apartment block....as the supporting cast, pad out the running time with backstory, exposition and even (despite their predicament) tonal-shifting levity.



(A typically 'tense' scene)

Production wise, everything was competent...as to be expected from EFF, albeit too predictable (right down to the prerequisite overhead drone shots) but the sparse low-rent locations (clouded by wind machines and rain sprinklers) drag proceedings further down. What could have been a tense piece of 'siege-cinema', is saddled with both uninteresting support and predictable 'plot-devices' will leave the viewer (like the cast) checking your watch (for 'clocking off' time) at around the midway mark. The movie even has the gall to open up with a 'flash-forward' scene (involving Gibson) which would be OK if it had any later relevance....but alas it doesn't.....it's inclusion is there to both pad out the running time and give the gave the movie a bit more (much-needed) Mel.

(Gibson 'thanks' his agent)

I'd like to fool myself into thinking that Mel Gibson was doing a 'Cassavetes' here (i.e, securing funds for one of his own master-works) Yet however UNJUSTLY reviled his standing may be in Tinsletown, I'm almost certain he doesn't need whatever little money was on offer here.....and given his many directorial flourishes, woulda-coulda-shoulda at least have a better 'eye' for picking projects. Given Willis' almost coma-like performances of late, Gibson (to his credit) gives a little more 'oomph' and takes the fight to the (one-dimensional) bad guys on a few occasions, but come the halfway mark, seems as disinterested with it as you'll be.

Bruce Willis' loss...Is also Mel Gibsons loss (and now ours)


FACTOID

IMDB have the estimated budget for this to be at $23,000,000 (meaning that either Gibsons salary was $22m....or that the accountants involved should be handed the 'Glengarry' leads)

BEYOND FURY (2020) Darren Ward

This is a review for a movie that's quite close to my own (Guinness-soaked) heart.
A film that has spent several years in development hell, primarily due to funding and the other tribulations associated with making quality movies outside of the studio-system.
After a long wait, it's finally here, in all it's blood-soaked gory glory.

Ladies and (those few) Gentleman out there, I am proud to review Darren Ward's latest, Balls-To The-wall, Gore-To-The-Floor, Foot-Smashing, Pistol-Whipping, Eye-Popping, Southampton Chainsaw Massacre (more commonly known as) BEYOND FURY

Synopsis:

Former Mercenary, Hit-man and all-round 'Double-Hard Bastard' Walker (Nick Roberts) has laid down his guns and 'increased the peace' since decimating half of South East England (in 1997's blood-splattered 'Sudden Fury') Now settled down with a wife (and a child on the way) things are looking tickety-boo for our hero....But worry not wastrels, this aint no 'Tom Hanks' rom-com, and anyone familiar with this directors work, will surely know that notions of both peace and love are about as short-lived (not to mention 'family-friendly') as a Peter Suttcliffe cartoon on Cbeebies.

(Walker - Texas Homecare)

Exiting a resturaunt one evening, the happy couple have a random (yet grave) encounter with two drunken, abusive lowlife's in the nearby carpark. What starts out as profane 'ribbing' takes a darker tone to crude insults. These degenerates are led by 'Spider', son of feared Russian crime-lord Ivan Lenzivitch (Giovanni Lombardo Radice) and unbeknownst to Walker, Spider has a truck full of Daddies 'footsoldiers' ready to cause maximum damage.

(Rednecks)

Walker attempts to defend his pregnant wife's honour but is set upon in a brutal fashion by his unforgiving assailants. Our Hapless couple are taken to a garage, wherein Walker manages to get in a few licks of his own (notably a returned flick-knife into the owners neck) but is soon overpowered and given the 'Ike Turner' workout by his captors. Severely wounded and near unconscious, Walker is forced to watch his wife stripped, violated and subsequently mudered.

(Deadnecks)


The bad guys (drunk on their own self-importance) dump the bodies of both walker and his wife, in a nearby alleyway. Police (led by Joanna Finata & Harold Gasnier) find their bodies...but it turns out Lenzivitchs' goons have made three fatal mistakes:

Mistake #1 was fucking with Walker in the first place.
Mistake #2 was killing Walkers pregnant wife.
Mistake #3 was not finishing off the job.

Because Walker is (somehow) still alive, pissed off and itching for payback.....

Let the hunt begin....

 (Fuck Blondes, this Gentleman prefers redheads)

Review:

Beyond Fury is the 'threequel' of director Darren Ward's blood-soaked trilogy (and a direct sequel to his first full length release 'Sudden Fury') Despite several (hard) years in the making, the sheer determination and perseverance shines throughout in every scene. Whilst still boasting over-the-top violence and excellent FX work....the carnage is never glorified. Ward stays true to the explotation 'genre' he loves so dearly....whilst highlighting the consequences of such bloodletting.

(Don't order the swordfish)


Sure, there's an (almost regimantal) plethora of clichés on parade here. Lesser movies (and likewise directors) would invariably succumb to the temptation for comedic mugging, but thankfuly Ward wisely opts for 'respectful nods' over 'knowing winks'.

For example, the many instances that  various characters gush platitudes about 'How Much Of A Badass' Walker is, would make even Steven Seagal blush.....But in Ward's capable hands, it works. The key is (as always) to play it straight.

Despite (or maybe 'thanks' to) the lack of resources for multiple takes or reshoots, the cast (Ward's strongest to date) compliment each other on screen. Giovanni Lombardo Radice needs no introduction (and shows no signs of slowing down in either his 'craft' or enthusiasm) but Ward has also added a few more familiar faces to his arsenal.

We have Jeff Stewart (The Bill, Mob Handed) who's always great value for money, as Frankie, an associate of Lenzivitch, living on borrowed money (and likewise time)

(Bill Why-Man)


Then we have Dan Van Husen (Salon Kitty, Nosferatu The Vampire & Innumerous Spaghetti Westerns) as Reverend Mortimer, Walkers former mentor, who despite his vows, is always on hand to assist his friend on the path to vengeance (thank God for that, eh?)

(Compadre to Padre...ho-ho) 


But in my humble opinion, the ace in the pack, is (once again) long time stalwart, Victor D Thorn, as shadowy agent Smith, hot on the trail of Walker.

(The one and only Victor D. Thorn)

Yes, Thorn still sounds like Chris Tarrant with Tourettes, but he has a great screen pressence and some genuinelly funny lines (made funnier by the po-faced nature of their delivery) and alongside Roberts, Thorn makes up the Darren Ward repertory company, that's lead to three collaborations so far (and hopefuly more to come?)

 

The rest of the supporting cast give their all too (no slackers here) Notably Dani Thompson & Tina Barnes (both in difficult roles) Whilst Chris St Omer, Gary Baxter, Glenn Salvage and Anthony Straeger give suitably hissable performances as Lenzivitchs' partners in crime.

Cinematography is crisp and clean (as is the editing) and the (John Carpenter-esque) soundtrack (courtesy of Dave Andrews) is first rate. As usual with Ward's pictures, the technical merits belie any budgetory constraints and this is without a doubt, the best looking movie he's made to date (would be nice to see this on Blu-Ray someday soon?) hint-hint, potential distributors?

(There's nothing like a subtle 'Cannibal Ferox' reference....and neither is this)


As usual with Darren Ward's movies, the devil is in the detail. The decades between releases have not only matured the film-maker, but also finely tuned his deft handling of daily 'minutiae'.....Best exemplified in a (genuinelly heartbreaking) sequence, which finds Walker (full of understandable rage) brought to his knees, not by an opponent, but by the mere sight of an empty childrens cot.
You can't buy (or fake) scenes like this.

 Less harrowing, but equally telling, was a scene early on in the resturaunt between Walker and wife. They decide to leave impromptu, but Walker (regardless of the spontaneity) still finishes off his beer (how many Hollywood movies, do you see where the cast leave full food and drink, after barely a forkful?) Whether or not this was planned or just a 'human trait' on Nick Roberts behalf, it still adds a touch of detail and realism to proceedings. It's always little touches like these that stay with me, long after the movie is over.

(Walker knows to always finish your beer...never leave a soldier behind)


 If all the aforementioned 'ingredients' don't attract you to 'Beyond Fury' then it's highly likely that you have any genuine affinity for the genre to start with (and I shudder to think how you actual came across this review in the first place?) However, if you do have a taste for extremely violent revenge thrillers that set standards (instead of merely following them) then this movie will restore your faith in UK independent film-making. Highly Recommended (if you hadn't figured my rating already?)

Unlike Deontay Wilder....get 'Beyond Fury' (DrumRollCymbal)



P.S, Who says you can't buy happiness?
 

See 'Beyond Fury'.....Before it see's you.