HARD KILL (2020) Bruce Willis / Jesse Metcalfe

Another month.......Another former big screen star takes it up the 'pipe-that-you-wipe' for DTV dollars. After s(h)itting out on last months  'FORCE OF NATURE' (and passing the batton to Mel Gibson) Bruce (Friends-And-Family Payments Only, No Notes) Willis returns to the small-screen-arena (not to mention looking 15 years younger on the poster) with 'HARD KILL' (Christ, even Seagal would stick a prepositive 'TO' into such generic a title as this one?)

 

(Hard-Sit....more like?)

SYNOPSIS

Jesse Metcalfe plays badass mercenary 'MILLER' ("The Best") who is suffering not only (horribly remdered CGI) flashbacks....but also (what later turn out to be) 'Flash-Forwards' during the opening credits (which is a great way to skimp on the already lo-fi set-pieces and also bump up the running time) Miller (and his team of Dawson Creek rejects battle-hard mercenaries) are hired by Billionaire Tech CEO, Donovan Chalmers (Bruce-Fucking-Willis) to oversee reconnaissance on an old factory that his company wishes to purchase (which despite the location being unspecified, looks oddly Eastern European....but then again, this is an Emmet/Furla production, after all)

(Brucie ponders the Ethiopian-Slim possibility of a 'Whole Eleven Yards' threequel?)

 

Chalmers needs mercenary bodyguards, because an evil terrorist ("The Best") known only as 'THE PARDONER' has stolen some weapons 'tech' and only the billionaire CEO has the failsafe codes. This piques Millers interest, because he and 'The Pardoner' have rumbled before (resulting in both mental and physical scars for our hero) Miller sets about 'getting-the-gang-back-together' (who despite their hardened backstories, look far too young and cleancut) They also have a terrible team motto of saying 'Whoah-Ahh' in celebration (and repeat it several times throughout the 98 minute running time.....which is odd because there's nothing to celebrate here, folks) At very least, Burt Reynolds 'Raven-Team' had engraved zippo lighters?

('The Pardoner', Terrorist, Martial Artist, 'Forever' Black Ops & Steven Crowder lookalike)

Twenty minutes into the movie, The Heroes (and Bruce Willis) arrive at the unspecified wareware....unaware that 'The Pardoner' is also scouting the building (armed to the teeth with a huge army.....that we only ever see in groups of three) Prompting Chalmers to 'fess-up' about his true intentions of hiring Miller and his mercs. It transpires that the stolen tech is (in fact) an 'Artificial Intelligence' doomsday superweapon, known as 'PROJECT 725'. Chalmers daughter (a fellow boffin) has had her reservations about such a dangerous superweapon, and (briefly) went 'Paty Hearst' with 'The Pardoner'....but is now used as a bargaining chip/hostage to retrieve the failsafe codes from her father. With all the cards (finally) on the table, the stage is set....The mercenaries must take the fight to the terrorists (and retrieve the girl) The problem for the viewer is, can YOU endure another 70 minutes of 'myopic gunfire' in a rundown shithole Romanian warehouse?

(Not exactly the 'Nakatomi Tower')

Review

Some single location 'thrillers' can work.....think Tresspass....or even more recently, Unchained (aka Bullet Head) with Antonio Banderas. Sadly HARD KILL is just as generic as it's title would indicate. The bad guys (despite being touted as super soldiers) are easily taken out by our mercenary heroes (resulting in zero tension or suspense) Perhaps if 'The Pardoner'  had dispatched them in groups larger than three at a time, it may have made for more interesting battles. Of course, the bad guys all wear indentical costumes/masks, so only showing them as trios, cuts down on the extras (when you can merely re-use them again) In 2020 however, audiences are wise to such pennypinching, and such cinematic contempt soon leads to mutual disrespect between film-maker and consumer.

(Forget the guns, Metcalfe....Fire your agent)

But let's get to the only reason we watch dreck like this....Bruce Willis. 

The one-time Last Boy Scout gives another tired and uninterested performance here. Having a bald head, also means he's doubled from behind in quite a few scenes, also. His Character is improbably a soldier of fortune cum billionaire tech genius. Early in the movie, he recites out his own list of badass credentials with all the sincerity (and importance) of a grocery list.  Yet despite such a backstory, Willis' character is quite literally hidden away (in another room, altogether) from any (and all) action (save two gunshots, that exist solely to give the movie deceptive 'trailer moments' to satisfy it's TWENTY PRODUCERS!!) In true (switch-and-bait) DTV fashion,  the ageing, barely glimpsed A-lister still gets the final shot, that (on paper, at least) saves the day.

(This week on 'Louder With Crowder': THIS MOVIE IS SHIT.....CHANGE MY MIND')

Alcohol is of equal importance when embarking on generic fluff like this....so it doesn't hurt to eleviate the bordem and turn this movie into a 'drinking-game' to numb the pain. Take a shot/swig/injection everytime the villian is referred to as "THE PARDONER" or the superweapon as "PROJECT 725" in their full-titled entirity, without any abbreviation or nickname.....and hopefuly you'll be suitably inebriated by the 30 minute mark, giving you the intestinal fortitude required to endure the remaining sixty minutes.

(The aforementioned attrocious 16bit Gamecube-style CGI battle flashbacks)

If you don't have alcohol at hand...you could always do a checklist of the usual cinematic tropes found in Emmett/Furla productions:

Comatose (overpaid & underworked) former A-List star: CHECK
Shithole Eastern European location: CHECK
Overhead drone shots : CHECK 

Pointless flashforwards to bump up Running time: CHECK
Myopic Gunplay: CHECK

Despite the 2020 release date, I can only guess that this was filmed DURING the height of the pandemic (with the threat of death from Covid-19 considered a small mercy for cast and crew) Which *might* (conveniently) explain the limited cast (and likewise locations) were it not for the fact that most Emmett/Furla DTV releases before 'Kung-Flu' were just as woefuly inadequate as this one. And it's the afforementioned 'complacency' that really turns my piss to shit....because these movies whilst completently made, scored and lensed are just insultingly lazy, generic and predictable....and it's a bad sign when the audience realise this DURING the movie (and not afterwards) And HARD KILL follows this depressingly moribund blueprint to a 'T'.  Seriously folks, Steven Seagal (however lethargic in work ethic) still puts far more effort into his movies than than Willis (and Co.)


("Whoah-Ahhh...I got them all in czech........slovakia")

So, unless you're a sadistic pervert that enjoys seeing a physically (and likely, mentaly) decrepit Bruce Willis, feather his pension nestegg for the upteenth time (this decade) then there's little much to recommend here (sadly)

FORCE OF NATURE (2020) Mel Gibson / Emile Hirsch

So....let's take a trip back in time (two hours ago to be prescise) and I get wind that there's a new Mel Gibson movie in town. I've never heard of it, vaguely recognise (nor care about) the supporting cast and (most importantly) notice this is a 'Emmett/Furla' (EFF) production. 

My inner-Columbo screams "Holy Fuck...Hollywood's one-time MVP turned STD has gone STV"

The underlying question here is....why?

SYNOPSIS

Emile Hirsch (who I barely recognise from the otherwise enjoyable Into The Wild) plays Cardillo, a demoted, embittered, suicidal ex-Police detective with a dark tragic past (tm) who is content to finish out his career in a cushy police surveillance department in Puerto Rico....only to be told one evening, by his angry, shouty superior (tm) to actually get up off his ass and round up a bunch of people refusing to leave their homes (due to a incoming major hurricane heading that way) Cardillo is also partnered up with an attractive female partner (tm) who is his polar opposite (trademark overload)

(Don't worry Emile, that LIONSGATE logo has a similar effect on me too)



Despite Cardillo's reluctance to rock the boat (and actually do some police work) our two cops are called out en route, to an incident at a food market involving a black guy buying up 100lb of meat (mmm, I hope he's not keeping a CGI wildcat in his heavily padlocked cupboard?) Anyhow, as it stands, the two police officers kneel on the black guys windpipe, murdering him, thus causing race riots across the globe escort the black guy home (who coincidentally lives in the same appartment as the other folks they have been sent to round-up.....Holy plot device Batman!) The other tennants consist of some old secretive, German guy (with security cameras in and around his otherwise modest adode) and the other is a grumpy, shouty, sweary, tuberculosis-riddled, ex-cop (tm) named Ray (Mel Gibson) and his nurse daughter (Kate Bosworth)



(Mad Mel sitting in a chair marked 'Bruce Willis')


But if the impending hurricane wasn't enough, the 'Fickle-Finger-Of-Fate' has also sent a group of murderous thieves to this apartment block (armed to the teeth) looking to 'liberate' valuable paintings (Once again, my inner-Columbo assures me that neither the mysterious old German guy or the largely unseen big cat locked away in the cupboard will in no way, shape or form, bear any relevance to the outcome of the 'Pinteresque' melding of convential crime and drama tropes on display)

REVIEW

Despite not knowing of this movies existence a few hours ago...a cursory investigation confirmed my initial fears.....when I read that Mel Gibson took the role after Bruce (fucking) Willis opted out.



(Talk about a closed-Set?)


It's never a good sign, when Bruce (paypal-verified) Willis drops out of his customary 'Two-Day-Stay' work ethic, which invariably involves his usual fifteen minutes of 'sit-down-thesping' (for around $1m+ salary) But to be fair, I prefer Gibson over Wilis anyhow (even if Hollyweird doesn't) So as the movie unfolded, I was prepared for Mad Mel to have the (customary) switch-and-bait screentime of around 15-20 minutes (spaced out to give the impression he's headlining it, no less) Although Mel (here looking even more grizzled and Beard-ier) doesn't disgrace himself....the script takes that honour.....Alas all we're left with here is an OK-ish opening 20 minutes...followed by multiple 'myopic-shooters' wandering around endless coridoors of the world's smallest apartment block....as the supporting cast, pad out the running time with backstory, exposition and even (despite their predicament) tonal-shifting levity.



(A typically 'tense' scene)

Production wise, everything was competent...as to be expected from EFF, albeit too predictable (right down to the prerequisite overhead drone shots) but the sparse low-rent locations (clouded by wind machines and rain sprinklers) drag proceedings further down. What could have been a tense piece of 'siege-cinema', is saddled with both uninteresting support and predictable 'plot-devices' will leave the viewer (like the cast) checking your watch (for 'clocking off' time) at around the midway mark. The movie even has the gall to open up with a 'flash-forward' scene (involving Gibson) which would be OK if it had any later relevance....but alas it doesn't.....it's inclusion is there to both pad out the running time and give the gave the movie a bit more (much-needed) Mel.

(Gibson 'thanks' his agent)

I'd like to fool myself into thinking that Mel Gibson was doing a 'Cassavetes' here (i.e, securing funds for one of his own master-works) Yet however UNJUSTLY reviled his standing may be in Tinsletown, I'm almost certain he doesn't need whatever little money was on offer here.....and given his many directorial flourishes, woulda-coulda-shoulda at least have a better 'eye' for picking projects. Given Willis' almost coma-like performances of late, Gibson (to his credit) gives a little more 'oomph' and takes the fight to the (one-dimensional) bad guys on a few occasions, but come the halfway mark, seems as disinterested with it as you'll be.

Bruce Willis' loss...Is also Mel Gibsons loss (and now ours)


FACTOID

IMDB have the estimated budget for this to be at $23,000,000 (meaning that either Gibsons salary was $22m....or that the accountants involved should be handed the 'Glengarry' leads)

BEYOND FURY (2020) Darren Ward

This is a review for a movie that's quite close to my own (Guinness-soaked) heart.
A film that has spent several years in development hell, primarily due to funding and the other tribulations associated with making quality movies outside of the studio-system.
After a long wait, it's finally here, in all it's blood-soaked gory glory.

Ladies and (those few) Gentleman out there, I am proud to review Darren Ward's latest, Balls-To The-wall, Gore-To-The-Floor, Foot-Smashing, Pistol-Whipping, Eye-Popping, Southampton Chainsaw Massacre (more commonly known as) BEYOND FURY

Synopsis:

Former Mercenary, Hit-man and all-round 'Double-Hard Bastard' Walker (Nick Roberts) has laid down his guns and 'increased the peace' since decimating half of South East England (in 1997's blood-splattered 'Sudden Fury') Now settled down with a wife (and a child on the way) things are looking tickety-boo for our hero....But worry not wastrels, this aint no 'Tom Hanks' rom-com, and anyone familiar with this directors work, will surely know that notions of both peace and love are about as short-lived (not to mention 'family-friendly') as a Peter Suttcliffe cartoon on Cbeebies.

(Walker - Texas Homecare)

Exiting a resturaunt one evening, the happy couple have a random (yet grave) encounter with two drunken, abusive lowlife's in the nearby carpark. What starts out as profane 'ribbing' takes a darker tone to crude insults. These degenerates are led by 'Spider', son of feared Russian crime-lord Ivan Lenzivitch (Giovanni Lombardo Radice) and unbeknownst to Walker, Spider has a truck full of Daddies 'footsoldiers' ready to cause maximum damage.

(Rednecks)

Walker attempts to defend his pregnant wife's honour but is set upon in a brutal fashion by his unforgiving assailants. Our Hapless couple are taken to a garage, wherein Walker manages to get in a few licks of his own (notably a returned flick-knife into the owners neck) but is soon overpowered and given the 'Ike Turner' workout by his captors. Severely wounded and near unconscious, Walker is forced to watch his wife stripped, violated and subsequently mudered.

(Deadnecks)


The bad guys (drunk on their own self-importance) dump the bodies of both walker and his wife, in a nearby alleyway. Police (led by Joanna Finata & Harold Gasnier) find their bodies...but it turns out Lenzivitchs' goons have made three fatal mistakes:

Mistake #1 was fucking with Walker in the first place.
Mistake #2 was killing Walkers pregnant wife.
Mistake #3 was not finishing off the job.

Because Walker is (somehow) still alive, pissed off and itching for payback.....

Let the hunt begin....

 (Fuck Blondes, this Gentleman prefers redheads)

Review:

Beyond Fury is the 'threequel' of director Darren Ward's blood-soaked trilogy (and a direct sequel to his first full length release 'Sudden Fury') Despite several (hard) years in the making, the sheer determination and perseverance shines throughout in every scene. Whilst still boasting over-the-top violence and excellent FX work....the carnage is never glorified. Ward stays true to the explotation 'genre' he loves so dearly....whilst highlighting the consequences of such bloodletting.

(Don't order the swordfish)


Sure, there's an (almost regimantal) plethora of clichés on parade here. Lesser movies (and likewise directors) would invariably succumb to the temptation for comedic mugging, but thankfuly Ward wisely opts for 'respectful nods' over 'knowing winks'.

For example, the many instances that  various characters gush platitudes about 'How Much Of A Badass' Walker is, would make even Steven Seagal blush.....But in Ward's capable hands, it works. The key is (as always) to play it straight.

Despite (or maybe 'thanks' to) the lack of resources for multiple takes or reshoots, the cast (Ward's strongest to date) compliment each other on screen. Giovanni Lombardo Radice needs no introduction (and shows no signs of slowing down in either his 'craft' or enthusiasm) but Ward has also added a few more familiar faces to his arsenal.

We have Jeff Stewart (The Bill, Mob Handed) who's always great value for money, as Frankie, an associate of Lenzivitch, living on borrowed money (and likewise time)

(Bill Why-Man)


Then we have Dan Van Husen (Salon Kitty, Nosferatu The Vampire & Innumerous Spaghetti Westerns) as Reverend Mortimer, Walkers former mentor, who despite his vows, is always on hand to assist his friend on the path to vengeance (thank God for that, eh?)

(Compadre to Padre...ho-ho) 


But in my humble opinion, the ace in the pack, is (once again) long time stalwart, Victor D Thorn, as shadowy agent Smith, hot on the trail of Walker.

(The one and only Victor D. Thorn)

Yes, Thorn still sounds like Chris Tarrant with Tourettes, but he has a great screen pressence and some genuinelly funny lines (made funnier by the po-faced nature of their delivery) and alongside Roberts, Thorn makes up the Darren Ward repertory company, that's lead to three collaborations so far (and hopefuly more to come?)

 

The rest of the supporting cast give their all too (no slackers here) Notably Dani Thompson & Tina Barnes (both in difficult roles) Whilst Chris St Omer, Gary Baxter, Glenn Salvage and Anthony Straeger give suitably hissable performances as Lenzivitchs' partners in crime.

Cinematography is crisp and clean (as is the editing) and the (John Carpenter-esque) soundtrack (courtesy of Dave Andrews) is first rate. As usual with Ward's pictures, the technical merits belie any budgetory constraints and this is without a doubt, the best looking movie he's made to date (would be nice to see this on Blu-Ray someday soon?) hint-hint, potential distributors?

(There's nothing like a subtle 'Cannibal Ferox' reference....and neither is this)


As usual with Darren Ward's movies, the devil is in the detail. The decades between releases have not only matured the film-maker, but also finely tuned his deft handling of daily 'minutiae'.....Best exemplified in a (genuinelly heartbreaking) sequence, which finds Walker (full of understandable rage) brought to his knees, not by an opponent, but by the mere sight of an empty childrens cot.
You can't buy (or fake) scenes like this.

 Less harrowing, but equally telling, was a scene early on in the resturaunt between Walker and wife. They decide to leave impromptu, but Walker (regardless of the spontaneity) still finishes off his beer (how many Hollywood movies, do you see where the cast leave full food and drink, after barely a forkful?) Whether or not this was planned or just a 'human trait' on Nick Roberts behalf, it still adds a touch of detail and realism to proceedings. It's always little touches like these that stay with me, long after the movie is over.

(Walker knows to always finish your beer...never leave a soldier behind)


 If all the aforementioned 'ingredients' don't attract you to 'Beyond Fury' then it's highly likely that you have any genuine affinity for the genre to start with (and I shudder to think how you actual came across this review in the first place?) However, if you do have a taste for extremely violent revenge thrillers that set standards (instead of merely following them) then this movie will restore your faith in UK independent film-making. Highly Recommended (if you hadn't figured my rating already?)

Unlike Deontay Wilder....get 'Beyond Fury' (DrumRollCymbal)



P.S, Who says you can't buy happiness?
 

See 'Beyond Fury'.....Before it see's you.