CODE OF HONOUR (2016) Steven Seagal

Back in 1974, the late, great (and much missed) Michael Winner kickstarted the whole 'Vigilante' genre with the seminal classic 'DEATH WISH'. By the time of the third movie in 1985, Charles Bronson was referred to as 'Mr Vigilante' (presumably for postal reasons) But I guess such labelling would be demed 'Transphobic' nowadays?
In 2016 (the rightful heir to Bronsons stoic tough guy persona) Steven Seagal revives the genre...but up's the ante, by being referred to as (I shit thee not) 'The Super Vigilante' (not entirely sure if this is a dig at the current glut of DC/Marvel franchise pics....or merely just the Stout Sensei's ego running into overtime?) But digression aside, CODE OF HONOR has (after a brief stint in about 4 cinemas in Syria) hit VOD/DVD.

Can Seagal still (literally) kick it?....Have I learnt to string together semi-coherent sentences yet?....Read on to have all your fears and doubts confirmed?

A drug deal with two rival gangs ends in a (CGI) bloodbath, when M.I.A Colonel Robert Sikes picks them off from a great distance with a high powered rifle. Clocks get stopped, heads get put to bed, as our cigar-chomping goateed anti-hero casually guns down a multicultural selection of assorted badguys. It's a pretty cool sequence with explosions and shot up cars (but the CGI blood lets it down a little) After dispatching all but two of the criminals, Sikes parasails down (with back projection worthy of an episode of Adam West's 'BATMAN') before knifing one bad guy, and leaving one survivor (presumably to warn others)

(Goatee in motion......Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!)

 The police arrive (surprise, surprise...5 minutes later) and notice mysterious Federal agent William Porter (Craig Sheffer) snooping around the crime scene. After a brief dick-measuring contest, Porter works in liaison with the police, without giving too much away of his actual intentions at this point

 ("I don't care if you are Elton John....FREEZE!")

The director realises too much plot/dialogue/exposition may be off-putting to Seagal's fanbase, so we then skip to the obligatory (if not contractually enforceable) 'Strip Club' sequence. Seagal (requiring no doubles in this location) sits there gazing on as a bunch of surgically enhanced 'Ladies' shake their meat to the disco beat. No doubt, the character of Sikes is meant to be thinking of black Op missions in Angola....However Seagal (the thespian) merely lights another stogie and piehawks in silence (and 30 minutes into the movie, and he still hasn't uttered, mumbled or southern drawled a single word yet.....let alone had words dubbed into his mouth) Seagal talked more in HARD TO KILL (and he portrayed a coma patient in that one)

  (The Horror.....The Horror")

Amidst this naked flesh, we are introduced to the character of  Kerri (Helena Mattsson) a Heather Graham lookalike. In keeping with the order of natural selection/misogyny found in these movies, she doesn't actually strip off, and has a backstory and shit. When her child gets ill at School she leaves the strip club early, after warning her fellow worker to watch out for the scary looking guy sat in the back row (Seagal) as apparently he's a lousy "tipper" (I have it on very good authority that Steven Seagal is very generous with Strippers, Sex-Workers, etc.......but that's for another court case, I guess?)

 ("Nice legs....What time do they open?")

With our unlikely heroine out of the club, Sikes averts his gaze from the dancers long enough to notice a gang of scummy criminals sat ahead of him. With little regard for what few innocent patrons are in the club, Sikes exits the bar, and then gives new meaning to the term 'Blow Job' by bombing the shit out of the establishment (tough shit, if you just called into the 'Snake Eyes Strip Club' asking for directions, or a book of matches?)

 (Seagal regretted eating Chilli-Peppers before a fight scene)

Admittedly, it's a pretty cool sequence to see Seagal walk away (as a building explodes in slow-mo behind him) in what I assume (given how shoddy the actual CGI work is in the movie) a real shot done in one take?

  (Every good Fire Engine needs it's Hoes)

Kerri returns to work (with no further mention of her child's illness) and is met by Porter at the crime scene. Porter notices Sikes looming in the background (like Michael Myers in 'HALLOWEEN' ) But our 'Anti-Hero-Super-Vigilante-Colonel-Commander' vanishes 'Like A Ghost' (tm) These vigilante murders have not gone unnoticed by local crime boss 'Romano' (an underused James Russo, clearly paid in cocaine for his appearence here) who senses a pattern, and is keen to Question Kerri (as the only survivor of the Strip Club massacre) He sends his goons to retrieve her.

  (Craig Sheffer celebrated bagging a role in his first, but probably not last 'Seagal' movie)

 Porter decides to come clean about the vigilante to the police, and introduces Sikes in the customary 'Isn't -He-Just-So-Fucking-Cool' monologue (an unwritten law in all Seagal movies) to his bemused colleagues

(Quote:)

"His name is colonel Robert Sikes....He is a Commander of one of the most elite units....His service record is impeccable....His skills at hand-to-hand combat...weapons, firearms, explosives is un-matched. He's trained to blend into any city, any terrain. And he's using those skills and that training to go after gangs or drug dealers, or anyone, who in his mind is threatening the moral fabric....the well being of this country"

 (Nice knife-Rack)

It transpires that whilst Sikes was leading Black Op missions around the globe, his wife and child were accidentally killed in the crossfire of a drive-by-shooting.....Hence his 'Vigilante-ism' The police send out Detective James Peterson (Louis Mandylor) to apprehend Sikes by all means necessary.

Meanwhile, Romano's goons catch up with Kerri at her house, but Porter arrives and goes ape-shit with his knives. Giving chase in an alleyway (one of the many glamorous locations on display, Ladies and Gentlemen) Romano's heavies are just about to get the drop on Porter (who is out of bullets and knives) when up pops Sikes (and at the 45 minute mark) utters his first lines of dialogue. Sikes mumbles some deep mumbo-jumbo about "Saving The World" and "Anonymity" There's a begrudging sense of respect between Master and Pupil, they agree to not kill each other long enough to arrange a second meeting at a nightclub (owned by Romano, no less) later that evening.

(Just say No.......To fake CGI Blood)

With a few hours to kill (not to mention 'Criminals') Sikes takes his brand of justice to a small gathering of scuzzy drug addicts. Oddly enough, he only shoots the male stoners. Leaving one zapped out woman smoking her crack pipe, oblivious to being covered in the brain matter of the dealer that lays dead, alongside her? A bizarre sequence. Vicious, nasty (and even in a movie of this ilk, morally questionable) but lessened slightly by more CGI assisted blood (are squibs so expensive, nowadays?)

 (The lighter side to Steven Seagal)

In an actual act of rare common sense for this kind of movie, Porter actually informs the police about his meeting with Sikes. And goes to meet his ex commander not only wired up, but with a tactical squad nearby to apprehend the 'Super Vigilante'

Sikes, undaunted lights another ciger (giving his erstwhile namesake George Segal a run for his money) and continues to make up for lost dialogue (by not shutting the fuck up about Porters many failings in life)

Namely that Porter had (quote)

"Fucked everything that moved....Drank every drink....Snorted every drug.....Accepted every vice......Foreign And Domestic"

This seems to be the juxtaposition between Sikes and Porter. Sikes had his family cruelly taken away from him....Whereas Porter pissed his family away. For all the mocking of the movie....This is a pretty good sequence, and Seagal actually manages to nail the intensity of the scene.

(Always turn off your flash, whilst taking 'Selfies' in the mirror)

After mucho introspection, Sikes then caasually announces that he's holding not only another detonator, but also a radio scrambler (to prevent the tactical squad from getting the nod) and that Porter is sitting on a timebomb (like quote: "The one we used in Afganistan") which will detonate if Porter leaves the seat. Romano however, is onto the duo in his club, and a gunfight ensues....Requiring Porter to fight off the bad guys whilst remaining seated. Sikes just disappears ("Like-A-Fucking-Ghost" etc)

(Russo surrenders all dignity in his role as Drug Lord Romano)

Romano surrenders and is arrested, and is due to stand trial. However, Sikes blows his head off at a jam-packed (14 person) press conference outside the law courts. Everyone is covered in Further CGI brain matter, and (hopefully) the producers sent Russo packing with his well-earned $20, and directions to the nearest Billy Zane, Albert Pyun, Eric Roberts film-set (whilst that particular afternoon was still young)

(Utah's Parking Laws were getting stricter by the day)

Kerri (and son) move into Porters seedy hotel room (not sure if that's allowed under Utah's 1998 'Hotellier Health & Safety' Regulations?) Regardless, it forces Porter to ditch his bottles of booze, bond with the child, and clean his act up. Meanwhile there's a (frankly pointless) subplot about the Commissioners daughter  getting killed in the nightclub shoot-out. And also a Senator who likes sleeping with girls that are (clearly) 60 years younger than he is?  The police finally manage to locate a file on Sikes (most of it Redacted) which leads them to question if Porter is making the whole thing up, to cover his own vigilante tactics?

(Let's hope they omitted 'MY GIANT' from this dossier?)

And it seems that the Police might actually be onto something, as Porter flees his motel, and finds a trail of dead bodies that Sikes has left in his wake. However, we are now (confusingly) shown all of Sikes previous kills performed by Porter. It seems\ like an interesting concept? Is porter imagination Sikes as a manifestation for his rage? Quite apt, given that Seagal is always referred to as a "Ghost" (or is a dig at the fact that he's never on set enough) For a brief spell it seems as if this eleventh hour 'twist' will result in the first time a Seagal character hasn't actually been in a Seagal movie at all?

(A guy actually older than Seagal get's the love scene in this one?)

However this 'concept' is ditched when Porter gets the drop on Sikes on a rooftop. The two guys shoot the shit, then engage in a pretty cool knife fight. Sikes notices police helicopters closing in, and jumps through a skylight....Leaving the police to think that Porter *IS* the vigilante. Porter evades police fire, and makes down into the building to see if Sikes Survived the fall. Of course Sikes survived the fall.....he's played by Steven Fucking Seagal. Although he does have to remove a shard of glass from his hand (so maybe Seagal is aware of his own omnipotence) But s soon as the glass is removed, both men resume their fight, before Sikes activates another bomb. Porter runs away, but the explosion takes out most of the top floor of the building.....Surely no-one could survive that?

(Never punch a guy with a glass jaw)

The police retrieve one burnt corpse from the wreckage....which is identified as Sikes. Kerri and her son are siting nearby,  and it seems that the youngster has been given a catchers mitt by his mothers "Friend" (which we, the viewer is meant to think was Porter....however the scene is left open ended by not showing either character).....So, who actually survived.....and more importantly....Who actually existed? All in all, it's a pretty enigmatic and ambitious ending to what is an otherwise routine STV action thriller?

("Mommy, shall I wait here, whilst the guy with the goatee shags you in the customary creepy finale?")

CODE OF HONOUR is a really interesting movie. Sure it's low budget, and lacks big set pieces. But all of it's faults (chiefly CGI blood) it manages to spread out it's limited content, thanks to good pacing. It tries to do something different with the Seagal formula. Like 'Bruce' the shark in JAWS, it utilises the inactivity of it's star, by adding a mystery element. It's not a prefect plot-twist, but it's a risk that the likes of (Seagal's usual director) Keoni Waxman rarely take with his star. Apert from the bad CGI, another grumble is the lack of fights. Craig Sheffer (a really underused talent) does the majority of the fight scenes in this one. Seagal seems content to just sit back and pick off his prey with a high powered rifle. He's cool doing it....But had he snapped a few arms, or at very least 'Took-The-Ruckas-To-All-These-Motherfuckas' and bust some aikido on these street punks....this could have a mini-classic?

(Don't ask)

Michael Winnick directs proceedings in a very workmanlike manner. But (after a glut of previous over-complex Seagal flicks) sometimes 'basic' can be a blessing. I love the theme of the Teacher/Student chase. And the fact that they nearly went all 'Twilight-Zone-ish' at the end was a brave attempt to mix it up a little (after the slightly generic 'ABSOLUTION') But good intentions don't always result in good movies, and whilst I enjoyed the movie.....I could see the average punter (clearly expecting UNDER SIEGE 3 with very new release) being a bit bored, or even baffled with this one? For once the plot satisfies....it's the action that underwelms. Maybe if MARVEL were thinking of another Big Screen PUNISHER re-boot, perhaps Seagal could still be nimble enough?

(The polar opposite to FIRE DOWN BELOW)

After waiting what seemed like an eternity in DTV land after ABSOLUTION (2015) Seagal now has FOUR more movies to be released this year. ASIAN CONNECTION has more action, but looks generic. THE PERFECT WEAPON has a sci-fi slant (but looks a little too low budget) KILLING SALAZAR looks decent (but I think Like Goss and Georges St. Pierre will be the main stars of that one....Plus Keoni Waxman is directing) As with END OF A GUN (but the details haven't been verified yet) Another movie CONTRACT TO KILL will probably turn up in 2017 (same with the rumoured Seagal directed 'ATTRITION') So like the proverbial bus....You wait all day for a Seagal....and then four come along at once.

(Even if you had infinity knives....I would punch you up into the air like a kite)

I doubt CODE OF HONOUR will gain Seagal new supporters. But his diehard fanbase should enjoy it, whilst maybe bemoaning the lack of hand-to-broken hand combat. Seagal isn't dubbed in this one, although he is slightly doubled in the long silhouetted shots of the climactic knife fight. Seagal also seems a lot slimmer in this (which is another reason they should have been more action) A few more fight scenes may have lifted it out of the ordinary (or at very least complimented the plot-twist in the final third) The other performances are all ok (no real stinkers) Sheffer is his usual intense (Don Stroud-Looking) self. Russo is good in his few scenes. Mandylor is reassuringly bland and the requisite eye-candy is present and correct.

(More bad CGI blood)

I was chuckling slightly at the end credits at the bizarre 'Special Thanks To' credits, that kick of such plaudits as (quote) "All Those That Rescue Shelter Animals" (which then makes it look s if the subsequent names have all adopted 3 legged cats from their local Pet-Pound) Axeman 'Eddie Van Halen' is one such name on the 'Special Thanks' list....and to be fair, the funky (almost 80's sounding) Guitar track on the closing credits sounds a lot like his handiwork....I wonder if he and Seagal have ever 'jammed' together?

Interesting (ish) Factoid

Seagals character makes a few references to the term 'Foreign And Domestic' throughout the movie.....which was the original title of this movie, back in it's development stage.




Technical Guff

Code Of Honour is brought to you (in the UK) by 'Highfliers Films' on the DVD format only (Bastards....I want it on Blu-Ray) It is rated 18, runs at 106 minutes, and has zero special features (unless you think a choice of listening to the movie in either Dolby Digital Stereo or Dolby Digital 5.1 is somehow qualifies as a feature?) It does however contain trailers for the following:

The Runner
D-Day Survivor
Haunting At 1666
Essex Vendetta (which looks really funny and right up my street)
Alien Battlefield
Badge Of Honor

MERCENARY - ABSOLUTION (2015) Steven Seagal

After nearly a two year absence (on my own blog) what better way to return...than with a review for the 'Stout Sensei's' latest (which despite a limited '10 screen' run in the U.S.) went straight to nearest supermarket shelf in the UK.......I've been away for 2 years....Seagal has been away from cinematic lead roles since Half Past Dead (The parallels are there, however flimsy)
Ladies and (the few) Gentleman (out there) I bring you

MERCENARY - ABSOLUTION
(Don't call it a comeback...We've been here for years)

The Plot

John Alexander (Steven Seagal) is an off-the-grid government hitman ('The Best') who takes out the garbage that the shadowy organization no longer need. Tired of the endless killing (of which he's 'The Best' at) he seeks redemption for all his sanctioned killings. He needs to readdress the balance of the bloodshed, and perform a good dead to counterbalance the carnage.

Basically, if you haven't fucking figured it out yet.....He's the Mercenary seeking Absolution (He's previously been a Mercenary for plain old JUSTICE in the past) I dare say that his answer-phone message is probably "Hi this is Steven Seagal....I'm not in right now, I'm OUT...either FOR JUSTICE...or A KILL....or maybe just GROCERIES......But the bottom line is I'm OUT OF REACH, right now"

(A Good Man meets a good Mann)

Anyhow, Alexander's sidekick Chi (Byron Mann) accompanies him on 'jobs' (their latest assignment being in 'DTV-Budget-Friendly' Romania) After wiping out some scummy Afghan Terrorist motherfucker, our heroes hold out in a bar, and await a safe exit, through their shadowy 'Handlers' 

Alexanders 'Absolution' comes in the shapely form of Nadia (Adina Stetcu ....who is a step up from the usual generic eye-candy of the DTV genre) Terrified and screaming, it transpires that Nadia (and her sister) have run afoul of sadistic mob Boss (Vinnie Jones) who has a sideline in torturing and murdering women. Nadia has fled his clutches (but her sister has been given the 'Deluxe-Ike-Turner-Workout' by the former footballing thespian)  With his minions in tow, trying to retrieve the girl, Alexander seizes his chance to do the right thing and intervene.
 

 

("You put your left arm in...I pull your left arm out...In...Out...In...Out....And shake it all about")

Both Alexander and Chi beat up the gangsters and flee the scene (with girl in tow) Unbeknownst to them, the girl has has stolen a video camera containing footage of her sisters murder (filmed in Vinnie Jones' snuff-dungeon) However, this sadistic mob boss has shady links with the very Handlers that are safeguarding Alexanders safe passage back to the good old U.S....Making escape from Romania for our 2 heroes, near impossible. Cornered (but never scared) Alexander (and Chi) must take the fight to the bad guys.

(Hitting a cinema near you...Maybe? Lionsgate pull out few stops, in returning Seagal to cinemas)

Review

Whilst lacking the big budget spectacle of earlier movies like On Deadly Ground or Under Siege 2, Absolution succeeds over more recent releases by having a clear narrative (and not much 'filler' plot) If the movie had a bigger budget, then this could have easily held it's own against any action blockbuster blocking up the multiplexes. As it stands, the movie is technically proficient enough for a DTV release (hampered only by limited locations and scaled down set-pieces) Compared to the likes of heavily padded affairs like Black Dawn or Flight Of Fury, the movie is a triumph in it's simplicity. Director Keoni Waxman uses the low budget wisely and gives the fans want they want to see.....Seagal in full-on badass mode. The movie goes from A to B to C, in an efficient manner, ticking all the genre boxes where they count. By now, the audience must be in on the joke, as we watch a succession of inept henchmen foolish enough to throw fully working limbs at our hero, only to have said appendages returned, either broken.....or at all.
Sometimes familiarity breeds 'content'

 

("Anything George Segal can do...I can do better....I can do anything better than him")

Seagal (looking a little older, but wiser) whispers a lot of his dialogue in his usual world-weary manner. However, given his character's motivations (or lack of them) this performance works in his favour. He seems to have slimmed down a little (since Force Of Execution) and remains imposing in his fight scenes. Co-star Byron Mann compliments Seagal admirably (and performs the more acrobatic stuff) If Seagal wishes to take a back-seat in future movies, he could do a lot worse than share centre stage with Byron Mann more often. They have good chemistry together. 

("I'm a little teapot, short and stout...Tip me up, and pour me out")

 Whilst Seagal won't be giving the stunt team of The Raid series sleepless nights, he acquits himself well (for a guy in his 60's) the rapid edits in his fight scenes are not to cover any inadequacies in his skills, but sadly an unfortunate bi-product of  keeping up with the Hollywood 'standard' of fast paced (rapid) action (a big 'fuck you' to Matt Damon and Co. for effectively ruining action-cinema as we know it)   Make no mistake (Like for example, mistaking sandpaper for toilet paper) Seagal is still fast and furious with his hands (and a few limited kicks) However, given his assassin credentials in the movie, he executes a lot of targets utilizing gunplay (shooting/fighting take a 50/50 split of the action on display here) At his age, size and appearance, Seagal still looks more convincing as a badass than (the worn-out cliché that is) Liam Neeson.

("I a-wrist you in the name of the law")

As with A Good Man, my standout rumble was between Seagal and Ron Balicki. These guys go way back (apparently?) and there is a sense of mutual respect for each other (meaning Seagal makes slightly more 'work' of this foe)
Vinnie Jones in comparison, gets tossed around like a rag doll in the final showdown (hardly a spoiler, at this stage of the game) which is a shame, but it's enjoyable to hear Seagal taunt his prey during the one-sided beatdown and refer to Jones as "Bitch" before and throughout their brief rumble. A little more of the final hand-to-broken-hand combat wouldn't have hurt anyone (apart from Vinnie Jones, that is)

(The executive at Lionsgate that green-lit the cinema release...Was suitably rewarded by his bosses)

As previously mentioned, the plot is straightforward enough, and doesn't contain filler scenes, story or actors (unlike say, Out For A Kill or Shadow Man) Seagal seems purposely 'lethargic' (or at least that's the excuse I'm going with?) and the action is spread out evenly across the running time, and there's nary a dull moment. Seagal is on-screen throughout the movie (no long periods of inactivity, unlike say Force Of Execution) Seagal might have been back as an A list star, had he made more films of *this* standard 10 years ago (instead of the incoherent dub-fests he put his name to) Regardless of it's limited cinematic run...I tend to think the big screen has missed Seagal (and vice-versa)

(Producers are hoping that Seagal's 'Gone-To-bed' eyes, might bring in the ladies?)

However, before I go on a full-on Fanboy gush-fest, the movie is not without faults, and as usual it's down to the usual culprit of many modern Seagaldom (namely 'Doubles') The 'body doubles' for Seagal are noticable, but not entirely his fault. They exist more for continuity, rather than the 'fight sequences'. I know the 'Stout One' is rarely on set these days, but maybe if Waxman didn't feel the need to film inserts that link all of Seagal's filmed scenes, they wouldn't be so apparent? The bottom line is, I can guess that Seagal has to get into a car to get from point A to B......However, I don't need to see a badly shot 'double' doing such (I don't even need to see Seagal himself do such trivial stuff) I'd also like to semi-gripe that however brutal some of the fight scenes are, Seagal (who surely possesses a huge repertoire of moves and techniques) could do with mixing it up a little from his usual punch, chop, kick combos of his recent movies. I know these kind of DTV 'gigs' have brief shooting periods, but a little more fight coreography wouldn't go amiss.

("If my ponytail has to go......so does yours!")

Purportedly part of a trilogy of 'Mr Alexander' movies (following on from Force Of Execution and A Good Man) Despite the character name staying the same....The traits (or timelines) couldn't be any different (so I don't think it's panned out as the three-part saga that director Keoni Waxman had envisioned?) More likely that Seagal as going through his historical warlord phase ('Alexander' according to Greek etymology, means either "Defender" or "Protector of man" (Byron Mann, in this case)

(The FX budget for Marvels 'HULK MEETS SHE-HULK' movie had shrunk considerably)

Mercenary - Absolution (however much an improvement) is likely better suited to the small screen. And on that level, it's action packed (and coherent) enough to qualify as an above average DTV movie. It might have worked on the big screen, but a lack of big budget CGI spectacle and limited location work, may have left mainstream audiences looking at their watches (and maybe even their calendars, just to check it wasn't 1994 again?) As it stands, it's an old school biff em' up, with no pretensions to be anything else. It's not Out For Justice, nor should we expect it to be. Seagal is still the 'Baddest Man On Planet Action'...but would/could benefit from a shift in gear (and a change in directors and crew) Whilst hardly likely (at this stage in the game) to win any new converts....longtime fans (who have endured some really shitty movies in the past) should enjoy the movie on it's own limited terms. I enjoyed it immensely (because I'm a pervert) but would like to see something a little different with (the upcoming) Code Of Honour (hopefuly a change in director might lead to a change in direction?)

I live in hope....but overall, this is a solid Seagal movie (and should be cherished as such)

(Here's a poster I created in the build-up to this movies release)

THE FOREIGNER (2003) Steven Seagal

First off....................Happy new year readers.

After a lengthy break (of which there's been little 'modeling work' to fall back on) the endless (nay, tireless) reviews from the likes of our chums at Direct To Video Connoisseur and Comeuppance Reviews have spurred me (off the cider, and) back to reviewing duff movies. What better a title to choose, than the movie which led Sensei Seagals lamentable descent into DTV lunacy...The Foreigner.

(No, that's NOT Prince Harry)

Big Steve plays Jonathan Cold, a mysterious gun-for-hire (with a 'military' past tm) who is hired to transport a mysterious package from France to Germany (with no questions asked) by a shady Billionaire named Alexander Marquee (under the orders of sinister industrialist Jerome Van Aken) The mysterious package however is also wanted by other various 'bad-guy' types, who'll stop at nothing to retrieve it from Cold. And with that, the chase is on....

(Nor is THAT peter Gabriel)

On the road with the package, Cold is teamed up Dunoir (Max Ryan) and so begins a love-hate (although usually 'hate') sense of trust between the two assassins. This would make for interesting viewing as a game of cat-and-mouse between two highly skilled rivals...But as usual Dunoir hasn't got a snowballs chance in hell, of landing a punch on Cold's chin. So it basically becomes a case of 'double/quadruple cross' pretty much throughout the picture, as Cold leaves not only Dunoir, the rivals...And us (the audience) baffled about the whereabouts (or relevance) of the mysterious package? And for the 'hero' of the movie, Cold certainly lives up his name, by letting a whole lot of innocent people get wasted to save his own hide (Swapping his car and jacket to some luckless tourist, not to mention the many innocents blown up at a train station)

(Piss-Piss-Bang-Bang)

And sadly the confusion doesn't stop there, because even the 'linkage' scenes are rather jumbled also. Which wouldn't be a bad thing, as you'd expect Spy Thrillers are meant to have red-herrings and a haphazard sense of logic...but these lapses are usually resolved, come the end credits. Regrettably, The Foreigner makes little sense throughout, and not content with one confusing story, it throws up another four or five pointless and unexplained sub-plots (none of which receive 'closure')

(The Foreigner III: Grave danger....geddit?)

First off, it's established that Cold is ex-KGB (?) But that his brother is active C.I.A, whilst their recently deceased father was a 'American Ambassador to Poland' (divided-family-loyalties indeed?) all of these sub-plots add up to nothing, come the end of the movie.



Then there's the 'Package'....Which turns out (upon inspection by Cold) to be the 'Black-Box' recording equipment from a passenger plane that was blown up by a missile. But it's never really explained why such secrecy or security of the box is warranted (nor needed) as it's common knowledge to all and sundry, that the plane was bombed. And why not intercept the package from the (relatively harmless) people that Cold and Dunoir pick it up from?

(Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!)

And finally, Cold teaming up with a Merideth, (ex-wife of Van Aken) who is apparently threatening to break the story of the black box (wish she'd break it to the scriptwriter) as means of gaining custody of her daughter? Talk about a messy divorce.

("yeah, sure I'll look away")

Maybe none of this would matter a wet fucking fart, if the movie had at least some kick-ass Seagal action. Alas it seems, in 2003 Big Steve was trying to distance himself from out and out action fare, and the movie has about 2 (yes, TWO) fight scenes. Neither of them are up to scratch on previous (and subsequent) offerings, but at least we get a pumping 'techno' soundtrack during such limited pugilism. Which is a shame, because Director Michael Oblowitz throws in some great camera-work and opticals...Just a shame they serve only to 'sprinkle stardust on a turd'

(Being handcuffed to a parkour performer had it's flaws)

Not that I didn't enjoy it (hey, it's still Seagal after-all) but the average moviegoer (expecting another Under Siege) will feel either baffled, bored or short-changed (possibly all three?) But it did seem to kickstart the trend in 'euro-set' Seagal flicks with overly complex storylines, that serve only to fill out either a under-written script or actual lack of Seagal presence/interest. Seagal would (and still does) continue to throw in the 'Ex-CIA-Covert-Agent' persona into most of his characters, but to usually more enjoyable effect. However this time, when placed in such a lumbering story frame, it becomes a case of "All talk-No walk"....which sadly sums up The Foreigner much better than my (similar) lumbering, ill-thought out review. At worst, it's a dull and cryptic spy movie that makes little sense. At best, it looks great and is light years ahead of tosh like True Justice. So really it depends on your Seagal-Tolerance levels?



Franchise Pictures had this green-lit for a cinema release, but the lack of fights, confusing plot and luke warm box-office of Half Past Dead, let to the path of STV that would see Seagal make no less than 23 movies in the following 9 years (yet is still accused of being a lazy actor?) Seagal teamed up with Oblowitz for (the equally baffling, but fight-friendly) Out For A kill the same year, with slightly better results. What's worse is, Seagal felt the character of Jonathan Cold interesting enough, to warrant a sequel of sorts (called Black Dawn) in 2005

Classic Dialogue:

Cold (to Dunoir) "If you touch it again, I will blow your 2-inch dick off"

(Whoever smelt it...dealt it)

STREET WARS (2011) Steven Seagal

More tepid 'Seagalism', as the (yet-to-be-broadcast) series TRUE JUSTICE, spawns another deceitful 2 episode mix-up, masquerading as a feature film. DEADLY JUSTICE was the plodding first entry in the adventures of Seattle sheriff Elijah Kane and his crack (addict) team of awe-struck cops....is STREET WARS (effectively episodes 3 and 4) any better?

Picture opens at a rave club. Pretty young things are 'shaking their meat to the disco beat' as a shifty looking drug dealer, Tom, is selling 'ecstasy pills' to a young dancers (oooh, how topical!) Despite it being clearly night-time, we bizarrely cross-cut back and forth with Kane and his crew, chasing some 'free-running' criminals, who are jumping around like the mad monkey fighter from OUT FOR A KILL.....in broad daylight!

("Snap you bastard!")

Of course, we all know that Kane's younger (fitter) colleagues haven't a chance of nailing this 'parkour-perp', so the monkey man has the decency to run past the stout sensei (saving him any kind of chase scene) whilst his (ever humbled) colleagues gush about how 'difficult' it was to catch him (again, stroking Seagals omnipotent ego)

(The only able-bodied guy to ever give Seagal an order)

Back to the rave club, the inane music, pointless slow-mo's and avid farts continue...the girl takes the pills and drops dead on the dancefloor (amidst unaffected party goers) On the other side of town, Sheriff Graves demands that Kane 'babysit' the mayors son Gates, (fuck me, Seagal actually having a higher power!) Gate's reckons himself as a ladies man (sorry Homes, only room for one 'pipe-layer' on this show)



The next day, we see Tom's father (a dead ringer for Montell Williams) stand off to some low-life mafioso wannabes in the middle of the street. As the convo gets heated, passers by take notice of these hoodrats (one even films them trying to accost 'montell' on his mobile phone, and is shot for his troubles) The hoods take Montell and flee the scene.

(At which point would you stop filming a guy coming at you with a gun?)

More soap opera histrionics ensue, as it transpires that Kanes right-hand man Andre Mason, has septicemia (requiring an inhaler......I guess given the skepticism the inhaler recieves, implies that only 'physical perfection' can reach the high benchmark that Kane sets himself and his team? On top of all this, Masons wife is also pregnant, plus her constant bitching of "Kane and the job consume every part of you" prompts her to leave the (lazy-eyed) defective detective.

(The 'BLAZING SADDLES' remake was coming along nicely)

Gates is scoring 'zero-play' with (one-time rookie) cop Sarah, who spurns his corny advances (like i said, only co-writer Seagal, gets the trim around here ) Kane and his team, find and arrest Tom at a rave. They question him about his supplies, and clue him in on the many subsequent deaths they have caused. Kane even asks "Where Yo Daddy?" to the bemused drug-dealer

(Typical sheriffs office....Swords, Guitars, blondes)

Turns out the sinister mafioso types all work for bigwig who's (Einstein-like) masterplan is to flood the existing dealers with his lethal supply, so he can step in with his 'good' drugs (wtf?) More drug related deaths follow. Gates goes behind the Kanes back, and cut side deals with a female DEA agent Stephanie, to get vital 'intel' on the case. Not long afterwards, Gates is ran over, and hospitalised during a shootout. Kane suspects that there's a 'Rat' in the force?

("This time...he's bringing out the big guns")

An incarcerated Tom tells kane the whereabouts of the bad guys drug factory, and Kane (with his superhuman cunning) deduces (correctly) that this is where Toms father is being held. Our elite team are soon there, shooting the shit out of various bad guys, and even Kane gets to thrown down some aikido on a few of the criminals. Toms dad is rescued, and all the bumbling bad guys (who don't come quietly) are blasted to piss.

(The 'Boss-With-No-Name' )

It's at this point, if you're still awake (or sober) you may notice the (more than obvious) shift between the two episodes. At this point we are introduced to the 'Head Honcho' behind the fatal drugs. I don't think they give him a name (but the henchmen call him "Boss" a lot) and to be honest, I'm in no mood to watch this fucker anytime soon, just to find his name. All I'll say is this:

1) He looks like the result of a 'ménage à trois' between Ed Lauter, Randy Quaid and Terry O'Quinn

2) He is introduced, sat in his limousine watching a (brief) snippet of 'A DANGEROUS MAN' on his television

("Yes your honour, he accidentally broke both his arms before killing himself")

Anyhow, turns out Kane left one survivor of the drugs raid (well, this is tv after all) and he's been shipped to prison. The 'Boss-With-No-Name' orders the survivor to be 'shanked', and Kane arrives, just as the hitman has dropped the blade. Despite being caught red-handed, he (wisely) pleads "I have no beef with you" to a disinterested Kane, who glibly retorts "You will, when you get done with this beating man" before kicking the living fuck out of him and promptly slashing his throat (True Justice indeed) A few more scenes like this, wouldn't have gone amiss.

After a hard day, killing and maiming, Sheriff Kane likes nothing better than sitting in his office, playing guitar (instead of trying to catch criminals) and seems oddly annoyed at having 'police work' interrupt his 'slowhand'

(Eric Clapped-out)

DEA agent Stephanie is found shot to shit. Kane smells a rat (or is it the script?) and has a private meeting with her boss (DEA big cheese) Jack, warning him about the 'rat'they agree to share 'intel' on the case, starting with access to Stephanies computer files. Back at the police station, a (camp as tents) film-maker Seban (Bryon Mann, underused as usual, but having fun for a change) is making a movie about inner city crime, and has it on approval by the Mayor, that Kane let himself and cameraman tag along (given the hospitalisation of his nephew, I'd say this Mayor was a fucking idiot?)

(Oh Mann)

Whilst out filming, Mason, Sebon and the film-crew are soon kidnapped by thugs and taken to an abandoned warehouse (tm) and set as bait for Kane and Co,. The goons boobytrap the building with explosives. Will Kane detect the tripwires (is Russell Brand deeply unfunny?) A shootout follows with the younger bucks, whilst Kane (replete with epileptic editting) chops his way through the few remaining bad-guys (accompanied by a thumping 'Nu-Metal' score) After fucking up (rather easily) the only bad guy who had a chance of fighting back, Sensei Kane remarks "It's a shame you couldn't fight better man, I'da love to kill yo ass!" Sarah gets an eleventh hour phone call from Gates, which is a vital clue to the identity of the 'rat' in the force.

("Steady on fucko!")

Putting two-and-two-together, Kane arrests DEA boss Jack for being the mole (and for Stephanie's murder) and soon everyone is at the hospital bedside of Gates, making shit-eating grins. Gates it appears has cut the mustard as a cop, resulting in the following (and quite frankly...expected) final ego-stroke for the Stout Sensei:

Kane "I got somebody I gotta see, so I gotta hurry"

Gates "Figures.......Who is it this week?"

Enter a glamorous woman (at least 35 years younger than her date) walk in, plant a kiss on our hero.

Kane "What, this one?.......This womans stalking me.......She's stalking me"

(Women want him...Men wanna' be him)

STREET WARS has a few fight scenes here and there, but (sadly) it's obvious why this hasn't been syndicated yet (quite frankly, it's even duller than it's predecessor) Once again editing two plodding episodes together, doesn't make it any more exciting (or coherent) In a David Lynchian stroke, one scene jumps forward (quote) "THREE DAYS LATER" just to accommodate a plot contrivance, only to be followed (a minute later) with "BACK TO PRESENT"....Maybe Tarantino can fool the masses with shit like this, but it's a huge 'fuck you' to it's audience, that makes me angry for buying this fucking release in the first place.

(At least someone's getting a kick out of Street Wars?)

Seagal seems bored (and all this 'nice' stuff is making me yearn for him to utter "Chickenshit-Fucking-Pussy-Asshole" once in a while) The few fight scenes are filmed and edited by Michael J fox (on ritalin) with nary a trademark 'Aikido-move' amongst them. A few minor (trademark) ego strokes and moments of 'What-The-Fuck-Ness' hardly justifies a lethargic 90 minute snooze-fest. I tell you, if this wasn't Seagal up on the screen, i'd be out on the streets, fucking up all and sundry, demanding my money back.


For Seagal completists, and movie perverts (like myself) only!