DEATH RING (1992) Mike Norris

Before i go any further with my inane (poorly spelt) ramblings, may i take the time to apologise for not reviewing this classic movie sooner. DEATH RING is a stone cold classic (that my nephew and myself, never tire of watching) and it's also one of the rare cases of a movie that's better than a lot of the flicks it's (clearly) ripping off.

Matt Collins (Mike Norris, son of Chuck) is a decorated (yet unemployed) 'Special Forces Lieutenant' who has just won a televised 'Tough Guy endurance' competition...which (unfortunately for him) attracts the attention of perverse millionaire 'Danton Vachs' (Billy Drago, son of a bitch, i guess?)

('Self Explanatory' picture #1)

Vachs puts together human-hunting weekends for rich clients, and impressed by Matts stamina, thinks he's found the perfect prey for his next hunt (after a disappointing 'hunt' last year) Vachs (replete with Chinese henchwoman, Miss Ling) sends out his goons to capture Matt, and bring him to his island. What he doesn't know is, Matt is not only resourceful...but he's a 'Double-Hard Bastard' to boot!


("Fuck The Great Escape" thought Chad McQueen)

Oblivious to all of this, Matt is going through the usual routine "Poor me and my rich girlfriend" self-recriminating shit. Matt feels he should be the one 'bringing home the bacon' (so to speak) instead of his wealthy girlfriend Lauren. He has another shoulder to blubber on, in the shape of ex-army buddy 'Skylord' Harris (Chad McQueen, son of Steve) a laid back 'Bret Michaels' wannabe biker boy, who apparently is (quote) "Like all birds, clumsy on the ground...but in the air there's nobody better" and has also saved Matts life during combat service.


(Hey, even bad guys gotta 'date' too)

One softcore sex-scene later, both Matt and Lauren are kidnapped by Vach's goons and taken to meet their captor. Skylord gets on the case, rushing around town, doing the whole "Have you seen this tattoo" shamus shit, kicking a little ass, and forsaking the obligatory 'Playboy trimmage', on his quest to find his buddies.


(An unpleased Skylord is asked "Is that a gun in your pocket?")

Matt awakes on Vachs island, and is introduced to the hunters (a motley bunch of crude stereotypes) and is also reunited with Lauren, who will act as an incentive for him putting on a good chase for the hunters....who all introduce themselves at the dinner table:


Apache (Henry Kingi) a strong silent 'Red-Indian' type, who cites his specialist skills as "Apache". When asked "Is that it?".....He replies "It's enough!"


The Iceman (Victor Quintero) who simply introduces himself as "Soldier Of Fortune"


Mr Chen (George Kee cheung) ex KCIA (and chief decapitator from 'The Exterminator')


Mr Temple (Donegan Smith) a Casey Kasem looking attorney/infamous hunter/evil bastard


Mr Cross (Bramscombe Richard) a briefly glimpsed, rather pissed off hunter who makes the mistake of badmouthing Vach, mid-speech (no-one puts 'Billy' in the corner) and is promptly stabbed with a fork, before being kicked to death by Danton for his troubles.


(Vach gets 'Fork-in-Cross')

Eighteen kicks later (yep, i counted them) plus one more for luck Vachs has his two female bodyguards (Bambi & Thumper) to remove the body, before launching into another long winded Billy Drago-esque speech (replete with crazy hand gestures, and pseudo cod-psychology) and even has a 'weapons lottery', by drawing numbered balls and giving out (racially stereotypical) weapons to the hunters, and showing off the elusive prize for the winner....the FUCKING DEATH RING!!!!!! (Oh yeah!)

('Self Explanatory' picture #2)

The next morning, Matt is given a four hour head start by Vachs, but not before vowing to get back at his captor. Vachs promises to let Matt and Lauren walk free, as long as he "evades the hunters" But on a deserted island, Matt can run....but is unlikely to hide. During his headstart, we are treat to the hunters getting psyched up (Apache lights a fire and shouts war cries...Iceman lifts weights...Mr Chen and Temple swap some spiritual mumbo-jumbo, whilst meditating)

(Drago stipulated that only HE could move his hands, during dialogue)


Matt meanwhile (in true Rambo style) makes a few traps out of branches, and covers his face in dirt as camouflage (although his stonewashed 501's and bright green shirt may betray such noble intentions) Vachs has his hunters drink snakeblood, before launching into another incoherent ramble (but hey, this IS Billy Drago, afterall) before finally unleashing the hunters. Apparently Vachs has his hunters microphoned, so along with Miss Ling, he sits back in his mansion and listens to the carnage firsthand.


("Hips or Lips?")


First up, Mr Chen gets the drop on Matt. After much kung-foolery, the 'oriental gentleman' is caught in a makeshift trap and stabbed. A victorious Matt shouts more of the obligatory "I'm coming to get you" crapola to (an unimpressed) Vachs. Skylord putting the clues together back home and during his snooping, is kidnapped by a strange man (who, thankfully has no famous relatives) and turns out to be after Vachs himself. He forces a beat up goon (from pic #5) to spill the beans on Vachs island and sends Skylord off to find his friend.


(Well, i've gotta try attract female readers to this blog as well)


Wandering through the woods, Matt falls down a hole and is at first attacked and then befriended by John Blackwell (Don Swayze, brother of the late lamented Patrick) who explains that he's hid down the cavern, since evading the last lot of hunters. Problem is, Blackwell has injured his leg, but together the two 'huntee's' decide that two heads are better than one (even if Swayze's head looks like a 'shrunken' version of his brothers) and set out to turn the tables on the remaining hunters.

(and homosexual readers, also)


And along comes Apache (replete with tomahawk) races at Matt, and after much fuck-uppage is promptly skewered/murdered, in a scene likely to evoke memories of the cheyanne massacre from Soldier Blue. During another bout of "I'm gonna get you's" by Matt, Vachs overhears Blackwells voice, to which the injured huntee replies "Yeah, it's me...back from the dead and ready to kick your ass"


(Typical Republicans in '92'....hiding behind Bush)


Sensing the prey is imminent (a clearly insane) Mr Temple garrotes The Iceman (talk about 'helping the enemy') and takes his trademark machete before engaging in a battle with Matt. This sets the scene for some great metaphorical dialogue before the ruckus:

(The iceman Gonneth)

Temple "I've never lost at anything...not in law, not with women, not in games. I'm grateful for you being so skilled, it's kept me from my first failure"

Matt "Jury's still out on this case"

Temple "I've heard they reached a verdict" (before lunging with a huge machete)


(Temple proved to be a bit of a redneck)


Matt gets a few kicks in, but Temple starts to kick the shit out of him. Just as Temple moves in for the kill, Blackwell bashes the fuck out of the psychotic lawyers neck, thus saving Matts life (and inching closer to a man-o-mano with Vach at his island fortress)

(Yep, Ray Liotta and Michael Jackson DID breed)

Both Matt and Blackwell storm Vachs liar (making short shrift of the many guards) and hey look, Skylord pulls up in a fucking helicopter. I guess we can now expect a showdown between Matt and Vachs, and Lauren against Miss Ling? In a noble act of chivalry, Matt spares us a female rumble by kicking Miss Ling out the fucking window, before getting into a swordfight with Vach...resulting in much more 'rhubarb, rhubarb' from Drago, before a messy decapitation takes care of the perverted millionaire.

("Gillette...the best a perverted millionaire can get!")

Matt and Lauren are reunited, Skylord drops in to say hello. Old friends are reunited and new friends (i.e, Blackwell) are introduced. Just as all this shit seems tied up, Matt is suddenly attacked by Miss Fucking Ling (one tough bitch, she be) Lauren shoots her a new asshole though...so despite my assertion that Matt Collins is indeed a "Double-Hard-Bastard"...he has (in fact) been saved from imminent death by nearly every good guy in this movie.

("Come to Drago's eaterie....Just $10 a head")


With Vachs island fortress loaded with explosions, and the good guys about to fly away to freedom, Matt leaves the safety of the helicopter and runs back to the mansion, but returns seconds later. Airbound and shit-eating grins aside, Lauren asks her intended why he went back to the mansion for. Matt lifts up his hand, and proudly announces "THE DEATH RING" (classic end to a classic movie...with a pay off rivaled only by Martin Kove's 'pour-beer-on-own-head' finale from 'Project Shadowchaser')

(Got-Gold-Get-Gash)

Death Ring may lack the budget of HARD TARGET, or the 'first-generation' cast of SURVIVING THE GAME...But for my money (which admittedly is paltry) DEATH RING is one the finest 'Most Dangerous Game' rip-offs out there. And a must for fans of STV movies, and Billy Drago completests everywhere (of which I am) For good solid storytelling, above average production values and performances, DEATH RING is one to 'Hunt' down (geddit...hunt....ha-ha-ha!...I made a funny!)

BTW, was it intentional to have characters named Mr Cross and Mr Blackwell in the same movie?.....I soupose it was....Ha-Ha..I'm on a (Bread) roll with the gags...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (cough, splutter, spits out cheap cider, etc)

DEATH GAME (2001) Joe Lara

Sat up in the clouds (at DVD Heaven) I was trying to think of a good review (until i woke up and remembered I'm a lousy reviewer anyhow) So i thought I'd delve through my (extensive) back-catalogue of (rightfully) obscure DVD releases. And after much musing, i came across this bizarre hybrid of various genres, which i like to call 'HE GOT DEATH WISH GAME' more commonly known as DEATH GAME.

(Slightly different name......Same shit!)

DEATH GAME is credited as being a 2001 production (though it looks like it was made circa 1987) Only a few (lame) hip-hop beats, and 'Michael Jordan' posters prove otherwise. It's also part of a new (new) CANNON MOVIES spin off, known as NEW CANNON INC (which makes it sound more like a computer printer, than a studio on a comeback) Plus it's a 'Menahem Golan joint' (so depending on your tastes, you can stop reading now....or at least take pleasure from my many spelling mistakes, throughout this review)

The pic opens up with a basketball game (at a high school) between 'The Tigers' and 'The Supremes'. The cheesy synth/rock soundtrack also highlight the catchy self-titled 'Ditty' which plays over this (rather) un-energetic game. The Tigers star player Jackie Stewart is heading for the NBA, and his coach, Mickey Haiden (Joe Lara) is determined to keep his star pupil on the straight and narrow. However, when two Russian hoods enter the game at half time and try to lure Jackie with a sports car (a $7,000 Hyundai Sonata) and a bag of 'Devils Dandruff, the Coach finds the drugs in the locker-room, he goes ape-shit and will risk (seemingly) everything, to help his star pupil.

(Sadly Bokeem Woodbine was unavailable....and worse still, Joe Lara WAS!)

After a coked-up Jackie under performs in the second half, Haiden confronts the two hoods, you laugh at him. And he also follows Jackie home...and gets (rather uncomfortably) friendly with Jackie's mother (who keeps asking the Coach to call her mother, and declares "My house is your house")

(Jackie's Mom talls the neighbours that "No-one steals from the 'House Of Dolemite')

Actually, the movie is littered with misplaced parental responsibilities like this. Jackie's mom seems more maternal towards the coach, than her own son...and the coach (literally) sacrifices his families safety, over Jackie's career. I'd like to think there was pre-written undercurrent of 'dynamic repression' built into the plot...but it's probably just bad writing (and believe me, the movie is littered with such)

(Coach Haiden, with his overlooked family, and unlikely mother)

Coach follows Jackie to a nightclub (called 'The Reactor') and sees his star player, getting all friendly with the Russian Goons (plus a few ditzy sluts) and asks Jackieto leave, but is bluntly told to "Fuck Off!" Haiden confronts the two hoods, and covers them in the leftover 'cocaine'...which promptly leads to them kicking the shit out of him (Lara's no big action star in this one folks, so get used to it)

("Who ordered coke?")

Jackie, the hoods and whores all head to a (not-so) luxurious mansion, in which the would-be Michael Jordan, indulges in some 'water sports' in the Jacuzzi with the two bimbos. Meanwhile, the two hoods report to their boss, the sinister Mr Big, who wants to lure Jackie over to the darkside. With a house/henchmen/sluts of this calibre at his disposal, you'd expect the bad guy to be some suave, handsome, musclebound villain...............well, instead of that, we get Billy-Fucking-Drago (probably the reason i bought this dvd in the first place) playing crimelord, extraordinaire, Shakes Montrose (great name BTW) replete with crazy hand gestures, Sam Seed wig, and monologues that would make Anders Hove wince.

(One for the ladies)

Montrose doesn't want the Coach meddling in his business, and sends his goons round to give the 'Haiden Family' a scare. Haiden (still beat up from the nightclub fiasco) is at hospital with his wife, leaving his young son, home alone (with Guard dog Bubbles, as protection) The hoods taunt the boy and kill his dog. When Coach returns home, he finds his traumatised son in the bath-tub, holding a (obviously, fake) dead dog (which resembles a white fur coat) covered in ketchup. With a warning smeared in blood across the walls that states:

"A 3 POINT GAME"
"#1 DOG"
"#2 ?"

The police arrive at the Haiden household, and an old friend, sympathetic police Chief Canton (the legend that is Richard Lynch) assures Haiden that he'll receive police protection 24/7 until the culprits are found. However (and let's face it, you didn't expect Richard Lynch to be a fucking choir-boy now, did you?) it turns out that the Chief is on the 'payroll' of the (ever-so-good-looking) Montrose.

(And another for the ladies)

Meanwhile Jackie convinces Montrose to make peace with the coach. And they all go out for a meal (witness Jackies mom look aghast at the prospect of $1000 food, which looks like plain old soup to you and I!) When Montrose pulls Haiden to one side, to cut a shifty deal over Jackie's future...the coach refuses. Montrose (slightly pissed off) later sends his goons round Haidens home (which isn't particularly well police protected) to make good on their earlier blood-smeared threat. Once inside, they procede to rape the shit out of the Coaches wife (in a genuinely uncomfortable scene, that sits uneasy with the surrounding cheese) But i suppose CANNON would never shy away from the odd rape scene in their movies, so I guess we're stuck with it (or maybe they should have retitled it 'FORCED-LOVE AND BASKETBALL'...ho-ho!)

(Oh the 'symmetry' of those fortress gates)

With his wife raped, hospitalised and in a coma, and his young son (further) traumatised.....The coach seems (oddly) still concerned about the whereabouts of Jackie, and heads over to Montroses (ahem) mini-mansion...not so much to have it out, but to rescue his star player (and hopefully win the finals?) Chief Canton is already at Montose's laying down what little law is left in him, which leads to the following (classic) threat/riddle/limerick/tongue-twister:

"You know that I know you know"
"And I know, you know I know"

(Billy realised exactly were this motion picture would be heading)

Baffling Dialogue aside, the chiefs campfire is well and truly pissed on, when montrose shows a Video-Cassette of the many 'pay-off's' Canton has taken. Montrose decides to hold a (quote) "hunting party" with the police chief (possible 'karma' for OPEN SEASON, 1974?) and thankfully (and at long last) a shitstorm of action, bullets and crashing wobbly gates enliven the tedium (and most likely, ugobbles up the movies entire $4, 000 budget in one badly-filmed swoop) During the Gunplay, Coach Haiden turns up and starts bringing the 'ruckus to all the motherfuckaz' but is too late to save Canton, who is shot by montrose in a (4ft high, yet made to look much deeper) backyard canyon. The police soon arrive (as usual) 1 minute after the carnage ends. Montrose claims that Coach shot Canton, and the police totally buy it. Basic forensics (and the most retarded common sense) would say otherwise, but none-the-less the Coach is detained (and still seems more upset about missing the play-offs) than his wife, child and predicament.

("I love you to death....I love you to death...I love you to death...Oooh Baby!")

However, one cop Detective Stone (a 'Village Person', if I've ever seen one) sees through the bullshit, and lets Haiden free (partly because there's no genuine fucking evidence, and also because he wants to see the 'Tigers' win the final) So after a brief visit to see his dying wife (who is completely awake, dressed and recovered, after being in a coma for a day) the coach heads to the basketball hall.....to guide his team to the top, and Jackie to the NBA (and trust me, it seems the ONLY real priority in his life)

(A post rape/coma Mrs Haiden, clearly affected by such atrocities)

The game starts off, and the Tigers aren't doing so well. Jackie doesn't seem focused (no shit, he's been loosely involved in and around 7-10 murders in the last 24 hours) and things don't get any better, when Montrose and his two goons turn up at the game, and try to dish out the cocaine again. Coach catches Jackie with the powder, but confesses that he'd never touch the 'stuff again.....and (a quick pep talk later) Jackie goes out for the second half feeling better. The coach (who waits in the locker-room mmmm?) is suddenly attacked by the two Russian hoods (one of whom, he shoots dead) The second goon is about to blab all to the Coach, but is shot by non other than Montrose (who fires off another long-winded speech)

(Accion Mutante always targetted the 'Beautiful ones')

The police arrive (on fucking time for a change) and arrest Montrose, and despite having just murdered someone in cold blood, Detective Stone (who quite clearly has a 'thing' for Coach) allows the coach to carry on the second half of the game. Needless to say, Jackie improves, the Tigers win (and hell, even Haidens traumatised son calls Jackie's mom "Grandma")

(Fuck yeah!)

DEATH GAME is (on the surface) a flat out bad movie. Basketballs clearly change colour, during dunks, the games are lethargic, badly coreographed snooze-fests, and the lady playing Jackie's mom is the worst actress since Lady Reed. It doesn't contain a great deal of action, which wouldn't be too bad, except that no-one wants to see Joe Lara play 'Hamlet' (i know i fucking don't!) Were it not for the star quality of Billy Drago and Richard Lynch, this movie would not have bee made. Yet for it's many faults, it's still a goofy movie (minus THAT nasty rape sequence) that will appeal to bad movie lovers, everywhee. Not much of a glowing recommendation...but it's cheesy, contains just enough sleazy exploitation and (like the 'cheep cider' I guzzle)...it eventually gets you there!

(Just one more, for the horny ladies out there)