DIRECT CONTACT (2009) Dolph Lundgren

As much as I enjoyed THE PUNISHER, ARMY OF ONE or MEN OF WAR, I've gotta' be honest here, and say that I've always found Dolph Lundgren to be the 'eternal bridesmaid' of action cinema, and found his recent movies rather dull. Be it my old age (or the fact that he killed 'Apollo Creed') I've found most of his DTV work to be 'lacking'. He sure looks the part and at 53 years young, 6' 5" tall, he certainly looks after himself....but (as with Wesley Snipes) his DTV work is littered with more duds than hits. None of this stops me from watching his movies.....but truth be told, I'm sick to death of reading stuff like "The Russian Specialist is a kick ass movie" (when it clearly isn't) or PR blurb stating "Command Performance rocks" (only to find a dull and plodding Die Hard Wannabe, hidden behind an otherwise great trailer) So it's with indifferent displeasure (?) that i review the latest Lundgren 'masterpiece' to hit UK shelves (despite it being already 2 year old...which is never a good sign) But looking at the DVD case...it seems to have some plus points, it's an 18 Certificate Nu Image movie, featuring Michael Pare......What could go wrong?

(Quite a lot....it seems)



DIRECT ACTION sees Lundgren as lunk-headed (ex-US Special forces) Mike Riggins , residing in an Eastern Europe prison for gun-running. Amidst the many beatings from the wardens, fights with inmates, or the blood drinking Rats, Riggins seems oddly at ease with his predicament. Enter shadowy U.S envoy Clive Connelly (Michael Pare) who offers Riggins a full pardon (plus $200k) to rescue an kidnapped American woman, Ana Gale (Gina May) who is being held by a ruthless criminal, Vlado Karadjov (surely a name worthy of a 90+ score at Scrabble?) Connelly also mentions that anna may be suffering a touch of 'Stockholm Syndrome' and may resist being rescued.

("Ray Liotta was busy filming BEE MOVIE 2")

Riggins gets $20k upfront, a mobile phone and (like any self respecting paroled inmate) heads to the nearest disco/titty bar to arrange a meeting with Karadjov. Of course, as with most Eastern European titty bars...the swarthy types soon betray Riggins, and
he is beaten up (but spared death) by Karadjov and his men. Undeterred, Riggins pays a visit to the local fire-arms seven/eleven...and heads back to Karadjovs base to bring da ruckas to all those muthafuckaz.

(The budget wouldn't stretch to 3D, but Dolph gave it his best shot)

Much fence cutting, bomb planting and knocking out inept guards later...Riggins finally locates Anna...who thanks him for his troubles with a swift kick to the knackers. Our hero punches her in the stomach to keep her from screaming (nice) and despite her protests of "Not being kidnapped", Riggins gets her out of Karadjovs base, much to the displeasure the sadistic General Drago (surely a knowing namesaked 'wink' at Lundgrens most iconic role?)

(EH?)

The chase is on (replete with usual NU-IMAGE second hand action scenes/explosions) Our hero and heroine make it to (brief) safety in a nearby hotel. Riggins phones Connelly (who reveals himself as C.I.A, but little else) and arranges a meeting place for the girl to be handed over and the cash to be exchanged. Riggins smells a rat, attends the meeting alone...and tells Connelly to eat the bird, before buggering off (on another chase sequence.....this time on a motorbike!) leading to more recycled action scenes.

(Dolph was on page 6 of 'The Fatty Arbuckle-sexual Etiquette manual')

Returning to the hotel, Riggins finds that Anna has escaped, but tracks her down to a train station. They both board the train (cue footage from Van Damme's 'Derailed') but Drago's men are there to (badly) shoot the shit out of innocent bystanders, in their quest to miss Riggins with every single bullet they fire. With several thousand rounds of ammo easily dodged, Riggins and Anna leave the train at the next station (which rather inexplicably seems built directly to a sewer filled with homeless people...but wide enough to accommodate a military hummer vehicle)

("No way did Streets Of Fire outperform Masters Of The Universe?")

Evading the army once again, our heroes steal a taxi, leading to a further chase scene (some ropey back projection and further sequences from 'Derailed' ) Fleeing their captors again (god this is getting repetitive) Riggins and Anna head to a nearby cafe. A news story on the TV indicates that Anna is in fact the daughter of (recently deceased) billionaire oil and Shipping magnate Allister Roberts. Now the picture is looking a little clearer about the real motives behind Conellys offer.

(Mmmmm, I wonder who gets shot....The Hero or the The Waiter?)

Anna tends to a graze on riggins stomach (fuck me...a bullet actually got within a yard of Dolph!) and the pair go to meet Karadjov (who it turns out IS a good guy) at a nearby football stadium. Unfortunately, General Drago and his army arrive on the scene...leading to another shoot-out (yawn) and the demise of Karadjov. Connelly arrives in a helicopter and (amazingly) keeps his end of the deal with Riggins (by giving him the money, as promised) in exchange for the girl. Anna (suitably pissed) berates our hero for selling out, but off he drives...leaving the heiress at the mercy of Drago and Connelly.



It turns out that Anna's naughty Uncle Trent is behind the whole shenanigans, and wants her to sign the rights of the company over to him. Connelly treats Anna to a bit of the 'Ike Turner First Date Workout', but (wahey!).....Riggins returns, armed with guns and rifles (plus the worst hand grenade explosions since For Your Height Only) leading to more chase footage (from Out For A Kill) to enliven proceedings (i mean WTF, we haven't had a shootout in the last 2 minutes)

(And the soldiers still fucking miss)

Outrunning the badguys again (for a fucking change!) Riggins figures out that the mobile phone Connelly gave him, is a tracking device (no shit sherlock!) Seeking shelter in a nearby woodshed, Riggins and anna finally get down to (an awkward looking scene of) Rumpy-pumpy. The next morning we see Riggins getting all McGuyver-like on his getaway vehicle (actually we see him lift a small panel of pig-iron...hardly an A-Team montage) This is inter-cut with General Drago and his army shooting the living shit out a group of villagers in his search for our heroes. Heading for the gates of the nearest American Embassy, our heroes are shot at by their own side (Realism at last!) So whats a former ex-US Special forces/gun runner/jailbird/mercenary/suspected terrorist to do...he simply drive into the building NEXT FUCKING DOOR to the embassy for a showdown with Drago/Connelly and various inept soldiers. Although Connellys demise is quite an 'explosive' scene (hint, hint) The movie still ends on a shit-eating grin fest, as Riggins looks at Anna and utters "God Bless America" ("Try lensing a movie there, every now and then Dolph" I say)

(Too hot for cinema)

DIRECT CONTACT is 20 years too late for an action movie (in terms of acting, plot and production values) and rather plodding (despite it's many action scenes) even for a low budget DTV release. Releasing stuff like this after THE EXPENDABLES, won't do Lundgren (and his career) any favours. Any moments of cheesy charm is few and far between (although I chuckled a little at Lundgren spitting up blood in his cell, only for a passing rat to gobble it up) And given the extensive BU-IMAGE back catalogue, they could have recycled much better action scenes (those OPERATION DELTA FORCE movies are also 'pilfered' throughout) Dolph still aquits himself well in the fight scenes, but they're nothing to write home about. Gina May comes across as a second rate Megan Fox (if such an entity exists?) and only Michael Pare walks away from this without any damage (and probably another Uwe Boll movie to make, that very weekend)

(Insert haemorrhoid gag here:)

If my review sounds dire and repetitive...it's because the movie is (oh, yeah, and because I'm a lousy reviewer as well) But the almost non-stop action and messy squib-work, doesn't change my opinion on Dolph Lundgren as a genuine action star...neither is DIRECT CONTACT jaw-droppingly bad enough to warrant a 'So-bad-it's-good' quality. It just sits there for 80 odd minutes, then finishes (like a fairweather friend, you've foolishly invited to your house) Although hardcore Lundgren buffs will probably find plenty to enjoy, nontheless. But given that i watched this movie as a double bill (alongside 'Los nuevos extraterrestres') and found DIRECT CONTACT to be the duller of the two...really says it all.

Then again, it might just be me...I can't stand Michael Dudikoff either?

(Although I didn't hate it, as much as this guy?)

SHARK IN VENICE (2007) Stephen Baldwin

Rounding off my (slightly disappointing) SHARK WEEK, I regret not being able to locate my missing SHARK ATTACK 3 disc (to complete the trilogy) Rest assured, when I find it, I'll stick up a review. Here's the next best thing, in terms of cheesy NU IMAGE shark action...

Stephen Baldwin is a funny kind of guy. The one time Hollywood golden Boy/Hellraiser.....turned reformed God loving maestro of all things B-movie. Like him or loathe him, he's usually earns his wage, regardless of the material at hand. Judging by his performance in SHARK IN VENICE, I'm guessing he was paid about $26?

(Nah...too easy)

We open in Venice (filmed on a back lot in Bulgaria, actually) as two underwater divers search the waters for the lost 'Medici Treasure'. Their every move is being watched on a computer screen by Mafioso boss Vito Clemenza, shouting out the orders behind a bad pair of shades (and looking like a cross between a stunted 'Al Lettieri' and Cat Stevens, circa 1971) His over the top 'Shaduppayaface' accent is the icing on the cake. Before the two divers can unearth the treasure, they receive fatal invitations to a great White Sharks 'wordhole' (leaving out the back doors, as sharkshit) as a screaming Clemenza shouts more profanities at his other goons.

("It's great to here at the Copacabana, folks!")

Cut to the Oceanographic Institute, San Francisco, where we witness Dr David Franks (Stephen Baldwin) giving the most monosymbolic lecture ever to some ('Dangerous Minds' cast reject) students about the perils of diving in Shark infested waters (no shit Sherlock) David is called out of class by the 'Dean', who informs our portly hero (dressed more like an extra from Kid Creole And The Coconuts, than a lecturer) that his father has gone missing in Venice, but that remains of some divers have been found in nearby waters that require identification. David, together with girlfriend Laura, drop everything (including 'acting lessons') and head to the "City of Water" to check it out.

(A suitably intense and enthused Stephen Baldwin)

Once in Venice, our hero and heroine are met by Venetian Police Lt. Sofia Totti, a hardnosed straight-taking (improbably glamorous blonde) Cop, who takes them to the morgue to identify the remains. With all the pent-up aggression of a recent coma patient (the already bored looking) David announces that these are "Not Propeller accidents...but Shark Attacks" but regardless of his highly improbable findings, neither of the chewed up cadavers are his father anyhow. So David seeks permission from Police Captain Bonasera, to search the waters were the other two hapless corpses were found.

(Shoes fixed whilst you wait)

Returning to his fathers hotel room, David finds it ransacked, but remembering that his father liked to hide stuff outback, finds a suitcase chained to the outside window in a (presumably) waterproof suitcase. Inside said case, is a diary,with details pertaining to the Medici Knights (that resilts in a much more exciting clip than this movie) as we witness medevil knights slaughtering throughout the crusades (circa 1271 AD) before burying the loot under the city of Venice (and then killing those that buried it...not the cleverest idea, to be honest)

(After a while, Moses threw his old business-cards in the lake)

With all the get-up-and-go of a third world crack addict (and a similar vacant disposition) David boards a boat, and together with colleague Peitro, go for an afternoon dive through the floating city. At this point, all reality goes walkabout, as it transpires that despite wearing nothing more than standard breathing apparatus, both divers can communicate to each other (and also to Laura and Sofia on the boat above) One minute into the water and Peitro is soon sharkshit, leaving David to locate the Secret Treasure Of The Medici (which is so shrouded in mystery, it's signposted on a misspelled tablet of stone)

(Raiders Of The Lost Revenue)

Fleeing the shark, David comes to a underground tunnel, in which he finds a couple of 'Indiana Jones' style man-traps..leading up to the magnificent treasure. David makes a mental note of where the tunnel is (which, given his general lack of interest throughout, must have been some strain?) and heads back through the water...only to be met by the same hungry shark, who proceeds to bite our hefty heroes leg off.

(Heather Mills gave it everything she got)

I know what you're thinking (other than my blog is shit)....you're thinking 'How can the hero have his leg bitten off? Trust me, it would probably be a blessing if the movie ended here (34 minutes in) But I at least expected long scenes of David being fitted with a prosthetic leg, and spending years in recovery from such a fatal injury....But no sir-fucking-ree......David wakes in a hospital without any wounds whatsoever, and the leg chomping incident is never brought up again (WTF?)

(Old Mother Goose...I fucker her!)

David is questioned in hospital by Captain Bonasera, and promises to leave Venice the next day, and not to meddle in the waters anymore. Checking out of the hospital, both David and Laura are approached by Rossi, a henchman for Clemenza, who invites them to have dinner with his boss (and given that our hero is unlikely to have ever met a meal he didn't like) David accepts. Clemenza offers David $20 million to retrieve the treasure for hm, but (with the free meal inside his ample guts) our hero declines the offer, leaving a pissed of Mafia boss.

(Diarrhoea-blowbacks are never a pretty site)

Meanwhile (probably due to the film-makers cocaine comedown) we are treat to a completely unrelated scene of a nearby couple standing near the waters, The guy is chomped upon by the fakest looking CGI effect, I've ever had the misfortune to witness. And you'd better lap it up, as most of the other shark attacks are either briefly glimpsed substandard National Geographic out-takes, or scenes from other NU IMAGE sharkfests.

(Cry me a river...you little biatch!)

Oddly forgetting his missing (possibly dead) father, the treasure, and his (non-existent) leg amputation, David spends his last day in Venice with Laura looking round the shops and markets, like tourists. No sooner has David wasted (I'm guessing) €2 on a bright orange scarf for his intended, than a bunch of bad guys kick the shit out of him, and kidnap Laura. David only takes a punch and a kick, but it's more than enough to leave our 'Luxurious lecturer' crying like a baby, although visibly conscious, whilst the love of his life is dragged off in front of his weeping eyes.

(David approximately 38 seconds after his girlfriends abduction)

An alarmingly Stoic David is questioned at the police station by Lt. Sofia, and is given a police escort to his hotel. Strangely enough, the unfazed David falls asleep (despite his girlfriend being abducted) and is paid a visit from two Abseiling/Rappelling hit men from another building (NOTE: same footage that TODAY YOU DIE 'borrowed' from THE ORDER) David attempts to fight off his attackers but (and as usual) gets his ass kicked, so is just content to flee, pulling a variety of oddball faces (as if Norman Wisdom remade The Marathon Man) whilst running like fuck, away from the action.

(Intense)

The following chase is the highlight of the movie (just like the chase in SHOTGUN) because of the cack-addled manner in which it's shot and choreographed. First off, Baldwin has (in most cases) a 'running-double', and secondly because we get a shot of Baldwin hiding in the shadows, that's later looped and re-used about 4 or 5 times more, throughout the movie. Baldwin flees more motorcycles and hit men in this movie, than actual sharks. Culminating in a half tasty punch up in a work shop, with our rotund hero actually winning a fucking fight, and threatening a goon with a buzzsaw for information on Laura's whereabouts.

(What you mean, Pauly Shore stole 'BIO-DOME'?)

A tipped off David finds a boat, sees Lauras orange scarf (despite the fact, she clearly dropped it before being abducted in the market square) and is promptly knocked the fuck out (and just as he'd actually won the previous fucking fight?) and sent to Clemenzas underwater liar. Our hirsute mafia boss explains that he's planted the sharks in these waters to stop people searching for the treasure, thus safeguarding it for himself. He also threatens to kill Laura, unless our heavy hero retrieves the treasure (should have took the $2m in the first place, dickhead!) And it transpires that Police Lt. Sofia Totti is in cahoots with the bad guys (fucking bitch!)

(Meat the wife)

So, together with henchmen Rossi and Carter, David once again returns to the site of the treasure (Carter 0 Shark 1) Finding the treasure, Rossi has his orders to kill our Obese oceanographer...butduring a punch up is accidentally killed by one of the many man-traps in the underground cave (a rusty gatehouse through the windpipe) David swims back to Clemenzas hide out, the blonde Police Lieutenant turns out to be pulling a double DOUBLE bluff on the Mafia boss, and actually is a honest cop, and a Venietian swat team join the party for a spot of 'John Woo' style heroic bloodshed (During which both Clemenza and David tussle in the water)

(The lucky ones left the set early)

After much shooting, and fisticuffs, Clemenza is eaten by his own creature (in a briefly glimpsed montage of shark footage) David is reunited with Laura, Lt, Sophia is commended for bravery and Captain Bonasera looks 'nice' in a bullet-proof vest. Despite remaining tight lipped about the treasure to the police, David smugly places a centuries old valuable necklace round Lauras neck (about 6 feet away from the police investigation) before our hero proposes to a shit-grinning heroine, who glibly remarks "Let's not have the honeymoon in Venice" (Ha-Fucking-Ha indeed!)



SHARK IN VENICE (sadly) sees NU IMAGE suffer the same problems they had with SHARK ATTACK (1999) by marketing a 'Shark' movie, with little shark action.....In realitym the movie is just some Romanian Crime flick with the occasional dorsal fin. However, it's all the better for having Stephen Baldwin as the lead (as opposed to the dire Casper Van Dien) Baldwin looks seriously stoned throughout the course of the movie, delivering his lines with a laughable stoicism. His (slight) weight problem, coupled with some skintight (badly fitting) sweaters doesn't help matters (it's probably not a great idea for the male hero to have bigger tits than the heroine?) And his delivery of insipid dialogue, coupled with his chipmunk features on a face that always looks like it's about to sneeze, make his performance funnier than it has any right to be. But hey, at least he's a Man Of God (cause I'm sick to fucking death of atheists) The films many faults aside, SHARK IN VENICE is a 'bad-movie' fans dream (albeit, not enough shark action, and too much borrowed footage)

(Watershit Down)

Whilst better than SHARK ATTACK, and a must for bad movie fans, the movie could/should have more shark action (and relevency) I find it hard to believe that NU IMAGE were still making stuff like this in 2007, and even more baffled that WARNER BROS released this movie on DVD in the UK?




MEMORABLE QUOTES:



Lt. Sofia Totti: "It's impossible...this is not happening"

Vito Clemenza: "You're going to be in Heaven in a moment, but first I'm going to put you through Hell!"

(Does my Bum/Tum/Chin/Girth/Tits/etc, look big in this?)

TODAY YOU DIE (2005) Steven Seagal

TODAY YOU DIE was something of an upturn for Steven Seagal. He seemed to be a bit more relaxed and having fun. He started to get back to performing a few fight scenes, and seemed to be having a good rapport with co-star Treach (of 'Naughty By Nature' fame.) He also seemed to be playing a regular guy (as opposed to a special black ops leader) This was also the third of FOUR films he'd made in 2005.
But (and as usual) post production wanted more action (but without the finances to get Seagal back in the studio) TODAY YOU DIE (despite possessing the near perfect Seagal 'Three-Word-Title') became a bit of a cut and paste misfire. But still an interesting misfire none the less.


The movie opens up with a series of haunting images of events to come. This turns out to be a dream/premonition of one, Jada Banks....who (as luck would have it) just happens to be married to modern-day kung -fu-fucking-fighting badass, Harlan Banks. Harlan comforts his sleeping beauty (which is odd, because he's fully dressed, and laid in bed) during this opening scene. She wants her 'hubby' to go straight, but it seems that Harlan has got one 'Last Big Job'(tm) left, before retiring for good.



The scene then cuts to a shot of an unseen cat burglar, setting up an elaborate harpoon winch rope thingy, before sliding down it, and into a swanky building. If you're wondering why this would-be spiderman's face is not shown...is because this entire sequence is 'borrowed' (i.e, actual footage) from the Jean Claude Van Damme movie 'THE ORDER'. Once into the building, the identity of the mysterious modern day 'Raffles' is revealed as none other than HARLAN BANKS (who's hardly broke a sweat, despite his spectacular entrance, and also gained height and weight, over the obvious double we just saw shimmying down) Get ready for a lot more 'Doubles' and 'Borrowed' sequences, with this one folks.



Once inside Harlan uses some bizarre electronic gizmo (with a snazzy 1974 LED readout) that reads any security codes on doors and automatically opens them (you'd think that THIS much technology would cost more than his actual swag...but i guess if that's true, then maybe that's why he must continue to steal, to cover his gadget overheads...a movie featuring Seagal getting into financial difficulties with 'LOMBARD DIRECT' would make for a great spin off movie, methinks?)
Just as Banks is leaving with the loot, a couple of gun toting bad(der) guys approach him (making the foolish oft-made mistake of pointing their gun barrels within arms reach of the aikido master) These criminals laugh at Harlan, and it seems they know his M.O. One of them refers to him as a 'Robin Hood' type, who "keeps a little for himself" Harlan laughs, and then kills the shit out of them. Had that scene ended there, it would have been badass enough, but i guess some fucking genius at Millennium Pictures, thought they'd add another Seagal fight scene (without it actually featuring Seagal) What follows is a darkly lit, poorly doubled, shot from behind fight scene (with the occasional flipped shot of Seagal, from his previous fracas) which may fool the casual viewer, but unfortunately not me. Sadly this despicable filmatic 'cheating' device would continue in most of his later movies (2008's KILLSWITCH being the ultimate low-point)


Harlan is driving towards Vegas with Jada. He seems to have turned his back on (righteous) crime, and has a job lined up, working as a sercurity van driver, at a Las Vegas casino. But on his way (and as LAWMAN has proved) Banks uses his legendary spider senses to notice a Children's Hospital...with a sign slapped over it, stating "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" (cue sub-plot)

("I was in ROADHOUSE, you know?")

Of course, his new job, has a few snags. Mainly that his new employer, MAX STEVENS (kevin Tighe) has been the star of a few of Jada's scary premonitions......and the fact that he's also a "I can buy anything I want" rich asshole. Jada tries to warn Harlan. But he doesn't want to listen.

And just if things couldn't get any worse on his first night, driving the money laden security truck, Harlans new driving buddy, is wannabe psychotic asshole, named Bruno. Who wastes little time in gunning down the security guards, once the money is placed into the truck. He forced Harlan (at gunpoint) to drive like fuck, through Vegas, in their getaway. This sequence is quite spectacular, cars crashing everywhere (with automobile explosions frequent enough to give the most ardent PM ENTERTAINMENT fan a boner) And as I watched this non-stop display of automotive car-nage ...I couldn't help feeling I'd seen a scene similar to this. Until it dawned on me, that (cough!) THE ENTIRE VEGAS TRUCK CHASE WAS LIFTED WHOLESALE FROM THE 1997 MOVIE 'TOP OF THE WORLD' (a nifty thriller starring Peter Weller)

(Steven Seagal is HARD TO FAINT)

After all this , Seagal manages to evade the police, just long enough to stash the truck (with all the loot) and get far enough away (leaving an unconscious Bruno, by the roadside) before phoning Jada to tell her, that it's been a set up, before passing out (in true Seagal style) Now, as you know, Steven Seagal is pretty untouchable in the movies. And he's not going to submit to fatigue in a hurry either. His 'fainting' scene, is nothing less but pure genius, as we watch the Stout Sensei, bow (extremely) gracefully in the face of unconsciousness. He tilts his head ever so slowly (and slightly) before a linking shot of Jada, allows the director to edit in, an all out (laid down) stunt double. I guess Seagal didn't want to get his nice jacket TOO dirty, by laying fully out on the ground?

After a brief Q&A by two cops (one ofwhom, is an improbably glamorous policewoman, who i remember from cack soap opera SUNSET BEACH) get nowhere with a resilient Harlan, who claims that he has amnesia, and cannot tell the authorities, where he stashed the money. Harlan mentions Max, but is told that Max has been killed, since the Vegas heist. As a reward for all his sterling helpful co-operation, the state decides to send Harlan to prison for a million years. Decked out in baggy denim, Seagal strolls dawn the prison halls, whilst horny (and let's face it...desperate) inmates threaten him with 'rape'. One guy shouts "Hey man, i wanna lick you" (i shudder at the mental image, this paints in my already damaged brain)

("Take that you ruffian!")

Harlan kicks a few asses in the prison yard, before making friends with a fellow con, named ICE COLD (that's his name, i shit thee not) Ice is played by Treach (from rap group 'Naughty By Nature' and the enjoyable LOVE AND A BULLET) Harlan and Ice plan their escape, with the intention of sharing the loot, on the outside. Harlan also catches up with Bruno, and snaps his arm (after roughing him up a little)

("Yo!")

At this point of meeting his 'Brotha-from-anotha-mother', Seagal adopts the worst case of 'Ebonics' ever witnessed on the silver screen (or the plastic disc) as he spouts (in full southern drawl) a series of ludicrous sentences (solely designed, to make him sound 'from the streets') So during (and after) their prison breakout, we are treat to some bizarre Seagal dialogue:

"Well, you don't look too happy....but you look happy"

"Let those who should be liberated, get gone, where they gotta go"

"I's cool Y'all"

"Man, you drive like shit, anyone ever tell you that...you drive like a motherfuckin' old lady"

Once sprung from prison (utilizing 'helicopter' footage from UNDISPUTED) Ice takes Harlan to visit one of his old school buddies, a gunrunner (Big Pun-wannabe) named 'D'. Now despite Harlan looking as out of place in a black ghetto, as one could look. D finds time to deliver the "How good is he" line (that must be said about Seagals badassery credentials in ALL his movies) And although D is no Lee R Emery (or Lance Henrikson) he delivers the following statement upon viewing our Stout Sensei.

(Never a truer word spoken in jest)

Seagal tries to bump hands with D, but the chubby gunrunner doesn't want to know (and i'm not sure weather this scene is meant to be comical, as it's shot in quick takes, which hardly qualifies it as a bonafide piece of humour) but it sure makes Seagal look a thousand times more out of place than before. Anyhow, Ice And Harlan take some guns from D, and (after much bad/lame/hilarious Ebonics by Seagal) they get the drop on some drug deal going down, between a young gang (in flash cars) and some ex cohorts of Max. During the shoot outs, Harlan gets all Nicky Santoro on some wiseguys ass, by popping his head into a vice. Just as we're promised a bit of 'head-popping action....Ice turns up and shoots the poor bastard before Banks can squash his melon.

("Okay, okay...My Giant wasn't that bad")

With only limited information extracted from the goon in the vice, Harlan heads to Max's right hand man (and ironically, breaks his 'left hand'...man!) and arranges a meeting with Max (who we all knew wasn't dead) and then Harlan even finds time to kick the shit out of the doorman (played by UFC champ Randy Couture) before and after his house call.

(Whilst you're down there, Randy.....?)

At some bizarre Warehouse/cave/loading bay location (probably the best the set designers could muster up) Harlan meets Max. Max (in true assholic manner) waxes lyrical about spiritual mumbo jumbo, whilst playing the piano. Max also shows Harlan a picture of his young daughter (sub-plot two)
Max then sets some (Tony Jaa-wannabe) gymnast monkey-kung-fu fighting motherfucker on Seagal (who, taking a leaf out of Indiana Jones' book) shoots the back flipping bad guy, mid attack.
Max runs off to his chopper, which all good villains (DTV or otherwise) should have waiting, on standby. Harlan shoots it down (featuring explosion footage from Wesley Snipes UNSTOPPABLE)
More shoot outs/double/double crosses are revealed. Explosion footage from the Charlie Sheen no-brainer NO CODE OF CONDUCT are lifted wholesale, and Harlan, Ice and the female cop walk away (admist some ropey green screen)
Harlan uses the stolen money to (guess what?) RE-OPEN the 'Childrens Hospital' and even finds time to give Max's young daughter a hug (Geez, Steven....she's only there because YOU killed her father in the first place)

("I'm the reason, you're here bitch" Steven Seagal orphans more children)

TODAY YOU DIE isn't vintage Seagal, and the fight/stunt/voice doubles don't help matters. Yet it was a slight improvement on some of the stuff he'd done that year. It has a easier-to-follow plot, and Seagal seems to be having fun. Director Don FauntLeroy (great name) improved things with 2006s MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE, before directing my favourite Seagal DTV project URBAN JUSTICE (a near-perfect Seagal biff em' up)