PENITENTIARY 3 (1987) Leon Issac Kennedy

Everyone has a favourite ROCKY movie, some prefer the grittiness of the 1976 original, others love the music-video 80's jingoism of Rocky IV. My favourite is Rocky III, closely followed by the (much-maligned) Rocky V.
In the crazy universe of the Penitentiary movies, I've always preferred Penitentiary II, but after my fourth viewing of Penitentiary III in the space of a week (I shit thee not) it's dawned on me how (bat-shit) crazy PIII actually is. Sure, PII has crop-tops, roller-boots, and a Arabian-attired Mr T (not to mention a great Rudy Ray Moore cameo) But in retrospect, it's suddenly dawned on me that PIII makes PII look like Raging Bull in comparison.

Once again, Jamaa Fanaka (lousy name....but worth a score of 27+ in 'Scrabble') directs. And he wastes little time, by getting straight to the action, as we witness Martel 'Too-Sweet' Cordone (Leon Issac Kennedy) battling it out in the ring against El Cid. The commentators explain that Too-Sweet and El Cid have a great respect for one another and are friends outside the ring. But unbeknown to Too-Sweet, his shady trainer has slipped a 'strength inducing drug' into his water, resulting in our hero going fucking apeshit and pulling all kinds of WWF-moves in the boxing ring, eventually killing his opponent (whilst the trainer that drugged him screams "That's enough Too-Sweet!" .....what an asshole!)

Sat in the back of a paddy wagon, a voice over informs us that Too-Sweet has been given 3 years in the 'Pen' for manslaughter. The slow 'sax' music during this sequence, is soon revealed (in true Naked Gun style) to be an actual saxophonist in the vehicle with them (how and where he managed to hide that, is Anyone's guess?) But this scene serves as an early warning of the many 'What-The-Fuck' moments to come.

(Sax and Violence)

Roscoe puts down his sax and informs our hero (and us) that the Penitentiary has a boxing league, and that the warden is looking for talent for his upcoming tournament. But Too-Sweet just wants to do his 'time' and keep out of trouble. There's another guy in the van (some mulleted Michael Nouri looking motherfucker) who keeps boasting about murdering his wife.

The warden tries to convince Too-Sweet to join the boxing contest, but our hero refuses to join his team. However, what Gordone doesn't know is that the Warden is deep in gambling debts to the real power behind the prison...... millionaire Serenghetti (played by Billy Drago wannabe, Anthony Geary) replete with 'Muttley-like-asthmatic laugh, long-winded speeches and camp gestures.

(Sausage casserole was on the menu most nights)

Serenghetti may be an inmate, but he's so fucking rich, his cell resembles a mansion. He has a live-in 'he/she' bitch (named Cleo) a french waiter, red curtains covering the bars and (wait for it) his own privately filmed access of the prison gymnasium.

Soon enough the Michael-Nouri-lookalike soon loudmouths his way into trouble and later that night is paid a visit by Serengetti's toughest weapon...a fierce Black Dwarf, kept in an underground dungeon and fed a staple diet of 'blurry' pornography and crack cocaine.

His name is 'The Midnight Thud' and his objectives are as follows:

1) Grunt insanely.
2) Wear leather fetish gear.
3) Rape the living shit out of fresh inmates.

4) Have a peanut shaped cranium.

(Three meals a day....Four on 'Shower Nights')


Thud is dragged by chains from his dungeon, by two guards (one of which has the worse comedy stutter EVER) and thrown into the loud-mouths cell, where he is brutally raped/beaten (Thankfully this 'Romantic-Interlude' takes place off-screen) although we still get to hear the screaming inmates shouting such pleasantries as "Break him in for me Thud!" during the assault.



Too-Sweet turns down Serengetti's offer to box for his team...resulting in 'The Pint-sized pervert' being unleashed to our hero's cell. However, Too-sweet will not break or (literally) bend to the 'Thudsucker Proxy', resulting in one of the funniest, perverse fights ever committed to film. Too Sweet (clad only in underpants) goes 'Mano-O-Half-Mano with the degenerate dwarf. And just when You think it can't get any crazier, Midnight Thud starts waving his arms around and starts flying around the cell (I shit thee not)



Much 'fisting' later (oohh-eeerr!) Too-sweet looks defeated (gasp!) Thud takes time from his homosexual rape duties to snack on one of Too-sweets Oranges (big mistake fucko!) as the theft of fruit from the 'fruity thief' (geddit?) enrages our battered hero, who makes little haste in throwing the pint-sized rapist head first into the prison gate (ouch!) The guards return to find Too-Sweet with both orange (and 'Cherry') intact. Serengetti' doesn't like this, and has 'Thud' returned to his dungeon (for more 'Snap, Crack And popshots') and orders Too-sweet to be tortured with electrodes. It transpires (in flashbacks) that Midnight Thud has also had 'shock therapy' treatment.

(Not the first time Roscoe had 'Sweet Nut' all over his back)

Alone, battered, bruised (and in serious need of some hair-activator) Too-sweet is a shadow of his former self. With only the dungeon rats for company. Roscoe, drops on by the dungeon, bringing food and news of the upcoming boxing contest. And amazingly enough, Roscoe wants the 'Sweet-One' to train him(don't ask?) The warden agrees but insists that any training be done in the dungeon (away from the prying camera of Serengetti) Sadly, the training involves little more than a squatting Two sweet ordering Roscoe to run up and down the smoke filled dungeon (with the occasional sit-up thrown in for diverse measure)

(I think I prefer Serengetti's girlfriend?)

The tournament starts (hell there's even female boxers) and (amazingly, given his shite training montage) Roscoe is doing well and to show his gratitude to his mentor, he not only fights under the name of 'SWEET-NUT' (insert crude gag here)....But he also sets up Too-Sweet with a female boxer (see above) And whilst the 'Sweet One' is 'knocking the boots' in the locker-room, Roscoe faces one of Serengetti's toughest fighters, named 'See-Veer' (played by none other than Danny-Fucking-Trejo!) But See-Veer has been given the same 'drug' that landed Too-Sweet in the joint in the first place.

(Roscoe vs Trejo)

Roscoe gets the initial upper hand, but See-Veer (and his super-drug) are too powerful, resulting in 'Sweet-Nut' in a state of 'Uber-Fubar' Forcing (a once reluctant) Too-sweet to throw his hat into the tournament, and threatening to go (quote) "No Holds Barred" with any of Serengetti's men...including his number one henchman (and Hulk Hogan wannabe) Hugo. The Warden agrees to the fight to go ahead, and Too-Sweet returns to the dungeon to prepare for his upcoming battle Royal.

("Showin' how funky and strong is your fight...It doesn't matter who's wrong or right")

More lame training montages continue....That is, until the biggest fucking turnaround (in a movie already full of epic turnarounds).....Midnight Thud becomes a good guy (having given up the institutionalised male rape and murder) and begs Too-Sweet to help him train. Midnight Thud (who's real name is revealed to be Jessop) trains Too-Sweet in the spiritual side of fighting (oh, and also the crazy merits of slamming dungeon doors on your pupils arms?)

("Could I just leave you this Jehovah Witness pamphlet...Argghh!")

Serengetti tries to offer Hugo a vial of the superdrug....in case Too-Sweet gets the upper hand. But hugo (replete with gold lamé robe) refuses. Ten floors below the prison, the warden is giving Too-Sweet a last minute pep-talk about winning, and taking Serengetti to the cleaners (thus reclaiming power of the prison) Whilst at the same time offering Two-Sweet use of Roscoe's robe (on the provision that it'll bring him luck) Given that Roscoe is still hospitalised and on a critical-list....it's hardly a 'Lucky Charm' now...is it?

("Check out my new iphone")

Cut to the big fight and after a brief posing contest between Hugo and Jessop (don't ask?) The camera pans to Too-Sweet, decked out in a black codpiece and lightweight gloves (think Bruce Lee at the beginning of Enter The Dragon) . And the 'Bruce-Lee-isms' don't end there folks, because Ol' Too Sweet starts adopting some Game Of Death style fighting tactics towards his bigger opponent. Given that Leon Issac Kennedy rarely convinced as a genuine boxer...he makes a even less convincing martial artist...But the sudden lapse into kung-foolery (probably at the insistence of Cannon) only makes it funnier!

(Oh dear!)

During this lengthy fight, the emphasis switches from Boxing to martial arts to wrestling (replete with jessop and his non-stop audible rants of "Oak Tree" and "Inner Man" (not the best phrase for a former gay rapist to utter) But given his Jamaican patois, it sounds like "Enema" anyhow?

(Bruce Leeroy)

Too Sweet continues with the Bruce Lee mannerisms (hands on knees, the nose wipe, the fighting yelps) Whilst Hugo finds his inner Hulk Hogan, and starts throwing our hero around in wrestling moves. But just as it appears to settle into generic 'Punchfight' mode, Fanaka throws in one final scene of utter fucking madness. Hugo throws Two-Sweet flying across the room in slo-mo. Bouncing off a wall, Too-Sweet leaves a blood-stained pattern of the 'Crucifix' (replete with Biblical organ music) not only allowing Too-Sweet the spiritual strength to continue, but also the physical strength required to kick several shades of shite out of Hugo. This long confirms what many exploitation fans had secvretly guessed since the early eighties...Penitentiary is a metaphor for the Bible (sort of?)

(The Biblical denouement)

With the fight over, Too-Sweet races to Serengetti's plush cell (it seems that man-bitch Cleo has long gone) and our Hero slaps the tyrant around a little, before proclaiming that Serengetti is not worth it (weird, because Serengetti masterminded everything bad that happened to Too-Sweet throughout the movie?)

("I'm not gay...but my boyfriend is!")

The warden (who has now reclaimed power from Serengetti, due to a hefty wager on the fight) is pleased as punch with our hero, and (whilst leading him back to his dungeon, nonetheless) fills Too-Sweet in on some last minute (let's-tie-the-whole-plot-up) bullshit information, including:

1) Two-Sweet can return back upstairs in the Penitentiary
2) Roscoe is on the mend
3) He's kept some money aside for a good lawyer for Too-Sweet
4) He promises to "Never misappropriate prison funding again" (Surely illegal?)
5) A cure for AIDS (ok, I made that last one up...but it would have rounded things off nicely?)

Two-Sweet prefers the peace of the dungeon, so the warden walks away (probably uninterested) with a shit eating grin on his chubby face (When quite frankly, 'Gambling with State prison funds' makes the warden the biggest criminal in the movie.)

And just when you think the goodtimes have ended, the movie ends on a bitchin' late 80's synth soul ballad, entitled 'Doing Time' and sung (if that's the correct term?) by Bruce Fisher. It's a haunting ballad (that combines the complexities of both Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues and Ice-T's The Tower sang with all the intensity of Philip Michael Thomas )

I've lovingly sat down and deciphered all the haunting lyrics, and typed them up, for your musical pleasure.

Lost a woman...And a family
Gave me a number...took my i-i-i-dentity
I might as well be living on Mars
Locked behind these bars.

I'm......Doing time
I'm......Doing time

Lost my free-e-dom....and my dignity
To the outside world...I'm just a memory
I might as well be living on Mars
Than behind these bars.

Oooohhh...I'm......Doing time
I-i-i-i-i'm......Doing time

(Sax solo)

I might as well be living on Mars
Than behind these bars...Behind these bars.

Doing time
Doing time

When I was out there on on the street I thought I was having fun
Now I won't breathe the free air Until the year two-thousand-one
And if you see my mother, ask her will she pray for me
Cause' they're trying to steal my soul in this Penitentiary
I'm......Doing tiiiiiiiiiime Ooooh, oooh
Iiiiiii'm...yes I'm doing time

(Nothing wrong with 'putting an old friend up' for the night)

Penitentiary III is a must for bad-movie lovers. What should have been a generic 'Cannon' action pic, becomes one of their most obscure and interesting 'risk' movies since Barfly or Tough Guys Don't Dance (and I say that in all seriousness) And it's not to say that Penitentiary III isn't chock full of clichés....It's the almost surreal and rapid fire way they're all trotted out, that sets it apart from other 'action' movies. Don't believe me?....check out the scene where Midnight Thud exhales crack fumes to a nearby rat. I haven't seen anything THAT twisted since the Frog sequence from The Nightcomers (1972)

Jamaa Fanaka still can't tell a coherent story (nor direct traffic in Lapland) but that sort of works in the favour of the trilogy. Regardless of your favourite in the series, they all retain that twisted (almost perverse) lack of logic, that never really altered from the original in 79 to this one in 87. Whilst other movie franchises (big or small) moved on with the times, the Penitentiary saga stuck to it's surreal outlook throughout. If it aint broke......

Leon Issac Kennedy has always been a likeable presence in everything he's put his name to. It's a shame he got out of acting, and became a minister, but i guess our loss, is Gods gain. As it is, he's left a pretty good legacy a movies in his brief career. I don't know if he'd be willing to come back for one more round as Martel Cordone (hey, if Stallone can do it......why not Kennedy?) And Fanakka is still 'above ground' (so to speak) So here's to hoping?

Before I get too maudlin (and start crying) let me finish this (already, overextended) review, by whole-heartedly recommending Penitentiary III (and the other two) as three of the finest examples of low-budget, off-beat, crazy, beer-and-buddies movies ever created. It's just a shame I had to convert my old VHS version over to DVD+R to get the required screenshots for my review. This badboy has yet to have a DVD release. All of the Penitentiary movies should be available on hi-def 26 disc Blu-Ray/DVD combi packs (as of yesterday)

Highly Recommended

TODAY YOU DIE (2005) Steven Seagal

TODAY YOU DIE was something of an upturn for Steven Seagal. He seemed to be a bit more relaxed and having fun. He started to get back to performing a few fight scenes, and seemed to be having a good rapport with co-star Treach (of 'Naughty By Nature' fame.) He also seemed to be playing a regular guy (as opposed to a special black ops leader) This was also the third of FOUR films he'd made in 2005.
But (and as usual) post production wanted more action (but without the finances to get Seagal back in the studio) TODAY YOU DIE (despite possessing the near perfect Seagal 'Three-Word-Title') became a bit of a cut and paste misfire. But still an interesting misfire none the less.


The movie opens up with a series of haunting images of events to come. This turns out to be a dream/premonition of one, Jada Banks....who (as luck would have it) just happens to be married to modern-day kung -fu-fucking-fighting badass, Harlan Banks. Harlan comforts his sleeping beauty (which is odd, because he's fully dressed, and laid in bed) during this opening scene. She wants her 'hubby' to go straight, but it seems that Harlan has got one 'Last Big Job'(tm) left, before retiring for good.



The scene then cuts to a shot of an unseen cat burglar, setting up an elaborate harpoon winch rope thingy, before sliding down it, and into a swanky building. If you're wondering why this would-be spiderman's face is not shown...is because this entire sequence is 'borrowed' (i.e, actual footage) from the Jean Claude Van Damme movie 'THE ORDER'. Once into the building, the identity of the mysterious modern day 'Raffles' is revealed as none other than HARLAN BANKS (who's hardly broke a sweat, despite his spectacular entrance, and also gained height and weight, over the obvious double we just saw shimmying down) Get ready for a lot more 'Doubles' and 'Borrowed' sequences, with this one folks.



Once inside Harlan uses some bizarre electronic gizmo (with a snazzy 1974 LED readout) that reads any security codes on doors and automatically opens them (you'd think that THIS much technology would cost more than his actual swag...but i guess if that's true, then maybe that's why he must continue to steal, to cover his gadget overheads...a movie featuring Seagal getting into financial difficulties with 'LOMBARD DIRECT' would make for a great spin off movie, methinks?)
Just as Banks is leaving with the loot, a couple of gun toting bad(der) guys approach him (making the foolish oft-made mistake of pointing their gun barrels within arms reach of the aikido master) These criminals laugh at Harlan, and it seems they know his M.O. One of them refers to him as a 'Robin Hood' type, who "keeps a little for himself" Harlan laughs, and then kills the shit out of them. Had that scene ended there, it would have been badass enough, but i guess some fucking genius at Millennium Pictures, thought they'd add another Seagal fight scene (without it actually featuring Seagal) What follows is a darkly lit, poorly doubled, shot from behind fight scene (with the occasional flipped shot of Seagal, from his previous fracas) which may fool the casual viewer, but unfortunately not me. Sadly this despicable filmatic 'cheating' device would continue in most of his later movies (2008's KILLSWITCH being the ultimate low-point)


Harlan is driving towards Vegas with Jada. He seems to have turned his back on (righteous) crime, and has a job lined up, working as a sercurity van driver, at a Las Vegas casino. But on his way (and as LAWMAN has proved) Banks uses his legendary spider senses to notice a Children's Hospital...with a sign slapped over it, stating "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" (cue sub-plot)

("I was in ROADHOUSE, you know?")

Of course, his new job, has a few snags. Mainly that his new employer, MAX STEVENS (kevin Tighe) has been the star of a few of Jada's scary premonitions......and the fact that he's also a "I can buy anything I want" rich asshole. Jada tries to warn Harlan. But he doesn't want to listen.

And just if things couldn't get any worse on his first night, driving the money laden security truck, Harlans new driving buddy, is wannabe psychotic asshole, named Bruno. Who wastes little time in gunning down the security guards, once the money is placed into the truck. He forced Harlan (at gunpoint) to drive like fuck, through Vegas, in their getaway. This sequence is quite spectacular, cars crashing everywhere (with automobile explosions frequent enough to give the most ardent PM ENTERTAINMENT fan a boner) And as I watched this non-stop display of automotive car-nage ...I couldn't help feeling I'd seen a scene similar to this. Until it dawned on me, that (cough!) THE ENTIRE VEGAS TRUCK CHASE WAS LIFTED WHOLESALE FROM THE 1997 MOVIE 'TOP OF THE WORLD' (a nifty thriller starring Peter Weller)

(Steven Seagal is HARD TO FAINT)

After all this , Seagal manages to evade the police, just long enough to stash the truck (with all the loot) and get far enough away (leaving an unconscious Bruno, by the roadside) before phoning Jada to tell her, that it's been a set up, before passing out (in true Seagal style) Now, as you know, Steven Seagal is pretty untouchable in the movies. And he's not going to submit to fatigue in a hurry either. His 'fainting' scene, is nothing less but pure genius, as we watch the Stout Sensei, bow (extremely) gracefully in the face of unconsciousness. He tilts his head ever so slowly (and slightly) before a linking shot of Jada, allows the director to edit in, an all out (laid down) stunt double. I guess Seagal didn't want to get his nice jacket TOO dirty, by laying fully out on the ground?

After a brief Q&A by two cops (one ofwhom, is an improbably glamorous policewoman, who i remember from cack soap opera SUNSET BEACH) get nowhere with a resilient Harlan, who claims that he has amnesia, and cannot tell the authorities, where he stashed the money. Harlan mentions Max, but is told that Max has been killed, since the Vegas heist. As a reward for all his sterling helpful co-operation, the state decides to send Harlan to prison for a million years. Decked out in baggy denim, Seagal strolls dawn the prison halls, whilst horny (and let's face it...desperate) inmates threaten him with 'rape'. One guy shouts "Hey man, i wanna lick you" (i shudder at the mental image, this paints in my already damaged brain)

("Take that you ruffian!")

Harlan kicks a few asses in the prison yard, before making friends with a fellow con, named ICE COLD (that's his name, i shit thee not) Ice is played by Treach (from rap group 'Naughty By Nature' and the enjoyable LOVE AND A BULLET) Harlan and Ice plan their escape, with the intention of sharing the loot, on the outside. Harlan also catches up with Bruno, and snaps his arm (after roughing him up a little)

("Yo!")

At this point of meeting his 'Brotha-from-anotha-mother', Seagal adopts the worst case of 'Ebonics' ever witnessed on the silver screen (or the plastic disc) as he spouts (in full southern drawl) a series of ludicrous sentences (solely designed, to make him sound 'from the streets') So during (and after) their prison breakout, we are treat to some bizarre Seagal dialogue:

"Well, you don't look too happy....but you look happy"

"Let those who should be liberated, get gone, where they gotta go"

"I's cool Y'all"

"Man, you drive like shit, anyone ever tell you that...you drive like a motherfuckin' old lady"

Once sprung from prison (utilizing 'helicopter' footage from UNDISPUTED) Ice takes Harlan to visit one of his old school buddies, a gunrunner (Big Pun-wannabe) named 'D'. Now despite Harlan looking as out of place in a black ghetto, as one could look. D finds time to deliver the "How good is he" line (that must be said about Seagals badassery credentials in ALL his movies) And although D is no Lee R Emery (or Lance Henrikson) he delivers the following statement upon viewing our Stout Sensei.

(Never a truer word spoken in jest)

Seagal tries to bump hands with D, but the chubby gunrunner doesn't want to know (and i'm not sure weather this scene is meant to be comical, as it's shot in quick takes, which hardly qualifies it as a bonafide piece of humour) but it sure makes Seagal look a thousand times more out of place than before. Anyhow, Ice And Harlan take some guns from D, and (after much bad/lame/hilarious Ebonics by Seagal) they get the drop on some drug deal going down, between a young gang (in flash cars) and some ex cohorts of Max. During the shoot outs, Harlan gets all Nicky Santoro on some wiseguys ass, by popping his head into a vice. Just as we're promised a bit of 'head-popping action....Ice turns up and shoots the poor bastard before Banks can squash his melon.

("Okay, okay...My Giant wasn't that bad")

With only limited information extracted from the goon in the vice, Harlan heads to Max's right hand man (and ironically, breaks his 'left hand'...man!) and arranges a meeting with Max (who we all knew wasn't dead) and then Harlan even finds time to kick the shit out of the doorman (played by UFC champ Randy Couture) before and after his house call.

(Whilst you're down there, Randy.....?)

At some bizarre Warehouse/cave/loading bay location (probably the best the set designers could muster up) Harlan meets Max. Max (in true assholic manner) waxes lyrical about spiritual mumbo jumbo, whilst playing the piano. Max also shows Harlan a picture of his young daughter (sub-plot two)
Max then sets some (Tony Jaa-wannabe) gymnast monkey-kung-fu fighting motherfucker on Seagal (who, taking a leaf out of Indiana Jones' book) shoots the back flipping bad guy, mid attack.
Max runs off to his chopper, which all good villains (DTV or otherwise) should have waiting, on standby. Harlan shoots it down (featuring explosion footage from Wesley Snipes UNSTOPPABLE)
More shoot outs/double/double crosses are revealed. Explosion footage from the Charlie Sheen no-brainer NO CODE OF CONDUCT are lifted wholesale, and Harlan, Ice and the female cop walk away (admist some ropey green screen)
Harlan uses the stolen money to (guess what?) RE-OPEN the 'Childrens Hospital' and even finds time to give Max's young daughter a hug (Geez, Steven....she's only there because YOU killed her father in the first place)

("I'm the reason, you're here bitch" Steven Seagal orphans more children)

TODAY YOU DIE isn't vintage Seagal, and the fight/stunt/voice doubles don't help matters. Yet it was a slight improvement on some of the stuff he'd done that year. It has a easier-to-follow plot, and Seagal seems to be having fun. Director Don FauntLeroy (great name) improved things with 2006s MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE, before directing my favourite Seagal DTV project URBAN JUSTICE (a near-perfect Seagal biff em' up)