DEADLY CROSSING (2010) Steven Seagal

(The 'Scowl'....Seagal
The 'Hair'...Seagal
The 'Nose'....Rumpole Of The Bailey)

Steven Seagal is back in (PG-13) action in this 'avid fart' festooned, confusing cop drama, that features tittless strip shows, near-obscenities and regular 'fade-outs'......all of which give the impression of a bad pilot for a would-be TV show.

Guess what.......IT FUCKING IS!!!!!

'Deadly Crossing', is in fact, a two episode compilation of Sensei's latest TV show 'True Justice'......Sadly to say, i don't think it'll gain Seagal any new fans, but the (ever-forgiving) die-hard Seagal buffs, may find something to enjoy here. At least it opens with one of Seagals better songs (from the 'Songs From The Crystal Cave' album) 'MY GOD' (featuring Stevie Wonder) as the (obviously generic TV style) titles roll......

(Seagal shows us the ropes...then proceeds to cut it's fucking head off)

Seagal stars as Elijah Kane (badass name) head of a Seattle unit of undercover cops, that use 'Unconventional methods' ('surprise, sur-fucking-prise) who take down various bad guys (usually Russians) from Crimes (usually drug deals) in a variety of 'glitzy' locations (usually strip clubs) The plot (already all over the place, due to the fact that it's been edited from two 'open-and-shut' episodes to resemble one full case) is strained even further, by not giving Lord Seagal enough screen-time and instead concentrating on secondary characters (who mostly resemble 'Sunset Beach' rejects/junkies/drop-outs)

The plots (as mismatched as they are) contain: a liquour-store shoot-out, a female cop (who doesn't fawn at the sight of Lord Steven...therefore a suspected murderer) and a gang of Cajun campfire trailer trash who are in cahoots with Russian gun/drug runners (wtf) And because these events are meant to exist in 2 seperate 45 minute episodes, the narative feels badly stretched over the 90 minute mark. Maybe as stand alone episodes, they may fare better... as they are here, they feel extremely padded?

Kane's team consist of the usual clichés associated with such shows:

(A younger, hot-headed, rather fey-looking maverick)

(A token black man, looking particularly enthused at such an undertaking)

(A sluttish, hard-nosed bitch, who secretly lusts for the Sensei
and an equally sluttish rookie, keen to prove herself in her new job, thus sticking her chest out further than the other)

All of the above look up to Kane (and not just because he's a 6.5" mangod of sexual Aikido) but because (and the following "quotes" are from the actual True Justice 'press release')

Quote: "Elijah Kane is as good as they come"

Quote: "Kane, although admirable in honor and worthy of praise for his moral principles, has a past shrouded in mystery"

Quote: "Performing under intense pressure and composed in life threatening situations, he demonstrates the expertise of a warrior, clearly ex-military; exercising his abilities gained in his work with special ops forces"

Quote: "Kane's second in command, Juliet, admires his strong sense of justice and righteousness, especially when it comes to protecting those weaker than him"

Quote: "These young cops look up to Kane in reverence and admiration"

Now those quotes prove to be much better than the actualend result...But i applaud the po-faced nature of such unintentional howlers. And i suspect this show (if picked up for a few seasons may achieve cult status, and actually rank alongside 'So-bad-they're-good' material (i.e) ATTACK FORCE and TODAY YOU DIE.

(A Russian bad guy, who my long-suffering girlfriend informed me, was in Ally McBeal........What would Harrison Ford Say?)

Seagal looks in OK shape (a little heavier, but still fast enough) but seems to be constantly doubled in any shot that shows him from behind (i'm not entirely sure why this is?) But there's no audio dubbing of his voice (yahoo!) The other actors (as mentioned) seem more like 'models' and 'clothes pegs' rather than characters...but Seagal interacts OK with them. They all make at least a dozen references to his bad-assery...which sort of eliviate the tedium (and help the cheap cider go down your throat, that little easier!)

("The Girlies Say They Love Me.....And That's OK...And I Can Dance Better Than Any Kid Or Play")

Now being a TV show (and more importantly not a H.B.O TV show) the profanity and nudity is non-existent. The fight scenes, which there's about 4 or 5 (despite the expected 'erratic' shaky-cam) still contain a few 'trademark' Seagal moves, but are pedestrian, and lack the brutality of recent fare (like Driven To Kill or A Dangerous Man)

(Not the most flattering picture of Sensei Seagal, I might add!)

Some of the more basic stuff looks doubled, yet more of the better moves are Seagal (he even throws a kick or two) but rarely does any scene last longer than a few frames (fights or otherwise) One plus point, is that the production values of this show looks more professional than some of Seagals movies (of late)

("What do you mean 'Porker Texas Ranger'?")

The one big annoyance being the whole 'sped-up' and 'Fast Zoom' camera techniques (or 'Avid Farts' as Vern calls them) that punctuate the beginning of nearly every scene. Any fans expecting this show to be a C.S.I rival, can think again. The plot occasionally has a bit of police procedure and cop-lingo.....but little running time goes into solving the case, other than receiving tip offs, or being at the right time at the right place. Hopefully, this show will have more genuine 'detective' work, if it intends to have a second season. As a 45 minute show, i wish it well.....as a DVD marked £9.99 alongside other (genuine) movies in my local supermarket.....only my 'Seagal love' and 'completeism' deter me from going 'loco' with my air pistol in Morrisons.

("Big-ger-shoe, sir" asked the homeless newspaper selesman)

Anyhow (and you'd have to be fucktard to consider this a 'Spoiler') Kane gets the russian mob boss/arms/drug dealer, and launches (his usual) hand-to-broken-hand one-sided onslaught on the poor fucker....Culminating in a semi-decent act of leg-breaking, that makes the viewer beg for the days of MARKED FOR DEATH

(Ouch #1)

As a whole, 'Deadly Crossing' should have been sold as a budget release. Casual punters paying full price for a TV show, may resent and unjustifiably overlook any future projects, due to feeling shortchanged with this one. Optimum DVD (who seem to be releasing most of Seagals recent offerings) don't even offer up a trailer (despite a trailer actually existing, and a lot more exciting than the movie it's advertising) and we must also welcome the return of the time-honoured tradition of 'Misleading-Artwork-Bullshit.........Featuring cover art with 'Helicopters and explosions' (Check the cover art)

(Oh, and BTW, there's an obligitory 'Seagal kisses a mysterious woman' parting shot, which can only be a plus, in a sea of negatives?)

After the (dissapointing, but ultimately still badass) Born To Raise Hell, this release is a misleading misfire, and it's deception/pretention of being perceived as a genuine release, won't win any Seagal new fans (nor inspire any interest in future stuff) I'd have sooner Seagal knocked out a genuine 'quickie' dtv movie, than to follow up 'Machete' with a TV show (but hey, i guess these decisions are way out of his hands) I have a strong feeling that OPTIMUM DVD may release the show in 2 episode mash-up 'dvd releases' like this one, which may ruin what could have been a half decent TV show.


If my review sounds 'damning'...it's probably because i don't mind Seagal Sensei making shit movies....I just take umbrage to him making 'Shit TV shows' and then being packaged like movies. If my review seems under-written (in regards to plot) it's because there's not much to speak about (even my Girlfriend complained about the never-ending scenes of night-time ariel shots of builings and sped-up sunrises, replete with accelarated traffic) But as much as it seems like i'm completely ragging on this release......hey, it's still Seagal...so it's therefore light years ahead of all this Matt Damon/Shia LaPoof shit that clog up the multiplexes.

Buy the 'movie'...Realise it isn't......Drink that cider.....Show it to your girlfriend