DEADLY CROSSING (2010) Steven Seagal

(The 'Scowl'....Seagal
The 'Hair'...Seagal
The 'Nose'....Rumpole Of The Bailey)

Steven Seagal is back in (PG-13) action in this 'avid fart' festooned, confusing cop drama, that features tittless strip shows, near-obscenities and regular 'fade-outs'......all of which give the impression of a bad pilot for a would-be TV show.

Guess what.......IT FUCKING IS!!!!!

'Deadly Crossing', is in fact, a two episode compilation of Sensei's latest TV show 'True Justice'......Sadly to say, i don't think it'll gain Seagal any new fans, but the (ever-forgiving) die-hard Seagal buffs, may find something to enjoy here. At least it opens with one of Seagals better songs (from the 'Songs From The Crystal Cave' album) 'MY GOD' (featuring Stevie Wonder) as the (obviously generic TV style) titles roll......

(Seagal shows us the ropes...then proceeds to cut it's fucking head off)

Seagal stars as Elijah Kane (badass name) head of a Seattle unit of undercover cops, that use 'Unconventional methods' ('surprise, sur-fucking-prise) who take down various bad guys (usually Russians) from Crimes (usually drug deals) in a variety of 'glitzy' locations (usually strip clubs) The plot (already all over the place, due to the fact that it's been edited from two 'open-and-shut' episodes to resemble one full case) is strained even further, by not giving Lord Seagal enough screen-time and instead concentrating on secondary characters (who mostly resemble 'Sunset Beach' rejects/junkies/drop-outs)

The plots (as mismatched as they are) contain: a liquour-store shoot-out, a female cop (who doesn't fawn at the sight of Lord Steven...therefore a suspected murderer) and a gang of Cajun campfire trailer trash who are in cahoots with Russian gun/drug runners (wtf) And because these events are meant to exist in 2 seperate 45 minute episodes, the narative feels badly stretched over the 90 minute mark. Maybe as stand alone episodes, they may fare better... as they are here, they feel extremely padded?

Kane's team consist of the usual clichés associated with such shows:

(A younger, hot-headed, rather fey-looking maverick)

(A token black man, looking particularly enthused at such an undertaking)

(A sluttish, hard-nosed bitch, who secretly lusts for the Sensei
and an equally sluttish rookie, keen to prove herself in her new job, thus sticking her chest out further than the other)

All of the above look up to Kane (and not just because he's a 6.5" mangod of sexual Aikido) but because (and the following "quotes" are from the actual True Justice 'press release')

Quote: "Elijah Kane is as good as they come"

Quote: "Kane, although admirable in honor and worthy of praise for his moral principles, has a past shrouded in mystery"

Quote: "Performing under intense pressure and composed in life threatening situations, he demonstrates the expertise of a warrior, clearly ex-military; exercising his abilities gained in his work with special ops forces"

Quote: "Kane's second in command, Juliet, admires his strong sense of justice and righteousness, especially when it comes to protecting those weaker than him"

Quote: "These young cops look up to Kane in reverence and admiration"

Now those quotes prove to be much better than the actualend result...But i applaud the po-faced nature of such unintentional howlers. And i suspect this show (if picked up for a few seasons may achieve cult status, and actually rank alongside 'So-bad-they're-good' material (i.e) ATTACK FORCE and TODAY YOU DIE.

(A Russian bad guy, who my long-suffering girlfriend informed me, was in Ally McBeal........What would Harrison Ford Say?)

Seagal looks in OK shape (a little heavier, but still fast enough) but seems to be constantly doubled in any shot that shows him from behind (i'm not entirely sure why this is?) But there's no audio dubbing of his voice (yahoo!) The other actors (as mentioned) seem more like 'models' and 'clothes pegs' rather than characters...but Seagal interacts OK with them. They all make at least a dozen references to his bad-assery...which sort of eliviate the tedium (and help the cheap cider go down your throat, that little easier!)

("The Girlies Say They Love Me.....And That's OK...And I Can Dance Better Than Any Kid Or Play")

Now being a TV show (and more importantly not a H.B.O TV show) the profanity and nudity is non-existent. The fight scenes, which there's about 4 or 5 (despite the expected 'erratic' shaky-cam) still contain a few 'trademark' Seagal moves, but are pedestrian, and lack the brutality of recent fare (like Driven To Kill or A Dangerous Man)

(Not the most flattering picture of Sensei Seagal, I might add!)

Some of the more basic stuff looks doubled, yet more of the better moves are Seagal (he even throws a kick or two) but rarely does any scene last longer than a few frames (fights or otherwise) One plus point, is that the production values of this show looks more professional than some of Seagals movies (of late)

("What do you mean 'Porker Texas Ranger'?")

The one big annoyance being the whole 'sped-up' and 'Fast Zoom' camera techniques (or 'Avid Farts' as Vern calls them) that punctuate the beginning of nearly every scene. Any fans expecting this show to be a C.S.I rival, can think again. The plot occasionally has a bit of police procedure and cop-lingo.....but little running time goes into solving the case, other than receiving tip offs, or being at the right time at the right place. Hopefully, this show will have more genuine 'detective' work, if it intends to have a second season. As a 45 minute show, i wish it well.....as a DVD marked £9.99 alongside other (genuine) movies in my local supermarket.....only my 'Seagal love' and 'completeism' deter me from going 'loco' with my air pistol in Morrisons.

("Big-ger-shoe, sir" asked the homeless newspaper selesman)

Anyhow (and you'd have to be fucktard to consider this a 'Spoiler') Kane gets the russian mob boss/arms/drug dealer, and launches (his usual) hand-to-broken-hand one-sided onslaught on the poor fucker....Culminating in a semi-decent act of leg-breaking, that makes the viewer beg for the days of MARKED FOR DEATH

(Ouch #1)

As a whole, 'Deadly Crossing' should have been sold as a budget release. Casual punters paying full price for a TV show, may resent and unjustifiably overlook any future projects, due to feeling shortchanged with this one. Optimum DVD (who seem to be releasing most of Seagals recent offerings) don't even offer up a trailer (despite a trailer actually existing, and a lot more exciting than the movie it's advertising) and we must also welcome the return of the time-honoured tradition of 'Misleading-Artwork-Bullshit.........Featuring cover art with 'Helicopters and explosions' (Check the cover art)

(Oh, and BTW, there's an obligitory 'Seagal kisses a mysterious woman' parting shot, which can only be a plus, in a sea of negatives?)

After the (dissapointing, but ultimately still badass) Born To Raise Hell, this release is a misleading misfire, and it's deception/pretention of being perceived as a genuine release, won't win any Seagal new fans (nor inspire any interest in future stuff) I'd have sooner Seagal knocked out a genuine 'quickie' dtv movie, than to follow up 'Machete' with a TV show (but hey, i guess these decisions are way out of his hands) I have a strong feeling that OPTIMUM DVD may release the show in 2 episode mash-up 'dvd releases' like this one, which may ruin what could have been a half decent TV show.


If my review sounds 'damning'...it's probably because i don't mind Seagal Sensei making shit movies....I just take umbrage to him making 'Shit TV shows' and then being packaged like movies. If my review seems under-written (in regards to plot) it's because there's not much to speak about (even my Girlfriend complained about the never-ending scenes of night-time ariel shots of builings and sped-up sunrises, replete with accelarated traffic) But as much as it seems like i'm completely ragging on this release......hey, it's still Seagal...so it's therefore light years ahead of all this Matt Damon/Shia LaPoof shit that clog up the multiplexes.

Buy the 'movie'...Realise it isn't......Drink that cider.....Show it to your girlfriend

A DAY OF VIOLENCE (2010) Darren Ward

Darren Ward (an unsung talent in the UK) follows up (at long last) his 1998 masterpiece of gritty no-budget bloodletting SUDDEN FURY, with this (slightly) more serious (and much darker) gangster thriller A DAY OF VIOLENCE (that features some regulars from his previous onslaught)

(One for the ladies)

Opening up, with flashback narration from our (already) dead hero 'Mitchell' (sorry, it's not Joe Don Baker, folks!) we learn the troubled tale of a good (albeit flawed) man, in bad circumstances, narrate his own downfall. But when Mitchell goes down, he takes every motherfucker with him. Ironically, it's his one genuine selfless act of humanity, that leads to his downfall (but enough of that later) Of course Mitchell is played by long-time Ward collaborator Nick Rendell (Lead hero 'Walker' from SUDDEN FURY) so it's all good.

Mitchell also has to reassure his worried wife, that'll he soon be leaving this lifestyle behind (You know, the usual nagging wife bullshit, that every tough-guy has to put up with) She also blames his line of work for being the reason that their daughter is in a coma (more about that later)

(Mitchell's wife never advised him to "break a leg" before going to work)

Mitchell works as a debt collector for some Cornish scumbag, named Ben Casey (i say 'scumbag' because he barks out 'farm-yacker' orders over the phone, replete with porn screen savers on his PC) Casey sends Mitchell to collect £2000 from some lowlife junkie, named Hopper (played by none other than 'exploitation' legend Giovanni Lombardo Radice (and if you need me to list the movies he's starred in, then get the fuck off my blog...pronto!) Mitchell instead finds £100, 000, prompting him to torture and kill Hopper (in a particularly nasty throat slashing sequence that looks frighteningly realistic)

(ouch #1)

Mitchell decides to keep the swag for himself. Unknown to Mitchell, Hopper has filmed Mitchell ransacking his flat and finding the money, before his grisly demise.

Mitchell returns home, and bullshits Casey that no money was found and hands in his notice, informing that he's going to work for a rival firm (headed by Curtis Boswell) which infuriates Casey (leading to bad case of hilarious over-acting, shouting, ranting and raving, made all the funnier by his Cornish accent)

(Jethro on Death-Row......Ben Casey and his classy screensavers)

Mitchell wakes the next morning, goes for his morning jog, and upon returning home, is startled by a knife-wielding intruder (who turns out to be prankster/toff/extraordinaire, 'Smithy') It transpires that Smithy works for Boswell, and is picking him up, for his first day, in his new job. Smithy and Mitchell go way back, but although he seems to be doing well, Mitchell can sense that his old friend is hiding something from him.

(The mirth-making, ill-fated 'Smithy')

Smithy and Mitchell arrive at a huge warehouse to meet Boswell (played by Victor D Thorn,who excelled in Sudden fury as Lennox) in probably the standout performance of the movie...partly down to the fact that he sounds like a foul-mouthed Chris Tarrant. Within minutes, Boswell has his goons beat up Smithy and truss him upside down by his ankles, to a concerned (but clearly out-numbered) Mitchell.

(Curtis boswell, Chris Tarrant sound-a-like)

Turns out Smithy was 'skimming' money from Boswell, and is to be made an example of, in front of Mitchell. What's worse is, everyone believes that Smithy has Hoppers money (but only Mitchell knows the truth.) In keeping with Boswell earlier threat/job advice of "If you fuck with me in any way....you will be punished....And I'm not talking about the sort of punishment you can walk away from" Smithy is indeed punished.

('Bat's entertainment!')

Hanging upside down, trouser-less, beaten and shot, Boswell ends his obedience class (and the movies stand-out 'Yuck' scene) with a spot of Garden-Shear (not to mention 'censor-baiting') castration.

(Ouch #2, 3 & 4...Smithy proves that he HAD the balls for the job)

Boswell then shoots a (understandably) screaming Smithy dead (thank god) But things get worse for Mitchell, as Boswell orders him (and another henchman, lovingly named 'Chisel') to go to Hoppers house and retrieve the crime lords £100, 000 (which Mitchell has hidden in his own bathroom) Mitchell plays it cool, but the inevitable happens when Chisel finds Hoppers mobile phone (you just know it's only a matter of time, before the incriminating footage of Mitchell is found...Lending to a fair amount of suspense)
Boswell orders Mitchell and Chisel to visit Smithy's wife (thinking she has the £100k) and beat the information (plus the shit) out of her. Chisel is more than up for beating up women, but Mitchell intervenes (and is briefly knocked unconscious for his troubles) We now find out how 'Chisel' earned his name, as he goes to work of Smithy's widow, by smashing her teeth out with his namesake tool. Luckily, Mitchell wakes up, and knocks out the torturer, and flees the scene with Smithy's widow.

(To catch a teeth...Chisel by name, Chisel by nature)

Chisel informs Boswell of Mitchell's treachery, and is ordered to track him down. During his search, Chisel notices the video footage of Mitchell talking the cash, on Hoppers mobile phone....and Boswell puts out a small army, to find Mitchell and retrieve the £100k.

Mitchell (rather foolishly) returns home, and is soon captured and taken back to the warehouse, were he is beaten senseless by Boswells goons (resembling the TOXIC AVENGER, with his swollen, bruised features)

(ouch#5)

But our hero soon manages to escape his captors, after stabbing and shooting the shit out of most of them (in true Darren Ward pyrotechnic-overload manner...which is a great thing!) But soon finds that Boswell and a few more goons are hot on his trail.

(Down, but never out, Mitchell turns the tables)

Mitchell gets news to his wife, that he's ok, and orders her to get out of town whilst the heat is on. During his frantic search for sanctuary, we are also treat to a flashback sequence, showing how his daughter was injured, due to his dangerous line of work.

(Obligatory flashback)

Mitchell arranges to lay low with a friend (but his friend 'snitches' his whereabouts to Boswell) Thus follows a particularly nasty shoot-out in a nightclub, in which several innocent bystanders are blown the piss out of.

(Wouldn't you just love to do this, at your local wetherspoons?)

Mitchell ducks bullets left, right and centre (unlike a lot of unfortunate nightclub patrons) and (eventually) reigns supreme in a Mexican stand-off with Boswell and co (with a messy shot to the eye-ball.) And (it seems) he has come out on top.....



....That is, until six months later. Smithy's widow (having put two-and-two together) arrives at Mitchell's home (just as he's taking a soak in the bath) armed with the following:

1) The realisation that Mitchell's greed, lead to her husbands death

2) A shotgun

(Darren Ward redefines the term 'Bloodbath')

Mitchell's story comes full circle, and 'The Day Of Violence' comes to an end. With the only positive note being that Mitchell's daughter is out of her coma, and mourning his passing alongside his grieving wife, in the morgue.

(The end)

Like I said, a little less comical than SUDDEN FURY and (possibly) better for it. Average cinema-goers may scoff at the low-budget, Suffolk accents,the odd iffy performance and general 'tone' of this movie....But it did it for me. Some UK distributors should have a little faith in this guy. He films shootouts with a furious kinetic energy, like no other. And this is all the more remarkable, given the budgets this guy must (surely) have to work with?

Keep up the great work Mr Ward (and don't take so long to bring out another movie) If you need a couple of quid, or an extra...let me know?


Beg, steal, borrow (or at very least) Maim...to get your hands on a copy of this fine British movie.