EAT AND RUN (1986) Ron Silver

Taking time off my legendary 'Prisoner Cell Block H' marathon (Ep 164 and counting) It's high time I reviewed this hugely' underrated comedy (and staple ITV 'Night-time' movie in the early 90's) starring the late (great) Ron Silver as bumbling detective Mickey McSorley. I won't bore anyone with my usual (would-be droll) intro shit, and just get straight down to facts.


Driving through a desert highway, an old man (named Aldo) hears a crash, followed by a blinding red light in the sky (probably the ONLY special effect in the entire movie) just before picking up a mono symbolic bald overweight hitch-hiker (Street Trash and Troma favourite R.L Ryan) who suddenly gets an attack of the munchies as Aldo announces that he's an Italian. Quicker than 'Gary Glitter on the next flight out to Vietnam' Aldo is eaten by the hitch-hiker (off screen off course) and all that is spat out are his buttons. The hitch-hiker is (in fact) an alien, and once he's eaten 'Italian' there's no shortage of ready meals as he (inexplicably) drives the stolen van towards Little Italy.


We cut to a police station (replete with cheesy sax music) and in the captains office, a voice-over informs us (in true Bogart-style) that here sits a broken down old slob of a man. All of this would be fine, except our hero (and humble narrator) Mickey McSorley is speaking his 'monologues' out loud...much to the displeasure of his foul-mouthed captain (who never stops eating) and seems more concerned that he (quote) "Ordered a Fudge the fish....and they sent me fucking Cookie-Face!" than the dozen of missing people in the Little Italy area. Like a toilet-less man (i.e. nothing to go on) McSorley decides to visit (Bleeding-heart) Judge Cohen, to see if she's let any homicidal maniacs out on bail this week.



Arriving at the courthouse, we see Judge Cohen picking out verdicts like lottery numbers. Despite her methods, McSorely has the hots for the foxy judge, and as she she starts to walk away, he laments over what to do, in this priceless scene:

McSorley: "Let her just walk out of my life like that? I had to do something and I had to do something fast, but what?...How? How could I tell her in a word or gesture, that she was the most elegant, most desirable woman I had ever seen in my life? There was only way...The universal language of love, I had to give it a try?" (He then shouts her) "YOUR HONOUR!"

She turns around (and true to his word) McSorley declares his passion with the following gesture:



Which obviously works, as we cut to them frolicking in the boudoir. Several positions later (a post-coital) McSorley opens his heart to his latest conquest:

McSorley: "How was it for you?"
Judge Cohen: "How was what for me?"
McSorley: "Forget it"

Judge Cohen: "What's the matter?"
McSorley: "I promised myself I would wouldn't fall in love again"
Judge Cohen: "Isn't that interesting, I did too"
McSorley: "Well, I guess I broke my promise"
Judge Cohen: "I didn't"

Judge Cohen: "You've been hurt haven't you?"
McSorley: "Who hasn't been?"
Judge Cohen: "Me"



It is then casually implied that Judge Cohen has also given our bumbling hero a dose of herpes for his troubles. With the Alien at large and the body-count rising, the Police Chief asks McSorley to guess how many people have gone missing (and also how many guesses one can have at guessing how many people have gone missing) which almost brings about a suspected connection between the names of the victims (which are: Cantonlli, Pucio, Gregagorio, Frederico, Ginelli, Impellateri, Leonardo, Martinelli, Robertero, Santini, Terasini and Sanbini) Neither he (or the Captain) see any link in the surnames.



McSorley hits the streets and questions an elderly road warden informs him that it may be down to the 'Norwegians', but it is our Heroes visit to Scarpettis Pizzeria' that brings him face to face with the Italian-eating Alien (who promptly eats Mr Scarpetti) However, McSorley has no bullets in his pistol (and despite vocalising the 'Bang' sound) the Alien flees the scene. Returning to the police station, McSorley informs the captain that a Alien is responsible for the murders, but his (dessert devouring) captain is more perplexed with "What to do with all these fucking Norwegians?" (....cue a shot of a family in viking hats, sat in the corner)



Back at home, McSorley is having more unmemorable sex with Judge Cohen (who he now refers to as "Your Honour Darling") Unmoved by any of McSorleys hang-ups, the Judge pleasures herself (off-screen) with a vibrator, as our ever grateful (and clearly, deaf) cop sings her praises for being so selfless. As her orgasmic screams become louder, McSorley is oblivious to it all.



McSorely (out of ideas) decides to visit his father, legendary sleuth Sorely McSorley (a Sherlock Holmes type English gent with an uncanny knack at deduction) hence his initial reaction to his sons visit:

Sorely McSorley: "He shifted his weight nervously. I could sense that he was troubled. The air had grown thicker, most likely from the dust on his shoes....That told me a lot. It was no ordinary dust, it was dust mixed with traces of soft coal emissions...the kind of soot common to only one area of Manhattan...South of 14th street. But it was a fine day and no-one would be firing a furnace...Unless it came from an are where there was a high concentration of pizza makers...Therefore I deduced that he had been spending a lot of time in Little Italy"

After also deducing that his son is clearly not capable of satisfying a women in bed, McSorley Snr concludes his findings on such slim clues:
"This was no ordinary killer he was after, otherwise he wouldn't be here?.........I had nothing to go on....only a hunch....But I felt it just might be a huge ugly creature from outer space"

Back at the station, the chief is busy grilling a cake delivery boy about a seven layered cake only containing six layers. And it's Dilemmas like this that force the chief to not only kick McSorley off the case, but also the police force. McSorley undeterred, has a plan, but it involves sneaking into the 'narcotics impound'...where he is sold a huge bag a morphine (but also forced into buying a complimentary steak-knife and designer patio furniture from the smart-ass desk-jockey) That night (after another round of bad sex) McSorley suggests that Judge Cohen release a known drug dealer into his custody (for rehabilitation purposes) when in fact, he plans to use the perp as bait for the alien. Judge Cohen agrees, and the next morning McSorley picks up his new charge. Our hero (foolishly) refers to the released criming as a "Pisher" resulting in the following exchange:

Dealer: "I'm a pusher not a pisher"
McSorley: "What's the difference?"
Dealer: "Are you kidding...Pisher takes the wrap...A pusher passes to a pisher"
McSorley: "Who passes to a pusher?"
Dealer: "A pasher"
McSorley: "Where's that?"
Dealer: "In Persia"
McSorley: "Ahh...So the pasher is from Persia?"
Dealer: "Originally he was from Prussia"
McSorley: "I see"
Dealer: "He drives around putting the pressure on the pushers"
McSorley: "In what?"
Dealer: "A Porsche"
McSorley: "Just a plain Porsche?"
Dealer: "Nah, a plusher Porsche"
McSorley: "Let me get this straight...The Prussian Persian Pasher in his plusher Porsche, puts pressure on the pusher who passes to a pisher?"
Dealer: "Of course!"

McSorley straps four bags of morphine to the dealer has him dress up as an organ grinder (replete with toy monkey) as the worlds biggest tranquiliser to bait the Alien. Turning his back for a second, McSorley finds the alien suitably doped up after eating the dealer. However once under arrest, the alien soon beats the wrap (thanks to bleeding heart Judge Cohen, and noted Psychiatrist 'Hansel Gretal') on the grounds that he is a juvenile and unable to have understood the rights read to him. The alien is given a name (Murray) and Judge Cohen dumps McSorley, and moves the rotund eating machine into her home (not to mention her bed)


Off the force and out of love, a broken McSorley drowns his sorrows in a local bar. Retaining a shred of dignity, he chooses not to end it all on common cheap liquor, so instead sits at the bar downing an endless (slightly pathetic) array of exotic cocktails. Making a chance phone call to Cohens grandmother, McSorley discovers that his "Honour Darling" is in fact Italian (gasp!) Judge Cohen is due to introduce Murray to her grandmother at the family run 'Zepole' stand. Against the clock, McSorley visits his famous father once more, for advice.


Sorley McSorley comes up with the idea that his son must disguise the grandmother, to cover up her otherwise Italian appearance. Arriving at the Zepole stand, McSorley leaves the 'Standard Hasidic Disguise' kit with her wise-ass son (who's constantly frying his jewelry and swearing) One fucked-up plan later, and Murray whisks Cohen away to be eaten in private. Fearful for her life, Cohen has enough time to ask a Mime Artist to warn McSorley of her impending fate.

At her appartment, McSorley consoles an unconscious Cohen (a tongue-twister in it's own right) and explains to her the painstaking levels required to deduce that a mime had informed him of her predicament.
McSorley: "When I heard nothing but silence, I knew it must be a mime, so I traced the call, and found him at a pay phone"
Cohen: "And then he told you?"
McSorley: "It wasn't easy getting information from that guy"
Cohen: "The mime?"
McSorley: "Mo Mar"
Cohen: "Mo Mar?"
McSorley: "Mo Mar the mime wouldn't murmour"
Cohen: "What did you do?"
McSorley: "Called his mama"
Cohen: "His Mama?"
McSorley: "Mimi"
Cohen: "Mimi?"
McSorley: "But mo-mar was mum to mama mimi"
Cohen: "What did you do?"
McSorley: "I said m'am, must I maim mum mime Mo Mar to make a murmour, Mimi?"
Cohen: "You maimed Mimi's Mo Mar?"
McSorley: "Couldn't...They both secretly loved to go to France"
Cohen: "France?"
McSorley: "Montmarte"
Cohen: "Let me see if I have this straight....The unmaimed mum mime Mo Mar and his mama Mimi may meet in Montmare?"
McSorley: "That's what it means"
Cohen: "My-my"



Anyhow (to cut an already long review short) McSorley pops out for batteries for his sweethearts (unbeknown) vibrator. He returns to find Murray the alien about to eat Cohen. McSorley tosses a cabbage patch doll at the alien, who nurses it with compassion...until he spys the 'MADE IN ITALY' tag, and proceeds to chomp it. Luckily our (not-so) bumbling hero has laced the doll with hidden poison, thus killing the creature.


Back on the police force, McSorley is informed by the Police captain, that despite saving the day, Murray the alien hadn't (in fact) killed anyone since his acquittal, and that McSorley is going to indicted for manslaughter. Just as things look bleak for our intrepid detective, salvation appears in the shape of Judge Cohen, who bursts into the captains office and announces she'll be leading the prosecution....and will be seeking the death penalty for our luckless hero!

The End


EAT AND RUN is a deadpan classic. If you're a fan of the Leslie Neilson brand of humour (but with more profanity and adult content) then this is the movie for you. The fact it's played straight is the key. Ron Silver (a great actor in his own right) should have done more comedies. His timing, mannerisms and body language really put him up there with the all time greats. For a low-budget NEW WORLD cheapie, it certainly delivers the goods and is surprisingly well written (unlike this overlong rambling review)


It's movies like this that confirm my belief that Adam Sandler and Jim Carey are nothing but fucking talentless overpaid childrens entertainers. If you like ultra corny, low rent, Deadpan, gross comedy (think National Lampoons Class Reunion) mixed with some genuinely witty wordplay and sight-gags, then EAT AND RUN is a great way to kill 80 minutes (and a timely reminder that comedies didn't always have to rely on box-office oxygen-thieves and huge concepts, to make the punters chuckle)

David Hess (1942 - 2011)

Switching on my PC this morning, I was shocked to read about the death of David Hess.

Hess started his career as a singer, songwriter in the late 50's and was first discovered by Perry Como (Hess' was he first artist to record 'All Shook Up' and subsequently led to him writing a few hits for Elvis Presley, Pat Boone and Andy Williams)

In 1972, his (then) brother-in-law (Martin Kove) persuaded the Hess to give acting a stab (and 'stab' it, he did) as 'Krug Stillo' in Wes Cravens groundbreaking classic The Last House On The Left. Hess also wrote and performed the haunting (sometimes jaunty) soundtrack, that still divides audiences today (personally, I think it's awesome) The Last House On The Left set a new benchmark in movie violence, and although Hess had many roles in different genres, he was best associated (not to mention 'best served') in horror movies. Hitch-Hike (alongside Franco Nero) followed in 1977, and Hess delivered the goods again. But in 1980, his role as 'Alex' in Rugerro Deodato's savage House On The Edge Of The Park, finally cemented Hess as 'The Baddest Bad-Guy In Cinema' (a movie that still suffers 13 minutes of censorship in the UK)

Hess continued to act in bit parts here and then, usually playing bad guys in U.S TV shows, and this steady revenue, enabled him to continue his passion for music. In 2009, he bounced back to the horror spotlight with SMASH CUT, a gory (low budget) tale of a fil-makers descent into madness. IMDB had Hess linked to a Deodato directed update of House On The Edge Of The Park for a 2012 release....But sadly (like Joe Spinell in Maniac 2, before him) the project is just another 'What If' for horror fans. Hess leaves behind a legion of mourning fans (myself included) and a legacy of great movies (and likewise songs)

Rest In Peace David Hess, keep on rocking

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER 2 (1996) Neil Giuntoli

After my long absence (i.e, watching 90+ back-to-back episodes of PRISONER: CELL BLOCK H with only another 600 to go) I thought I'd return to review a much maligned sequel to one of the best 'Horror' movies ever made. HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER 2 - MASK OF SANITY (Phew...what a mouthful!) has it's flaws (notably no Michael Rooker) but holds up well to it's predecessor, and retains the same 'downbeat' tone. Plus it manages the rare feat of having a rape sequence that gets right under my skin (more on that in a while)

After many shots of murdered victims (indicating that our 'hero' is still keeping active) we see Henry drag a woman into the woods, before killing her as she tries to escape. Given Henry's 'passtime', it's understandable that he has no regular address...therefore he frequents various soup kitchens and homeless shelters. During one visit, a derranged looking pervert, takes a shine to Henry, at the dinner table. Henry ignores him.

("Your carboard box or mine?")

Later in the sleep shelter, the creepy guy lays in the opposite bunk, inviting Henry to watch him whack off ("hey boy....Looky here") Henry turns around (probably not advisable, given his admirers intentions) Undeterred, the pervert casually rapes a older bum in the opposite bunk that Henry is facing. Henry just lays there (as do the other homeless folk) as the old victim screams out for help. This scene freaks me out. It's not particularly realistic (although I'm no expert on 'Gay-Rape'.... despite living in Middlesbrough) It's the hopelessness of it all. Henry (or anyone else) could easily intervene....but no-one does. Henry again, turns his back on the screaming victim and the rapist pervert. Maybe, Henry (a psycho himself) understands that the pervert is just doing his thing, and any intervention would be hypocritical?

(What the fuck?)

Leaving the shelter, Henry goes looking for work, and soon finds employment at a 'Portable-Toilet' delivery yard. He soon makes friends with co-worker Kai (and his wife 'Cricket') but seems wary of the ever-grinning sleazeball manager 'Rooter'. Kai and Cricket invite Henry to move into their spare room (until he gets on his feet, money-wise) And despite his (seemingly) timid nature, Henry forms a semblance of normality with his new housemates. Cricket's niece (the troubled) Louisa, takes a shine to Henry, and sees in him a fellow kindred spirit.

Louisa's 'attachment' to Henry is strengthened, when Henry saves her from bullying neighbourhood kids, that taunt her 'mental stability' Henry manhandles her young tormentors, who vow to "Tell their daddy" and low and behold, later that night...The young Hoodlums family arrive on Kai's doorstep, baying for blood (and trading foul-mouthed expletives at each other, in easily the movies funniest sequence)

("Tell me where this guy is, or I'm gonna start busting heads!")

Henry sneaks a peak in Kai's basement to find a stack of alarm clocks and a book labelled 'Incendiary Devices' (a red-hot read, I'll wager) before he can put two and two together, Kai confronts him, and proceeds to explain his 'after-hours' work as a 'fire-bomber' for insurance claims. Kai brings Henry into the business, and the two men set off to set a controlled inferno at a warehouse. With petrol bombs set to ignite, Henry hears a noise, and uncovers two homeless guys sleeping rough in the warehouse. Pulling out a revolver (which shocks even Kai) Henry ties up the two guys, puts them in the trunk of his car, and drives away before the warehouse is engulfed in flames (I don't know why he didn't leave them there to burn, truth be told?) Henry now plans to bring Kai into HIS 'after-hours' work......by insisting to Kai, that they shoot a homeless guy each. What's worse is, Kai seems to enjoy it....

(watt the fuck?)

Many more 'firebomb' (not to mention, portable shitter) jobs ensure, and 'arsonist-in-command' Rooter (already on Henry's shit list) incurs further wrath, when he jokingly states "Fuck up, and I'll kill ya" to our lovable serial killer. Later that night Henry (pissed off that Kai has spilt the beans to Rooter) teaches his landlord a brutal lesson in 'Shut-your-fucking-mouth'ness' by randomly killing another homeless guy (who had the Gaul to try clean his windscreen) This freaks Kai out, but he's too far into it to back out now.

(Henry: Portrait of a fucked up horse)


Louisa tries to bond with Henry (boy, can she pick em') with examples of her morose artwork (i.e, a lot of sub-par 'goth figures impaled on scythes' bullshit) which leads to Henry putting pencil to paper (resulting in a bizarre, yet strangely touching picture of a horse) Referred to as "Rocks" as it was a horse Henry had as a child, that only ate rocks (don't ask) This leads to a conversation about suicide, between our two 'would-be' starlets (as you do) Louisa looks determined to take 'it' to the next level with Henry, but (luckily for her) Henry makes his excuses an leaves.

Kai is set upon by the disgrunted father (plus two of his buddies) from earlier, who proceed to give Kai the 'Ike Turner' treatment. Battered, bruised (and feeling not quite a 'Real' man) Kai confides to Henry that he'd like to (quote) "Get all those bastards, burn all their fuckin' houses down") to a dissinterested Henry. In fact, our pint-sized serial killer suggests that Kai get revenge, by killing some random guy at the spare of the moment. And pulling up at a gas station, the two men do just that. Kai kicks the shit out of a hapless mechanic, before stabbing him, and Henry finishes him off by slitting his throat.

Despite his reservations, murdering a bunch of winos works wonders for Kai's flagging marriage to Cricket, as it seems to increase his libido (which in turn, disgusts Henry) Armed with a revived sexlife, and wanting to protect her (already obsessed) neice, Cricket wants Henry to move out, and tells Kai to turf him out. Henry (surprisingly) agrees, but suggests that they both go out for one last night of fun. Which means breaking into the house of an elderly couple (decapitating the male, suffocating the woman) This is the final straw for Kai (fucking hypocrite he is) and afterwards the two men come to blows (with Henry getting the upper hand)

(Redneck)

A (now besotted) Louisa attempts to woo Henry, who rejects her...causing our disturbed heroine to call him (quote) "A fucking fag" before threatening to (quote) "Blow my own fucking brains out" Henry flees, but a distraught Louisa rummages through Kai's kit-bag and finds his revolver. Meanwhile Henry, Kai and Cricket attend a party at Rooters house. Rooter mocks the fact that both men have been fighting each other (casting further aspersions on their sexuality) and then proceedes to make matters 16 times fucking worse by spiking Henry's beer with LSD (bad idea) Henry returns later on, and repays the favour by 'spiking' Rooters nose (with a big-ass screwdriver) Kai witnesses this, and helps Henry cut up Rooters corpse (and even offing a bystander that's snooping around)

With the corpses bagged and burnt, Henry returns home with Kai (and cricket) to find a hysteric Louisa, with a gun barrel to her head. Despite the pleas of the trio, Lousia blows her brains out. This upsets Henry enough, to make him realise that now is the time to 'move on'. But not before he shoots both Kai and Cricket. Dumping all three bodies in the basement (and utilizing the arsonist skills his friend taught him) Henry douses the house in petrol (caring little that Kai is still alive) and throws a flare into the house.

Henry drives off, the house explodes, the titles roll.

HENRY PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER 2 is probably hated by about 95% of Gods-blue-and-green-misery-orb. Despite it's lead actor being at least foot shorter than Michael Rooker (and resembling the love-child of Art Hindle and John Heard) the movie is filled with enough sleazy offbeat carnage to please fans willing to overlook the absence of original star and director. It retains the gritty, urban feel of it's predecessor (plus touches of offeat black humour) The murders are a little more gruesome, but just as upsetting. Neil Giuntoli aquits himself well and convinces in the quieter scenes as well as the 'bat-shit' sequences. The other actors (no academy favourites amongst them) play their roles well enough. Cricket (Kate Walsh) has clearly been to the Gaylen Ross school of acting (which is no bad thing in a movie as nihilstic as this) Whilst Rich Komenich (bearing an uncanny resemblance to Jeffery Dean Morgan in WATCHMEN....albeit in the 'Comedians' later, washed up years) certainly doesn't phone it in either as Kai, the slightly pathetic arsonist, murderer and impotent redneck anti-villain.

(Salvation Barmy)

Director Chuck Parello seems to have a thing for serial killers. He directed the (dire) ED GEIN in 2000...before redeeming himself with in 2004 the (insanely hilarious) HILLSIDE STRANGLERS (starring C. Thomas Howell and Nicolas Turturro) which would make a great double-bill. I would advise anyone not familiar with these two movies to seek them out. And as great as the John McNaughton 'HENRY' is, this sequel is a lot better than it has any right to be (plus a must for lovers of low rent, high sleaze urban horror movies)

Memorable quote:

Kai "Son of a fucking bitch"

Happy Birthday Sylvester Stallone

Not had much time of recent to post up any reviews (working on a few...and finally located my SHARK ATTACK 3 dvd) and what with the sad passing of Peter Falk, it's never a better time to celebrate my favourite actors Birthday.

Not much to say about Stallone, other than his rise to fame inspired billions (let alone his movies) For all the slick pumped up action flicks, he'll be (rightfully) associated with the ROCKY movies (those movies are a template to my life...regardless of what heights you actually reach) Add to his acting, writing, producing, and singing abilities (come on...."Too Close To Paradise" is a classic song) he also comes across a genuinely warm and witty guy, not afraid to mock his own image and mortality. And at 65 years of age (today) the guy is still built like a piece of steel.

He briefly dipped his toes into DTV land in the late 90's early 2000's....but has since bounced back with ROCKY BALBOA, RAMBO and THE EXPENDABLES (which is great, because quite frankly, I'm sick to death of so-called 'action stars' like Matt Damon and Orlando Bloom) With many other projects lined up, Stallone shows no signs of slowing down. Long may be reign as the finest action hero in history (not to mention, a great actor)



Happy Birthday Sly

Peter Falk (1927-2011)

Genuinely saddened at last nights news of Peter Falk's passing. Not that he made many Straight-To-DVD movies in his illustrious career (although Walter Hill's underrated UNDISPUTED was granted such treatment in the UK)

Born in 1927, Falk lost an eye (to cancer) at three years old. Not the best start to any young life (let alone, someone who would go onto achieve the worldwide accolade and fame that Falk did) But (as Sammy Davis Jr, before him) true talent shines through any disability.

Falk made a name for hmself on stage, before slowly working his way up the hollywood ladder. He clocked up some memorable supporting performances in movies like Murder Inc, Pretty Boy Floyd, It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World, Castle Keep and Anzio. In 1968 he signed up for a NBC MYSTERY MOVIE called Prescription Murder, playing a rumpled detective named Columbo. Although not a huge hit with audiences, the character of Columbo was recommissioned 3 years later (with another one-off episode, Ransom For A Dead Man) leading (later that year) to a seven episode season....the rest as they say is history, and the character made Falk instantly recognizable around the world.

And the movie roles didn't stop there. Now a huge 'name' actor, Falk starred in many classic movies (during his 32 tenure as Lt Columbo) including, Husbands, A Woman Under The Influence, Murder By Death, Mikey And Nicky, The Cheap Detective, The In-Laws, The California Dolls, Wings of Desire, The Princess Bride and (David Mamet's enjoyable) Lakeboat.

Although he'll be forever associated (and rightfully so) with Columbo, Pater Falk not only leaves a eclectic back-catalogue of movies, he also leaves millions of fans mourning at the passing of one the few greats. R.I.P Peter Falk


Got the full set of Columbo DVD's...time for a complete re-watch, methinks?

DIRECT CONTACT (2009) Dolph Lundgren

As much as I enjoyed THE PUNISHER, ARMY OF ONE or MEN OF WAR, I've gotta' be honest here, and say that I've always found Dolph Lundgren to be the 'eternal bridesmaid' of action cinema, and found his recent movies rather dull. Be it my old age (or the fact that he killed 'Apollo Creed') I've found most of his DTV work to be 'lacking'. He sure looks the part and at 53 years young, 6' 5" tall, he certainly looks after himself....but (as with Wesley Snipes) his DTV work is littered with more duds than hits. None of this stops me from watching his movies.....but truth be told, I'm sick to death of reading stuff like "The Russian Specialist is a kick ass movie" (when it clearly isn't) or PR blurb stating "Command Performance rocks" (only to find a dull and plodding Die Hard Wannabe, hidden behind an otherwise great trailer) So it's with indifferent displeasure (?) that i review the latest Lundgren 'masterpiece' to hit UK shelves (despite it being already 2 year old...which is never a good sign) But looking at the DVD case...it seems to have some plus points, it's an 18 Certificate Nu Image movie, featuring Michael Pare......What could go wrong?

(Quite a lot....it seems)



DIRECT ACTION sees Lundgren as lunk-headed (ex-US Special forces) Mike Riggins , residing in an Eastern Europe prison for gun-running. Amidst the many beatings from the wardens, fights with inmates, or the blood drinking Rats, Riggins seems oddly at ease with his predicament. Enter shadowy U.S envoy Clive Connelly (Michael Pare) who offers Riggins a full pardon (plus $200k) to rescue an kidnapped American woman, Ana Gale (Gina May) who is being held by a ruthless criminal, Vlado Karadjov (surely a name worthy of a 90+ score at Scrabble?) Connelly also mentions that anna may be suffering a touch of 'Stockholm Syndrome' and may resist being rescued.

("Ray Liotta was busy filming BEE MOVIE 2")

Riggins gets $20k upfront, a mobile phone and (like any self respecting paroled inmate) heads to the nearest disco/titty bar to arrange a meeting with Karadjov. Of course, as with most Eastern European titty bars...the swarthy types soon betray Riggins, and
he is beaten up (but spared death) by Karadjov and his men. Undeterred, Riggins pays a visit to the local fire-arms seven/eleven...and heads back to Karadjovs base to bring da ruckas to all those muthafuckaz.

(The budget wouldn't stretch to 3D, but Dolph gave it his best shot)

Much fence cutting, bomb planting and knocking out inept guards later...Riggins finally locates Anna...who thanks him for his troubles with a swift kick to the knackers. Our hero punches her in the stomach to keep her from screaming (nice) and despite her protests of "Not being kidnapped", Riggins gets her out of Karadjovs base, much to the displeasure the sadistic General Drago (surely a knowing namesaked 'wink' at Lundgrens most iconic role?)

(EH?)

The chase is on (replete with usual NU-IMAGE second hand action scenes/explosions) Our hero and heroine make it to (brief) safety in a nearby hotel. Riggins phones Connelly (who reveals himself as C.I.A, but little else) and arranges a meeting place for the girl to be handed over and the cash to be exchanged. Riggins smells a rat, attends the meeting alone...and tells Connelly to eat the bird, before buggering off (on another chase sequence.....this time on a motorbike!) leading to more recycled action scenes.

(Dolph was on page 6 of 'The Fatty Arbuckle-sexual Etiquette manual')

Returning to the hotel, Riggins finds that Anna has escaped, but tracks her down to a train station. They both board the train (cue footage from Van Damme's 'Derailed') but Drago's men are there to (badly) shoot the shit out of innocent bystanders, in their quest to miss Riggins with every single bullet they fire. With several thousand rounds of ammo easily dodged, Riggins and Anna leave the train at the next station (which rather inexplicably seems built directly to a sewer filled with homeless people...but wide enough to accommodate a military hummer vehicle)

("No way did Streets Of Fire outperform Masters Of The Universe?")

Evading the army once again, our heroes steal a taxi, leading to a further chase scene (some ropey back projection and further sequences from 'Derailed' ) Fleeing their captors again (god this is getting repetitive) Riggins and Anna head to a nearby cafe. A news story on the TV indicates that Anna is in fact the daughter of (recently deceased) billionaire oil and Shipping magnate Allister Roberts. Now the picture is looking a little clearer about the real motives behind Conellys offer.

(Mmmmm, I wonder who gets shot....The Hero or the The Waiter?)

Anna tends to a graze on riggins stomach (fuck me...a bullet actually got within a yard of Dolph!) and the pair go to meet Karadjov (who it turns out IS a good guy) at a nearby football stadium. Unfortunately, General Drago and his army arrive on the scene...leading to another shoot-out (yawn) and the demise of Karadjov. Connelly arrives in a helicopter and (amazingly) keeps his end of the deal with Riggins (by giving him the money, as promised) in exchange for the girl. Anna (suitably pissed) berates our hero for selling out, but off he drives...leaving the heiress at the mercy of Drago and Connelly.



It turns out that Anna's naughty Uncle Trent is behind the whole shenanigans, and wants her to sign the rights of the company over to him. Connelly treats Anna to a bit of the 'Ike Turner First Date Workout', but (wahey!).....Riggins returns, armed with guns and rifles (plus the worst hand grenade explosions since For Your Height Only) leading to more chase footage (from Out For A Kill) to enliven proceedings (i mean WTF, we haven't had a shootout in the last 2 minutes)

(And the soldiers still fucking miss)

Outrunning the badguys again (for a fucking change!) Riggins figures out that the mobile phone Connelly gave him, is a tracking device (no shit sherlock!) Seeking shelter in a nearby woodshed, Riggins and anna finally get down to (an awkward looking scene of) Rumpy-pumpy. The next morning we see Riggins getting all McGuyver-like on his getaway vehicle (actually we see him lift a small panel of pig-iron...hardly an A-Team montage) This is inter-cut with General Drago and his army shooting the living shit out a group of villagers in his search for our heroes. Heading for the gates of the nearest American Embassy, our heroes are shot at by their own side (Realism at last!) So whats a former ex-US Special forces/gun runner/jailbird/mercenary/suspected terrorist to do...he simply drive into the building NEXT FUCKING DOOR to the embassy for a showdown with Drago/Connelly and various inept soldiers. Although Connellys demise is quite an 'explosive' scene (hint, hint) The movie still ends on a shit-eating grin fest, as Riggins looks at Anna and utters "God Bless America" ("Try lensing a movie there, every now and then Dolph" I say)

(Too hot for cinema)

DIRECT CONTACT is 20 years too late for an action movie (in terms of acting, plot and production values) and rather plodding (despite it's many action scenes) even for a low budget DTV release. Releasing stuff like this after THE EXPENDABLES, won't do Lundgren (and his career) any favours. Any moments of cheesy charm is few and far between (although I chuckled a little at Lundgren spitting up blood in his cell, only for a passing rat to gobble it up) And given the extensive BU-IMAGE back catalogue, they could have recycled much better action scenes (those OPERATION DELTA FORCE movies are also 'pilfered' throughout) Dolph still aquits himself well in the fight scenes, but they're nothing to write home about. Gina May comes across as a second rate Megan Fox (if such an entity exists?) and only Michael Pare walks away from this without any damage (and probably another Uwe Boll movie to make, that very weekend)

(Insert haemorrhoid gag here:)

If my review sounds dire and repetitive...it's because the movie is (oh, yeah, and because I'm a lousy reviewer as well) But the almost non-stop action and messy squib-work, doesn't change my opinion on Dolph Lundgren as a genuine action star...neither is DIRECT CONTACT jaw-droppingly bad enough to warrant a 'So-bad-it's-good' quality. It just sits there for 80 odd minutes, then finishes (like a fairweather friend, you've foolishly invited to your house) Although hardcore Lundgren buffs will probably find plenty to enjoy, nontheless. But given that i watched this movie as a double bill (alongside 'Los nuevos extraterrestres') and found DIRECT CONTACT to be the duller of the two...really says it all.

Then again, it might just be me...I can't stand Michael Dudikoff either?

(Although I didn't hate it, as much as this guy?)