'Still Waters: The Lifeworks of Roy Scheider' by Saurav Dutt

Hot on the heels of my (ill-fated) SHARK WEEK, it gives me great pleasure to announce/plug 'Still Waters: The Lifeworks of Roy Scheider' a new book by Saurav Dutt ('Stand Alone - The Films Of Mickey Rourke')
Although fondly remembered as Chief Brody from JAWS, Scheider starred in such classic movies (The French Connection, The Marathon Man) plus (one of my favourites) '52 PICK UP'
Author Saurav Dutt looks at his life, and times of this much loved (and fondly missed) actor. But don't just take it from me folks, here's a shameless plug from it's author

"Dear Roy Scheider Fans,

I am the author of a new biography on Roy called 'Still Waters: The Lifeworks of Roy Scheider' I think you will all thoroughly enjoy this. Please see below the publicity blurb and purchase details. Thank you for reading.

'Throughout his many blockbuster roles and performances, Roy Scheider emerged as one of America's most likeable and prolific leading men, thanks to his talent for playing an urban everyman that audiences could relate to and root for, despite his flaws and failures. He rose to fame in the early 1970s in the Oscar-winning films "Klute" and "The French Connection" and became part of film history after his roles as Martin Brody in "Jaws" and its sequel, "Marathon Man", as well as "All That Jazz". Author Saurav Dutt details Scheider's life and career from his upbringing, community theatre work and through every film he made in his varied and diverse career'

Now Available on Lulu, release on Amazon and Barnes & Noble in May/June"

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/still-waters-the-lifeworks-of-ro y-scheider/15534621?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf /center/2

SHARK IN VENICE (2007) Stephen Baldwin

Rounding off my (slightly disappointing) SHARK WEEK, I regret not being able to locate my missing SHARK ATTACK 3 disc (to complete the trilogy) Rest assured, when I find it, I'll stick up a review. Here's the next best thing, in terms of cheesy NU IMAGE shark action...

Stephen Baldwin is a funny kind of guy. The one time Hollywood golden Boy/Hellraiser.....turned reformed God loving maestro of all things B-movie. Like him or loathe him, he's usually earns his wage, regardless of the material at hand. Judging by his performance in SHARK IN VENICE, I'm guessing he was paid about $26?

(Nah...too easy)

We open in Venice (filmed on a back lot in Bulgaria, actually) as two underwater divers search the waters for the lost 'Medici Treasure'. Their every move is being watched on a computer screen by Mafioso boss Vito Clemenza, shouting out the orders behind a bad pair of shades (and looking like a cross between a stunted 'Al Lettieri' and Cat Stevens, circa 1971) His over the top 'Shaduppayaface' accent is the icing on the cake. Before the two divers can unearth the treasure, they receive fatal invitations to a great White Sharks 'wordhole' (leaving out the back doors, as sharkshit) as a screaming Clemenza shouts more profanities at his other goons.

("It's great to here at the Copacabana, folks!")

Cut to the Oceanographic Institute, San Francisco, where we witness Dr David Franks (Stephen Baldwin) giving the most monosymbolic lecture ever to some ('Dangerous Minds' cast reject) students about the perils of diving in Shark infested waters (no shit Sherlock) David is called out of class by the 'Dean', who informs our portly hero (dressed more like an extra from Kid Creole And The Coconuts, than a lecturer) that his father has gone missing in Venice, but that remains of some divers have been found in nearby waters that require identification. David, together with girlfriend Laura, drop everything (including 'acting lessons') and head to the "City of Water" to check it out.

(A suitably intense and enthused Stephen Baldwin)

Once in Venice, our hero and heroine are met by Venetian Police Lt. Sofia Totti, a hardnosed straight-taking (improbably glamorous blonde) Cop, who takes them to the morgue to identify the remains. With all the pent-up aggression of a recent coma patient (the already bored looking) David announces that these are "Not Propeller accidents...but Shark Attacks" but regardless of his highly improbable findings, neither of the chewed up cadavers are his father anyhow. So David seeks permission from Police Captain Bonasera, to search the waters were the other two hapless corpses were found.

(Shoes fixed whilst you wait)

Returning to his fathers hotel room, David finds it ransacked, but remembering that his father liked to hide stuff outback, finds a suitcase chained to the outside window in a (presumably) waterproof suitcase. Inside said case, is a diary,with details pertaining to the Medici Knights (that resilts in a much more exciting clip than this movie) as we witness medevil knights slaughtering throughout the crusades (circa 1271 AD) before burying the loot under the city of Venice (and then killing those that buried it...not the cleverest idea, to be honest)

(After a while, Moses threw his old business-cards in the lake)

With all the get-up-and-go of a third world crack addict (and a similar vacant disposition) David boards a boat, and together with colleague Peitro, go for an afternoon dive through the floating city. At this point, all reality goes walkabout, as it transpires that despite wearing nothing more than standard breathing apparatus, both divers can communicate to each other (and also to Laura and Sofia on the boat above) One minute into the water and Peitro is soon sharkshit, leaving David to locate the Secret Treasure Of The Medici (which is so shrouded in mystery, it's signposted on a misspelled tablet of stone)

(Raiders Of The Lost Revenue)

Fleeing the shark, David comes to a underground tunnel, in which he finds a couple of 'Indiana Jones' style man-traps..leading up to the magnificent treasure. David makes a mental note of where the tunnel is (which, given his general lack of interest throughout, must have been some strain?) and heads back through the water...only to be met by the same hungry shark, who proceeds to bite our hefty heroes leg off.

(Heather Mills gave it everything she got)

I know what you're thinking (other than my blog is shit)....you're thinking 'How can the hero have his leg bitten off? Trust me, it would probably be a blessing if the movie ended here (34 minutes in) But I at least expected long scenes of David being fitted with a prosthetic leg, and spending years in recovery from such a fatal injury....But no sir-fucking-ree......David wakes in a hospital without any wounds whatsoever, and the leg chomping incident is never brought up again (WTF?)

(Old Mother Goose...I fucker her!)

David is questioned in hospital by Captain Bonasera, and promises to leave Venice the next day, and not to meddle in the waters anymore. Checking out of the hospital, both David and Laura are approached by Rossi, a henchman for Clemenza, who invites them to have dinner with his boss (and given that our hero is unlikely to have ever met a meal he didn't like) David accepts. Clemenza offers David $20 million to retrieve the treasure for hm, but (with the free meal inside his ample guts) our hero declines the offer, leaving a pissed of Mafia boss.

(Diarrhoea-blowbacks are never a pretty site)

Meanwhile (probably due to the film-makers cocaine comedown) we are treat to a completely unrelated scene of a nearby couple standing near the waters, The guy is chomped upon by the fakest looking CGI effect, I've ever had the misfortune to witness. And you'd better lap it up, as most of the other shark attacks are either briefly glimpsed substandard National Geographic out-takes, or scenes from other NU IMAGE sharkfests.

(Cry me a river...you little biatch!)

Oddly forgetting his missing (possibly dead) father, the treasure, and his (non-existent) leg amputation, David spends his last day in Venice with Laura looking round the shops and markets, like tourists. No sooner has David wasted (I'm guessing) €2 on a bright orange scarf for his intended, than a bunch of bad guys kick the shit out of him, and kidnap Laura. David only takes a punch and a kick, but it's more than enough to leave our 'Luxurious lecturer' crying like a baby, although visibly conscious, whilst the love of his life is dragged off in front of his weeping eyes.

(David approximately 38 seconds after his girlfriends abduction)

An alarmingly Stoic David is questioned at the police station by Lt. Sofia, and is given a police escort to his hotel. Strangely enough, the unfazed David falls asleep (despite his girlfriend being abducted) and is paid a visit from two Abseiling/Rappelling hit men from another building (NOTE: same footage that TODAY YOU DIE 'borrowed' from THE ORDER) David attempts to fight off his attackers but (and as usual) gets his ass kicked, so is just content to flee, pulling a variety of oddball faces (as if Norman Wisdom remade The Marathon Man) whilst running like fuck, away from the action.

(Intense)

The following chase is the highlight of the movie (just like the chase in SHOTGUN) because of the cack-addled manner in which it's shot and choreographed. First off, Baldwin has (in most cases) a 'running-double', and secondly because we get a shot of Baldwin hiding in the shadows, that's later looped and re-used about 4 or 5 times more, throughout the movie. Baldwin flees more motorcycles and hit men in this movie, than actual sharks. Culminating in a half tasty punch up in a work shop, with our rotund hero actually winning a fucking fight, and threatening a goon with a buzzsaw for information on Laura's whereabouts.

(What you mean, Pauly Shore stole 'BIO-DOME'?)

A tipped off David finds a boat, sees Lauras orange scarf (despite the fact, she clearly dropped it before being abducted in the market square) and is promptly knocked the fuck out (and just as he'd actually won the previous fucking fight?) and sent to Clemenzas underwater liar. Our hirsute mafia boss explains that he's planted the sharks in these waters to stop people searching for the treasure, thus safeguarding it for himself. He also threatens to kill Laura, unless our heavy hero retrieves the treasure (should have took the $2m in the first place, dickhead!) And it transpires that Police Lt. Sofia Totti is in cahoots with the bad guys (fucking bitch!)

(Meat the wife)

So, together with henchmen Rossi and Carter, David once again returns to the site of the treasure (Carter 0 Shark 1) Finding the treasure, Rossi has his orders to kill our Obese oceanographer...butduring a punch up is accidentally killed by one of the many man-traps in the underground cave (a rusty gatehouse through the windpipe) David swims back to Clemenzas hide out, the blonde Police Lieutenant turns out to be pulling a double DOUBLE bluff on the Mafia boss, and actually is a honest cop, and a Venietian swat team join the party for a spot of 'John Woo' style heroic bloodshed (During which both Clemenza and David tussle in the water)

(The lucky ones left the set early)

After much shooting, and fisticuffs, Clemenza is eaten by his own creature (in a briefly glimpsed montage of shark footage) David is reunited with Laura, Lt, Sophia is commended for bravery and Captain Bonasera looks 'nice' in a bullet-proof vest. Despite remaining tight lipped about the treasure to the police, David smugly places a centuries old valuable necklace round Lauras neck (about 6 feet away from the police investigation) before our hero proposes to a shit-grinning heroine, who glibly remarks "Let's not have the honeymoon in Venice" (Ha-Fucking-Ha indeed!)



SHARK IN VENICE (sadly) sees NU IMAGE suffer the same problems they had with SHARK ATTACK (1999) by marketing a 'Shark' movie, with little shark action.....In realitym the movie is just some Romanian Crime flick with the occasional dorsal fin. However, it's all the better for having Stephen Baldwin as the lead (as opposed to the dire Casper Van Dien) Baldwin looks seriously stoned throughout the course of the movie, delivering his lines with a laughable stoicism. His (slight) weight problem, coupled with some skintight (badly fitting) sweaters doesn't help matters (it's probably not a great idea for the male hero to have bigger tits than the heroine?) And his delivery of insipid dialogue, coupled with his chipmunk features on a face that always looks like it's about to sneeze, make his performance funnier than it has any right to be. But hey, at least he's a Man Of God (cause I'm sick to fucking death of atheists) The films many faults aside, SHARK IN VENICE is a 'bad-movie' fans dream (albeit, not enough shark action, and too much borrowed footage)

(Watershit Down)

Whilst better than SHARK ATTACK, and a must for bad movie fans, the movie could/should have more shark action (and relevency) I find it hard to believe that NU IMAGE were still making stuff like this in 2007, and even more baffled that WARNER BROS released this movie on DVD in the UK?




MEMORABLE QUOTES:



Lt. Sofia Totti: "It's impossible...this is not happening"

Vito Clemenza: "You're going to be in Heaven in a moment, but first I'm going to put you through Hell!"

(Does my Bum/Tum/Chin/Girth/Tits/etc, look big in this?)

SHARKTOPUS (2010) Eric Roberts

The title alone, should keep the 'sophisticates' away, and until someone has the guts to adapt my script for (the 'thankfuly unfilmable') SHARKS IN SPACE, then SHARKTOPUS must surely rank as one of the fruitiest titles ever conceived. All the worse, for starring Eric Roberts (yep, the Oscar-nominated TALENTED member of the 'Roberts clan') Will 'Paulie' from THE POPE OF GREENWICH VILLAGE treat this movie with the contempt it (surely) deserves? Well, as luck would have it (the ever professional) Roberts steals the show, and plays it straight (and saves it from becoming the lame 'mugfest' it should have been)

Pic opens to mucho 'Baywatch' wannabes in Mexico (?) maxed, relaxed, chilling and willing on the beach. Atypical blonde bimbo goes for a swim, and is almost attacked by a huge GWS (and her friend with the worlds quietest scream, doesn't help matter either) But just before our toothy fiend can chomp on her implants, a huge set of tentacles rises from the sea, picking up the shark and killing it. About this point, you're expecting another MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS (aren't we all?) but these tentacles don't belong to a mere Octopus....but a genetically altered (government weapon) known as a SHARKTOPUS

(Oh Dear!)

Viewers that haven't already fainted at this prospect, are then treat to the crumbiest-looking military HQ ever (consisting of two laptops on a few glass tables, and a patently phony looking large screen) We discover that Sharktopus (known as S11) is the brainchild of 'Shady' government researcher Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts) who is suitably attired for such top secret shenanigans, in stonewashed jeans, and revolting light-blue shirt (which incidentally, he never changes throughout the course of the movie)

(Eric Roberts and his never-changing shirt)

Sands has his daughter Nicole, work alongside him to test the military capabilities of Sharktopus (replete with 'Uni-Sol' style computerised headgear) and attempt to show (top-brass) Commander Cox how they can program S11 to take out any targets they see fit. Cox, in celebration of such a technological breakthrough, can only glibly remark (quote) "Sands....you crafty S.O.B" as a half-assed congratulation. Sands gives a demonstration, by sending Sharktopus after a local speed boating drug courier, but the creature clashes with the hub of the boat, knocking away it's headpiece, rendering it uncontrollable by Sands, and more importantly...hungry!

We cut to two workers on a lunchbreak at the side of a huge cruise liner. These two 'regular Joes' crack witisms about the subject of suicide. Whilst one is examining the contents of his lunchbox, a huge tentacle grabs the other into the water, and chomps ahoy. The other 'Joe' barely has enough time to mutter "Oh no, not like this" before suffering a similar fate (and yet seems more bothered about dying at the tentacles of a Shark/Octopus hybrid...rather than it's very existence)

(Don't ask!)

Meanwhile Commander Cox is tearing Sands a new asshole over his monumental fuck-up, and demands the Shartopus be captured not killed (regardless of cost) threatening to "Cut off all other funding" before a timely warning of "Fail and that's not ALL I'll cut off" Sands sends his minion Santos (dig that accent) to track down Andy Flynn (legendary badass, and ex colleague of sands) previously sacked for being a "Greedy Bastard"

(Believe it or not...this is the hero)

You'd think with this much 'history' (not to mention, bad blood) with Sands...that Flynn be played by someone a little more mature, than the 20 year old 'Sacha Mitchell' wannabe, that we get? Santos finds Flynn (rather easily) chilling at a poolside with two babes, and both men go through the usual "We need you" and "I'm out of the game" bullshit...untill both develop of case of 'serious-face' when it's announced that S11 has escaped (gasp!)

(Corman secured the finance for the sequel)

We are then introduced to the most improbable 'metal-detector-enthusiast' (replete with silicone breasts and Bikini) searching on a beach. Unbeknown to her, an older gentleman (i.e, a pervert) is watching her bend over to dig up the sands in search of treasure (Note, this geriatric pie-hawker is played by none other than Executive Producer Roger Corman) Finding an ancient gold coin, the bimbette treasure hunter celebrations are cut short, when Sharktopus' tentacles pull her screaming into the water. Corman just stands by and watches (despite her pleas for help) and shrugs his shoulders at such an event, before making of with the coin for himself.....Weirdsville!

Flynn is reunited with Sands (replete with the expected 'love-hate' bullshit putdowns between each other) Seems that the proclaimed "Greedy Bastard" Flynn, has always been a bit of a government-whore, putting dollars before sense, and after agreeing a fee of $300,000 to bring Sharktopus back (alive) he sets sail, bringing along Nicole and Santos.

(Bone-Drunks-N-Whore-Many)

Enter brattish (yet spunky) news reporter, Stacy Everheart and her long-suffering cameraman Bones, arriving at Mexico, looking for a career-breaking news-story and hiring the services of crusty(ish) old seadog PEZ (Blake Lindsay) who has witnessed sightings of Sharktopus, to assist them.

(Ship-shapely assistant Stephie)

With all the major characters introduced we are left with brief scenes of (soon-to-be) victims, in the shape of a bickering yuppie couple, getting a nasty surprise visit from Sharktopus whilst bungee-jumping....and Pirate-Radio host Captain Jack and his shapely assistant, Stephie (who both scoff at reports of Sharktopus' sightings)

('Fish Fingers and Ships')

Sands spends the mid-section of the movie sat on his luxury yacht demanding 'More Scotch', whilst Nicole and Flynn argue about her fathers motives behind the S11. Everheart is dropped by her network bosses, and therefore vows to capture footage of the Sharktopus' to save her career. So now, we the (desperate) viewer are left with a multitude of complex characters, each one determined to fulfil their goals

(Pathetic)

Flynn has his plans of using tranquilizing darts (and not to mention two un-named assistants) chewed up and shat out by S11 (who also causes our hero one of the worst cases of leg wound FX ever) whilst (a seemingly unbothered) Santos applies bandages with all the medical care of 'Fred West' to the gaping gash.

Flynn, Santos and Nicole come to the rescue of Everheart but sadly not in time to save Pez (although he lives on in our hearts, that's for sure) Flynn now realising that he's been a 'yes-man' for too long, decides that bringing back Sharktopus alive is no longer an option. And sensing a news-scoop, a grateful Everheart and Bones tag along with our bunch of motley heroes to film the creatures destruction.

More people are killed at the beaches (a trio of jet skiers and a yuppie couple on a yacht) Sadly, movie fans....Captain Jack also buys the farm (although thankfully not shapely assistant, Stephie) During these tense moments Flynn finds the time to apply his 'ladies-man' shit on Nicole (who's steely reserve is slowly melting to the studly charms of our leading man)

(Poor Santos)

Things get uber-personal, when poor Santos (and his non-acting and terrible accent) are eaten by Sharkopus (I guess Flynn and Nicole have to make their own cocktails now?) And even Flynn takes time from beaver-hunting and wisecracking to swear revenge on the tentacled terror. Although bullets (and shouting "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!") won't deter Sharktopus in the slightest. We're suddenly in split-screen-city, culminating in Flynn telling Sands to stick his money up his hairy arsehole!

(Worse than pathetic)

The Sharktopus (clearly sick of all the underwater munching) takes to the land and starts killing the shit out of many a Mexican land-lubber and tourist in a series of poor CGI'ed MDK's. Flynn arrives to shoot the shit out of the creature, but is halted by Sands, now clearly insane (not to mention drunk) enough to even sacrifice his own daughter to retrieve the 'Dorsel-Finned-Death-Machine' But in a sudden eleventh-hour conversion, Sands soon proves to be softie, and 'buys the farm' protecting Nicole from S11...but not before whispering some secret (rather last minute) hints on how to defeat the beast to his daughter

(Alas poor Eric, I knew him well)

Clearly not too unaffected by her fathers demise (and the only REAL actor gone from the movie) Nicole explains to Flynn that they can tag S11 with an interface dart, and that she can blow it up from the safety of her laptop (WTF?) During such shenanigans, Everheart dies for her 'art' at the jaws of Sharktopus, but not before Flynn tags it...and Nicole saves the day by blowing the fucker to kingdom come. Leaving happy 'shit-eating' grins allround for the surviving cast.

(Ka-Fucking-Boom!)

SHARKTOPUS does exactly what it says on the box. It delivers low-brow thrills, lousy CGI and instils a genuine fear for the mental health of Eric Roberts. It zips along at a steady pace, leaving no clichés left unturned in it's quest to produce a movie almost as campy as it's title. The creature roars, but at least no 'National Geographic Shark Footage' was harmed during the making of this movie. It's probably a lot more fluid than MEGASHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS and contains a few trademark 'Corman' quirks (looking forward to his upcoming PIRANHACONDA later this year) and whilst not reaching the giddy-lows of SHARK ATTACK 3, is miles ahead of dross like MEGASHARK IN MALIBU (which even I refused to review!!!!) Fans of cheery SYFY 'originals' will not be disappointed by this sporadically amusing hybrid horror.



Memorable Quotes:


Santos: "He'sagreedybastardnodoubtbutheknow'sthewatersbetterthananyone"

Andy Flynn: "Excuse me everyone...There's a killer shark octopus hybrid heading this way...so please leave the marina in a kindly fashion?"

SHARK ATTACK 2 (2000)

I'm not sure who's the bravest...an audience wanting a sequel to SHARK ATTACK (1999) or a director assuming they had any right to make one. Both NU IMAGE and director David Worth had to deliver the goods this time (not too hard a task, given the mundane, almost pedestrian potboiler that the predecessor was)

Picture opens in Cape Town, South Africa, were sisters Samantha and Amy are indulging in a spot of underwater diving around a sunken vessel. Amy is attacked by a huge Great White Shark (or GWS, to save time) but not before Samantha manages to gouge out it's eye with her knife, before swimming to safety, and looking to even the score with towards our rubbery looking villain.

'One Week Later' (as the caption informs us) we cut to the soon-to-open 'Waterworld' fun park (JAWS III anyone?) and shifty (be-wigged) owner MichaelFrancisco arrives to snarl at his workforce (including weasel-like dogsbody Walker) and read the riot-act to marine expert Nick Harris (the permanently-shit-grinning hero of the movie)

Two kids spot a great white shark in the nearby inlet, who promptly eats their motorised boat. News of a GWS in these waters attracts the attention of the greedy Francisco, who then hires Nick to capture it alive and exhibit it as a "Star Attraction" for the opening of waterworld. Nick is reluctant, but threatened with his job if he doesn't come up with the goods.

Nick hires the services of two (inept fucker-upperer) brothers named Tom and Marcus Miller (and their not so mighty vessel 'The Wet Dream') to locate and drug the shark and bring it back to the underwater resort. Tom shits bricks upon seeing the shark they've captured, prompting Marcus to quip "I could use a beer, and Tom could use a change of underwear"

(Fins aint what they used to be)

News of the star attraction reaches a still traumatised Samantha (who recognises the one eyed monster as the beast that ate her sister) forcing her to don a 'ninja' outfit, break into Waterworld and attempt to shotgun blast the GWS's head open...before being thwarted by Nick. Despite the initial tension between the two, it's only a matter of time before both of them are 'bumping uglies'

The big opening day arrives and (dodgy looking) Mayor Shandu (Mercenary For Justice) is 'blah-blah'blah-ing' the press, as an anxious Francisco goes against Nicks orders and has the shark fed, as spectators are watching it through a glass window. Old 'One-Eye' goes apeshit, pulling on not only the food, but dragging in some luckless fucker into the tank, then literally tears him a new one, in front of the horrified gaze of a dozen or so kids.

One-Eye makes it out of the gates, but not before Nick attaches a tracking device. Francisco (bastard he is) blames Nick, and fires him. Forcing our erstwhile hero to hit the bottle (for a whole ten minutes) whilst subjected to the inane platitudes of salty sea dog (cum barman) TJ. Nick locates Samantha and explains that he's going to find the shark with his tracking device. And much chauvinistic "I'll go alone" remarks from Nick are matched with liberated "I can look after myself" retorts from a stroppy Samantha.

(The estimable TJ and his crowded bar)

Heading to meet the Miller brothers, Nick notices brash Australian celebrity hunter Roy Bishop (replete with ropey "G'day" accent and combat shorts, he sounds more like a cockney) and the two engage in a brief round of one-upmanship, before parting ways (the character of 'Roy Bishop' is clearly the Simon McCorkindale of the movie)

(Mockodile Dundee)

Arriving at the 'HMS Wet Dream' nick is stunned to see Samantha has already hired the boat, forcing Nick to reach a truce with the spunky blonde. But not before we discover (bizarrely) that Tom Miller has a penchant for downloading Internet porn? Little facts like this 'pearl' make all the difference, as far as I'm concerned.

Francisco arrives (out of nowhere) and reintroduces Nick to Roy (who's been hired by Waterworld, to find the missing shark) and the pair exchange more "fuck you-isms" (and Nick making Village People comparisons to Francisco and his new workforce) Nick, Samantha and the Miller Boys head off, and it's not long before the tracking device picks up signals from old one eye.

(I'm all out of 'FIN' gags...sorry folks!)

The shark attacks the boat, and a courageous Samantha gets to go ape-shit with her trusty shotgun, but to no avail. When 'One-Eye' (literally) rocks the boat, samantha falls overboard, but is rescued by Nick. Life-saving-Trimmage-repayment may only be a saxophone note away, but the shark is still out there. Making matters worse the 'Wet Dream' breaks down, and is subsequently rescued by Roy in his much bigger, flashier, expensive ship/cruise-liner.

(The new TAMPAX ads recieved one or two complaints)

Samantha is still having nightmares that the shark is still out there (replete with 'Discovery Channel' footage) but her fears are shortly forgotten the next day, when Aussie Roy proudly holds a press-conference at his capture of a shark (despite the fact, it's nowhere as big as One Eye) Francisco assures the public that the beaches are safe, but Nick is skeptical the Steve Irwin wannabe has caught the right fish.

(Be careful Nick, that Squirrel is looking for nuts)

The miller Boys boat is still under repair, so Nick uses the day, to take Samantha on a day out (accompanied to a truly turgid soul song) as they indulge in such romantic activities, like feeding squirrels, or standing alongside active cannons (prompting Samantha to exhibit the goofiest laugh ever committed to celluloid)

(You can see where AVATAR got it's ideas from)

Cue nighttime, and Nick sends in a 'borrowed' Hydrovision sub-cam to follow the shark signal in a nearby cave. However his monitor shows that there's at least six of the Great White fuckers. Whats worse is, these sharks are related to the experimental species from SHARK ATTACK I (although they incorrectly quote the previous scientist as Dr Craven....can't remember him?) and that they're growing at an accelerated level.

('TAKE THAT' were excited to be playing Mystery Gigs)

Taking this information to both Francisco and Mayor Shandu, Nick is non-plussed to discover that they chooser Roy to lead the search for the sharks. But (a few shark nets aside) the beaches remain open, and the 'Surfing Contest' is given the go-ahead as planned. Nick and Samantha patrol the beeches, whilst hotshot Roy goes searching for the shark cave.



Lowering two steel cages into the water, Roy and a (clearly expendable) assistant underestimate the power of these Sea-beasts, and aforementioned assistant to chomped upon, whilst Roy narrowly escapes.

(Words fail me)

Back at the beach, everyone is having fun...until that is Nicks tracking device goes apeshit (culminating in the now famous JAWS 'zoom in/pan out' shot) and all hell breaks loose. Several surfers are chowed down by packs of hungry sharks. Samantha stands mortified whispering sweet "Oh My God's" at the resulting carnage, whilst Nick 'borrows' a jet-ski' and attempts to save Marcus, but is too late as three (patently fake looking) sharks rip him apart.

(Turds fail me)

Pissed to the hilt,Nick tears Francisco and Shandu a new arsehole and swears revenge against the sharks. At this point (the usually topless) Roy is humbled by his near death experience (by wearing a buttoned up shirt) and makes friends with Nick (who incidentally, wears an unbuttoned shirt...talk about 'power shift) and together with Samantha, they put their differences aside and join forces.



Rigging up a similar (yet more powerful) sonar reactor, Nick trades in his 'Lifesaving-Nookie' card with Samantha (cue the Kenny G solo) and the next morning they head out in Roy's boat, replete with mini-sub, that's (quote) "Bought from Jacques Cousteau", 20 pound of underwater explosives, and a waterproof GLOCK 9. In a heartfelt melding of emotions and expert planning, Roy proudly proclaims "Let's go blow some shit up!"

(Nick pops a cap in it's sorry Great White ass)

The plan is simple, use the sonic waves to attract the sharks, then attach the explosives to the mini sub, and let the sharks follow it to the cave. Unfortunately, the sharks damage the mini sub (with the detonation counting down) so Roy must play martyr and self guide it in. Nick puts the GLOCK 9 to good use and blows it's fucking brains out. Sadly though, the other sharks set upon the Aussie huntsman, and all Nick and Samantha can do is flee the scene and wait for the explosion.



One Ka-boom! later, guess who floats to the surface, clutching a gnarled arm and a dodgy accent...none other than Roy Fucking Bishop. Shit-eating grins all round, titles roll, movie ends. Congratulations viewer...you are 90 minutes older!



SHARK ATTACK II (however derivative of the JAWS franchise) is a breath of fresh air, after it's lack-luster predecessor. Sure the 'pop-up' sharks look like enamel novelty rubbish bins, plus they roar louder than a dinosaur. I'm not sure how people talk and communicate with each other underwater, either. And to top it off, the performances are strictly SUNSET BEACH calibre...but at least it puts the sharks (and more importantly, their attacks) forefront of the picture. Whilst not as 'out-there' and fiendishly bad as the subsequent SHARK ATTACK III, it's still a great night in, to be enjoyed with like minded drinking buddies, laughing away, whilst spotting the many references to 1975 Spielberg classic. Highly Recommended!