KILLER BITCH (2010) Yvette Rowland

Every once and a while, a movie can come along, that re-writes the genre, ups the ante and puts a whole new spin on proceedings....KILLER BITCH is not that movie. However, it's one of the most jaw-dropping (unintentional) comedies, I've ever seen. It features a cast of both 'has-beens' and 'never-wheres', topless sluts, bad acting, non-existent FX, bad dialogue, grotty locations, the word "CAHNT!" every other sentence and is wrapped up in uninspired direction and photography. Yet somehow it works (it carries on the same tradition as Lindsay Shonteff or Cliff Twemlow movies) and has a raw energy, that Guy Ritchie (beyond his millions) would love to possess.

The (rather) pointless plot opens up with legendary UK 'swordsman' Ben Dover (yes, THAT one) giving it large, to some blonde bimbo...who then promptly stabs the shit out of the ageing Lothario. This scene is intercut with other random (and equally badly filmed) death scenes

After this 'murder-montage' (Godfather Part II, it aint) we are introduced to the heroine of the movie, Yvette (Yvette Rowland) a slightly ditsy, Kate Bush (almost) alike (hey, i guess Eileen Daly and Emily Booth were busy?) She wakes up in a warehouse (one of the many glitzy locations in this 'every-expense-spared' production) and is instantly attacked by a Geordie hitman (who, quite frankly is useless, and shouts "I'm gonna kill ya, yer fookin bitch!" quite a lot)

Just as it seems Yvette's number is up, she is saved by a mysterious cockney hitman Jason (played by hooligan/market stall trader/extraordinaire Jason Marriner...who steals the show, with his wholesale slaughter of buxom strippers and uttering variations on the word "CAHNT!") His dialogue is priceless. And I'd be a fool not to share it with you (the distinguished moviegoer)

(The many faces of Jason Marriner...all of them cockney)

Jason takes Yvette to a large house, and it's there she meets the overlord, behind all the carnage, Cass (played by former hooligan/writer/extraordinaire Cass Pennant) He explains to her that all her workmates, friends and family will be executed, unless she kills five people on a list he hands to her. What she doesn't know, is that others are playing the game (and many of the names are cross referenced) meaning that soon the assassins will have to kill off the other assassins. Yvette, mortified, has no choice. It transpires that Yvette's husband has been killed earlier on by a masked assassin (subplot #1) Yvette is given the list, and sent on her way....

During her search for victim #1, we are introduced to other people forced into the game. Most notably Robin (played with gusto, by one-time boxer/Sunday Sport salesman Robin Reid) Reid takes this movie very seriously throughout, and despite his (rather fey) 'Scouse' accent, he pulls off all manner of Bruce Lee/Sonny Chiba mannerisms to match his extreme over-acting throughout this sordid movie. It transpires that Robins wife was gang raped and murdered, as part of the game, and the (self proclaimed "Number one killing machine") wastes little time in killing the shit out of those responsible) including a ludicrous scene in a gym, where he just casually pulls out a gun, and gets all 'Tony Montana' on a guy, presumably his trainer just a minute earlier.

(Two Reids for the price of none......Robin and Alex............poet warriors)

We are also introduced to a fighter named Alex (played by Alex Reid...aka: Mr Katie Price/The Reidinator/worst actor in the world) Oh, and not forgetting Jason, who turns up on the doorstep of some stripper every five minutes or so, with such heartfelt laments as the one (illustrated) below:


Yvette finds the address of the first 'name' on the list, and it's none other than cockney-gangster-extraordinaire Dave Courtney, who's aided and abetted by fighting legend Roy (Pretty Boy) Shaw. Despite his advancing years, Shaw is one man not to be messed with, and within 30 seconds of his debut, he's punching/beating the shit out of some guy that 'brushed past him' (quite a serious crime, 'Dahn Sarf') Courtney is accompanied upstairs by a black lady, who urges him to (quote) "Put one in me" (very erotic, i must say)

Yvette, pulls a gun on Courtney (just as he's about to shoot his load...boom, boom!) but he takes the gun off the fledgling assassin, and gives chase. And what a chase scene it is.
If you want to see Dave Courtneys penis flop about, as he chases a woman through his (Tudor-style) house, wearing nothing but a shirt...then please buy this movie. Because i won't be putting up any stills of it (partly because Courtney may pay me a visit, and stamp on my neck, and partly because it's not a nice sight) But he's got bottle, i'll give him that!

Yvette is captured, and given to two strange associates of Courtney, who, instead of raping and murdering her (as promised) drop her off at a beach, and leave her there to wander about. It is here, she is joined up with Alex (who flits in and out of this movie, like most of the characters) and the stoic fighter, tries to help her get the drop on her next target, a meathead bare knuckle fighter, who constantly shouts "Who's the facking guvnor?...I'm the facking guvnor!!" to a packed audience (roughly 4 or 5) Alex has a plan (quote) "Get into the ring, beat the fuck out of him...and let Yvette finish him off" This doesn't quite go to plan, as Reid (actually not a bad real life fighter) exhibits a fighting style, that Steven Hawkins would piss his bag, laughing at....
However, Yvette shoots her target, during one of his "Who's the guvnor?" style rants, and the two assassins flee the scene.

We (the brave viewer) are treat to more Jason Marriner style romanticism, as he pays a model to 'shine his silverwear' before blowing her brains out...and THEN having an orgasm, whilst still inside whats left of the poor girls head. You just don't get scenes like this in Halle Berry movies, i can tell you...

(KILLER BITCH doesn't stint on the tits)

And just in case, you thought the 'pace' was slipping, we're then treat to a cameo by none other than Michael Carroll (infamous UK lottery winning lout) who proves that:
A) The diet pills aren't working.
B) None of his winnings weren't squandered on 'acting lessons.

Robin Reid takes (easy) care of Carroll (thankfully sparing us any more non-acting) and then we're also introduced to an 'Oirish tough nut 'Big Joe' (played by Joe Egan) who basically Utters "Well, there's no point in you then" to the dozen or so people he casually murders. We also get a topless Dwarf (who is then tossed off a roof, for further titillation)

Robin shoots the shit out of some guys in a warehouse (but not before he's beaten the fuck out of a foul-mouthed guy in an ice cream van) But the scouse warrior is soon caught, and handed over to some Chinese gang (who intend to torture him with a fish?) Robin kills them all, and goes off in search of Yvette.

Yvette then wanders into a bar, and is chatting to none other than Howard Marks (legendary Welsh drug smuggler...and older looking, shagged out Rhys Ifans look-a-like) who spouts off (what seems to be the only genuinely scripted line of dialogue) to a recently drugged Yvette the following advice/gibberish:

"You've just drank a glass of reindeer piss.
...and those reindeer eat deadly magic mushrooms.
If you ate them, you'd die.
So don't eat those Deadly magic mushrooms
Instead, lie under the reindeer
Look up to his genitals
And say lovingly....Rain-Dear!
And try to catch some of the reindeer's piss in your mouth
That way, you won't die...you'll just get high"

Meanwhile, Mr Marriner is making all the ladies swoon, by telling a buxom beauty "Listen Babe, I gotta tell yer, I'm a reasonable man....But there's two sides to me, and one of my sides is off my facking head, i gotta tell yer that now....But as you got a great pair of tits, I'm gonna give you one chance, and facking one chance only...alright, who won the FA cup replay in 1970?"

The blonde (probably not known for her football expertise) answers "Leeds?"

To which Marriner (already the worthy successor to Richard Gere) replies "You silly Cahnt!" before blowing her head off, and then remarking "Facking Leeds, the silly cahnt, she's taking the piss out of me, aint she?"

(Karlos Vemola's auditions for 'PriceDrop TV')

Yvette is kidnapped by some polish cage fighter, after her assassination attempt on him fails, he sells her to some guys in a boxing gym (after kicking the shit out them first, to 'up' the asking price) Alex (on the scene, and out of the middle of nowhere) fights the Pole...and true to form, gets his ass kicked (again) only to be saved by Yvette.

Just when you think, Mr Marriner can't top his already legendary 'heart-throb status, he then threatens a (admittedly gobby) girl in a wheelchair. If this actress looks familiar, it's because she played 'Nessa' in the legendary BBC flop soap ELDORADO (one of my favourites BTW) Jason bombards her with the following tender sentiments, such as "You facking grass, i bet you get the best seat in the house when you go to the football?" and heartfelt outpourings of affection like "Of course you're just sitting there, you aint gonna run a marathon, you Cahnt, aren't yer?"


During all this mayhem, Yvette is dragged into a (spacious) bush by Alex, and soon gives into his animalistic urges. And 'Animalistic' is the key word, because Mr Katie Price, assumes that the best way to exhibit eroticism is by grunting like a pirate and shouting "YEAH" and "FACKING YEAH" throughout this sexless rape/love scene. The Daily Mail eat shit like this up and have already tried to stir up a media frenzy over this movie with the headline of ALEX REID IN MOVIE THAT ADVOCATES RAPE headlines. Trust me, Miss Rowland seems more embarrassed than horrified, during this sordid sequence. But fuck yeah, the grunting is damn funny, all the same.

(Alex Reid and Yvette Rowland in the worst sex scene ever filmed)

Afterwards, Yvette leaves Alex, and bumps into Robin, who tells her that Alex was the masked assassin who killed her husband. Feeling used and Angry, she joins Robin and sets out to trap Jason (don't know what happens to Alex at this point...I guess he's still asleep in a bush somehere?) Yvette lures Jason to (what looks like) a laundry room, and in dominatrix gear, she castrates Mr Marriner (which probably left a lot of sad women around Britain, i can tell you) Marriner lets out a few (customary) "You Facking Cahnt" screams...before (presumably) dying in a pool of his own blood, alngside his fake-looking apendage.

(Where's ya tool?)

Of course though, you can't keep a good Football hooligan/market trader/assassin/incurable romantic down. And before you can say "CAHNT!!" Marriner awakens from his castration, just as a young nubile news reporter is covering his story. He attacks her from behind, but god knows what he's going to do with her, as his 'Fuck-stick' has been cut off. Oh well.....

Yvette tries to help Robin, but the guy kills himself in her arms, because he was the last name on her list (how noble) and with all her kills completed, Yvette storms to Cass' mansion, with the sole intention of killing him. Cass reminds her, that before the games she was going nowhere in life, and that the killing makes her feel alive. Yvette actually realises that this is indeed, true, and lets out a real shit-eating grin, as Cass suggests that she plays another game for their mutual pleasure.

KILLER BITCH is essential viewing for fans of exploitation. As mentioned it has elements of G.B.H (1983) and vintage 'Shonteff'. The sexism and misogyny are ripe, and chances are the cast (of real life thugs/hard men) may put off more 'righteous' viewers. But the movie has a great pace, and can more hold it's own alongside work by Darren Ward and Alex Chandon. Watch it with likeminded mates, add alcohol, and the drink will be pouring out your nose, at such a foul-mouthed wallow in old time (non-pc) violence/rape/murder. And i'm sure that whatever reactionary rubbish the DAILY MAIL write, won't hopefuly deter director Liam Galvin from serving up more of the same in the near future?

MISSION OF JUSTICE (1992) Jeff Wincott

Oh the 90's......
How I'd flock to the video shops (still) and rent out the latest wannabe SEAGAL stuff. Now to be fair, Jeff Wincott was one of my favourites, because he didn't just want to imitate Seagal (unlike say...Thomas Ian Griffith?) but tried to put a unique spin his biff/shoot em' ups (and played a diverse range of characters, from lawyers to doctors) in his (too short) acting career. But MISSION OF JUSTICE sees Wincott in full-tilt kick ass cop mode, in this hugely enjoyable (slightly campy) action fest.

Wincott plays Kurt Harris, a tough cop (partnered up with martial arts babe Karen Sheperd) as Lynne. Right from the get-go, we see Harris throw a wife-beater through a window, and then look on in shock belief, as the beat up housewife has second thoughts on prosecuting her violent husband. But hey...these be mean streets, so mean, that before they can get the wife beater to the police station, Harris notices three punk-types 'Robbing-a-convenience-store' (tm)

After some sub-Hard To Kill type shenanigans, Kurt and his partner get the drop on all but one of the punks. Kurt gives chase, only to find that he's been detained (i.e, kicked the shit out of) by a young chap named Jimmy, part of some 'Guardian Angel' types called THE MISSION (sub-plot #1). Kurt thanks this good Samaritan (yet seems a little uneasy about citizens taking the law into their own hands)

Back at the police station, Kurt finds out that the charges have been dropped on the wife beater, and rushes back to find the spouse (literally) beating the shit out of his good lady wife (NOTE: Whilst i don't find 'Spousal-Battery' of any gender funny....this scene is hilarious, as the husband punches her about 30 times...like some 'Streets Of Rage' super-move on the Sega Megadrive) and Kurt punches the abusive husband about 60 times in retaliation. Sexual politics aside, it's a damn funny sequence.


Disillusioned with police procedures (and all that other bullshit) Kurt shouts at his captain (surely 'role reversal' in movies like this?) and promptly quits the force. Whilst sat in his downbeat apartment (no huge warehouses with neon lights for this renegade cop!) he notices a tv commercial, featuring those pesky 'Street-Police' THE MISSION, and it's leader (the badly miscast, but always fun) Brigitte Nielson, as Rachael Larkin...who is also running for 'Mayor' (subplot #2)


And this subplot, leads Larkin to attempt to drum up support for her campaign. Ex-heavyweight boxing champ, Cedric Williams (who has had previous dealings with her) wants noting to do with her campaign, and threatens to sue her P.R team, for using an image of himself and Larkin in an election poster. What Larkin doesn't know, is that Cedric and Harris are good friends.



Larkin (replete with TITUS...played by DTV legend Mathias Hues) pay Cedric a visit one night as he's closing his gym. Unbeknownst to them, Young Jimmy is watching on, helpless as Larkin threatens Cedric, and then suggests a bout between Titus and the Ex-champ. Cedric gets a few punches in, but the giant henchman, uses kung fu moves on the pugilist, and breaks his fingers, before:
A) Kicking the shit out of him.
B) Larkin slits his throat with her 'Trademark double knife move'.

(Tony Burton counts the number of Rocky Movies he'd appeared in)

Young Jimmy (who's grandmother is a loyal supporter of Larkin, monetary and otherwise) flees the scene, telling no-one of what he's witnessed. Kurt, on the other hand, wants answers (and doesn't let the fact that he's no longer a cop...stop him from busting heads to find out.)
Putting vague clues together, he links THE MISSION to the events, and signs up to join them. He must not only complete endless application forms, but also allow himself to be filmed, whilst confessing to secrets, with monitors and pads stuck to his body (Scientology, anyone?) After a few 'not-quite-ready-yet' quips from Larkin, Kurt is ready to be inducted to THE MISSION, but first must prove himself in 'The Gauntlet'

This sequence, is one of the best martial arts fights put on film (yeah, fuck you MATRIX trilogy) showcasing Wincotts fighting skills to their full potential. The 'stick-fighting' stuff is great, as one-by-one, our hero knocks the fuck out of all comers, in a blistering display of foot and fistery.

Now that Kurt has gained Larkins trust, he accompanies other MISSION members on various do-gooding, i.e, kicking a bunch of asses (including a nifty fight scene in a chop-shop...replete with 'Chainsaw-Fu' and a lynching?) and he occasionally bumps into his old work buddies, and gloats that fighting crime is better, when you're not tied down to the bureaucracy of the badge (a'la SHOTGUN) He also gets tidbits of police 'intel' from the ever-helpful Lynne.

Kurt (who now lives in THE MISSION H.Q) sneaks past the guards and locates the videotaped testaments of Cedric (seems Larkin had 'fight-fixing allegations' hanging over him) and takes the tape as evidence. However a guard notices the tape is missing, so Larkin (smelling a rat in her organisation) kidnaps Jimmy (and also suffocates his trusting Grandmother....Not before she's signed all her possessions to THE MISSION, of course...Harold Shipman, eat-your-wife-out!)

It's Election night, and things are looking good for Larkin...she's ahead in the polls, and the only thing that could stop her now, is a (quote) "ex-cop-turned-vigilante-vigilante-with-video-footage-of-her-evil-schemes"
Kurt fights off all her henchman (and in true 90's sexual equality, Lynne deals with the henchwoman) before having his final fight with Titus (who proudly is still wearing the heavyweight belt he stole from Cedric, before murdering him.....which in itself is quite disturbing?) Angered by this, Kurt gives Titus a belt of his own (right round the chops) which sends him flying through a window, and onto the election crowd below. The police attempt to arrest Kurt, but a weary and tortured Jimmy staggers in the hall, to tell all about Larkin murdering Cedric and his grandmother. The police move in on Larkin (who performs her trusty old "Two-Knives-Technique" on Harris...who's having none of it (thank you very much) The police take her away. And kurt is (probably) re-instated on the police force (for a life of low-paid, badge wearing, bureaucracy-putting-up-with....ahead of him)


MISSION OF JUSTICE didn't exactly cause UNFORGIVEN, UNDER SEIGE or THE BODYGUARD sleepless nights back in 1992 (hell, i dare say AMITYVILLE 1992: IT'S ABOUT TIME made more of a dent in the rental charts) But it does what it says on the tin. And as good as Eastwood, Hackman and Harris were...you've lived a wasted life life, until you've heard Tony Burton scream "You broke my FUCKING fingers!!!!" to a seven foot kick-boxer. And sometimes, little details like that, can make (or break) a movie, as far as I'm concerned.

Tony Curtis (1925 - 2010)

It's with a sad heart, that i dedicate this post to the passing of Tony Curtis.
Curtis, star of many a blockbuster (although never as huge as he should of been) After many a classic supporting role, Curtis came to his 'own' in 1969's THE BOSTON STRANGLER, just as his 'Hollywood' star was fading. But had such a huge (likable) personality, that helped him secure work, long after his 'matinee' roles had dried up. And on top of his sterling work in (classics) SOME LIKE IT HOT, SPARTACUS, THE VIKINGS, THE DEFIANT ONES, TRAPEZE and THE PERSUADERS....he brought his (always professional) presence to many a small screen effort (CENTRE OF THE WEB, PRIME TARGET, BRITTLE GLORY and THE IMMORTALS to name a few)


On top of all this, he was a devastatingly handsome 'Mans' man (and i say that with my feeble hetrosexuality intact) the likes of which Clooney and Pitt could never hold the tiniest candle to. The world gets less and less 'fun' with the passing of genuine 'stars' like this guy.

R.I.P Bernard Schwartz

TODAY YOU DIE (2005) Steven Seagal

TODAY YOU DIE was something of an upturn for Steven Seagal. He seemed to be a bit more relaxed and having fun. He started to get back to performing a few fight scenes, and seemed to be having a good rapport with co-star Treach (of 'Naughty By Nature' fame.) He also seemed to be playing a regular guy (as opposed to a special black ops leader) This was also the third of FOUR films he'd made in 2005.
But (and as usual) post production wanted more action (but without the finances to get Seagal back in the studio) TODAY YOU DIE (despite possessing the near perfect Seagal 'Three-Word-Title') became a bit of a cut and paste misfire. But still an interesting misfire none the less.


The movie opens up with a series of haunting images of events to come. This turns out to be a dream/premonition of one, Jada Banks....who (as luck would have it) just happens to be married to modern-day kung -fu-fucking-fighting badass, Harlan Banks. Harlan comforts his sleeping beauty (which is odd, because he's fully dressed, and laid in bed) during this opening scene. She wants her 'hubby' to go straight, but it seems that Harlan has got one 'Last Big Job'(tm) left, before retiring for good.



The scene then cuts to a shot of an unseen cat burglar, setting up an elaborate harpoon winch rope thingy, before sliding down it, and into a swanky building. If you're wondering why this would-be spiderman's face is not shown...is because this entire sequence is 'borrowed' (i.e, actual footage) from the Jean Claude Van Damme movie 'THE ORDER'. Once into the building, the identity of the mysterious modern day 'Raffles' is revealed as none other than HARLAN BANKS (who's hardly broke a sweat, despite his spectacular entrance, and also gained height and weight, over the obvious double we just saw shimmying down) Get ready for a lot more 'Doubles' and 'Borrowed' sequences, with this one folks.



Once inside Harlan uses some bizarre electronic gizmo (with a snazzy 1974 LED readout) that reads any security codes on doors and automatically opens them (you'd think that THIS much technology would cost more than his actual swag...but i guess if that's true, then maybe that's why he must continue to steal, to cover his gadget overheads...a movie featuring Seagal getting into financial difficulties with 'LOMBARD DIRECT' would make for a great spin off movie, methinks?)
Just as Banks is leaving with the loot, a couple of gun toting bad(der) guys approach him (making the foolish oft-made mistake of pointing their gun barrels within arms reach of the aikido master) These criminals laugh at Harlan, and it seems they know his M.O. One of them refers to him as a 'Robin Hood' type, who "keeps a little for himself" Harlan laughs, and then kills the shit out of them. Had that scene ended there, it would have been badass enough, but i guess some fucking genius at Millennium Pictures, thought they'd add another Seagal fight scene (without it actually featuring Seagal) What follows is a darkly lit, poorly doubled, shot from behind fight scene (with the occasional flipped shot of Seagal, from his previous fracas) which may fool the casual viewer, but unfortunately not me. Sadly this despicable filmatic 'cheating' device would continue in most of his later movies (2008's KILLSWITCH being the ultimate low-point)


Harlan is driving towards Vegas with Jada. He seems to have turned his back on (righteous) crime, and has a job lined up, working as a sercurity van driver, at a Las Vegas casino. But on his way (and as LAWMAN has proved) Banks uses his legendary spider senses to notice a Children's Hospital...with a sign slapped over it, stating "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" (cue sub-plot)

("I was in ROADHOUSE, you know?")

Of course, his new job, has a few snags. Mainly that his new employer, MAX STEVENS (kevin Tighe) has been the star of a few of Jada's scary premonitions......and the fact that he's also a "I can buy anything I want" rich asshole. Jada tries to warn Harlan. But he doesn't want to listen.

And just if things couldn't get any worse on his first night, driving the money laden security truck, Harlans new driving buddy, is wannabe psychotic asshole, named Bruno. Who wastes little time in gunning down the security guards, once the money is placed into the truck. He forced Harlan (at gunpoint) to drive like fuck, through Vegas, in their getaway. This sequence is quite spectacular, cars crashing everywhere (with automobile explosions frequent enough to give the most ardent PM ENTERTAINMENT fan a boner) And as I watched this non-stop display of automotive car-nage ...I couldn't help feeling I'd seen a scene similar to this. Until it dawned on me, that (cough!) THE ENTIRE VEGAS TRUCK CHASE WAS LIFTED WHOLESALE FROM THE 1997 MOVIE 'TOP OF THE WORLD' (a nifty thriller starring Peter Weller)

(Steven Seagal is HARD TO FAINT)

After all this , Seagal manages to evade the police, just long enough to stash the truck (with all the loot) and get far enough away (leaving an unconscious Bruno, by the roadside) before phoning Jada to tell her, that it's been a set up, before passing out (in true Seagal style) Now, as you know, Steven Seagal is pretty untouchable in the movies. And he's not going to submit to fatigue in a hurry either. His 'fainting' scene, is nothing less but pure genius, as we watch the Stout Sensei, bow (extremely) gracefully in the face of unconsciousness. He tilts his head ever so slowly (and slightly) before a linking shot of Jada, allows the director to edit in, an all out (laid down) stunt double. I guess Seagal didn't want to get his nice jacket TOO dirty, by laying fully out on the ground?

After a brief Q&A by two cops (one ofwhom, is an improbably glamorous policewoman, who i remember from cack soap opera SUNSET BEACH) get nowhere with a resilient Harlan, who claims that he has amnesia, and cannot tell the authorities, where he stashed the money. Harlan mentions Max, but is told that Max has been killed, since the Vegas heist. As a reward for all his sterling helpful co-operation, the state decides to send Harlan to prison for a million years. Decked out in baggy denim, Seagal strolls dawn the prison halls, whilst horny (and let's face it...desperate) inmates threaten him with 'rape'. One guy shouts "Hey man, i wanna lick you" (i shudder at the mental image, this paints in my already damaged brain)

("Take that you ruffian!")

Harlan kicks a few asses in the prison yard, before making friends with a fellow con, named ICE COLD (that's his name, i shit thee not) Ice is played by Treach (from rap group 'Naughty By Nature' and the enjoyable LOVE AND A BULLET) Harlan and Ice plan their escape, with the intention of sharing the loot, on the outside. Harlan also catches up with Bruno, and snaps his arm (after roughing him up a little)

("Yo!")

At this point of meeting his 'Brotha-from-anotha-mother', Seagal adopts the worst case of 'Ebonics' ever witnessed on the silver screen (or the plastic disc) as he spouts (in full southern drawl) a series of ludicrous sentences (solely designed, to make him sound 'from the streets') So during (and after) their prison breakout, we are treat to some bizarre Seagal dialogue:

"Well, you don't look too happy....but you look happy"

"Let those who should be liberated, get gone, where they gotta go"

"I's cool Y'all"

"Man, you drive like shit, anyone ever tell you that...you drive like a motherfuckin' old lady"

Once sprung from prison (utilizing 'helicopter' footage from UNDISPUTED) Ice takes Harlan to visit one of his old school buddies, a gunrunner (Big Pun-wannabe) named 'D'. Now despite Harlan looking as out of place in a black ghetto, as one could look. D finds time to deliver the "How good is he" line (that must be said about Seagals badassery credentials in ALL his movies) And although D is no Lee R Emery (or Lance Henrikson) he delivers the following statement upon viewing our Stout Sensei.

(Never a truer word spoken in jest)

Seagal tries to bump hands with D, but the chubby gunrunner doesn't want to know (and i'm not sure weather this scene is meant to be comical, as it's shot in quick takes, which hardly qualifies it as a bonafide piece of humour) but it sure makes Seagal look a thousand times more out of place than before. Anyhow, Ice And Harlan take some guns from D, and (after much bad/lame/hilarious Ebonics by Seagal) they get the drop on some drug deal going down, between a young gang (in flash cars) and some ex cohorts of Max. During the shoot outs, Harlan gets all Nicky Santoro on some wiseguys ass, by popping his head into a vice. Just as we're promised a bit of 'head-popping action....Ice turns up and shoots the poor bastard before Banks can squash his melon.

("Okay, okay...My Giant wasn't that bad")

With only limited information extracted from the goon in the vice, Harlan heads to Max's right hand man (and ironically, breaks his 'left hand'...man!) and arranges a meeting with Max (who we all knew wasn't dead) and then Harlan even finds time to kick the shit out of the doorman (played by UFC champ Randy Couture) before and after his house call.

(Whilst you're down there, Randy.....?)

At some bizarre Warehouse/cave/loading bay location (probably the best the set designers could muster up) Harlan meets Max. Max (in true assholic manner) waxes lyrical about spiritual mumbo jumbo, whilst playing the piano. Max also shows Harlan a picture of his young daughter (sub-plot two)
Max then sets some (Tony Jaa-wannabe) gymnast monkey-kung-fu fighting motherfucker on Seagal (who, taking a leaf out of Indiana Jones' book) shoots the back flipping bad guy, mid attack.
Max runs off to his chopper, which all good villains (DTV or otherwise) should have waiting, on standby. Harlan shoots it down (featuring explosion footage from Wesley Snipes UNSTOPPABLE)
More shoot outs/double/double crosses are revealed. Explosion footage from the Charlie Sheen no-brainer NO CODE OF CONDUCT are lifted wholesale, and Harlan, Ice and the female cop walk away (admist some ropey green screen)
Harlan uses the stolen money to (guess what?) RE-OPEN the 'Childrens Hospital' and even finds time to give Max's young daughter a hug (Geez, Steven....she's only there because YOU killed her father in the first place)

("I'm the reason, you're here bitch" Steven Seagal orphans more children)

TODAY YOU DIE isn't vintage Seagal, and the fight/stunt/voice doubles don't help matters. Yet it was a slight improvement on some of the stuff he'd done that year. It has a easier-to-follow plot, and Seagal seems to be having fun. Director Don FauntLeroy (great name) improved things with 2006s MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE, before directing my favourite Seagal DTV project URBAN JUSTICE (a near-perfect Seagal biff em' up)

CITY DRAGON (1995) 'Philthy' Phil Phillips

In the immortal words of Andy Williams....'Where Do I Begin?"

How on earth would a few lines of synopsis, do a movie like CITY DRAGON justice? For starters, it's a Kung Fu flick. Secondly, it's a comedy (of sorts) and it's also a semi-musical. It's also cringe-worthy in acting, plot, dialogue, fight scenes and music.......Yet somehow, it works!
I try to add a little humour to my reviews (and fail, most times) but it's a nigh-on impossible task to be any more humorous than the source material itself. The following synopsis (and 'ahem' lyrics) are the genuine article, as featured in this (slow) motion picture.


This epic movie opens up, with four Latino homeboys trying to carjack Ray, and falling foul to his amazing(ish) kung-fu skills (fools!) Ray (played by the amazingly named M C Kung-Fu) is a rapping romeo of the streets (seriously, 96% of his entire dialogue rhymes) and he hangs out with his two 'homies' Philthy Phil and (pretty fly for a white guy) 'Rhymin' Rick (who's a self proclaimed 'wigger') They lock hands a recite the following rhyme:

"Four Homedogs
It is our duty
To get some 'trim'
To get some boootttaaaay"

We sit (slack-jawed) as our three heroes meet up in a club, free-styling over the ladies they've loved (no joking, these guys constantly brag about the daily rota of girls they do the 'wild thang' with!) Ray spends little time in chatting up a cutie (rhyming throughout) and after bedding her leaves her a 'rapping' dear Jane letter, the following morning (To which she remarks "You rhyming fuck!")


No sooner than this (and for no apparent reason whatsoever) we cut to an almost music video montage of Ray rapping on the streets (a lovely ditty called 'Scandalous') that puts all other rap songs to shame (and doth officially piss on anything by Eminem)

"Brace yourselves, ladies, ladies
Here with cool three brothers crazy
Sniffing, sniffing, til we find you
Then they go boom, shakers spot you.
Acting cool, don't wanna blow it
Tricking chicks, but they don't know it.
Jealous boyfriends love their uzi,
But i don't care...they can kiss my booty"

(CHORUS)

"Scandalous, Scandalous...oh no...he's Scandalous...woof, woof, woof!"

Still though, our three heroes still have time to meet up in the dojo (and in true Three Musketeers style 'hand-on-hand' chant) recite their credo for life and love:

"One....
Two....
Three....
Three home-dogs getting' busy
Knocking boots, we make girls dizzy
Three of us, having a ball
So many women
We'll have em' all!"


But when Ray (dressed up in a all black, shorts and dungarees combo, that would shame Milli Vanilli) meets Tina, it looks like he's met his perfect match (and duff chat-up lines asside) and looks to stop his 'player' lifestyle. (Can a stud as bad-ass as Ray leave the 'game'.....and will the 'game' let him leave?) Problem is, Tina has just finnished with her psychotic ex, called John. (mmmm?)
(The Frisbee, just rounds off, an already impressive 'fashion statement' for M C Kung Fu)

Tina's boyfriend, John is a raging Psychotic, and when he suspects her of cheating on him (which, technically, she is) he kicks the shit out her. Tina leaves him, and moves in with Ray.

Philthy Phil, could very easily be in the music biz fo' real, when you hear him 'dropppin' rhymes in overtime' to his (haunting) rap ballad 'Night-swim' (which for my money, just pips 'Scandalous' to the post, with it's edgy rhymes and soulful chorus)

"I was at my girlie's on a Friday night
Smooth champagne and candlelight
Musics pumping, crowd is jumping
Later on tonight, we will do something"

(CHORUS)

"Nightswiiiiiiimmmm, I'll take you on a nightswim baby"

(Bear witness to Philthy Phils microphone fitness)

As Philthy is 'spitting lyrics' for the crowds (with their chants of "Go Philthy, Go Philthy") John (and about ten of his buddies) confront Ray (who opens a can of whupass on all of them) But during this 'ruckas' Philthy Phil is shot. This scene really upset me, to the point were I've not included any stills. Thankfully Philthy Phil survives (and is soon chatting up the nurses in hospital) Maybe he won't be as nimble to 'bust a move', but homeboy can still "rhyme like a ma'facker" (.....eh?)

(I couldn't insert a still of Philthy Phil getting shot....sorry guys)

John (alone and dejected) reaches boiling point, and whilst at work (pot-washing) he flips at the constant jibes by (camp) fellow worker, Queen Mary....whom he promptly murders. But a rookie cop (who almost steals the movie) jumps into the scene of the recent homicide, and arrests John with a cry of "Drop the queen" and giving him five seconds to surrender (with a countdown consisting of "Un...Deux...three...four.....five") A genuinely funny line of dialogue (which seems out of place, given all the other unintentional 'howlers'?)

Ray and Tina move in together (tina is expecting a baby, but unfortunately John is the father) Unfazed, Ray grts on with his usual routine (i.e, training, and occasionally fucking up more street punks for the crime nudging his ice-cream cone) but despite his bad-ass lifestyle, he seems to settling down. Ray gets a steady job in an office (doing 'god-knows-what?) but it's not long before his reputation as a sword-smith comes back to haunt him, in the shapely form of his blonde female boss (who blackmails Ray for sex) All this double 'pipe-layin' is exhausting the City Dragon out, and he's simply too tired to give Tina the (ahem!) attention she deserves. Tina confronts Rays 'nymp-ho boss', finds out about his 'overtime' and she leaves him, and moves in with her father (who is a rather unsympathetic character)

(Perks of the job)

(John, incarcerated and restrained, but obviously not deemed dangerous enough to be left around Electrical sockets?)

Ray (although gutted at Tinas absence) keeps on top of his training, but is cronfronted by a dozen or so goons at the dojo. The ringleader (in a fetching Superman t-shirt) really lays into Ray (mocking him in a 'stereotypical' ching-chong Chinaman accent) Things really reach boiling point, when these ruffians mock Bruce Lee. Needles to say, Ray kicks all their asses.

John breaks out of the mental institution, and kidnaps Tina's newborn baby from the hospital. Ray happens to be on the scene, and chases John to the hospital rooftop. But Tina's ex dangles the newborn baby (a patently obvious doll) from the roof. Ray talks John out of it, then (can you guess what happens next?.......) Yep, Ray kicks his ass!

One duff fight scene, a dead psychotic ex-boyfriend and safe baby later....Ray and Tina are reunited, and walk off into 'Happyendingsville'

For all those, craving the days of Dolemite and The Last Dragon and (a dash of) Breakin.....add City Dragon to your collection, it's way better than all the 'Save The Last Dunce/Never Back Down' shite that Hollywood is putting out.....without a doubt.....Ray turns it out....He's got the clout.....To knock you out (see, one viewing of this movie, results in a all-day 'rhyme-fest'?)

(NOTE: Philthy Phil don't use no ghost-writers fo' his lyrics of fury)