Saturday, 2 October 2010

KILLER BITCH (2010) Yvette Rowland

Every once and a while, a movie can come along, that re-writes the genre, ups the ante and puts a whole new spin on proceedings....KILLER BITCH is not that movie. However, it's one of the most jaw-dropping (unintentional) comedies, I've ever seen. It features a cast of both 'has-beens' and 'never-wheres', topless sluts, bad acting, non-existent FX, bad dialogue, grotty locations, the word "CAHNT!" every other sentence and is wrapped up in uninspired direction and photography. Yet somehow it works (it carries on the same tradition as Lindsay Shonteff or Cliff Twemlow movies) and has a raw energy, that Guy Ritchie (beyond his millions) would love to possess.

The (rather) pointless plot opens up with legendary UK 'swordsman' Ben Dover (yes, THAT one) giving it large, to some blonde bimbo...who then promptly stabs the shit out of the ageing Lothario. This scene is intercut with other random (and equally badly filmed) death scenes

After this 'murder-montage' (Godfather Part II, it aint) we are introduced to the heroine of the movie, Yvette (Yvette Rowland) a slightly ditsy, Kate Bush (almost) alike (hey, i guess Eileen Daly and Emily Booth were busy?) She wakes up in a warehouse (one of the many glitzy locations in this 'every-expense-spared' production) and is instantly attacked by a Geordie hitman (who, quite frankly is useless, and shouts "I'm gonna kill ya, yer fookin bitch!" quite a lot)

Just as it seems Yvette's number is up, she is saved by a mysterious cockney hitman Jason (played by hooligan/market stall trader/extraordinaire Jason Marriner...who steals the show, with his wholesale slaughter of buxom strippers and uttering variations on the word "CAHNT!") His dialogue is priceless. And I'd be a fool not to share it with you (the distinguished moviegoer)

(The many faces of Jason Marriner...all of them cockney)

Jason takes Yvette to a large house, and it's there she meets the overlord, behind all the carnage, Cass (played by former hooligan/writer/extraordinaire Cass Pennant) He explains to her that all her workmates, friends and family will be executed, unless she kills five people on a list he hands to her. What she doesn't know, is that others are playing the game (and many of the names are cross referenced) meaning that soon the assassins will have to kill off the other assassins. Yvette, mortified, has no choice. It transpires that Yvette's husband has been killed earlier on by a masked assassin (subplot #1) Yvette is given the list, and sent on her way....

During her search for victim #1, we are introduced to other people forced into the game. Most notably Robin (played with gusto, by one-time boxer/Sunday Sport salesman Robin Reid) Reid takes this movie very seriously throughout, and despite his (rather fey) 'Scouse' accent, he pulls off all manner of Bruce Lee/Sonny Chiba mannerisms to match his extreme over-acting throughout this sordid movie. It transpires that Robins wife was gang raped and murdered, as part of the game, and the (self proclaimed "Number one killing machine") wastes little time in killing the shit out of those responsible) including a ludicrous scene in a gym, where he just casually pulls out a gun, and gets all 'Tony Montana' on a guy, presumably his trainer just a minute earlier.

(Two Reids for the price of none......Robin and Alex............poet warriors)

We are also introduced to a fighter named Alex (played by Alex Reid...aka: Mr Katie Price/The Reidinator/worst actor in the world) Oh, and not forgetting Jason, who turns up on the doorstep of some stripper every five minutes or so, with such heartfelt laments as the one (illustrated) below:

Yvette finds the address of the first 'name' on the list, and it's none other than cockney-gangster-extraordinaire Dave Courtney, who's aided and abetted by fighting legend Roy (Pretty Boy) Shaw. Despite his advancing years, Shaw is one man not to be messed with, and within 30 seconds of his debut, he's punching/beating the shit out of some guy that 'brushed past him' (quite a serious crime, 'Dahn Sarf') Courtney is accompanied upstairs by a black lady, who urges him to (quote) "Put one in me" (very erotic, i must say)

Yvette, pulls a gun on Courtney (just as he's about to shoot his load...boom, boom!) but he takes the gun off the fledgling assassin, and gives chase. And what a chase scene it is.
If you want to see Dave Courtneys penis flop about, as he chases a woman through his (Tudor-style) house, wearing nothing but a shirt...then please buy this movie. Because i won't be putting up any stills of it (partly because Courtney may pay me a visit, and stamp on my neck, and partly because it's not a nice sight) But he's got bottle, i'll give him that!

Yvette is captured, and given to two strange associates of Courtney, who, instead of raping and murdering her (as promised) drop her off at a beach, and leave her there to wander about. It is here, she is joined up with Alex (who flits in and out of this movie, like most of the characters) and the stoic fighter, tries to help her get the drop on her next target, a meathead bare knuckle fighter, who constantly shouts "Who's the facking guvnor?...I'm the facking guvnor!!" to a packed audience (roughly 4 or 5) Alex has a plan (quote) "Get into the ring, beat the fuck out of him...and let Yvette finish him off" This doesn't quite go to plan, as Reid (actually not a bad real life fighter) exhibits a fighting style, that Steven Hawkins would piss his bag, laughing at....
However, Yvette shoots her target, during one of his "Who's the guvnor?" style rants, and the two assassins flee the scene.

We (the brave viewer) are treat to more Jason Marriner style romanticism, as he pays a model to 'shine his silverwear' before blowing her brains out...and THEN having an orgasm, whilst still inside whats left of the poor girls head. You just don't get scenes like this in Halle Berry movies, i can tell you...

(KILLER BITCH doesn't stint on the tits)

And just in case, you thought the 'pace' was slipping, we're then treat to a cameo by none other than Michael Carroll (infamous UK lottery winning lout) who proves that:
A) The diet pills aren't working.
B) None of his winnings weren't squandered on 'acting lessons.

Robin Reid takes (easy) care of Carroll (thankfully sparing us any more non-acting) and then we're also introduced to an 'Oirish tough nut 'Big Joe' (played by Joe Egan) who basically Utters "Well, there's no point in you then" to the dozen or so people he casually murders. We also get a topless Dwarf (who is then tossed off a roof, for further titillation)

Robin shoots the shit out of some guys in a warehouse (but not before he's beaten the fuck out of a foul-mouthed guy in an ice cream van) But the scouse warrior is soon caught, and handed over to some Chinese gang (who intend to torture him with a fish?) Robin kills them all, and goes off in search of Yvette.

Yvette then wanders into a bar, and is chatting to none other than Howard Marks (legendary Welsh drug smuggler...and older looking, shagged out Rhys Ifans look-a-like) who spouts off (what seems to be the only genuinely scripted line of dialogue) to a recently drugged Yvette the following advice/gibberish:

"You've just drank a glass of reindeer piss.
...and those reindeer eat deadly magic mushrooms.
If you ate them, you'd die.
So don't eat those Deadly magic mushrooms
Instead, lie under the reindeer
Look up to his genitals
And say lovingly....Rain-Dear!
And try to catch some of the reindeer's piss in your mouth
That way, you won't'll just get high"

Meanwhile, Mr Marriner is making all the ladies swoon, by telling a buxom beauty "Listen Babe, I gotta tell yer, I'm a reasonable man....But there's two sides to me, and one of my sides is off my facking head, i gotta tell yer that now....But as you got a great pair of tits, I'm gonna give you one chance, and facking one chance only...alright, who won the FA cup replay in 1970?"

The blonde (probably not known for her football expertise) answers "Leeds?"

To which Marriner (already the worthy successor to Richard Gere) replies "You silly Cahnt!" before blowing her head off, and then remarking "Facking Leeds, the silly cahnt, she's taking the piss out of me, aint she?"

(Karlos Vemola's auditions for 'PriceDrop TV')

Yvette is kidnapped by some polish cage fighter, after her assassination attempt on him fails, he sells her to some guys in a boxing gym (after kicking the shit out them first, to 'up' the asking price) Alex (on the scene, and out of the middle of nowhere) fights the Pole...and true to form, gets his ass kicked (again) only to be saved by Yvette.

Just when you think, Mr Marriner can't top his already legendary 'heart-throb status, he then threatens a (admittedly gobby) girl in a wheelchair. If this actress looks familiar, it's because she played 'Nessa' in the legendary BBC flop soap ELDORADO (one of my favourites BTW) Jason bombards her with the following tender sentiments, such as "You facking grass, i bet you get the best seat in the house when you go to the football?" and heartfelt outpourings of affection like "Of course you're just sitting there, you aint gonna run a marathon, you Cahnt, aren't yer?"

During all this mayhem, Yvette is dragged into a (spacious) bush by Alex, and soon gives into his animalistic urges. And 'Animalistic' is the key word, because Mr Katie Price, assumes that the best way to exhibit eroticism is by grunting like a pirate and shouting "YEAH" and "FACKING YEAH" throughout this sexless rape/love scene. The Daily Mail eat shit like this up and have already tried to stir up a media frenzy over this movie with the headline of ALEX REID IN MOVIE THAT ADVOCATES RAPE headlines. Trust me, Miss Rowland seems more embarrassed than horrified, during this sordid sequence. But fuck yeah, the grunting is damn funny, all the same.

(Alex Reid and Yvette Rowland in the worst sex scene ever filmed)

Afterwards, Yvette leaves Alex, and bumps into Robin, who tells her that Alex was the masked assassin who killed her husband. Feeling used and Angry, she joins Robin and sets out to trap Jason (don't know what happens to Alex at this point...I guess he's still asleep in a bush somehere?) Yvette lures Jason to (what looks like) a laundry room, and in dominatrix gear, she castrates Mr Marriner (which probably left a lot of sad women around Britain, i can tell you) Marriner lets out a few (customary) "You Facking Cahnt" screams...before (presumably) dying in a pool of his own blood, alngside his fake-looking apendage.

(Where's ya tool?)

Of course though, you can't keep a good Football hooligan/market trader/assassin/incurable romantic down. And before you can say "CAHNT!!" Marriner awakens from his castration, just as a young nubile news reporter is covering his story. He attacks her from behind, but god knows what he's going to do with her, as his 'Fuck-stick' has been cut off. Oh well.....

Yvette tries to help Robin, but the guy kills himself in her arms, because he was the last name on her list (how noble) and with all her kills completed, Yvette storms to Cass' mansion, with the sole intention of killing him. Cass reminds her, that before the games she was going nowhere in life, and that the killing makes her feel alive. Yvette actually realises that this is indeed, true, and lets out a real shit-eating grin, as Cass suggests that she plays another game for their mutual pleasure.

KILLER BITCH is essential viewing for fans of exploitation. As mentioned it has elements of G.B.H (1983) and vintage 'Shonteff'. The sexism and misogyny are ripe, and chances are the cast (of real life thugs/hard men) may put off more 'righteous' viewers. But the movie has a great pace, and can more hold it's own alongside work by Darren Ward and Alex Chandon. Watch it with likeminded mates, add alcohol, and the drink will be pouring out your nose, at such a foul-mouthed wallow in old time (non-pc) violence/rape/murder. And i'm sure that whatever reactionary rubbish the DAILY MAIL write, won't hopefuly deter director Liam Galvin from serving up more of the same in the near future?

MISSION OF JUSTICE (1992) Jeff Wincott

Oh the 90's......
How I'd flock to the video shops (still) and rent out the latest wannabe SEAGAL stuff. Now to be fair, Jeff Wincott was one of my favourites, because he didn't just want to imitate Seagal (unlike say...Thomas Ian Griffith?) but tried to put a unique spin his biff/shoot em' ups (and played a diverse range of characters, from lawyers to doctors) in his (too short) acting career. But MISSION OF JUSTICE sees Wincott in full-tilt kick ass cop mode, in this hugely enjoyable (slightly campy) action fest.

Wincott plays Kurt Harris, a tough cop (partnered up with martial arts babe Karen Sheperd) as Lynne. Right from the get-go, we see Harris throw a wife-beater through a window, and then look on in shock belief, as the beat up housewife has second thoughts on prosecuting her violent husband. But hey...these be mean streets, so mean, that before they can get the wife beater to the police station, Harris notices three punk-types 'Robbing-a-convenience-store' (tm)

After some sub-Hard To Kill type shenanigans, Kurt and his partner get the drop on all but one of the punks. Kurt gives chase, only to find that he's been detained (i.e, kicked the shit out of) by a young chap named Jimmy, part of some 'Guardian Angel' types called THE MISSION (sub-plot #1). Kurt thanks this good Samaritan (yet seems a little uneasy about citizens taking the law into their own hands)

Back at the police station, Kurt finds out that the charges have been dropped on the wife beater, and rushes back to find the spouse (literally) beating the shit out of his good lady wife (NOTE: Whilst i don't find 'Spousal-Battery' of any gender funny....this scene is hilarious, as the husband punches her about 30 some 'Streets Of Rage' super-move on the Sega Megadrive) and Kurt punches the abusive husband about 60 times in retaliation. Sexual politics aside, it's a damn funny sequence.

Disillusioned with police procedures (and all that other bullshit) Kurt shouts at his captain (surely 'role reversal' in movies like this?) and promptly quits the force. Whilst sat in his downbeat apartment (no huge warehouses with neon lights for this renegade cop!) he notices a tv commercial, featuring those pesky 'Street-Police' THE MISSION, and it's leader (the badly miscast, but always fun) Brigitte Nielson, as Rachael Larkin...who is also running for 'Mayor' (subplot #2)

And this subplot, leads Larkin to attempt to drum up support for her campaign. Ex-heavyweight boxing champ, Cedric Williams (who has had previous dealings with her) wants noting to do with her campaign, and threatens to sue her P.R team, for using an image of himself and Larkin in an election poster. What Larkin doesn't know, is that Cedric and Harris are good friends.

Larkin (replete with TITUS...played by DTV legend Mathias Hues) pay Cedric a visit one night as he's closing his gym. Unbeknownst to them, Young Jimmy is watching on, helpless as Larkin threatens Cedric, and then suggests a bout between Titus and the Ex-champ. Cedric gets a few punches in, but the giant henchman, uses kung fu moves on the pugilist, and breaks his fingers, before:
A) Kicking the shit out of him.
B) Larkin slits his throat with her 'Trademark double knife move'.

(Tony Burton counts the number of Rocky Movies he'd appeared in)

Young Jimmy (who's grandmother is a loyal supporter of Larkin, monetary and otherwise) flees the scene, telling no-one of what he's witnessed. Kurt, on the other hand, wants answers (and doesn't let the fact that he's no longer a cop...stop him from busting heads to find out.)
Putting vague clues together, he links THE MISSION to the events, and signs up to join them. He must not only complete endless application forms, but also allow himself to be filmed, whilst confessing to secrets, with monitors and pads stuck to his body (Scientology, anyone?) After a few 'not-quite-ready-yet' quips from Larkin, Kurt is ready to be inducted to THE MISSION, but first must prove himself in 'The Gauntlet'

This sequence, is one of the best martial arts fights put on film (yeah, fuck you MATRIX trilogy) showcasing Wincotts fighting skills to their full potential. The 'stick-fighting' stuff is great, as one-by-one, our hero knocks the fuck out of all comers, in a blistering display of foot and fistery.

Now that Kurt has gained Larkins trust, he accompanies other MISSION members on various do-gooding, i.e, kicking a bunch of asses (including a nifty fight scene in a chop-shop...replete with 'Chainsaw-Fu' and a lynching?) and he occasionally bumps into his old work buddies, and gloats that fighting crime is better, when you're not tied down to the bureaucracy of the badge (a'la SHOTGUN) He also gets tidbits of police 'intel' from the ever-helpful Lynne.

Kurt (who now lives in THE MISSION H.Q) sneaks past the guards and locates the videotaped testaments of Cedric (seems Larkin had 'fight-fixing allegations' hanging over him) and takes the tape as evidence. However a guard notices the tape is missing, so Larkin (smelling a rat in her organisation) kidnaps Jimmy (and also suffocates his trusting Grandmother....Not before she's signed all her possessions to THE MISSION, of course...Harold Shipman, eat-your-wife-out!)

It's Election night, and things are looking good for Larkin...she's ahead in the polls, and the only thing that could stop her now, is a (quote) "ex-cop-turned-vigilante-vigilante-with-video-footage-of-her-evil-schemes"
Kurt fights off all her henchman (and in true 90's sexual equality, Lynne deals with the henchwoman) before having his final fight with Titus (who proudly is still wearing the heavyweight belt he stole from Cedric, before murdering him.....which in itself is quite disturbing?) Angered by this, Kurt gives Titus a belt of his own (right round the chops) which sends him flying through a window, and onto the election crowd below. The police attempt to arrest Kurt, but a weary and tortured Jimmy staggers in the hall, to tell all about Larkin murdering Cedric and his grandmother. The police move in on Larkin (who performs her trusty old "Two-Knives-Technique" on Harris...who's having none of it (thank you very much) The police take her away. And kurt is (probably) re-instated on the police force (for a life of low-paid, badge wearing, bureaucracy-putting-up-with....ahead of him)

MISSION OF JUSTICE didn't exactly cause UNFORGIVEN, UNDER SEIGE or THE BODYGUARD sleepless nights back in 1992 (hell, i dare say AMITYVILLE 1992: IT'S ABOUT TIME made more of a dent in the rental charts) But it does what it says on the tin. And as good as Eastwood, Hackman and Harris've lived a wasted life life, until you've heard Tony Burton scream "You broke my FUCKING fingers!!!!" to a seven foot kick-boxer. And sometimes, little details like that, can make (or break) a movie, as far as I'm concerned.