Saturday, 2 October 2010

KILLER BITCH (2010) Yvette Rowland

Every once and a while, a movie can come along, that re-writes the genre, ups the ante and puts a whole new spin on proceedings....KILLER BITCH is not that movie. However, it's one of the most jaw-dropping (unintentional) comedies, I've ever seen. It features a cast of both 'has-beens' and 'never-wheres', topless sluts, bad acting, non-existent FX, bad dialogue, grotty locations, the word "CAHNT!" every other sentence and is wrapped up in uninspired direction and photography. Yet somehow it works (it carries on the same tradition as Lindsay Shonteff or Cliff Twemlow movies) and has a raw energy, that Guy Ritchie (beyond his millions) would love to possess.

The (rather) pointless plot opens up with legendary UK 'swordsman' Ben Dover (yes, THAT one) giving it large, to some blonde bimbo...who then promptly stabs the shit out of the ageing Lothario. This scene is intercut with other random (and equally badly filmed) death scenes

After this 'murder-montage' (Godfather Part II, it aint) we are introduced to the heroine of the movie, Yvette (Yvette Rowland) a slightly ditsy, Kate Bush (almost) alike (hey, i guess Eileen Daly and Emily Booth were busy?) She wakes up in a warehouse (one of the many glitzy locations in this 'every-expense-spared' production) and is instantly attacked by a Geordie hitman (who, quite frankly is useless, and shouts "I'm gonna kill ya, yer fookin bitch!" quite a lot)

Just as it seems Yvette's number is up, she is saved by a mysterious cockney hitman Jason (played by hooligan/market stall trader/extraordinaire Jason Marriner...who steals the show, with his wholesale slaughter of buxom strippers and uttering variations on the word "CAHNT!") His dialogue is priceless. And I'd be a fool not to share it with you (the distinguished moviegoer)

(The many faces of Jason Marriner...all of them cockney)

Jason takes Yvette to a large house, and it's there she meets the overlord, behind all the carnage, Cass (played by former hooligan/writer/extraordinaire Cass Pennant) He explains to her that all her workmates, friends and family will be executed, unless she kills five people on a list he hands to her. What she doesn't know, is that others are playing the game (and many of the names are cross referenced) meaning that soon the assassins will have to kill off the other assassins. Yvette, mortified, has no choice. It transpires that Yvette's husband has been killed earlier on by a masked assassin (subplot #1) Yvette is given the list, and sent on her way....

During her search for victim #1, we are introduced to other people forced into the game. Most notably Robin (played with gusto, by one-time boxer/Sunday Sport salesman Robin Reid) Reid takes this movie very seriously throughout, and despite his (rather fey) 'Scouse' accent, he pulls off all manner of Bruce Lee/Sonny Chiba mannerisms to match his extreme over-acting throughout this sordid movie. It transpires that Robins wife was gang raped and murdered, as part of the game, and the (self proclaimed "Number one killing machine") wastes little time in killing the shit out of those responsible) including a ludicrous scene in a gym, where he just casually pulls out a gun, and gets all 'Tony Montana' on a guy, presumably his trainer just a minute earlier.

(Two Reids for the price of none......Robin and Alex............poet warriors)

We are also introduced to a fighter named Alex (played by Alex Reid...aka: Mr Katie Price/The Reidinator/worst actor in the world) Oh, and not forgetting Jason, who turns up on the doorstep of some stripper every five minutes or so, with such heartfelt laments as the one (illustrated) below:

Yvette finds the address of the first 'name' on the list, and it's none other than cockney-gangster-extraordinaire Dave Courtney, who's aided and abetted by fighting legend Roy (Pretty Boy) Shaw. Despite his advancing years, Shaw is one man not to be messed with, and within 30 seconds of his debut, he's punching/beating the shit out of some guy that 'brushed past him' (quite a serious crime, 'Dahn Sarf') Courtney is accompanied upstairs by a black lady, who urges him to (quote) "Put one in me" (very erotic, i must say)

Yvette, pulls a gun on Courtney (just as he's about to shoot his load...boom, boom!) but he takes the gun off the fledgling assassin, and gives chase. And what a chase scene it is.
If you want to see Dave Courtneys penis flop about, as he chases a woman through his (Tudor-style) house, wearing nothing but a shirt...then please buy this movie. Because i won't be putting up any stills of it (partly because Courtney may pay me a visit, and stamp on my neck, and partly because it's not a nice sight) But he's got bottle, i'll give him that!

Yvette is captured, and given to two strange associates of Courtney, who, instead of raping and murdering her (as promised) drop her off at a beach, and leave her there to wander about. It is here, she is joined up with Alex (who flits in and out of this movie, like most of the characters) and the stoic fighter, tries to help her get the drop on her next target, a meathead bare knuckle fighter, who constantly shouts "Who's the facking guvnor?...I'm the facking guvnor!!" to a packed audience (roughly 4 or 5) Alex has a plan (quote) "Get into the ring, beat the fuck out of him...and let Yvette finish him off" This doesn't quite go to plan, as Reid (actually not a bad real life fighter) exhibits a fighting style, that Steven Hawkins would piss his bag, laughing at....
However, Yvette shoots her target, during one of his "Who's the guvnor?" style rants, and the two assassins flee the scene.

We (the brave viewer) are treat to more Jason Marriner style romanticism, as he pays a model to 'shine his silverwear' before blowing her brains out...and THEN having an orgasm, whilst still inside whats left of the poor girls head. You just don't get scenes like this in Halle Berry movies, i can tell you...

(KILLER BITCH doesn't stint on the tits)

And just in case, you thought the 'pace' was slipping, we're then treat to a cameo by none other than Michael Carroll (infamous UK lottery winning lout) who proves that:
A) The diet pills aren't working.
B) None of his winnings weren't squandered on 'acting lessons.

Robin Reid takes (easy) care of Carroll (thankfully sparing us any more non-acting) and then we're also introduced to an 'Oirish tough nut 'Big Joe' (played by Joe Egan) who basically Utters "Well, there's no point in you then" to the dozen or so people he casually murders. We also get a topless Dwarf (who is then tossed off a roof, for further titillation)

Robin shoots the shit out of some guys in a warehouse (but not before he's beaten the fuck out of a foul-mouthed guy in an ice cream van) But the scouse warrior is soon caught, and handed over to some Chinese gang (who intend to torture him with a fish?) Robin kills them all, and goes off in search of Yvette.

Yvette then wanders into a bar, and is chatting to none other than Howard Marks (legendary Welsh drug smuggler...and older looking, shagged out Rhys Ifans look-a-like) who spouts off (what seems to be the only genuinely scripted line of dialogue) to a recently drugged Yvette the following advice/gibberish:

"You've just drank a glass of reindeer piss.
...and those reindeer eat deadly magic mushrooms.
If you ate them, you'd die.
So don't eat those Deadly magic mushrooms
Instead, lie under the reindeer
Look up to his genitals
And say lovingly....Rain-Dear!
And try to catch some of the reindeer's piss in your mouth
That way, you won't'll just get high"

Meanwhile, Mr Marriner is making all the ladies swoon, by telling a buxom beauty "Listen Babe, I gotta tell yer, I'm a reasonable man....But there's two sides to me, and one of my sides is off my facking head, i gotta tell yer that now....But as you got a great pair of tits, I'm gonna give you one chance, and facking one chance only...alright, who won the FA cup replay in 1970?"

The blonde (probably not known for her football expertise) answers "Leeds?"

To which Marriner (already the worthy successor to Richard Gere) replies "You silly Cahnt!" before blowing her head off, and then remarking "Facking Leeds, the silly cahnt, she's taking the piss out of me, aint she?"

(Karlos Vemola's auditions for 'PriceDrop TV')

Yvette is kidnapped by some polish cage fighter, after her assassination attempt on him fails, he sells her to some guys in a boxing gym (after kicking the shit out them first, to 'up' the asking price) Alex (on the scene, and out of the middle of nowhere) fights the Pole...and true to form, gets his ass kicked (again) only to be saved by Yvette.

Just when you think, Mr Marriner can't top his already legendary 'heart-throb status, he then threatens a (admittedly gobby) girl in a wheelchair. If this actress looks familiar, it's because she played 'Nessa' in the legendary BBC flop soap ELDORADO (one of my favourites BTW) Jason bombards her with the following tender sentiments, such as "You facking grass, i bet you get the best seat in the house when you go to the football?" and heartfelt outpourings of affection like "Of course you're just sitting there, you aint gonna run a marathon, you Cahnt, aren't yer?"

During all this mayhem, Yvette is dragged into a (spacious) bush by Alex, and soon gives into his animalistic urges. And 'Animalistic' is the key word, because Mr Katie Price, assumes that the best way to exhibit eroticism is by grunting like a pirate and shouting "YEAH" and "FACKING YEAH" throughout this sexless rape/love scene. The Daily Mail eat shit like this up and have already tried to stir up a media frenzy over this movie with the headline of ALEX REID IN MOVIE THAT ADVOCATES RAPE headlines. Trust me, Miss Rowland seems more embarrassed than horrified, during this sordid sequence. But fuck yeah, the grunting is damn funny, all the same.

(Alex Reid and Yvette Rowland in the worst sex scene ever filmed)

Afterwards, Yvette leaves Alex, and bumps into Robin, who tells her that Alex was the masked assassin who killed her husband. Feeling used and Angry, she joins Robin and sets out to trap Jason (don't know what happens to Alex at this point...I guess he's still asleep in a bush somehere?) Yvette lures Jason to (what looks like) a laundry room, and in dominatrix gear, she castrates Mr Marriner (which probably left a lot of sad women around Britain, i can tell you) Marriner lets out a few (customary) "You Facking Cahnt" screams...before (presumably) dying in a pool of his own blood, alngside his fake-looking apendage.

(Where's ya tool?)

Of course though, you can't keep a good Football hooligan/market trader/assassin/incurable romantic down. And before you can say "CAHNT!!" Marriner awakens from his castration, just as a young nubile news reporter is covering his story. He attacks her from behind, but god knows what he's going to do with her, as his 'Fuck-stick' has been cut off. Oh well.....

Yvette tries to help Robin, but the guy kills himself in her arms, because he was the last name on her list (how noble) and with all her kills completed, Yvette storms to Cass' mansion, with the sole intention of killing him. Cass reminds her, that before the games she was going nowhere in life, and that the killing makes her feel alive. Yvette actually realises that this is indeed, true, and lets out a real shit-eating grin, as Cass suggests that she plays another game for their mutual pleasure.

KILLER BITCH is essential viewing for fans of exploitation. As mentioned it has elements of G.B.H (1983) and vintage 'Shonteff'. The sexism and misogyny are ripe, and chances are the cast (of real life thugs/hard men) may put off more 'righteous' viewers. But the movie has a great pace, and can more hold it's own alongside work by Darren Ward and Alex Chandon. Watch it with likeminded mates, add alcohol, and the drink will be pouring out your nose, at such a foul-mouthed wallow in old time (non-pc) violence/rape/murder. And i'm sure that whatever reactionary rubbish the DAILY MAIL write, won't hopefuly deter director Liam Galvin from serving up more of the same in the near future?

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