How on earth would a few lines of synopsis, do a movie like CITY DRAGON justice? For starters, it's a Kung Fu flick. Secondly, it's a comedy (of sorts) and it's also a semi-musical. It's also cringe-worthy in acting, plot, dialogue, fight scenes and music.......Yet somehow, it works!
I try to add a little humour to my reviews (and fail, most times) but it's a nigh-on impossible task to be any more humorous than the source material itself. The following synopsis (and 'ahem' lyrics) are the genuine article, as featured in this (slow) motion picture.
This epic movie opens up, with four Latino homeboys trying to carjack Ray, and falling foul to his amazing(ish) kung-fu skills (fools!) Ray (played by the amazingly named M C Kung-Fu) is a rapping romeo of the streets (seriously, 96% of his entire dialogue rhymes) and he hangs out with his two 'homies' Philthy Phil and (pretty fly for a white guy) 'Rhymin' Rick (who's a self proclaimed 'wigger') They lock hands a recite the following rhyme:
It is our duty
To get some 'trim'
To get some boootttaaaay"
We sit (slack-jawed) as our three heroes meet up in a club, free-styling over the ladies they've loved (no joking, these guys constantly brag about the daily rota of girls they do the 'wild thang' with!) Ray spends little time in chatting up a cutie (rhyming throughout) and after bedding her leaves her a 'rapping' dear Jane letter, the following morning (To which she remarks "You rhyming fuck!")
No sooner than this (and for no apparent reason whatsoever) we cut to an almost music video montage of Ray rapping on the streets (a lovely ditty called 'Scandalous') that puts all other rap songs to shame (and doth officially piss on anything by Eminem)
"Brace yourselves, ladies, ladies
Here with cool three brothers crazy
Sniffing, sniffing, til we find you
Then they go boom, shakers spot you.
Acting cool, don't wanna blow it
Tricking chicks, but they don't know it.
Jealous boyfriends love their uzi,
But i don't care...they can kiss my booty"
"Scandalous, Scandalous...oh no...he's Scandalous...woof, woof, woof!"
Still though, our three heroes still have time to meet up in the dojo (and in true Three Musketeers style 'hand-on-hand' chant) recite their credo for life and love:
Three home-dogs getting' busy
Knocking boots, we make girls dizzy
Three of us, having a ball
So many women
We'll have em' all!"
But when Ray (dressed up in a all black, shorts and dungarees combo, that would shame Milli Vanilli) meets Tina, it looks like he's met his perfect match (and duff chat-up lines asside) and looks to stop his 'player' lifestyle. (Can a stud as bad-ass as Ray leave the 'game'.....and will the 'game' let him leave?) Problem is, Tina has just finnished with her psychotic ex, called John. (mmmm?)
(The Frisbee, just rounds off, an already impressive 'fashion statement' for M C Kung Fu)
Tina's boyfriend, John is a raging Psychotic, and when he suspects her of cheating on him (which, technically, she is) he kicks the shit out her. Tina leaves him, and moves in with Ray.
Smooth champagne and candlelight
Musics pumping, crowd is jumping
Later on tonight, we will do something"
"Nightswiiiiiiimmmm, I'll take you on a nightswim baby"
John (alone and dejected) reaches boiling point, and whilst at work (pot-washing) he flips at the constant jibes by (camp) fellow worker, Queen Mary....whom he promptly murders. But a rookie cop (who almost steals the movie) jumps into the scene of the recent homicide, and arrests John with a cry of "Drop the queen" and giving him five seconds to surrender (with a countdown consisting of "Un...Deux...three...four.....five") A genuinely funny line of dialogue (which seems out of place, given all the other unintentional 'howlers'?)