Tony Curtis (1925 - 2010)

It's with a sad heart, that i dedicate this post to the passing of Tony Curtis.
Curtis, star of many a blockbuster (although never as huge as he should of been) After many a classic supporting role, Curtis came to his 'own' in 1969's THE BOSTON STRANGLER, just as his 'Hollywood' star was fading. But had such a huge (likable) personality, that helped him secure work, long after his 'matinee' roles had dried up. And on top of his sterling work in (classics) SOME LIKE IT HOT, SPARTACUS, THE VIKINGS, THE DEFIANT ONES, TRAPEZE and THE PERSUADERS....he brought his (always professional) presence to many a small screen effort (CENTRE OF THE WEB, PRIME TARGET, BRITTLE GLORY and THE IMMORTALS to name a few)


On top of all this, he was a devastatingly handsome 'Mans' man (and i say that with my feeble hetrosexuality intact) the likes of which Clooney and Pitt could never hold the tiniest candle to. The world gets less and less 'fun' with the passing of genuine 'stars' like this guy.

R.I.P Bernard Schwartz

TODAY YOU DIE (2005) Steven Seagal

TODAY YOU DIE was something of an upturn for Steven Seagal. He seemed to be a bit more relaxed and having fun. He started to get back to performing a few fight scenes, and seemed to be having a good rapport with co-star Treach (of 'Naughty By Nature' fame.) He also seemed to be playing a regular guy (as opposed to a special black ops leader) This was also the third of FOUR films he'd made in 2005.
But (and as usual) post production wanted more action (but without the finances to get Seagal back in the studio) TODAY YOU DIE (despite possessing the near perfect Seagal 'Three-Word-Title') became a bit of a cut and paste misfire. But still an interesting misfire none the less.


The movie opens up with a series of haunting images of events to come. This turns out to be a dream/premonition of one, Jada Banks....who (as luck would have it) just happens to be married to modern-day kung -fu-fucking-fighting badass, Harlan Banks. Harlan comforts his sleeping beauty (which is odd, because he's fully dressed, and laid in bed) during this opening scene. She wants her 'hubby' to go straight, but it seems that Harlan has got one 'Last Big Job'(tm) left, before retiring for good.



The scene then cuts to a shot of an unseen cat burglar, setting up an elaborate harpoon winch rope thingy, before sliding down it, and into a swanky building. If you're wondering why this would-be spiderman's face is not shown...is because this entire sequence is 'borrowed' (i.e, actual footage) from the Jean Claude Van Damme movie 'THE ORDER'. Once into the building, the identity of the mysterious modern day 'Raffles' is revealed as none other than HARLAN BANKS (who's hardly broke a sweat, despite his spectacular entrance, and also gained height and weight, over the obvious double we just saw shimmying down) Get ready for a lot more 'Doubles' and 'Borrowed' sequences, with this one folks.



Once inside Harlan uses some bizarre electronic gizmo (with a snazzy 1974 LED readout) that reads any security codes on doors and automatically opens them (you'd think that THIS much technology would cost more than his actual swag...but i guess if that's true, then maybe that's why he must continue to steal, to cover his gadget overheads...a movie featuring Seagal getting into financial difficulties with 'LOMBARD DIRECT' would make for a great spin off movie, methinks?)
Just as Banks is leaving with the loot, a couple of gun toting bad(der) guys approach him (making the foolish oft-made mistake of pointing their gun barrels within arms reach of the aikido master) These criminals laugh at Harlan, and it seems they know his M.O. One of them refers to him as a 'Robin Hood' type, who "keeps a little for himself" Harlan laughs, and then kills the shit out of them. Had that scene ended there, it would have been badass enough, but i guess some fucking genius at Millennium Pictures, thought they'd add another Seagal fight scene (without it actually featuring Seagal) What follows is a darkly lit, poorly doubled, shot from behind fight scene (with the occasional flipped shot of Seagal, from his previous fracas) which may fool the casual viewer, but unfortunately not me. Sadly this despicable filmatic 'cheating' device would continue in most of his later movies (2008's KILLSWITCH being the ultimate low-point)


Harlan is driving towards Vegas with Jada. He seems to have turned his back on (righteous) crime, and has a job lined up, working as a sercurity van driver, at a Las Vegas casino. But on his way (and as LAWMAN has proved) Banks uses his legendary spider senses to notice a Children's Hospital...with a sign slapped over it, stating "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" (cue sub-plot)

("I was in ROADHOUSE, you know?")

Of course, his new job, has a few snags. Mainly that his new employer, MAX STEVENS (kevin Tighe) has been the star of a few of Jada's scary premonitions......and the fact that he's also a "I can buy anything I want" rich asshole. Jada tries to warn Harlan. But he doesn't want to listen.

And just if things couldn't get any worse on his first night, driving the money laden security truck, Harlans new driving buddy, is wannabe psychotic asshole, named Bruno. Who wastes little time in gunning down the security guards, once the money is placed into the truck. He forced Harlan (at gunpoint) to drive like fuck, through Vegas, in their getaway. This sequence is quite spectacular, cars crashing everywhere (with automobile explosions frequent enough to give the most ardent PM ENTERTAINMENT fan a boner) And as I watched this non-stop display of automotive car-nage ...I couldn't help feeling I'd seen a scene similar to this. Until it dawned on me, that (cough!) THE ENTIRE VEGAS TRUCK CHASE WAS LIFTED WHOLESALE FROM THE 1997 MOVIE 'TOP OF THE WORLD' (a nifty thriller starring Peter Weller)

(Steven Seagal is HARD TO FAINT)

After all this , Seagal manages to evade the police, just long enough to stash the truck (with all the loot) and get far enough away (leaving an unconscious Bruno, by the roadside) before phoning Jada to tell her, that it's been a set up, before passing out (in true Seagal style) Now, as you know, Steven Seagal is pretty untouchable in the movies. And he's not going to submit to fatigue in a hurry either. His 'fainting' scene, is nothing less but pure genius, as we watch the Stout Sensei, bow (extremely) gracefully in the face of unconsciousness. He tilts his head ever so slowly (and slightly) before a linking shot of Jada, allows the director to edit in, an all out (laid down) stunt double. I guess Seagal didn't want to get his nice jacket TOO dirty, by laying fully out on the ground?

After a brief Q&A by two cops (one ofwhom, is an improbably glamorous policewoman, who i remember from cack soap opera SUNSET BEACH) get nowhere with a resilient Harlan, who claims that he has amnesia, and cannot tell the authorities, where he stashed the money. Harlan mentions Max, but is told that Max has been killed, since the Vegas heist. As a reward for all his sterling helpful co-operation, the state decides to send Harlan to prison for a million years. Decked out in baggy denim, Seagal strolls dawn the prison halls, whilst horny (and let's face it...desperate) inmates threaten him with 'rape'. One guy shouts "Hey man, i wanna lick you" (i shudder at the mental image, this paints in my already damaged brain)

("Take that you ruffian!")

Harlan kicks a few asses in the prison yard, before making friends with a fellow con, named ICE COLD (that's his name, i shit thee not) Ice is played by Treach (from rap group 'Naughty By Nature' and the enjoyable LOVE AND A BULLET) Harlan and Ice plan their escape, with the intention of sharing the loot, on the outside. Harlan also catches up with Bruno, and snaps his arm (after roughing him up a little)

("Yo!")

At this point of meeting his 'Brotha-from-anotha-mother', Seagal adopts the worst case of 'Ebonics' ever witnessed on the silver screen (or the plastic disc) as he spouts (in full southern drawl) a series of ludicrous sentences (solely designed, to make him sound 'from the streets') So during (and after) their prison breakout, we are treat to some bizarre Seagal dialogue:

"Well, you don't look too happy....but you look happy"

"Let those who should be liberated, get gone, where they gotta go"

"I's cool Y'all"

"Man, you drive like shit, anyone ever tell you that...you drive like a motherfuckin' old lady"

Once sprung from prison (utilizing 'helicopter' footage from UNDISPUTED) Ice takes Harlan to visit one of his old school buddies, a gunrunner (Big Pun-wannabe) named 'D'. Now despite Harlan looking as out of place in a black ghetto, as one could look. D finds time to deliver the "How good is he" line (that must be said about Seagals badassery credentials in ALL his movies) And although D is no Lee R Emery (or Lance Henrikson) he delivers the following statement upon viewing our Stout Sensei.

(Never a truer word spoken in jest)

Seagal tries to bump hands with D, but the chubby gunrunner doesn't want to know (and i'm not sure weather this scene is meant to be comical, as it's shot in quick takes, which hardly qualifies it as a bonafide piece of humour) but it sure makes Seagal look a thousand times more out of place than before. Anyhow, Ice And Harlan take some guns from D, and (after much bad/lame/hilarious Ebonics by Seagal) they get the drop on some drug deal going down, between a young gang (in flash cars) and some ex cohorts of Max. During the shoot outs, Harlan gets all Nicky Santoro on some wiseguys ass, by popping his head into a vice. Just as we're promised a bit of 'head-popping action....Ice turns up and shoots the poor bastard before Banks can squash his melon.

("Okay, okay...My Giant wasn't that bad")

With only limited information extracted from the goon in the vice, Harlan heads to Max's right hand man (and ironically, breaks his 'left hand'...man!) and arranges a meeting with Max (who we all knew wasn't dead) and then Harlan even finds time to kick the shit out of the doorman (played by UFC champ Randy Couture) before and after his house call.

(Whilst you're down there, Randy.....?)

At some bizarre Warehouse/cave/loading bay location (probably the best the set designers could muster up) Harlan meets Max. Max (in true assholic manner) waxes lyrical about spiritual mumbo jumbo, whilst playing the piano. Max also shows Harlan a picture of his young daughter (sub-plot two)
Max then sets some (Tony Jaa-wannabe) gymnast monkey-kung-fu fighting motherfucker on Seagal (who, taking a leaf out of Indiana Jones' book) shoots the back flipping bad guy, mid attack.
Max runs off to his chopper, which all good villains (DTV or otherwise) should have waiting, on standby. Harlan shoots it down (featuring explosion footage from Wesley Snipes UNSTOPPABLE)
More shoot outs/double/double crosses are revealed. Explosion footage from the Charlie Sheen no-brainer NO CODE OF CONDUCT are lifted wholesale, and Harlan, Ice and the female cop walk away (admist some ropey green screen)
Harlan uses the stolen money to (guess what?) RE-OPEN the 'Childrens Hospital' and even finds time to give Max's young daughter a hug (Geez, Steven....she's only there because YOU killed her father in the first place)

("I'm the reason, you're here bitch" Steven Seagal orphans more children)

TODAY YOU DIE isn't vintage Seagal, and the fight/stunt/voice doubles don't help matters. Yet it was a slight improvement on some of the stuff he'd done that year. It has a easier-to-follow plot, and Seagal seems to be having fun. Director Don FauntLeroy (great name) improved things with 2006s MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE, before directing my favourite Seagal DTV project URBAN JUSTICE (a near-perfect Seagal biff em' up)

CITY DRAGON (1995) 'Philthy' Phil Phillips

In the immortal words of Andy Williams....'Where Do I Begin?"

How on earth would a few lines of synopsis, do a movie like CITY DRAGON justice? For starters, it's a Kung Fu flick. Secondly, it's a comedy (of sorts) and it's also a semi-musical. It's also cringe-worthy in acting, plot, dialogue, fight scenes and music.......Yet somehow, it works!
I try to add a little humour to my reviews (and fail, most times) but it's a nigh-on impossible task to be any more humorous than the source material itself. The following synopsis (and 'ahem' lyrics) are the genuine article, as featured in this (slow) motion picture.


This epic movie opens up, with four Latino homeboys trying to carjack Ray, and falling foul to his amazing(ish) kung-fu skills (fools!) Ray (played by the amazingly named M C Kung-Fu) is a rapping romeo of the streets (seriously, 96% of his entire dialogue rhymes) and he hangs out with his two 'homies' Philthy Phil and (pretty fly for a white guy) 'Rhymin' Rick (who's a self proclaimed 'wigger') They lock hands a recite the following rhyme:

"Four Homedogs
It is our duty
To get some 'trim'
To get some boootttaaaay"

We sit (slack-jawed) as our three heroes meet up in a club, free-styling over the ladies they've loved (no joking, these guys constantly brag about the daily rota of girls they do the 'wild thang' with!) Ray spends little time in chatting up a cutie (rhyming throughout) and after bedding her leaves her a 'rapping' dear Jane letter, the following morning (To which she remarks "You rhyming fuck!")


No sooner than this (and for no apparent reason whatsoever) we cut to an almost music video montage of Ray rapping on the streets (a lovely ditty called 'Scandalous') that puts all other rap songs to shame (and doth officially piss on anything by Eminem)

"Brace yourselves, ladies, ladies
Here with cool three brothers crazy
Sniffing, sniffing, til we find you
Then they go boom, shakers spot you.
Acting cool, don't wanna blow it
Tricking chicks, but they don't know it.
Jealous boyfriends love their uzi,
But i don't care...they can kiss my booty"

(CHORUS)

"Scandalous, Scandalous...oh no...he's Scandalous...woof, woof, woof!"

Still though, our three heroes still have time to meet up in the dojo (and in true Three Musketeers style 'hand-on-hand' chant) recite their credo for life and love:

"One....
Two....
Three....
Three home-dogs getting' busy
Knocking boots, we make girls dizzy
Three of us, having a ball
So many women
We'll have em' all!"


But when Ray (dressed up in a all black, shorts and dungarees combo, that would shame Milli Vanilli) meets Tina, it looks like he's met his perfect match (and duff chat-up lines asside) and looks to stop his 'player' lifestyle. (Can a stud as bad-ass as Ray leave the 'game'.....and will the 'game' let him leave?) Problem is, Tina has just finnished with her psychotic ex, called John. (mmmm?)
(The Frisbee, just rounds off, an already impressive 'fashion statement' for M C Kung Fu)

Tina's boyfriend, John is a raging Psychotic, and when he suspects her of cheating on him (which, technically, she is) he kicks the shit out her. Tina leaves him, and moves in with Ray.

Philthy Phil, could very easily be in the music biz fo' real, when you hear him 'dropppin' rhymes in overtime' to his (haunting) rap ballad 'Night-swim' (which for my money, just pips 'Scandalous' to the post, with it's edgy rhymes and soulful chorus)

"I was at my girlie's on a Friday night
Smooth champagne and candlelight
Musics pumping, crowd is jumping
Later on tonight, we will do something"

(CHORUS)

"Nightswiiiiiiimmmm, I'll take you on a nightswim baby"

(Bear witness to Philthy Phils microphone fitness)

As Philthy is 'spitting lyrics' for the crowds (with their chants of "Go Philthy, Go Philthy") John (and about ten of his buddies) confront Ray (who opens a can of whupass on all of them) But during this 'ruckas' Philthy Phil is shot. This scene really upset me, to the point were I've not included any stills. Thankfully Philthy Phil survives (and is soon chatting up the nurses in hospital) Maybe he won't be as nimble to 'bust a move', but homeboy can still "rhyme like a ma'facker" (.....eh?)

(I couldn't insert a still of Philthy Phil getting shot....sorry guys)

John (alone and dejected) reaches boiling point, and whilst at work (pot-washing) he flips at the constant jibes by (camp) fellow worker, Queen Mary....whom he promptly murders. But a rookie cop (who almost steals the movie) jumps into the scene of the recent homicide, and arrests John with a cry of "Drop the queen" and giving him five seconds to surrender (with a countdown consisting of "Un...Deux...three...four.....five") A genuinely funny line of dialogue (which seems out of place, given all the other unintentional 'howlers'?)

Ray and Tina move in together (tina is expecting a baby, but unfortunately John is the father) Unfazed, Ray grts on with his usual routine (i.e, training, and occasionally fucking up more street punks for the crime nudging his ice-cream cone) but despite his bad-ass lifestyle, he seems to settling down. Ray gets a steady job in an office (doing 'god-knows-what?) but it's not long before his reputation as a sword-smith comes back to haunt him, in the shapely form of his blonde female boss (who blackmails Ray for sex) All this double 'pipe-layin' is exhausting the City Dragon out, and he's simply too tired to give Tina the (ahem!) attention she deserves. Tina confronts Rays 'nymp-ho boss', finds out about his 'overtime' and she leaves him, and moves in with her father (who is a rather unsympathetic character)

(Perks of the job)

(John, incarcerated and restrained, but obviously not deemed dangerous enough to be left around Electrical sockets?)

Ray (although gutted at Tinas absence) keeps on top of his training, but is cronfronted by a dozen or so goons at the dojo. The ringleader (in a fetching Superman t-shirt) really lays into Ray (mocking him in a 'stereotypical' ching-chong Chinaman accent) Things really reach boiling point, when these ruffians mock Bruce Lee. Needles to say, Ray kicks all their asses.

John breaks out of the mental institution, and kidnaps Tina's newborn baby from the hospital. Ray happens to be on the scene, and chases John to the hospital rooftop. But Tina's ex dangles the newborn baby (a patently obvious doll) from the roof. Ray talks John out of it, then (can you guess what happens next?.......) Yep, Ray kicks his ass!

One duff fight scene, a dead psychotic ex-boyfriend and safe baby later....Ray and Tina are reunited, and walk off into 'Happyendingsville'

For all those, craving the days of Dolemite and The Last Dragon and (a dash of) Breakin.....add City Dragon to your collection, it's way better than all the 'Save The Last Dunce/Never Back Down' shite that Hollywood is putting out.....without a doubt.....Ray turns it out....He's got the clout.....To knock you out (see, one viewing of this movie, results in a all-day 'rhyme-fest'?)

(NOTE: Philthy Phil don't use no ghost-writers fo' his lyrics of fury)

POSTAL (2007) Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll has his critics.....Too many of them it seems. Some critics hate the fact that he gets unique German Tax-breaks to fund his movies, or because he can attract big name casts. Thanks to the Internet virgin geeks on IMDB, haters can vote his movies 'one star', despite not seeing the movies (or in some cases, before they've been released) This doesn't seem to faze Boll at all. The German director is well known for his hatred of Hollywood anyhow. So it is with his 2007 masterpiece (yes, i said it....'Masterpiece') that Boll decided to hit back (movie wise) with a huge 'Fuck You' to all his critics. Postal is an even bigger 'Fuck You' to good taste, that shows up these lame ass 'Jud Apatow' flicks for the corny shit that they are.

We open the movie, with Two Al Qaeda terrorist pilots bickering over how many 'virgins' they'll receive in the afterlife. As the argument heats up, we are alerted to the banging noise (which turns out to be the passengers revolting against their captors) Too late though, as the plane crashes into a U.S skyscraper (much to the surprise of a dangling window cleaner)

("I asked for a regular Hot-Dog...who ordered the jumbo?")

With such pleasantries out of the way, we cut to (trailer park capital) Paradise City (were the grass is brown, and the girls ain't pretty) where we are introduced to The Dude (Zack Ward) and his (err, 'luxurious') wife.

(Fuck Jeff Bridges....Zack Ward IS 'The Dude')

His bride constantly sits (or usually lays around) on her fat ass, bitching at Dude, or taking (not so secret) lovers (sometimes two at a time.) Dude needs to get a job, and better his life. Even the redneck degenerate owner of the trailer park is sticking it, to the Dudes wife. Whats a guy to do.....

(The Dudes wife....her shadow weighs 4 stone)

We also meet other characters from Paradise City, including two cops, one black, one white. The black cop is a unrepentant racist (with a sideline in 'pimping' out disabled street beggars) The white (much calmer) Cop is played by none other than Ralf Moeller (Brackus from BEST OF THE BEST 2...and some shitty Ridley Scott movie about 'Roman fighters 180 AD) Moeller, himself a 'Boll' regular (and down-market Schwarzenegger wannabe) is so calm in this movie, he hardly bats an eyelid, when his partner guns down a Chinese lady in her car (for no other reason, than bad driving)

After looking for work (including a cringe-inducing job interview at 'Gluttco Inc') and a life-or-death shootout at his local employment centre, the Dude decides to visit his uncle Dave, a slimy doomsday cult leader (replete with ranch, and brainwashed sex craved bimbos) to ask for help.

(Uncle Dave...The 'Ladies Fave')

Dave, it seems is in debt to the government for unpaid (hell, non-payment) of back taxes (to the tune of $1 million dollars) Since Dave preaches the end is nigh, he refuses to pay taxes. But with the threat to his land and hot and cold running 'trim', Dave and Nephew concoct a plan to steal a huge consignment of the latest toy craze to hit America...The Krotchy Doll (imagine 'Barney'...but shaped like dick)



It seems that there's going to be a huge haul of these sought-after toys at the opening of a new theme park, Little Germany, replete with all (un-PC) shops and stalls...'Grind Zero' coffee bar, anyone? Unbeknown to our hapless heroes, but Osama bin Laden has been hiding out in the backroom of a convenience store since 9/11 and is keen to steal the 'Krotchy Dolls' and lace them with 'Bird Flu'


Uncle Dave (and his busty bimbos) arrive at Little Germany, and whilst the ladies (replete with 'Hitler' moustaches, and little else) ahem...'entertain' the guards, Dave, (camp) right hand man Richie, and Dude steal the dolls. During this grand opening, Uwe Boll (playing himself) laughs candidly at (and agrees with) the notion of his movies (including this one) to be financed by Nazi War Gold. Boll then has a fight with the real life creator of the POSTAL PC game (on which this movie is based on) which is a nice sly dig, at Bolls critics who gripe about the directors many filmatic adaptions of established PC games. In true cartoon style Boll is seen brandishing boxing gloves, in another 'knowing' wink, to his various real life boxing bouts with his critics (He's actually a half decent semi-pro boxer)



The fun and frivolity continues, reaching a high point (or is that 'low' point) when none-other-than special guest Verne Troyer turns up...the party is in full swing. That is, until Al-Qaeda terrorists turn up to seize the Crotchy Dolls, and shoot the living shit out of nearly everyone (including Boll) and a bunch of kids (in a scene designed solely to bait the censor!!) When Dude tries to intervene, the tv cameras mistakenly assume he's the one in charge of the infanticide.....and a manhunt ensues...with the all-state man-hunt for the man dubbed as 'Postal Dude'. Fleeing the scene, Dave, Dude, bimbos (and a kidnapped Verne Troyer...in a suitcase) make an escape, back to Dave's ranch.

In the bunker of the ranch, Richie (who apparently believes Uncle Dave's 'doomsday' shit) kills his leader to fulfill the prophecy foretold in Uncle Dave's fictional Bible. This bible (which the creator himself didn't believe in, foretells that "To bring about the extinction of the human race, the rape of a "tiny entertainer" by a thousand monkeys must take place (cue: Verne Troyer is thrown into a pit of sex craved chimpanzees)

(I know what you're thinking......Isn't it about time Verne Troyer was raped by a chimpanzee?)

Postal Dude escapes, and teams up with Coffee store worker Faith, and together they dodge bullets, bombs and buggies (actually 2 out of 3 ain't bad)

(Ha-Ha!)

Returning to his trailer park, Postal Dude, upon hearing his wife being 'serviced' by the two cops (at the same time, i might add) decides to blow up the trailer park (and the many degenerates in it) and after giving an impassioned 'farewell-to-arms' speech to the gun-crazy townsfolk.....who 'giveth shiteth...noteth' (Shakespeare-talk) resulting in non-stop carnage. He and Faith ride off into the sunset, amidst the falling entrails from the ensuing explosion.

("Fack us, Barackus")

Osama bin Laden (with his direct hot line to George W Bush) calls for help. Bush (and this guy is a much better look-alike, than the one they used in HAROLD & KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY) creates a smokescreen to the bloodshed and blames China and India (and even bombs each respective country, to prove this point) But, in doing such, starts WW3 (and presumably, the end of mankind) as both Bin Laden and Bush dance off into the sunset, the nuclear bombs rain down (in a beautiful, but scary final image)

(If only, eh?)

POSTAL is a one off 'horror-Comedy' made by a misunderstood talent. Boll (who has a deft hand at comedy) turns in one the best comedies in years (light years away from all the Renee Zellweger 'fall-over' shit, that's clogged up the multiplexes in recent years) And pre-dating Chris Morris' FOUR LIONS by a few years, Boll see's the funny side to terrorism post 9/11. I'd wager that Boll is taking the piss in most of his movies...but with POSTAL he actually shows up on screen (as himself) in full 'wink-wink' mode. And i (for one) applaud his brave (if a little sick) outlook on some very serious problems facing the world right now.

(You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs....However an omelette is nothing without 'Mushrooms')