CITY DRAGON (1995) 'Philthy' Phil Phillips

In the immortal words of Andy Williams....'Where Do I Begin?"

How on earth would a few lines of synopsis, do a movie like CITY DRAGON justice? For starters, it's a Kung Fu flick. Secondly, it's a comedy (of sorts) and it's also a semi-musical. It's also cringe-worthy in acting, plot, dialogue, fight scenes and music.......Yet somehow, it works!
I try to add a little humour to my reviews (and fail, most times) but it's a nigh-on impossible task to be any more humorous than the source material itself. The following synopsis (and 'ahem' lyrics) are the genuine article, as featured in this (slow) motion picture.


This epic movie opens up, with four Latino homeboys trying to carjack Ray, and falling foul to his amazing(ish) kung-fu skills (fools!) Ray (played by the amazingly named M C Kung-Fu) is a rapping romeo of the streets (seriously, 96% of his entire dialogue rhymes) and he hangs out with his two 'homies' Philthy Phil and (pretty fly for a white guy) 'Rhymin' Rick (who's a self proclaimed 'wigger') They lock hands a recite the following rhyme:

"Four Homedogs
It is our duty
To get some 'trim'
To get some boootttaaaay"

We sit (slack-jawed) as our three heroes meet up in a club, free-styling over the ladies they've loved (no joking, these guys constantly brag about the daily rota of girls they do the 'wild thang' with!) Ray spends little time in chatting up a cutie (rhyming throughout) and after bedding her leaves her a 'rapping' dear Jane letter, the following morning (To which she remarks "You rhyming fuck!")


No sooner than this (and for no apparent reason whatsoever) we cut to an almost music video montage of Ray rapping on the streets (a lovely ditty called 'Scandalous') that puts all other rap songs to shame (and doth officially piss on anything by Eminem)

"Brace yourselves, ladies, ladies
Here with cool three brothers crazy
Sniffing, sniffing, til we find you
Then they go boom, shakers spot you.
Acting cool, don't wanna blow it
Tricking chicks, but they don't know it.
Jealous boyfriends love their uzi,
But i don't care...they can kiss my booty"

(CHORUS)

"Scandalous, Scandalous...oh no...he's Scandalous...woof, woof, woof!"

Still though, our three heroes still have time to meet up in the dojo (and in true Three Musketeers style 'hand-on-hand' chant) recite their credo for life and love:

"One....
Two....
Three....
Three home-dogs getting' busy
Knocking boots, we make girls dizzy
Three of us, having a ball
So many women
We'll have em' all!"


But when Ray (dressed up in a all black, shorts and dungarees combo, that would shame Milli Vanilli) meets Tina, it looks like he's met his perfect match (and duff chat-up lines asside) and looks to stop his 'player' lifestyle. (Can a stud as bad-ass as Ray leave the 'game'.....and will the 'game' let him leave?) Problem is, Tina has just finnished with her psychotic ex, called John. (mmmm?)
(The Frisbee, just rounds off, an already impressive 'fashion statement' for M C Kung Fu)

Tina's boyfriend, John is a raging Psychotic, and when he suspects her of cheating on him (which, technically, she is) he kicks the shit out her. Tina leaves him, and moves in with Ray.

Philthy Phil, could very easily be in the music biz fo' real, when you hear him 'dropppin' rhymes in overtime' to his (haunting) rap ballad 'Night-swim' (which for my money, just pips 'Scandalous' to the post, with it's edgy rhymes and soulful chorus)

"I was at my girlie's on a Friday night
Smooth champagne and candlelight
Musics pumping, crowd is jumping
Later on tonight, we will do something"

(CHORUS)

"Nightswiiiiiiimmmm, I'll take you on a nightswim baby"

(Bear witness to Philthy Phils microphone fitness)

As Philthy is 'spitting lyrics' for the crowds (with their chants of "Go Philthy, Go Philthy") John (and about ten of his buddies) confront Ray (who opens a can of whupass on all of them) But during this 'ruckas' Philthy Phil is shot. This scene really upset me, to the point were I've not included any stills. Thankfully Philthy Phil survives (and is soon chatting up the nurses in hospital) Maybe he won't be as nimble to 'bust a move', but homeboy can still "rhyme like a ma'facker" (.....eh?)

(I couldn't insert a still of Philthy Phil getting shot....sorry guys)

John (alone and dejected) reaches boiling point, and whilst at work (pot-washing) he flips at the constant jibes by (camp) fellow worker, Queen Mary....whom he promptly murders. But a rookie cop (who almost steals the movie) jumps into the scene of the recent homicide, and arrests John with a cry of "Drop the queen" and giving him five seconds to surrender (with a countdown consisting of "Un...Deux...three...four.....five") A genuinely funny line of dialogue (which seems out of place, given all the other unintentional 'howlers'?)

Ray and Tina move in together (tina is expecting a baby, but unfortunately John is the father) Unfazed, Ray grts on with his usual routine (i.e, training, and occasionally fucking up more street punks for the crime nudging his ice-cream cone) but despite his bad-ass lifestyle, he seems to settling down. Ray gets a steady job in an office (doing 'god-knows-what?) but it's not long before his reputation as a sword-smith comes back to haunt him, in the shapely form of his blonde female boss (who blackmails Ray for sex) All this double 'pipe-layin' is exhausting the City Dragon out, and he's simply too tired to give Tina the (ahem!) attention she deserves. Tina confronts Rays 'nymp-ho boss', finds out about his 'overtime' and she leaves him, and moves in with her father (who is a rather unsympathetic character)

(Perks of the job)

(John, incarcerated and restrained, but obviously not deemed dangerous enough to be left around Electrical sockets?)

Ray (although gutted at Tinas absence) keeps on top of his training, but is cronfronted by a dozen or so goons at the dojo. The ringleader (in a fetching Superman t-shirt) really lays into Ray (mocking him in a 'stereotypical' ching-chong Chinaman accent) Things really reach boiling point, when these ruffians mock Bruce Lee. Needles to say, Ray kicks all their asses.

John breaks out of the mental institution, and kidnaps Tina's newborn baby from the hospital. Ray happens to be on the scene, and chases John to the hospital rooftop. But Tina's ex dangles the newborn baby (a patently obvious doll) from the roof. Ray talks John out of it, then (can you guess what happens next?.......) Yep, Ray kicks his ass!

One duff fight scene, a dead psychotic ex-boyfriend and safe baby later....Ray and Tina are reunited, and walk off into 'Happyendingsville'

For all those, craving the days of Dolemite and The Last Dragon and (a dash of) Breakin.....add City Dragon to your collection, it's way better than all the 'Save The Last Dunce/Never Back Down' shite that Hollywood is putting out.....without a doubt.....Ray turns it out....He's got the clout.....To knock you out (see, one viewing of this movie, results in a all-day 'rhyme-fest'?)

(NOTE: Philthy Phil don't use no ghost-writers fo' his lyrics of fury)

POSTAL (2007) Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll has his critics.....Too many of them it seems. Some critics hate the fact that he gets unique German Tax-breaks to fund his movies, or because he can attract big name casts. Thanks to the Internet virgin geeks on IMDB, haters can vote his movies 'one star', despite not seeing the movies (or in some cases, before they've been released) This doesn't seem to faze Boll at all. The German director is well known for his hatred of Hollywood anyhow. So it is with his 2007 masterpiece (yes, i said it....'Masterpiece') that Boll decided to hit back (movie wise) with a huge 'Fuck You' to all his critics. Postal is an even bigger 'Fuck You' to good taste, that shows up these lame ass 'Jud Apatow' flicks for the corny shit that they are.

We open the movie, with Two Al Qaeda terrorist pilots bickering over how many 'virgins' they'll receive in the afterlife. As the argument heats up, we are alerted to the banging noise (which turns out to be the passengers revolting against their captors) Too late though, as the plane crashes into a U.S skyscraper (much to the surprise of a dangling window cleaner)

("I asked for a regular Hot-Dog...who ordered the jumbo?")

With such pleasantries out of the way, we cut to (trailer park capital) Paradise City (were the grass is brown, and the girls ain't pretty) where we are introduced to The Dude (Zack Ward) and his (err, 'luxurious') wife.

(Fuck Jeff Bridges....Zack Ward IS 'The Dude')

His bride constantly sits (or usually lays around) on her fat ass, bitching at Dude, or taking (not so secret) lovers (sometimes two at a time.) Dude needs to get a job, and better his life. Even the redneck degenerate owner of the trailer park is sticking it, to the Dudes wife. Whats a guy to do.....

(The Dudes wife....her shadow weighs 4 stone)

We also meet other characters from Paradise City, including two cops, one black, one white. The black cop is a unrepentant racist (with a sideline in 'pimping' out disabled street beggars) The white (much calmer) Cop is played by none other than Ralf Moeller (Brackus from BEST OF THE BEST 2...and some shitty Ridley Scott movie about 'Roman fighters 180 AD) Moeller, himself a 'Boll' regular (and down-market Schwarzenegger wannabe) is so calm in this movie, he hardly bats an eyelid, when his partner guns down a Chinese lady in her car (for no other reason, than bad driving)

After looking for work (including a cringe-inducing job interview at 'Gluttco Inc') and a life-or-death shootout at his local employment centre, the Dude decides to visit his uncle Dave, a slimy doomsday cult leader (replete with ranch, and brainwashed sex craved bimbos) to ask for help.

(Uncle Dave...The 'Ladies Fave')

Dave, it seems is in debt to the government for unpaid (hell, non-payment) of back taxes (to the tune of $1 million dollars) Since Dave preaches the end is nigh, he refuses to pay taxes. But with the threat to his land and hot and cold running 'trim', Dave and Nephew concoct a plan to steal a huge consignment of the latest toy craze to hit America...The Krotchy Doll (imagine 'Barney'...but shaped like dick)



It seems that there's going to be a huge haul of these sought-after toys at the opening of a new theme park, Little Germany, replete with all (un-PC) shops and stalls...'Grind Zero' coffee bar, anyone? Unbeknown to our hapless heroes, but Osama bin Laden has been hiding out in the backroom of a convenience store since 9/11 and is keen to steal the 'Krotchy Dolls' and lace them with 'Bird Flu'


Uncle Dave (and his busty bimbos) arrive at Little Germany, and whilst the ladies (replete with 'Hitler' moustaches, and little else) ahem...'entertain' the guards, Dave, (camp) right hand man Richie, and Dude steal the dolls. During this grand opening, Uwe Boll (playing himself) laughs candidly at (and agrees with) the notion of his movies (including this one) to be financed by Nazi War Gold. Boll then has a fight with the real life creator of the POSTAL PC game (on which this movie is based on) which is a nice sly dig, at Bolls critics who gripe about the directors many filmatic adaptions of established PC games. In true cartoon style Boll is seen brandishing boxing gloves, in another 'knowing' wink, to his various real life boxing bouts with his critics (He's actually a half decent semi-pro boxer)



The fun and frivolity continues, reaching a high point (or is that 'low' point) when none-other-than special guest Verne Troyer turns up...the party is in full swing. That is, until Al-Qaeda terrorists turn up to seize the Crotchy Dolls, and shoot the living shit out of nearly everyone (including Boll) and a bunch of kids (in a scene designed solely to bait the censor!!) When Dude tries to intervene, the tv cameras mistakenly assume he's the one in charge of the infanticide.....and a manhunt ensues...with the all-state man-hunt for the man dubbed as 'Postal Dude'. Fleeing the scene, Dave, Dude, bimbos (and a kidnapped Verne Troyer...in a suitcase) make an escape, back to Dave's ranch.

In the bunker of the ranch, Richie (who apparently believes Uncle Dave's 'doomsday' shit) kills his leader to fulfill the prophecy foretold in Uncle Dave's fictional Bible. This bible (which the creator himself didn't believe in, foretells that "To bring about the extinction of the human race, the rape of a "tiny entertainer" by a thousand monkeys must take place (cue: Verne Troyer is thrown into a pit of sex craved chimpanzees)

(I know what you're thinking......Isn't it about time Verne Troyer was raped by a chimpanzee?)

Postal Dude escapes, and teams up with Coffee store worker Faith, and together they dodge bullets, bombs and buggies (actually 2 out of 3 ain't bad)

(Ha-Ha!)

Returning to his trailer park, Postal Dude, upon hearing his wife being 'serviced' by the two cops (at the same time, i might add) decides to blow up the trailer park (and the many degenerates in it) and after giving an impassioned 'farewell-to-arms' speech to the gun-crazy townsfolk.....who 'giveth shiteth...noteth' (Shakespeare-talk) resulting in non-stop carnage. He and Faith ride off into the sunset, amidst the falling entrails from the ensuing explosion.

("Fack us, Barackus")

Osama bin Laden (with his direct hot line to George W Bush) calls for help. Bush (and this guy is a much better look-alike, than the one they used in HAROLD & KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY) creates a smokescreen to the bloodshed and blames China and India (and even bombs each respective country, to prove this point) But, in doing such, starts WW3 (and presumably, the end of mankind) as both Bin Laden and Bush dance off into the sunset, the nuclear bombs rain down (in a beautiful, but scary final image)

(If only, eh?)

POSTAL is a one off 'horror-Comedy' made by a misunderstood talent. Boll (who has a deft hand at comedy) turns in one the best comedies in years (light years away from all the Renee Zellweger 'fall-over' shit, that's clogged up the multiplexes in recent years) And pre-dating Chris Morris' FOUR LIONS by a few years, Boll see's the funny side to terrorism post 9/11. I'd wager that Boll is taking the piss in most of his movies...but with POSTAL he actually shows up on screen (as himself) in full 'wink-wink' mode. And i (for one) applaud his brave (if a little sick) outlook on some very serious problems facing the world right now.

(You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs....However an omelette is nothing without 'Mushrooms')

SUCKER PUNCH (2008) Ian 'The Machine' Freeman

With new British movies (usually Danny Dyer cockney rat-boy flicks) clogging up your local sainsburys dvd shelves week-in, week-out, it's refreshing to come across a hidden gem like SUCKER PUNCH. A loose remake of the Walter Hill classic 'THE STREETFIGHTER' (1975) that starred Charles Bronson and James Coburn (like you didn't know that already?)

Sucker Punch, concerns a drifter named 'Charles Buchinsky' (a respectful homage to Charles Bronsons REAL name) who we first see in flashback format (getting the shit kicked out of him, by some huge crazy bald fighter) Turns out Buchinsky is whats known as a 'Hitter' (bare knuckle, no-holds barred streetfighter...for cash) and with this many flashbacks, he's obviously out to revenge his defeat.

(Not quite Charles Bronson...but hey)

At this point, we are introduced to (Del Boy wannabe) small-time (constantly in debt) hustler, Ray (Harley) Davidson...and his (permanently stoned, geriatric sidekick) Weed. You recognise Harley as CAT from Red Dwarf (a show, i detest) and chances are you'll recognise Weed from 'crimestoppers' (despite his near catatonic performance, he steals nearly every scene with his total non-delivery of dialogue)

(Weed displays his full emotive range, whilst Harley secures another free fry-up)

Oh, and just in case you thought Tony Montana had some 'plush dwellings'....check out this 'Des-Res' which belongs (not only) to 'Premier Wines' (fine purveyors of the 'grape' and piss-weak Australian lager)....but also the HQ of Harley and Weed. Harley also tries to juggle promoting fights, with taking care of his long suffering pregnant girlfriend.

(Southfork Ranch, had to downscale)

Harley it seems, in on a losing streak (no shit, look at his digs) with his deadend bets on likewise fighters, and is looking for a ticket out of the gutter (or at least to move above a 'Threshers') and whilst at another deadbeat fight, he notices Buchinsky, who easily wipes the floor with another fighter. Could this be Harley's dream ticket? The only snag is that all the top fighters and all the big stakes are run by Geordie crime lord/porn Baron/general all-round shit-kicker extraordinaire Maitland (played by real-life UFC legend Ian 'The Machine' Freeman) And let me tell you...this guy could be tyne-sides answer to Robert DeNiro (if he didn't sound like a deleted cast extra from 'When The Boat Comes In) But as it stands, Freeman is the best thing in the movie *

(Victor Maitland...runs this toon, bonny lad!)

Buchinsky meets Melanie, one of Maitlands porn-star actresses. She and the 'Hitter' become lovers, but quite frankly you never know where her loyalties stand (as she's that dull a character......but hey i guess the movie needed a sex scene) Meanwhile, Maitland keeps trying to lure Buchinsky from Harley, but the 'hitter' insists on just making money. Several fights are staged (with increasingly dirtier tactics) but Buchinsky remains unbeaten.

(Not 'Madison Square Garden'...but 'Maidstone Street Garden Centre')

As Maitland increases the stakes, Harley finds himself turning to loan-sharks to raise the capital. And one of these loan sharks is played by none other than Antonio Fargas (a.k.a Huggy Bear.....who's obviously in the UK serving his duties on some 'reality' show, and needed the £25 on offer, for his short, but sweet cameo)

(Even Huggy Bear still manages some 'trim')

Harley turns to a ruthless businessman called Mr Harriman, who agrees to loan him the money he needs, but goes to great lengths to point out the danger of not paying it back. Harriman has an enforcer named 'Mr News' and although his dialogue is tough and hard bitten...the actor portraying him has no grasp of line dilivery, poise or timing. Added to his 'strabismus' affliction (yes, i looked it up....it means 'cross eyes') his ineptitude keeps the film afloat (just as it threatens to get respectable) I sincerely hope that the actors playing News and Weed (Joe Long & Jimmy Kent) get their own spin-off movie (it would probably go 'Straight-To-betamax'....it'd be THAT good)

(Mr News - a cheeky grin, a wink for the ladies, and bin-liners full of charisma, this actor is going places....preferably to my address with that pizza i ordered half an hour ago?)

And if the (ahem) star factor of Antonio Fargas wasn't enough, we are treat to a pointless (but always welcome) cameo from Tamer Hassan (co-star of many a 'cockney rat-boy' saga, himself) as a used car-salesman, who (like most sensible people in this movie) gives Harley a wide berth.

("Didn't you used to be in RED DWARF?" asks Tamer Hassan)

Maitland lines up the fight to end all fights, by sending for the hardest hitter he knows, Mr Coburn (another reference to the source material, methinks?) Coburn is another Geordie type ruffian (feared and revered, and likewise incapable of stringing a sentence together ) but the stakes are too high for Harley to resist, and he signs up Buchinsky for the fight. Little does he know, that Buchinsky (has decided to drop the flashbacks) and left town. Maitland resorts to kidnapping Weed (and Harleys pregnant girlfriend.) Just as it all seems lost....Buchinsky returns to face Maitland and Coburn, and rescue his friends. Buchinsky bets Maitlands business'. Maitland laughs at the suggestion that drifter could match his stake...and then the film-makers pull an eleventh hour twist. It seems that secretly, Buchinsky has sought backing from rival gangster Harriman. And a smug Mr News arrives in time (with all the confidence and demeanor of a carpet salesman) to match the bet.

(Boss eyed Joe, The Streetsweeper and an off-colour James Coburn, join forces)

Just as you pick yourself up from the floor (as you clearly left 'edge of seat' a while back) Buchinsky stipulates that he doesn't want to fight Coburn....but instead demands a 'straightener' with Maitland (as it transpires that the beating that Buchinsky took in the numerous flashbacks, was at the hands of Maitland)......and now it's payback time.

The fight is drawn out and brutal. Both men knock seven shade of shite out of one another. Battered (but not beaten) Buchinsky defeats Maitland.

Maitland the 'Mackem mauler' hangs his head, like a king dethroned. Mr News (with all the subtlety of a brain tumor) advises Maitland that he'll be round in the morning to reposses everything. Whilst ex pornstar/Buchinsky/Maitlands on/off girlfriend, melanie tends to the wounds of her fallen geordie warrior (i guess it shows were that slags loyality lies?) With his demons defeated, the (ever so mysterious) Buchinsky leave town, and Harley is informed of the side deal his hitter had arranged as part of the wager. Harley inherits all of Maitlands properties and assets (hooray...a happy ending)

SUCKER PUNCH is a cheap and cheerful movie. If you can accept some of the ropey performances, it's a fun little flick (my nephew and I have watched it a few times now, and can quote most of the dialogue) Ian Freemans 'Geordie' accent alone is funnier than anything Adam (fucking) Sandler has done (or ever will) The makers behind it, might not have the budgets that messers 'Ritchie' (or even Nick Love) posses. But they have a passion for storytelling, good taste in remakes, and a genuine interest in characterization (which points out the birth of Harleys child)
Weed is left (literaly) 'holding the baby', and it's a nice touch, that adds to what (i think) is a genuine low budget gem (but then again, i'm partial to Number One, starring Bob Geldof...what the fuck do i know?)

(You wouldn't trust this guy to 'hold-in' piss...let alone hold a newborn baby)

CHOICE DIALOGUE:

Maitland - "I'll match any bet, any man in this town could ever make"

(* = I'd better say that, in case he kicks my fucking head in)

ATTACK FORCE (2006) Steven Seagal

After a long delay (sorry guys, I've been watching back-to-back eisodes of DALLAS) I thought I'd return with a biggie (in every sense of the word) in the form of Steven Seagals 2006 (Sci-fi/Romanian mobster/is it/isn't it/sci-fi/horror/dub-fest) masterpiece ATTACK FORCE.

(The photoshopped 'slightly large head' should tell you all you need to know)

As usual with most of Seagals DTV movies, constant re-writes are as standard (titles also change....usually to work around the tried and tested '3 word formula', associated with the Stout Sensei's movies) SUBMERGED (another classic, i can't wait to review) was originally intended to be a movie about underwater sea-mutants (sounds fucking awesome) but eventually was dropped, in favour of the old 'special ops' mission movie (and only featured about 15 minutes screen time, actually in a submarine)
But in mid 2005, it was stated that HARVESTER was to be Stevens first foray into Sci-fi. Seagal would be battling a deadly alien queen, in a pumped up, kung fu version of SPECIES. Sadly, the plot was almost completely re-written...and any previously filmed scenes containing 'superhuman' strength, were altered to fit round a deadly new super drug called 'CTX Majestic'

But "how do you change the entire genre of an already filmed movie?"...i hear you ask. I'll tell you how...You dub the shit out of it (with voices that sound more like Peter Falk on angel dust) and frantically chop-and-change the scenes, whilst heavily doubling/dubbing your main star, and giving all the fight scenes to his sidekick. Thus is the (once seen, never forgotten) legend of ATTACK FORCE.

(When the sensei sees red, forgo your rights to breathe)

Seagal stars as (the incredibly named) Marshall Lawson, leader of an elite 'special Ops' unit. A role that Seagal can (and does) play in his sleep. We re first (rather confusingly) introduced to Lawson, as he drives around in a hummer, whilst action and explosions go on elsewhere. This sets a pattern in the movie, of having Lawson take a back seat, whilst the other brave idiots get their heads blown off. It's also apparent, that the voice we hear coming out Seagals mouth, is not his own. And to top it all off (the Peter Falk sound alike) is only one of the many voices that dub seagal throughout this movie (I'd say around 80% of Seagals lines are dubbed)

Anyhow, Lawson gets the drop on the surviving bad guy, from the earlier (seemingly unrelated) action...by disarming him of a foot long scythe-style blade, and returning it (like bad library book) back to the saps cranium. So-far, so-Seagal.....

(Marshall Lawson....The 'Fabio' of the C.I.A.)

Seagal is then seen in a bar in (not-so-sunny) Romania, with his trusty sidekick, Dwayne and the rest of his young rookie strike team. Later that night, the strike team talk amongst themselves about Lawson, and the newest rookie asks the immortal question (in a line of dialogue, that wipes the floor with John Barrowmans 'line' from SHARK ATTACK 3)

"So...Marshall Lawson, what do you guys know about him?......I mean the guy walks with an air of confidence, rarely seen in this day and age"

His colleagues laugh, but are quick to offer the following (self-congratulatory) piece of advice (that i'm sure Seagal himself added to the script)

"There's just two things you need to know about Marshall Lawson...one.....he's and bad motherfucker......and two...he's a BAD motherfucker"

With Lawsons (already) bad-ass credentials suitably set up, his team of young soldiers request a bit of R&R to view some of Romania's cultural high spots, to visit it's many fine monuments and to take in those sweeping vistas......Actually they head straight for the nearest (quote) "Titty-Bar" and soon strike up a deal with this shady looking (Richard Hammond-alike) below, for 'use' of one of his (ahem) 'Ladies of the night'

(This bad guy sells TOP GEAR....geddit?)

Take note of this 'Richard Hammond-alike' as (apparently) he's the criminal mastermind, behind the ensuing carnage to follow. Oh, and it's probably not the best time to mention that this actor was recently jobbing it, as the resident doctor in EASTENDERS (a career high or low, depending on if you can stay awake throughout this review...let alone the actual movie?)

Anyhow, the 3 man unit, take the 'Lady' back to their hotel, for some 'naughty' R&R, and amidst the 3-way rumpo, the woman's eyes change from normal to cat like (in probably the movies FX highlight) This sequence was probably the left-over stuff from the (planned) HARVESTER footage. Anyhow soon this dusky beauty is tearing the 3 man unit into a 12 piece (red) puddle.

And it's in this small sequence, when there's a genuine glimmer of what sci-fi/horror potential this movie might have had. Even the rookie (who praised Lawson earlier ) and wasn't getting much Romanian Rumpo anyhow...is not spared the wrath of this eye-changing alien queen...(err sorry, i mean 'under the influence' psychopath of superhuman strengh)

Of course, Lawson discovers the mutilated bodies (despite casually slamming their lifeless bodies out of his way, when they block his doorway) and despite their hotel room being covered in more blood than humanly possible for 3 guys, Lawson (after little soul-searching) confidently tells Dwayne (as he checks the bodies for pulses) "Don't bother...they're dead" (Lawson is a pro, and knows shit like this)


Understandably pissed (but nicely coiffed) I'd like to say that Lawson goes on a kill crazy rampage of death and destruction.....When in reality, all he does is tries to get clearance into his old CIA building, and peacefully walks away, when refused entrance (but his hearts in the right place) But luckily Lawson has a mole that still works for the 'Company' .....a leggy blonde named Tia (who was once Lawsons lover, and probably still is?)

Anyhow, Lawson sits in a few restaurants, whilst Dwayne 'pumps' him with 'intel' (f'nar, f'nar) about the investigation. It seems that the Richard Hammond look-a-like has been arrested, but the authorities can't touch him. Although soon (and rather confusingly) enough, Lawson and his team get the drop on the prostitute that murdered his unit. Lawson may well grimace over a threatened outbreak of 'CTX Majestic' into Romania's water supply, but i'd be slightly more wary of his on/off girlfriend Tia (as the drugged up prostitute throws her through 3-4 walls...and she gets up, as if she'd been thrown through polystyrene....which she actually was.....but we the humble viewer are not meant to know that)

(Ouch..........Ouch...........Ouch!)

Lawson (sick of fucking around) gives the superhuman bint a few slaps, before questioning her. It gets nowhere, so he stabs the shit out of her (with her own weapons, the previously mentioned scythe like wrist blades) Soon Tia (when she's not getting thrown through walls) uses all her C.I.A technology, and (confusingly) adapts the same weapons to react to Lawsons (no doubt) 'amazing' hand speed. I don't know how the fuck she does it, but we (the lucky viewer are treat to a computer read out, stating: ASSIMILATION COMPLETE) which means one thing...enough of this fighting women shit....LAWSONS ABOUT TO KICK SOME FUCKING ASS!!!!!

Anyhow, the threatened CTX pollution of the towns water supplies goes ahead. And various army units (not Lawson, by the way) siege an attack against the infected (who all have the same 'cat-eye' look and murderous intent)

(Even the smiles were forced on the set of this movie)

After a few fistfights (errr....none of them featuring Lawson) our heroes finally dispatch the bad guy, before coming face to face with another (fucking) woman (seriously Steve, only Ike Turner would approve) and whilst Dwayne fights various bad guys (in some pretty nifty scraps) Lawson is forced (and probably content) to fight another superhuman female (who kicks his ass a little) before he lovingly impales his blade through her skull.

(Seagal attempts to win the 'Rick-James-Mano-O-Womano' smack down of 2006)

After such a monumental battle of (not quite) epic proportions, you'd expect the film-makers to inject a final scene (that could possibly hint to a sequel, or at least tie up the 47 loose threads)....but no. Lawson helps Dwayne limp out, and the next shot is a car driving away. Picture fades, end credits appear.