Monday, 11 April 2011


I'm not sure who's the audience wanting a sequel to SHARK ATTACK (1999) or a director assuming they had any right to make one. Both NU IMAGE and director David Worth had to deliver the goods this time (not too hard a task, given the mundane, almost pedestrian potboiler that the predecessor was)

Picture opens in Cape Town, South Africa, were sisters Samantha and Amy are indulging in a spot of underwater diving around a sunken vessel. Amy is attacked by a huge Great White Shark (or GWS, to save time) but not before Samantha manages to gouge out it's eye with her knife, before swimming to safety, and looking to even the score with towards our rubbery looking villain.

'One Week Later' (as the caption informs us) we cut to the soon-to-open 'Waterworld' fun park (JAWS III anyone?) and shifty (be-wigged) owner MichaelFrancisco arrives to snarl at his workforce (including weasel-like dogsbody Walker) and read the riot-act to marine expert Nick Harris (the permanently-shit-grinning hero of the movie)

Two kids spot a great white shark in the nearby inlet, who promptly eats their motorised boat. News of a GWS in these waters attracts the attention of the greedy Francisco, who then hires Nick to capture it alive and exhibit it as a "Star Attraction" for the opening of waterworld. Nick is reluctant, but threatened with his job if he doesn't come up with the goods.

Nick hires the services of two (inept fucker-upperer) brothers named Tom and Marcus Miller (and their not so mighty vessel 'The Wet Dream') to locate and drug the shark and bring it back to the underwater resort. Tom shits bricks upon seeing the shark they've captured, prompting Marcus to quip "I could use a beer, and Tom could use a change of underwear"

(Fins aint what they used to be)

News of the star attraction reaches a still traumatised Samantha (who recognises the one eyed monster as the beast that ate her sister) forcing her to don a 'ninja' outfit, break into Waterworld and attempt to shotgun blast the GWS's head open...before being thwarted by Nick. Despite the initial tension between the two, it's only a matter of time before both of them are 'bumping uglies'

The big opening day arrives and (dodgy looking) Mayor Shandu (Mercenary For Justice) is 'blah-blah'blah-ing' the press, as an anxious Francisco goes against Nicks orders and has the shark fed, as spectators are watching it through a glass window. Old 'One-Eye' goes apeshit, pulling on not only the food, but dragging in some luckless fucker into the tank, then literally tears him a new one, in front of the horrified gaze of a dozen or so kids.

One-Eye makes it out of the gates, but not before Nick attaches a tracking device. Francisco (bastard he is) blames Nick, and fires him. Forcing our erstwhile hero to hit the bottle (for a whole ten minutes) whilst subjected to the inane platitudes of salty sea dog (cum barman) TJ. Nick locates Samantha and explains that he's going to find the shark with his tracking device. And much chauvinistic "I'll go alone" remarks from Nick are matched with liberated "I can look after myself" retorts from a stroppy Samantha.

(The estimable TJ and his crowded bar)

Heading to meet the Miller brothers, Nick notices brash Australian celebrity hunter Roy Bishop (replete with ropey "G'day" accent and combat shorts, he sounds more like a cockney) and the two engage in a brief round of one-upmanship, before parting ways (the character of 'Roy Bishop' is clearly the Simon McCorkindale of the movie)

(Mockodile Dundee)

Arriving at the 'HMS Wet Dream' nick is stunned to see Samantha has already hired the boat, forcing Nick to reach a truce with the spunky blonde. But not before we discover (bizarrely) that Tom Miller has a penchant for downloading Internet porn? Little facts like this 'pearl' make all the difference, as far as I'm concerned.

Francisco arrives (out of nowhere) and reintroduces Nick to Roy (who's been hired by Waterworld, to find the missing shark) and the pair exchange more "fuck you-isms" (and Nick making Village People comparisons to Francisco and his new workforce) Nick, Samantha and the Miller Boys head off, and it's not long before the tracking device picks up signals from old one eye.

(I'm all out of 'FIN' gags...sorry folks!)

The shark attacks the boat, and a courageous Samantha gets to go ape-shit with her trusty shotgun, but to no avail. When 'One-Eye' (literally) rocks the boat, samantha falls overboard, but is rescued by Nick. Life-saving-Trimmage-repayment may only be a saxophone note away, but the shark is still out there. Making matters worse the 'Wet Dream' breaks down, and is subsequently rescued by Roy in his much bigger, flashier, expensive ship/cruise-liner.

(The new TAMPAX ads recieved one or two complaints)

Samantha is still having nightmares that the shark is still out there (replete with 'Discovery Channel' footage) but her fears are shortly forgotten the next day, when Aussie Roy proudly holds a press-conference at his capture of a shark (despite the fact, it's nowhere as big as One Eye) Francisco assures the public that the beaches are safe, but Nick is skeptical the Steve Irwin wannabe has caught the right fish.

(Be careful Nick, that Squirrel is looking for nuts)

The miller Boys boat is still under repair, so Nick uses the day, to take Samantha on a day out (accompanied to a truly turgid soul song) as they indulge in such romantic activities, like feeding squirrels, or standing alongside active cannons (prompting Samantha to exhibit the goofiest laugh ever committed to celluloid)

(You can see where AVATAR got it's ideas from)

Cue nighttime, and Nick sends in a 'borrowed' Hydrovision sub-cam to follow the shark signal in a nearby cave. However his monitor shows that there's at least six of the Great White fuckers. Whats worse is, these sharks are related to the experimental species from SHARK ATTACK I (although they incorrectly quote the previous scientist as Dr Craven....can't remember him?) and that they're growing at an accelerated level.

('TAKE THAT' were excited to be playing Mystery Gigs)

Taking this information to both Francisco and Mayor Shandu, Nick is non-plussed to discover that they chooser Roy to lead the search for the sharks. But (a few shark nets aside) the beaches remain open, and the 'Surfing Contest' is given the go-ahead as planned. Nick and Samantha patrol the beeches, whilst hotshot Roy goes searching for the shark cave.

Lowering two steel cages into the water, Roy and a (clearly expendable) assistant underestimate the power of these Sea-beasts, and aforementioned assistant to chomped upon, whilst Roy narrowly escapes.

(Words fail me)

Back at the beach, everyone is having fun...until that is Nicks tracking device goes apeshit (culminating in the now famous JAWS 'zoom in/pan out' shot) and all hell breaks loose. Several surfers are chowed down by packs of hungry sharks. Samantha stands mortified whispering sweet "Oh My God's" at the resulting carnage, whilst Nick 'borrows' a jet-ski' and attempts to save Marcus, but is too late as three (patently fake looking) sharks rip him apart.

(Turds fail me)

Pissed to the hilt,Nick tears Francisco and Shandu a new arsehole and swears revenge against the sharks. At this point (the usually topless) Roy is humbled by his near death experience (by wearing a buttoned up shirt) and makes friends with Nick (who incidentally, wears an unbuttoned about 'power shift) and together with Samantha, they put their differences aside and join forces.

Rigging up a similar (yet more powerful) sonar reactor, Nick trades in his 'Lifesaving-Nookie' card with Samantha (cue the Kenny G solo) and the next morning they head out in Roy's boat, replete with mini-sub, that's (quote) "Bought from Jacques Cousteau", 20 pound of underwater explosives, and a waterproof GLOCK 9. In a heartfelt melding of emotions and expert planning, Roy proudly proclaims "Let's go blow some shit up!"

(Nick pops a cap in it's sorry Great White ass)

The plan is simple, use the sonic waves to attract the sharks, then attach the explosives to the mini sub, and let the sharks follow it to the cave. Unfortunately, the sharks damage the mini sub (with the detonation counting down) so Roy must play martyr and self guide it in. Nick puts the GLOCK 9 to good use and blows it's fucking brains out. Sadly though, the other sharks set upon the Aussie huntsman, and all Nick and Samantha can do is flee the scene and wait for the explosion.

One Ka-boom! later, guess who floats to the surface, clutching a gnarled arm and a dodgy accent...none other than Roy Fucking Bishop. Shit-eating grins all round, titles roll, movie ends. Congratulations are 90 minutes older!

SHARK ATTACK II (however derivative of the JAWS franchise) is a breath of fresh air, after it's lack-luster predecessor. Sure the 'pop-up' sharks look like enamel novelty rubbish bins, plus they roar louder than a dinosaur. I'm not sure how people talk and communicate with each other underwater, either. And to top it off, the performances are strictly SUNSET BEACH calibre...but at least it puts the sharks (and more importantly, their attacks) forefront of the picture. Whilst not as 'out-there' and fiendishly bad as the subsequent SHARK ATTACK III, it's still a great night in, to be enjoyed with like minded drinking buddies, laughing away, whilst spotting the many references to 1975 Spielberg classic. Highly Recommended!

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