Happy Birthday Steven Seagal

Today the 'Stout Sensei' is 60 years young. Despite the (many) digs at his size, or the quality of his recent movies...the guy has such a screen presence* (whether you like him or not) and is still one of the most credible action stars around today. From the top-flight bone-breaking 'hardcore' classics like OUT FOR JUSTICE and MARKED FOR DEATH to the absurdities of ATTACK FORCE and OUT FOR A KILL, Seagal has been entertaining audiences now, for well over 20 years (not bad for a guy who debuted in a lead role for a major studio at 37 years of age) On top of that, the guy writes, produces, directs, sings and is a tireless campaigner for many humanitarian charities around the world. Oh, and did i forget he's an expert 7th Dan Aikido master!

Straight-To-DVD-Heaven salutes you Steven Seagal, have a great Birthday Sir




(* He was easily the best thing about 2010's MACHETE)

SHARK ATTACK (1999) Casper Van Dien

Kicking off 'Shark Week' is the first NU IMAGE foray into fishy waters. After many abortive attempts at watching this movie over the years, I've fought off sleep, (house-cleaning, bill-paying and other more 'fun' activities) and finally sat through it all the way for the first time, to review it today. Extra bricks for my kingdom in DVD heaven...I'm sure?

Marc DeSantis, a marine biologist is snooping around the waters of Port Amanzi, South Africa at night-time. He checks his high-tech underwater equipment and returns to his boat to reports his findings on his laptop. He then attempts to email his research to a certain 'Steven McKray'...but due to his 'late 90's ' Internet speed (probably still faster than UK services now) he never gets to send the message, as he is knocked unconscious by goon#1 and goon#2 (#2 being a dead ringer for Flavor Flav) who promptly slash his arm, and throw him into the midnight sea...and thus into the 'Business End' of a passing Tiger Shark....Ouch!!

(Napster was never THIS reliable?)

Fellow biologist Steven McKray (the lamentable Casper Van Dien) eventually receives this 'Half email' (I didn't think that was possible...and the information is already on the screen before Steven double-clicks the header anyhow?) along with several gruesome pictures detailing a large number of recent shark attacks in Port Amanzi (to which he replies "HOLY COW".....Sorry McKray, wrong species) McKray heads to South Africa (were quite frankly it's cheaper to film) and find out about the missing e-mail info...although he could just try using a slightly older form of technology (i.e, a phone) don't ask me, I just review these movies?

("....and to think, I was once in PENITENTIARY II?")

Upon arriving at Port Amanzi, Steven notices several disgruntled fisherman and 'business-hit' townsfolk up in arms about the shark attacks which are affecting trade in the area. Many shops are closed, and the town has gone to the dogs (or is that 'Sharks'? ho-ho) In fact the only islander with any kind of cheery optimism is Lawrence Rhodes (the ever-busy Ernie Hudson replete with an accent that makes Sir John Gielgud sound ebonical) a major landowner in Amanzi, who seems smugly defiant at the towns dwindling fortunes (subplot, per-chance?)

("Whoever said you could ever work with men....You fucking child!")

Steven is assigned Mani (Tony Caprari, clearly channeling his 'inner-Pacino' by looking like Carlito Brigante, yet sounding like Tony Montana) a local driver/boats-man to assist the marine biologist around the island.

(Doogie Howser thought the beard might attract the girls/boys)

Steven visits his friend (idealistic) scientist Dr. Miles Craven (Bentley Mitchum) who is researching the link between shark cells and curing cancer. Miles (smoking like a chimney, despite being in a research lab) casually explains to Steven, that Marc DeSantis died when his boat sank in shark-infested waters.

("We've got a Seiko-pathic killer on the loose!")

Steven meets up with DeSantis' sister, Corinne (Jenny McShane) who explains that her brothers arm was found (sporting a Rolex and not his usual scuba-diving watch) and smells something fishy (fishy..geddit?) During such a heart-felt emotion mixed with frightening intrigue, the film-makers remind us that this is a NEW IMAGE movie, by having Steven kicking several shades of shit out some local (disgruntled) fishermen in a bar.

("What do you mean, they've finished casting Starship Troopers 2?")

Steven and Corinne (along with sidekick Mani) conduct a Scooby-doo-style investigation themselves, by visiting the waters were Marc conducted his experiments, but are attacked by a ferocious Great White Shark* and make it out alive, by the skin of their (white-capped) teeth.

("weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!")

Arguing (again) with the local fisherman at the docks, we are (thankfuly) sparred another round of fisticuffs, when a Great White Shark attacks a young child in a small canoe (strange given that the town is rife with recent deaths, that a child be left unattended in the water?) But this doesn't deter Steven from jumping straight into the water (with harpoon in hand) and successfully save the child, just like Tarzan (another Chaacter Van Dien would later play/ruin/bastardize)

("Now lets see yours?")

Steven and Corinne go back to Dr Miles' lab, were he is conducting an autopsy on a deceased shark. It transpires that the devices Marc planted in the water, expanded the sharks livers, from which he could acquire more cells for his research.He reassures them that his experiments and the attacks are completely unrelated. Later that night Steven, Corinne and Mani attempt to subdue a shark with drugged meat, but end up killing it anyhow (nice, eh?) and after cutting it open, they discover that Miles' experiment has an aftereffect of turning the sharks into ever-hungry death machines.



Granite-jawed all-American Steven soon has his nerves of ice put to the test again, when the next day, he (once again) jumps into the water to save some bimbette from getting her shapely leg bitten off by another killer shark. They mention this attack (plus their suspicions) to (the ever-concerned) Lawrence Rhodes (during dinner) who can only offer (quote) "A cup of coffee and a fine cigar" as scant compensation to his guests.

(Hope Dr Miles kept the receipt for that teddy-bear?)

Miles takes Steven and Corinne to the local clinic, and introduces them to young Thaddeus, a boy seemingly cured of cancer, thanks to his 'shark-cell' research. Steven (surprisingly) unimpressed, confronts Miles outside, and gives him a lecture on "Playing God" Before walking off in a huff (likely pissed off at not inventing the cure for cancer himself)


Our Hero and heroine construct a steel cage, and set about checking on the underwater findings (via, the underwater devices that Marc had planted) and are attacked again by Killer sharks. During this, Mani is also knocked unconscious by goons #1 & #2 . Once again, Stevens ingenuity saves the day. Although upon reaching dry-land, they are kidnapped by the goons and tied together and thrown into the sea. Thankfully it's near Marc's wreckage, so Steven finds a air canister (what a stroke of luck!) so the hapless goons assume our heroes have been eaten and sail away.


Taking their evidence to Rhodes who (suddenly and rather uncharacteristically giving half a shit) calls the police. But as the 'pigs' arrive, Steven notices that the po-po are none other than goons 1&2 (political subtext, anyone?) So the pair flee the scene, but not before a nifty car-chase throughout the village (hey, this is a NU IMAGE movie, after all) Evading the goons, Steven and Corinne return to the clinic, to find little Thaddeus near deaths door (once more). It turns out that Miles' has fucked up, and his cure is only short-term (which probably amuses the omnipotent Steven) Breaking into Miles lab, Steven and Corinne find the good doctor is waiting for them. After much heated debate, about ethics, Steven makes off with Miles' research disc (because he's the lantern jawed hero) whilst Corinne is captured (because she's a woman, and therefore needs rescuing?)

("I was fresh out of activator, so had to use petroleum")

Steven, together with Mani ransack Rhodes office and find out that Port Amanzi is built on prime oil development land. Rhodes is using Miles' shark drugs to increase their appetite, thus either eating (or scaring) off the locals, so he gets to own the oil all for himself (and i thought Larry Hagman was a mean bastard?)

(Never take a knife to a gunfight, Flav)

However, Steven has a back-up plan when rescuing Corinne , in the form of an army of disgruntled fisherman, who storm the lab, and help out in the ensuing gunfights. Mani screams "Santa Maria" before sacrificing his boat to crash into the lab, and even goon#2 (aka Flavor Flav) unwisely giggles "I enjoyed feeding your brother to the sharks" to clearly miffed Corinne, who shoots him dead. Mani is injured. Rhodes kills the (apparently innocent) Miles (with a harpoon) and makes off in his helicopter, but not before Steven has climbed on board and thrown both of them into the water, culminating in a water fight that sees Rhodes end up as tomorrows shark-shit.

("Whilst you're down there, Casper?")

SHARK ATTACK is a muddled movie, in which there isn't enough shark-action. The flick could easily be called GUN ATTACK (as more people die at the hand of guns, than fish throughout the running time) It's all rather plodding, so it lacks the 'so-bad-it's-good' quality
The south African accents are terrible, but on the plus side, there's some nice scenery. The shark footage is OK, but obvious....Which is a shame because the briefly glimpsed 'Shark' model they used, looked pretty good to me.

(The new moustache wasn't an instant hit)

The aforementioned 'science' is baffling, but no less bizarre than casting Casper Van Dien as a marine biologist (as he resembles a 'surfer lovechild' between Lorenzo Lamas and Viggo Mortensen) Jenny McShane doesn't fare much better, but at least wears a bikini throughout (and she made up for any misgivings in 2002's masterpiece SHARK ATTACK III)
Ultimately though, SHARK ATTACK suffers from flat direction, and an over complex plot device that actually isn't actually about sharks. You sort of wish with B-movies like this, that they actually tried to rip JAWS off a bit more?

("Actually, now you come to mention PENITENTIARY II")

Best Quote in movie:

Dr Miles "That was pointless"

Worst Quote in movie:

Rhodes "This has been quite entertaining"


NOTE: Despite the disclaimer on the end credits that (quote) "No sharks were actually harmed during the making of the movie"...the two shark autopsy scenes are (all too) realistic looking for such a low budget movie as this one. Any ESA members...look away now!

Shark Week (April 9th - 15th)

Given that JAWS is the only movie to (still) scare me to this day, it doesn't stop me from finding the glut of DTV 'Shark' movies, a cheerful and cheesy (much maligned) genre. So I'm having a Shark Week starting Saturday 9th April, and will be reviewing some lame stinkers (past and present) up until Friday 15th April...........Read them, before you go swimming!

DEATH RING (1992) Mike Norris

Before i go any further with my inane (poorly spelt) ramblings, may i take the time to apologise for not reviewing this classic movie sooner. DEATH RING is a stone cold classic (that my nephew and myself, never tire of watching) and it's also one of the rare cases of a movie that's better than a lot of the flicks it's (clearly) ripping off.

Matt Collins (Mike Norris, son of Chuck) is a decorated (yet unemployed) 'Special Forces Lieutenant' who has just won a televised 'Tough Guy endurance' competition...which (unfortunately for him) attracts the attention of perverse millionaire 'Danton Vachs' (Billy Drago, son of a bitch, i guess?)

('Self Explanatory' picture #1)

Vachs puts together human-hunting weekends for rich clients, and impressed by Matts stamina, thinks he's found the perfect prey for his next hunt (after a disappointing 'hunt' last year) Vachs (replete with Chinese henchwoman, Miss Ling) sends out his goons to capture Matt, and bring him to his island. What he doesn't know is, Matt is not only resourceful...but he's a 'Double-Hard Bastard' to boot!


("Fuck The Great Escape" thought Chad McQueen)

Oblivious to all of this, Matt is going through the usual routine "Poor me and my rich girlfriend" self-recriminating shit. Matt feels he should be the one 'bringing home the bacon' (so to speak) instead of his wealthy girlfriend Lauren. He has another shoulder to blubber on, in the shape of ex-army buddy 'Skylord' Harris (Chad McQueen, son of Steve) a laid back 'Bret Michaels' wannabe biker boy, who apparently is (quote) "Like all birds, clumsy on the ground...but in the air there's nobody better" and has also saved Matts life during combat service.


(Hey, even bad guys gotta 'date' too)

One softcore sex-scene later, both Matt and Lauren are kidnapped by Vach's goons and taken to meet their captor. Skylord gets on the case, rushing around town, doing the whole "Have you seen this tattoo" shamus shit, kicking a little ass, and forsaking the obligatory 'Playboy trimmage', on his quest to find his buddies.


(An unpleased Skylord is asked "Is that a gun in your pocket?")

Matt awakes on Vachs island, and is introduced to the hunters (a motley bunch of crude stereotypes) and is also reunited with Lauren, who will act as an incentive for him putting on a good chase for the hunters....who all introduce themselves at the dinner table:


Apache (Henry Kingi) a strong silent 'Red-Indian' type, who cites his specialist skills as "Apache". When asked "Is that it?".....He replies "It's enough!"


The Iceman (Victor Quintero) who simply introduces himself as "Soldier Of Fortune"


Mr Chen (George Kee cheung) ex KCIA (and chief decapitator from 'The Exterminator')


Mr Temple (Donegan Smith) a Casey Kasem looking attorney/infamous hunter/evil bastard


Mr Cross (Bramscombe Richard) a briefly glimpsed, rather pissed off hunter who makes the mistake of badmouthing Vach, mid-speech (no-one puts 'Billy' in the corner) and is promptly stabbed with a fork, before being kicked to death by Danton for his troubles.


(Vach gets 'Fork-in-Cross')

Eighteen kicks later (yep, i counted them) plus one more for luck Vachs has his two female bodyguards (Bambi & Thumper) to remove the body, before launching into another long winded Billy Drago-esque speech (replete with crazy hand gestures, and pseudo cod-psychology) and even has a 'weapons lottery', by drawing numbered balls and giving out (racially stereotypical) weapons to the hunters, and showing off the elusive prize for the winner....the FUCKING DEATH RING!!!!!! (Oh yeah!)

('Self Explanatory' picture #2)

The next morning, Matt is given a four hour head start by Vachs, but not before vowing to get back at his captor. Vachs promises to let Matt and Lauren walk free, as long as he "evades the hunters" But on a deserted island, Matt can run....but is unlikely to hide. During his headstart, we are treat to the hunters getting psyched up (Apache lights a fire and shouts war cries...Iceman lifts weights...Mr Chen and Temple swap some spiritual mumbo-jumbo, whilst meditating)

(Drago stipulated that only HE could move his hands, during dialogue)


Matt meanwhile (in true Rambo style) makes a few traps out of branches, and covers his face in dirt as camouflage (although his stonewashed 501's and bright green shirt may betray such noble intentions) Vachs has his hunters drink snakeblood, before launching into another incoherent ramble (but hey, this IS Billy Drago, afterall) before finally unleashing the hunters. Apparently Vachs has his hunters microphoned, so along with Miss Ling, he sits back in his mansion and listens to the carnage firsthand.


("Hips or Lips?")


First up, Mr Chen gets the drop on Matt. After much kung-foolery, the 'oriental gentleman' is caught in a makeshift trap and stabbed. A victorious Matt shouts more of the obligatory "I'm coming to get you" crapola to (an unimpressed) Vachs. Skylord putting the clues together back home and during his snooping, is kidnapped by a strange man (who, thankfully has no famous relatives) and turns out to be after Vachs himself. He forces a beat up goon (from pic #5) to spill the beans on Vachs island and sends Skylord off to find his friend.


(Well, i've gotta try attract female readers to this blog as well)


Wandering through the woods, Matt falls down a hole and is at first attacked and then befriended by John Blackwell (Don Swayze, brother of the late lamented Patrick) who explains that he's hid down the cavern, since evading the last lot of hunters. Problem is, Blackwell has injured his leg, but together the two 'huntee's' decide that two heads are better than one (even if Swayze's head looks like a 'shrunken' version of his brothers) and set out to turn the tables on the remaining hunters.

(and homosexual readers, also)


And along comes Apache (replete with tomahawk) races at Matt, and after much fuck-uppage is promptly skewered/murdered, in a scene likely to evoke memories of the cheyanne massacre from Soldier Blue. During another bout of "I'm gonna get you's" by Matt, Vachs overhears Blackwells voice, to which the injured huntee replies "Yeah, it's me...back from the dead and ready to kick your ass"


(Typical Republicans in '92'....hiding behind Bush)


Sensing the prey is imminent (a clearly insane) Mr Temple garrotes The Iceman (talk about 'helping the enemy') and takes his trademark machete before engaging in a battle with Matt. This sets the scene for some great metaphorical dialogue before the ruckus:

(The iceman Gonneth)

Temple "I've never lost at anything...not in law, not with women, not in games. I'm grateful for you being so skilled, it's kept me from my first failure"

Matt "Jury's still out on this case"

Temple "I've heard they reached a verdict" (before lunging with a huge machete)


(Temple proved to be a bit of a redneck)


Matt gets a few kicks in, but Temple starts to kick the shit out of him. Just as Temple moves in for the kill, Blackwell bashes the fuck out of the psychotic lawyers neck, thus saving Matts life (and inching closer to a man-o-mano with Vach at his island fortress)

(Yep, Ray Liotta and Michael Jackson DID breed)

Both Matt and Blackwell storm Vachs liar (making short shrift of the many guards) and hey look, Skylord pulls up in a fucking helicopter. I guess we can now expect a showdown between Matt and Vachs, and Lauren against Miss Ling? In a noble act of chivalry, Matt spares us a female rumble by kicking Miss Ling out the fucking window, before getting into a swordfight with Vach...resulting in much more 'rhubarb, rhubarb' from Drago, before a messy decapitation takes care of the perverted millionaire.

("Gillette...the best a perverted millionaire can get!")

Matt and Lauren are reunited, Skylord drops in to say hello. Old friends are reunited and new friends (i.e, Blackwell) are introduced. Just as all this shit seems tied up, Matt is suddenly attacked by Miss Fucking Ling (one tough bitch, she be) Lauren shoots her a new asshole though...so despite my assertion that Matt Collins is indeed a "Double-Hard-Bastard"...he has (in fact) been saved from imminent death by nearly every good guy in this movie.

("Come to Drago's eaterie....Just $10 a head")


With Vachs island fortress loaded with explosions, and the good guys about to fly away to freedom, Matt leaves the safety of the helicopter and runs back to the mansion, but returns seconds later. Airbound and shit-eating grins aside, Lauren asks her intended why he went back to the mansion for. Matt lifts up his hand, and proudly announces "THE DEATH RING" (classic end to a classic movie...with a pay off rivaled only by Martin Kove's 'pour-beer-on-own-head' finale from 'Project Shadowchaser')

(Got-Gold-Get-Gash)

Death Ring may lack the budget of HARD TARGET, or the 'first-generation' cast of SURVIVING THE GAME...But for my money (which admittedly is paltry) DEATH RING is one the finest 'Most Dangerous Game' rip-offs out there. And a must for fans of STV movies, and Billy Drago completests everywhere (of which I am) For good solid storytelling, above average production values and performances, DEATH RING is one to 'Hunt' down (geddit...hunt....ha-ha-ha!...I made a funny!)

BTW, was it intentional to have characters named Mr Cross and Mr Blackwell in the same movie?.....I soupose it was....Ha-Ha..I'm on a (Bread) roll with the gags...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (cough, splutter, spits out cheap cider, etc)

DEATH WARRIOR (2009) Hector Echavarria

With the most generic title since Attack Force, DEATH WARRIOR is a nifty little MMA flick, written by and starring Hector Echavarria. The movie combines elements from CRANK, SAW (even the UK's own KILLER BITCH or Middlesbrough Lensed THE TOURNAMENT)

(Professor Joe Butcher looked on.....)

Hector Echavarria plays Reinero, world champion MMA fighter (and Wayne Newton/Tony Anthony lookalike) who (still at the top of his game) is looking forward to a much-hyped fight between himself and (his secret buddy) Wolf (played by piss poor B A Baracus) Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson. Immediately, we see that beyond the tough talk of the two men...they are in fact good friends, and merely talk shit to sell the fights (wow, already making 'dirty trick' movies about a relatively new sport) Fight promoter Russell, Reinero's wife kira, plus best friend (lantern chinned) Andre (and his sluttish sister, Sophia) look on. Life (it seems) can get no better for the champ and those around him....So far, so humdrum.

("You want a rose, an anchor......Or 'Mother'?)

Until one night, following a bout of (soft core, body doubled) rumpo with his missus, Reinero and wife are attacked by a mysterious swat team, and forced at gunpoint to listen to the sub-par Pacino impression given by criminal mastermind, Ivan (Nick Mancuso, clearly a long way from UNDER SIEGE, and seemingly coked up to the nines) who then injects Kira with a slow acting poison, and forces Reinero to fight in secretly filmed online death matches with other fighters in the same predicament, in reward for his wife's antidote. Reinero is knocked unconscious (requiring three pistol whips to the head, hard bastard that he is)

(Look ma.....No glands!)

Upon waking up, Reinero assures his wife that he'll get to the bottom of this, and attends his first meet up with (surprise, sur-fucking-prise) Wolf, and the two desperate men must fight it out to the death. Some 'Sonny Chiba' x-ray shots later, Wolf is dead and Reinero is even more pissed off...and what's worse, he thinks one of his friends may be working in cahoots with Ivan (with suspects and red herrings aplenty like these, it's a shame that Agatha Christie isn't around to rent this movie out, and enjoy the homage to her craft)

(One down...Next stop Bradley Coopers house!)

Reinero, gets into several other scrapes with several other fighters, before putting two and two together, and figuring out the bad guy...But not until we've been treat to several dozen 'avid fart' moments of sped up traffic, nighttime Aeriel shots, Silicone enhanced bimbos and the sort of hammy overacting by Nick Mancuso, that would have Billy Drago wincing in his bodyguard encrusted mansion.

(Down a bit, Nick)

Much more of the above ensues before a final online Mano-O-Mano between Reinero and (longtime buddy) Andre is staged. With Reinero's wife locked up in Ivan's palace (under constant threat of rape), and Andre's sister wearing an explosive necklace...both guys must fight to the death, but (with so much at respective stake) who will survive (here's a fucking clue...not Andre!)

(Drugs are for mugs, and crack is indeed...whack!)

And just when you think this movie with all it's elaborate SAW-like torture devices and chained fighting contraptions couldn't afford the bus fare from 'Insane St' to 'Ludicrous-ville'....it ends with MMA champ Reinero squaring off with (63 year old) Ivan, in a sword fight with the online cameras still rolling.

(Death Warrior meets Crystal Meth Warrior)

Torn between treating this movie with the resent it (probably) deserves, yet loving the high-fat 'cheese' content, it did keep me thinking throughout the movie. Although Hector Echavarria is the obvious hero of the movie, none of his opponents were genuine bad guys (as they all were blackmailed into this, as he was) so the (sub-par) 'linkin Park' soundtrack throughout the rumbles felt inappropriate (as did the 'Let's-see-what-bone-has-been-broken-here' CGI shots) But maybe I'm thinking too much about it.

(Reinero autographs tits, as his unimpressed wife looks on)

Hector Echavarria has that sort of Seagal-like arrogance to his character (i.e, his hair is bit iffy, and in between fights, everyone talks about great he is) But he adds that extra level of douche-ness, bye actually autographing two bimbos chesticles, right in front of his wife (who then gives him a night of red-hot 'in-out'....and also obliges him later on in the movie, despite being at deaths door)

(A briefly glimpsed shot of what i can only assume to be, an Arab gentleman?)

As previously mentioned, highlight of the movie is Nick Mancuso, who certainly earns the $40 they paid him to star in the movie. Not content with the wild eyes, he goes on full-out Pacino mode on several occasions (leading to some cracking dialogue) I'd recommend that he never switch dealers, and keep giving scenery-chewing performances like this one, in many more movies to come.

(It's not THAT sort of movie, folks!)

DEATH WARRIOR has a little more going for it than most MMA movies of recent. It's melding of genres, and a few elaborate scenarios set it apart from routine stuff (for example STREET WARRIOR or CIRCLE OF PAIN) And if Hector Echavarria is wooden, then Nick Mancuso adds the required polish (i.e, general shouting, and 'I-Don't-Give-A-Fuckness') to bring about a shine to proceedings.

(Nick Mancuso demmands payment in cocaine)

The big question is....Do i keep this movie, or stick it on my DVD stall?

(As do 'We'...........the audience)