CA$H (2010) Sean Bean

CA$H limped direct to DVD in the UK (after a limited US release, where it made a piss-poor $47, 000 at the Box Office) However, don't let the 'DTV' premier and low returns put you off, what is clearly one of the best crime thrillers of the last decade.



Sean Bean plays Pyke Kubic, an English criminal (replete with 'Ecky Thump' Yorkshire accent) who comes to Chicago to visit his twin brother Reeve, who is banged up for a bank robbery. Reeve tells Pyke that he threw the suitcase of loot off a bridge, before the cops caught him, and that it landed on an old 'Buick' Station-wagon.



The recipient of the windfall is Sam Phelan, who along with his cash-strapped wife, Leslie decide to keep the money (which totals over $600, 000) for themselves, and it's through their materialistic greed (plus their stupidity of paying for everything with Cash) that Pyke tracks them down (via Car Payment receipts)

Pyke (in true TERMINATOR style) knocks on a few wrong doors, in his quest to find the money. He stumbles across Glenn (SHOWGIRLS) Plummer (playing a character called 'Glenn The Plumber') And he also puts the loud-mouthed Plumber (plus a few misconceptions about tough talking Afro-Caribbeans) in their place, bfore moving onto the next address.

(With neither SPEED 3 or SHOWGIRLS 2 on the horizon, Glenn felt a career change was in order)

Next up, Pyke comes across Melvin Goldberg (Legendary character actor, Mike Starr) who it turns out is guilty of theft, but not Reeves swag. The theme of 'We are all corruptible' runs throughout the movie, which somehow helps endear (an otherwise) cold calculating character like Pyke to the audience...Despite his brutal nature, he is no more corrupt than the (supposed) good guys in this movie.

("What does it take to change the essence of a....FUCK IT...Where's the loot?")

Now Pyke wants his money (to the exact penny) and this guy gets paid faster than a bailiff in a Ken Loach movie. So armed with menace, a gun, and an accent that would make John Rhys (Cyborg Cop) Davies weep into his 'Tetley Tea Cup'....he sets about teaching the couple a valuable lesson in life. Kubic Pyke is the bailiff from hell (thank fuck he doesn't work for Northumbrian Water, otherwise i'd be moving house.......pronto)



The hapless (albeit, naive) Phelan's find that Bean is a immovable force in their lives, and that their initial cover-up of the cash (plus Beans imposing persona) prevents them from ringing the police. When Pyke (literally) moves into their house, he gives them five days to find the remaining $13, 000 owed, thus forcing the young couple to re-mortgage their house (which had only just been paid off, rather smugly, weeks before)


When the overall figure is still not met (and Leslie's offer of a sexual currency spurned) Pyke forces the Phelan's to rob convenience stores. At first disgusted and reluctant, the Phelan's soon embrace the 'outlaw' lifestyle, and find out a few home truths about each other, along the way.

(Konica...Colours...are calling you)

Sean Bean is great in this movie. His Yorkshire accent adds to proceedings, and makes his many foul mouthed rants all the more funnier. The other actors are ok, but are rightfuly outshone by Bean (who seems even more out of place, alongside the americans, due to his yorkshire accent) which turns the most basic of insults into something side-splitting.

Witness as Bean utters such lines as:

"I refuse you're offer of pussy!"

"Jew motherfucker!"

"Trail was as hot as a street whores snatch!"

CA$H defies it's STV credentials, and keeps the viewer engaged, whilst giving food for thought afterwards. I prefer a well made, tightly plotted thriller like this, over a dozen Tarantino homage-fests. And fans of good old fashioned (down to earth) movies, should embrace this film as a breath of fresh air, in a sea of CGI diarrhoea that clogs up the cinemas of recent. The final scene, screams out for a sequel, but i dare say it's ultra low box office reception will deny us this. However i can wholeheartedly recommend this cracking crime thriller/comedy/morality play/DVD release.

STAND ALONE: The Films Of Mickey Rourke (New Book.....Available NOW)

A great actor who's dipped his toes in many a murky 'DTV' water is Mickey Rourke. I loved his performances in Barfly (top ten material) The Pope Of Greenwich Village, Homeboy (and even Double Team, Bullet and Point Blank) Well, Mickey's out of that DTV wildnerness now, thank God (sorry atheists) and once again a major player in Hollywood.

For many years on IMDB, I've been in correspondence with the author (a likewise avid Seagal-Fan) And his new book charts all of Rourke's cinematic ups and downs, in a fact-finding read, with a passionate, well researched/informed stance on the topic at hand (and is a must for all fans of this enigmatic actor)

Stand Alone: The Films Of Mickey Rourke

Stand Alone: The Films of Mickey Rourke is the book that Rourke fans have been waiting for. Combining reviews and analytical discussion of all his films (including rare short movies and unreleased TV pilots), the book takes a critical and detailed look at his career, acting performances and lifeworks. Included are interviews with cast and crew from some of his lesser known features, rare interview snippets from Rourke himself as well as fully transcribed answers by him from a Q&A appearance in London 2009 and from the full taping of the Inside the Actors Studio Programme.
The author has followed Rourke’s career for almost 20 years and has written articles and reviews on him in Time Out, Total Film, Empire Online and the Independent Film Magazine. If you want a book that concentrates on his work, his legacy and the films he has made then you will find Stand Alone a challenging and engaging read.

Now Available on paperback and E-book formats.

Release Trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3ASNtQfB5U/

The book can be purchased from the Lulu website at:

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/stand-alone-the-films-of-mickey- rourke/14410358?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/cen ter/3/

The Amazon Kindle download at:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stand-Alone-Films-MICKEY-ROURKE/dp/B004HFS3WQ/ ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=digital-text&qid=1293625966&sr=1-1

On Ebay at:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=330512309460
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=330513553576

***STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESS***

The author of this book, invites you all to his Rourke website

http://www.mickey-rourke.com/

So what are you waiting for...read a great book and visit an informative website about a likewise actor!

DEADLY CROSSING (2010) Steven Seagal

(The 'Scowl'....Seagal
The 'Hair'...Seagal
The 'Nose'....Rumpole Of The Bailey)

Steven Seagal is back in (PG-13) action in this 'avid fart' festooned, confusing cop drama, that features tittless strip shows, near-obscenities and regular 'fade-outs'......all of which give the impression of a bad pilot for a would-be TV show.

Guess what.......IT FUCKING IS!!!!!

'Deadly Crossing', is in fact, a two episode compilation of Sensei's latest TV show 'True Justice'......Sadly to say, i don't think it'll gain Seagal any new fans, but the (ever-forgiving) die-hard Seagal buffs, may find something to enjoy here. At least it opens with one of Seagals better songs (from the 'Songs From The Crystal Cave' album) 'MY GOD' (featuring Stevie Wonder) as the (obviously generic TV style) titles roll......

(Seagal shows us the ropes...then proceeds to cut it's fucking head off)

Seagal stars as Elijah Kane (badass name) head of a Seattle unit of undercover cops, that use 'Unconventional methods' ('surprise, sur-fucking-prise) who take down various bad guys (usually Russians) from Crimes (usually drug deals) in a variety of 'glitzy' locations (usually strip clubs) The plot (already all over the place, due to the fact that it's been edited from two 'open-and-shut' episodes to resemble one full case) is strained even further, by not giving Lord Seagal enough screen-time and instead concentrating on secondary characters (who mostly resemble 'Sunset Beach' rejects/junkies/drop-outs)

The plots (as mismatched as they are) contain: a liquour-store shoot-out, a female cop (who doesn't fawn at the sight of Lord Steven...therefore a suspected murderer) and a gang of Cajun campfire trailer trash who are in cahoots with Russian gun/drug runners (wtf) And because these events are meant to exist in 2 seperate 45 minute episodes, the narative feels badly stretched over the 90 minute mark. Maybe as stand alone episodes, they may fare better... as they are here, they feel extremely padded?

Kane's team consist of the usual clichés associated with such shows:

(A younger, hot-headed, rather fey-looking maverick)

(A token black man, looking particularly enthused at such an undertaking)

(A sluttish, hard-nosed bitch, who secretly lusts for the Sensei
and an equally sluttish rookie, keen to prove herself in her new job, thus sticking her chest out further than the other)

All of the above look up to Kane (and not just because he's a 6.5" mangod of sexual Aikido) but because (and the following "quotes" are from the actual True Justice 'press release')

Quote: "Elijah Kane is as good as they come"

Quote: "Kane, although admirable in honor and worthy of praise for his moral principles, has a past shrouded in mystery"

Quote: "Performing under intense pressure and composed in life threatening situations, he demonstrates the expertise of a warrior, clearly ex-military; exercising his abilities gained in his work with special ops forces"

Quote: "Kane's second in command, Juliet, admires his strong sense of justice and righteousness, especially when it comes to protecting those weaker than him"

Quote: "These young cops look up to Kane in reverence and admiration"

Now those quotes prove to be much better than the actualend result...But i applaud the po-faced nature of such unintentional howlers. And i suspect this show (if picked up for a few seasons may achieve cult status, and actually rank alongside 'So-bad-they're-good' material (i.e) ATTACK FORCE and TODAY YOU DIE.

(A Russian bad guy, who my long-suffering girlfriend informed me, was in Ally McBeal........What would Harrison Ford Say?)

Seagal looks in OK shape (a little heavier, but still fast enough) but seems to be constantly doubled in any shot that shows him from behind (i'm not entirely sure why this is?) But there's no audio dubbing of his voice (yahoo!) The other actors (as mentioned) seem more like 'models' and 'clothes pegs' rather than characters...but Seagal interacts OK with them. They all make at least a dozen references to his bad-assery...which sort of eliviate the tedium (and help the cheap cider go down your throat, that little easier!)

("The Girlies Say They Love Me.....And That's OK...And I Can Dance Better Than Any Kid Or Play")

Now being a TV show (and more importantly not a H.B.O TV show) the profanity and nudity is non-existent. The fight scenes, which there's about 4 or 5 (despite the expected 'erratic' shaky-cam) still contain a few 'trademark' Seagal moves, but are pedestrian, and lack the brutality of recent fare (like Driven To Kill or A Dangerous Man)

(Not the most flattering picture of Sensei Seagal, I might add!)

Some of the more basic stuff looks doubled, yet more of the better moves are Seagal (he even throws a kick or two) but rarely does any scene last longer than a few frames (fights or otherwise) One plus point, is that the production values of this show looks more professional than some of Seagals movies (of late)

("What do you mean 'Porker Texas Ranger'?")

The one big annoyance being the whole 'sped-up' and 'Fast Zoom' camera techniques (or 'Avid Farts' as Vern calls them) that punctuate the beginning of nearly every scene. Any fans expecting this show to be a C.S.I rival, can think again. The plot occasionally has a bit of police procedure and cop-lingo.....but little running time goes into solving the case, other than receiving tip offs, or being at the right time at the right place. Hopefully, this show will have more genuine 'detective' work, if it intends to have a second season. As a 45 minute show, i wish it well.....as a DVD marked £9.99 alongside other (genuine) movies in my local supermarket.....only my 'Seagal love' and 'completeism' deter me from going 'loco' with my air pistol in Morrisons.

("Big-ger-shoe, sir" asked the homeless newspaper selesman)

Anyhow (and you'd have to be fucktard to consider this a 'Spoiler') Kane gets the russian mob boss/arms/drug dealer, and launches (his usual) hand-to-broken-hand one-sided onslaught on the poor fucker....Culminating in a semi-decent act of leg-breaking, that makes the viewer beg for the days of MARKED FOR DEATH

(Ouch #1)

As a whole, 'Deadly Crossing' should have been sold as a budget release. Casual punters paying full price for a TV show, may resent and unjustifiably overlook any future projects, due to feeling shortchanged with this one. Optimum DVD (who seem to be releasing most of Seagals recent offerings) don't even offer up a trailer (despite a trailer actually existing, and a lot more exciting than the movie it's advertising) and we must also welcome the return of the time-honoured tradition of 'Misleading-Artwork-Bullshit.........Featuring cover art with 'Helicopters and explosions' (Check the cover art)

(Oh, and BTW, there's an obligitory 'Seagal kisses a mysterious woman' parting shot, which can only be a plus, in a sea of negatives?)

After the (dissapointing, but ultimately still badass) Born To Raise Hell, this release is a misleading misfire, and it's deception/pretention of being perceived as a genuine release, won't win any Seagal new fans (nor inspire any interest in future stuff) I'd have sooner Seagal knocked out a genuine 'quickie' dtv movie, than to follow up 'Machete' with a TV show (but hey, i guess these decisions are way out of his hands) I have a strong feeling that OPTIMUM DVD may release the show in 2 episode mash-up 'dvd releases' like this one, which may ruin what could have been a half decent TV show.


If my review sounds 'damning'...it's probably because i don't mind Seagal Sensei making shit movies....I just take umbrage to him making 'Shit TV shows' and then being packaged like movies. If my review seems under-written (in regards to plot) it's because there's not much to speak about (even my Girlfriend complained about the never-ending scenes of night-time ariel shots of builings and sped-up sunrises, replete with accelarated traffic) But as much as it seems like i'm completely ragging on this release......hey, it's still Seagal...so it's therefore light years ahead of all this Matt Damon/Shia LaPoof shit that clog up the multiplexes.

Buy the 'movie'...Realise it isn't......Drink that cider.....Show it to your girlfriend

A DAY OF VIOLENCE (2010) Darren Ward

Darren Ward (an unsung talent in the UK) follows up (at long last) his 1998 masterpiece of gritty no-budget bloodletting SUDDEN FURY, with this (slightly) more serious (and much darker) gangster thriller A DAY OF VIOLENCE (that features some regulars from his previous onslaught)

(One for the ladies)

Opening up, with flashback narration from our (already) dead hero 'Mitchell' (sorry, it's not Joe Don Baker, folks!) we learn the troubled tale of a good (albeit flawed) man, in bad circumstances, narrate his own downfall. But when Mitchell goes down, he takes every motherfucker with him. Ironically, it's his one genuine selfless act of humanity, that leads to his downfall (but enough of that later) Of course Mitchell is played by long-time Ward collaborator Nick Rendell (Lead hero 'Walker' from SUDDEN FURY) so it's all good.

Mitchell also has to reassure his worried wife, that'll he soon be leaving this lifestyle behind (You know, the usual nagging wife bullshit, that every tough-guy has to put up with) She also blames his line of work for being the reason that their daughter is in a coma (more about that later)

(Mitchell's wife never advised him to "break a leg" before going to work)

Mitchell works as a debt collector for some Cornish scumbag, named Ben Casey (i say 'scumbag' because he barks out 'farm-yacker' orders over the phone, replete with porn screen savers on his PC) Casey sends Mitchell to collect £2000 from some lowlife junkie, named Hopper (played by none other than 'exploitation' legend Giovanni Lombardo Radice (and if you need me to list the movies he's starred in, then get the fuck off my blog...pronto!) Mitchell instead finds £100, 000, prompting him to torture and kill Hopper (in a particularly nasty throat slashing sequence that looks frighteningly realistic)

(ouch #1)

Mitchell decides to keep the swag for himself. Unknown to Mitchell, Hopper has filmed Mitchell ransacking his flat and finding the money, before his grisly demise.

Mitchell returns home, and bullshits Casey that no money was found and hands in his notice, informing that he's going to work for a rival firm (headed by Curtis Boswell) which infuriates Casey (leading to bad case of hilarious over-acting, shouting, ranting and raving, made all the funnier by his Cornish accent)

(Jethro on Death-Row......Ben Casey and his classy screensavers)

Mitchell wakes the next morning, goes for his morning jog, and upon returning home, is startled by a knife-wielding intruder (who turns out to be prankster/toff/extraordinaire, 'Smithy') It transpires that Smithy works for Boswell, and is picking him up, for his first day, in his new job. Smithy and Mitchell go way back, but although he seems to be doing well, Mitchell can sense that his old friend is hiding something from him.

(The mirth-making, ill-fated 'Smithy')

Smithy and Mitchell arrive at a huge warehouse to meet Boswell (played by Victor D Thorn,who excelled in Sudden fury as Lennox) in probably the standout performance of the movie...partly down to the fact that he sounds like a foul-mouthed Chris Tarrant. Within minutes, Boswell has his goons beat up Smithy and truss him upside down by his ankles, to a concerned (but clearly out-numbered) Mitchell.

(Curtis boswell, Chris Tarrant sound-a-like)

Turns out Smithy was 'skimming' money from Boswell, and is to be made an example of, in front of Mitchell. What's worse is, everyone believes that Smithy has Hoppers money (but only Mitchell knows the truth.) In keeping with Boswell earlier threat/job advice of "If you fuck with me in any way....you will be punished....And I'm not talking about the sort of punishment you can walk away from" Smithy is indeed punished.

('Bat's entertainment!')

Hanging upside down, trouser-less, beaten and shot, Boswell ends his obedience class (and the movies stand-out 'Yuck' scene) with a spot of Garden-Shear (not to mention 'censor-baiting') castration.

(Ouch #2, 3 & 4...Smithy proves that he HAD the balls for the job)

Boswell then shoots a (understandably) screaming Smithy dead (thank god) But things get worse for Mitchell, as Boswell orders him (and another henchman, lovingly named 'Chisel') to go to Hoppers house and retrieve the crime lords £100, 000 (which Mitchell has hidden in his own bathroom) Mitchell plays it cool, but the inevitable happens when Chisel finds Hoppers mobile phone (you just know it's only a matter of time, before the incriminating footage of Mitchell is found...Lending to a fair amount of suspense)
Boswell orders Mitchell and Chisel to visit Smithy's wife (thinking she has the £100k) and beat the information (plus the shit) out of her. Chisel is more than up for beating up women, but Mitchell intervenes (and is briefly knocked unconscious for his troubles) We now find out how 'Chisel' earned his name, as he goes to work of Smithy's widow, by smashing her teeth out with his namesake tool. Luckily, Mitchell wakes up, and knocks out the torturer, and flees the scene with Smithy's widow.

(To catch a teeth...Chisel by name, Chisel by nature)

Chisel informs Boswell of Mitchell's treachery, and is ordered to track him down. During his search, Chisel notices the video footage of Mitchell talking the cash, on Hoppers mobile phone....and Boswell puts out a small army, to find Mitchell and retrieve the £100k.

Mitchell (rather foolishly) returns home, and is soon captured and taken back to the warehouse, were he is beaten senseless by Boswells goons (resembling the TOXIC AVENGER, with his swollen, bruised features)

(ouch#5)

But our hero soon manages to escape his captors, after stabbing and shooting the shit out of most of them (in true Darren Ward pyrotechnic-overload manner...which is a great thing!) But soon finds that Boswell and a few more goons are hot on his trail.

(Down, but never out, Mitchell turns the tables)

Mitchell gets news to his wife, that he's ok, and orders her to get out of town whilst the heat is on. During his frantic search for sanctuary, we are also treat to a flashback sequence, showing how his daughter was injured, due to his dangerous line of work.

(Obligatory flashback)

Mitchell arranges to lay low with a friend (but his friend 'snitches' his whereabouts to Boswell) Thus follows a particularly nasty shoot-out in a nightclub, in which several innocent bystanders are blown the piss out of.

(Wouldn't you just love to do this, at your local wetherspoons?)

Mitchell ducks bullets left, right and centre (unlike a lot of unfortunate nightclub patrons) and (eventually) reigns supreme in a Mexican stand-off with Boswell and co (with a messy shot to the eye-ball.) And (it seems) he has come out on top.....



....That is, until six months later. Smithy's widow (having put two-and-two together) arrives at Mitchell's home (just as he's taking a soak in the bath) armed with the following:

1) The realisation that Mitchell's greed, lead to her husbands death

2) A shotgun

(Darren Ward redefines the term 'Bloodbath')

Mitchell's story comes full circle, and 'The Day Of Violence' comes to an end. With the only positive note being that Mitchell's daughter is out of her coma, and mourning his passing alongside his grieving wife, in the morgue.

(The end)

Like I said, a little less comical than SUDDEN FURY and (possibly) better for it. Average cinema-goers may scoff at the low-budget, Suffolk accents,the odd iffy performance and general 'tone' of this movie....But it did it for me. Some UK distributors should have a little faith in this guy. He films shootouts with a furious kinetic energy, like no other. And this is all the more remarkable, given the budgets this guy must (surely) have to work with?

Keep up the great work Mr Ward (and don't take so long to bring out another movie) If you need a couple of quid, or an extra...let me know?


Beg, steal, borrow (or at very least) Maim...to get your hands on a copy of this fine British movie.

Leslie Nielsen 1926-2010

I get a text message this morning (from my brother Colin) at 6:15 am!!! (like yeah, I'm awake and downing 'raw eggs' before my morning run!) , with a cryptic remark stating "Rest In Peace Leslie"..........No surname, nothing (My brother can be annoying like that!)
At first i thought...Leslie Phillips (no offence to Mr Phillips, or his family....but the guy is 123 year old!) So i checked the morning news on TV................Ziltch, nothing, Nada (if it's not Snow reports or X-Factor results, it's not deemed important in the UK) So out of bed in got, booted the hamster wheel in my PC, and kick started the 'interweb'....wish i hadn't now!
News that legendary funnyman Leslie Nielsen has passed away, is another sad loss (in a year that's seen some great icons leave us)
Nielson, already clocked up a 100+ appearances in various TV shows and radio plays, before landing the role of Commander J.J. Adams in the 1956 sci-fi classic Forbidden Planet.
His roles in other classic genre movies/Tv shows followed (The Poseidon Adventure, Day Of The Animals, Columbo) before hitting the jackpot with AIRPLANE (in 1980) in which he took 'deadpan' to a new level (whilst still having the occasional 'straight' role in Prom Night, Creepshow and Nuts, to name a few) before having his own bonafide Box-Office hit with THE NAKED GUN in 1988.
He continued with many more 'comedy' roles (and a couple more successful 'Naked Gun' sequels) as well as numerous other spoofs (I laughed out loud throughout SPY HARD) and he continued working pretty much non-stop (with future projects still unreleased for next year)
Nielson died from complications with pneumonia, and by all accounts was praised by everyone he ever worked with, as a "kind, warm and genuinely funny man"

He will be sadly missed (like you needed to be told that)

(Gotta crack open the DAY OF THE ANIMALS dvd tonight.....R.I.P. Mr Nielson)

KILLER BITCH (2010) Yvette Rowland

Every once and a while, a movie can come along, that re-writes the genre, ups the ante and puts a whole new spin on proceedings....KILLER BITCH is not that movie. However, it's one of the most jaw-dropping (unintentional) comedies, I've ever seen. It features a cast of both 'has-beens' and 'never-wheres', topless sluts, bad acting, non-existent FX, bad dialogue, grotty locations, the word "CAHNT!" every other sentence and is wrapped up in uninspired direction and photography. Yet somehow it works (it carries on the same tradition as Lindsay Shonteff or Cliff Twemlow movies) and has a raw energy, that Guy Ritchie (beyond his millions) would love to possess.

The (rather) pointless plot opens up with legendary UK 'swordsman' Ben Dover (yes, THAT one) giving it large, to some blonde bimbo...who then promptly stabs the shit out of the ageing Lothario. This scene is intercut with other random (and equally badly filmed) death scenes

After this 'murder-montage' (Godfather Part II, it aint) we are introduced to the heroine of the movie, Yvette (Yvette Rowland) a slightly ditsy, Kate Bush (almost) alike (hey, i guess Eileen Daly and Emily Booth were busy?) She wakes up in a warehouse (one of the many glitzy locations in this 'every-expense-spared' production) and is instantly attacked by a Geordie hitman (who, quite frankly is useless, and shouts "I'm gonna kill ya, yer fookin bitch!" quite a lot)

Just as it seems Yvette's number is up, she is saved by a mysterious cockney hitman Jason (played by hooligan/market stall trader/extraordinaire Jason Marriner...who steals the show, with his wholesale slaughter of buxom strippers and uttering variations on the word "CAHNT!") His dialogue is priceless. And I'd be a fool not to share it with you (the distinguished moviegoer)

(The many faces of Jason Marriner...all of them cockney)

Jason takes Yvette to a large house, and it's there she meets the overlord, behind all the carnage, Cass (played by former hooligan/writer/extraordinaire Cass Pennant) He explains to her that all her workmates, friends and family will be executed, unless she kills five people on a list he hands to her. What she doesn't know, is that others are playing the game (and many of the names are cross referenced) meaning that soon the assassins will have to kill off the other assassins. Yvette, mortified, has no choice. It transpires that Yvette's husband has been killed earlier on by a masked assassin (subplot #1) Yvette is given the list, and sent on her way....

During her search for victim #1, we are introduced to other people forced into the game. Most notably Robin (played with gusto, by one-time boxer/Sunday Sport salesman Robin Reid) Reid takes this movie very seriously throughout, and despite his (rather fey) 'Scouse' accent, he pulls off all manner of Bruce Lee/Sonny Chiba mannerisms to match his extreme over-acting throughout this sordid movie. It transpires that Robins wife was gang raped and murdered, as part of the game, and the (self proclaimed "Number one killing machine") wastes little time in killing the shit out of those responsible) including a ludicrous scene in a gym, where he just casually pulls out a gun, and gets all 'Tony Montana' on a guy, presumably his trainer just a minute earlier.

(Two Reids for the price of none......Robin and Alex............poet warriors)

We are also introduced to a fighter named Alex (played by Alex Reid...aka: Mr Katie Price/The Reidinator/worst actor in the world) Oh, and not forgetting Jason, who turns up on the doorstep of some stripper every five minutes or so, with such heartfelt laments as the one (illustrated) below:


Yvette finds the address of the first 'name' on the list, and it's none other than cockney-gangster-extraordinaire Dave Courtney, who's aided and abetted by fighting legend Roy (Pretty Boy) Shaw. Despite his advancing years, Shaw is one man not to be messed with, and within 30 seconds of his debut, he's punching/beating the shit out of some guy that 'brushed past him' (quite a serious crime, 'Dahn Sarf') Courtney is accompanied upstairs by a black lady, who urges him to (quote) "Put one in me" (very erotic, i must say)

Yvette, pulls a gun on Courtney (just as he's about to shoot his load...boom, boom!) but he takes the gun off the fledgling assassin, and gives chase. And what a chase scene it is.
If you want to see Dave Courtneys penis flop about, as he chases a woman through his (Tudor-style) house, wearing nothing but a shirt...then please buy this movie. Because i won't be putting up any stills of it (partly because Courtney may pay me a visit, and stamp on my neck, and partly because it's not a nice sight) But he's got bottle, i'll give him that!

Yvette is captured, and given to two strange associates of Courtney, who, instead of raping and murdering her (as promised) drop her off at a beach, and leave her there to wander about. It is here, she is joined up with Alex (who flits in and out of this movie, like most of the characters) and the stoic fighter, tries to help her get the drop on her next target, a meathead bare knuckle fighter, who constantly shouts "Who's the facking guvnor?...I'm the facking guvnor!!" to a packed audience (roughly 4 or 5) Alex has a plan (quote) "Get into the ring, beat the fuck out of him...and let Yvette finish him off" This doesn't quite go to plan, as Reid (actually not a bad real life fighter) exhibits a fighting style, that Steven Hawkins would piss his bag, laughing at....
However, Yvette shoots her target, during one of his "Who's the guvnor?" style rants, and the two assassins flee the scene.

We (the brave viewer) are treat to more Jason Marriner style romanticism, as he pays a model to 'shine his silverwear' before blowing her brains out...and THEN having an orgasm, whilst still inside whats left of the poor girls head. You just don't get scenes like this in Halle Berry movies, i can tell you...

(KILLER BITCH doesn't stint on the tits)

And just in case, you thought the 'pace' was slipping, we're then treat to a cameo by none other than Michael Carroll (infamous UK lottery winning lout) who proves that:
A) The diet pills aren't working.
B) None of his winnings weren't squandered on 'acting lessons.

Robin Reid takes (easy) care of Carroll (thankfully sparing us any more non-acting) and then we're also introduced to an 'Oirish tough nut 'Big Joe' (played by Joe Egan) who basically Utters "Well, there's no point in you then" to the dozen or so people he casually murders. We also get a topless Dwarf (who is then tossed off a roof, for further titillation)

Robin shoots the shit out of some guys in a warehouse (but not before he's beaten the fuck out of a foul-mouthed guy in an ice cream van) But the scouse warrior is soon caught, and handed over to some Chinese gang (who intend to torture him with a fish?) Robin kills them all, and goes off in search of Yvette.

Yvette then wanders into a bar, and is chatting to none other than Howard Marks (legendary Welsh drug smuggler...and older looking, shagged out Rhys Ifans look-a-like) who spouts off (what seems to be the only genuinely scripted line of dialogue) to a recently drugged Yvette the following advice/gibberish:

"You've just drank a glass of reindeer piss.
...and those reindeer eat deadly magic mushrooms.
If you ate them, you'd die.
So don't eat those Deadly magic mushrooms
Instead, lie under the reindeer
Look up to his genitals
And say lovingly....Rain-Dear!
And try to catch some of the reindeer's piss in your mouth
That way, you won't die...you'll just get high"

Meanwhile, Mr Marriner is making all the ladies swoon, by telling a buxom beauty "Listen Babe, I gotta tell yer, I'm a reasonable man....But there's two sides to me, and one of my sides is off my facking head, i gotta tell yer that now....But as you got a great pair of tits, I'm gonna give you one chance, and facking one chance only...alright, who won the FA cup replay in 1970?"

The blonde (probably not known for her football expertise) answers "Leeds?"

To which Marriner (already the worthy successor to Richard Gere) replies "You silly Cahnt!" before blowing her head off, and then remarking "Facking Leeds, the silly cahnt, she's taking the piss out of me, aint she?"

(Karlos Vemola's auditions for 'PriceDrop TV')

Yvette is kidnapped by some polish cage fighter, after her assassination attempt on him fails, he sells her to some guys in a boxing gym (after kicking the shit out them first, to 'up' the asking price) Alex (on the scene, and out of the middle of nowhere) fights the Pole...and true to form, gets his ass kicked (again) only to be saved by Yvette.

Just when you think, Mr Marriner can't top his already legendary 'heart-throb status, he then threatens a (admittedly gobby) girl in a wheelchair. If this actress looks familiar, it's because she played 'Nessa' in the legendary BBC flop soap ELDORADO (one of my favourites BTW) Jason bombards her with the following tender sentiments, such as "You facking grass, i bet you get the best seat in the house when you go to the football?" and heartfelt outpourings of affection like "Of course you're just sitting there, you aint gonna run a marathon, you Cahnt, aren't yer?"


During all this mayhem, Yvette is dragged into a (spacious) bush by Alex, and soon gives into his animalistic urges. And 'Animalistic' is the key word, because Mr Katie Price, assumes that the best way to exhibit eroticism is by grunting like a pirate and shouting "YEAH" and "FACKING YEAH" throughout this sexless rape/love scene. The Daily Mail eat shit like this up and have already tried to stir up a media frenzy over this movie with the headline of ALEX REID IN MOVIE THAT ADVOCATES RAPE headlines. Trust me, Miss Rowland seems more embarrassed than horrified, during this sordid sequence. But fuck yeah, the grunting is damn funny, all the same.

(Alex Reid and Yvette Rowland in the worst sex scene ever filmed)

Afterwards, Yvette leaves Alex, and bumps into Robin, who tells her that Alex was the masked assassin who killed her husband. Feeling used and Angry, she joins Robin and sets out to trap Jason (don't know what happens to Alex at this point...I guess he's still asleep in a bush somehere?) Yvette lures Jason to (what looks like) a laundry room, and in dominatrix gear, she castrates Mr Marriner (which probably left a lot of sad women around Britain, i can tell you) Marriner lets out a few (customary) "You Facking Cahnt" screams...before (presumably) dying in a pool of his own blood, alngside his fake-looking apendage.

(Where's ya tool?)

Of course though, you can't keep a good Football hooligan/market trader/assassin/incurable romantic down. And before you can say "CAHNT!!" Marriner awakens from his castration, just as a young nubile news reporter is covering his story. He attacks her from behind, but god knows what he's going to do with her, as his 'Fuck-stick' has been cut off. Oh well.....

Yvette tries to help Robin, but the guy kills himself in her arms, because he was the last name on her list (how noble) and with all her kills completed, Yvette storms to Cass' mansion, with the sole intention of killing him. Cass reminds her, that before the games she was going nowhere in life, and that the killing makes her feel alive. Yvette actually realises that this is indeed, true, and lets out a real shit-eating grin, as Cass suggests that she plays another game for their mutual pleasure.

KILLER BITCH is essential viewing for fans of exploitation. As mentioned it has elements of G.B.H (1983) and vintage 'Shonteff'. The sexism and misogyny are ripe, and chances are the cast (of real life thugs/hard men) may put off more 'righteous' viewers. But the movie has a great pace, and can more hold it's own alongside work by Darren Ward and Alex Chandon. Watch it with likeminded mates, add alcohol, and the drink will be pouring out your nose, at such a foul-mouthed wallow in old time (non-pc) violence/rape/murder. And i'm sure that whatever reactionary rubbish the DAILY MAIL write, won't hopefuly deter director Liam Galvin from serving up more of the same in the near future?