Peter Falk (1927-2011)

Genuinely saddened at last nights news of Peter Falk's passing. Not that he made many Straight-To-DVD movies in his illustrious career (although Walter Hill's underrated UNDISPUTED was granted such treatment in the UK)

Born in 1927, Falk lost an eye (to cancer) at three years old. Not the best start to any young life (let alone, someone who would go onto achieve the worldwide accolade and fame that Falk did) But (as Sammy Davis Jr, before him) true talent shines through any disability.

Falk made a name for hmself on stage, before slowly working his way up the hollywood ladder. He clocked up some memorable supporting performances in movies like Murder Inc, Pretty Boy Floyd, It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World, Castle Keep and Anzio. In 1968 he signed up for a NBC MYSTERY MOVIE called Prescription Murder, playing a rumpled detective named Columbo. Although not a huge hit with audiences, the character of Columbo was recommissioned 3 years later (with another one-off episode, Ransom For A Dead Man) leading (later that year) to a seven episode season....the rest as they say is history, and the character made Falk instantly recognizable around the world.

And the movie roles didn't stop there. Now a huge 'name' actor, Falk starred in many classic movies (during his 32 tenure as Lt Columbo) including, Husbands, A Woman Under The Influence, Murder By Death, Mikey And Nicky, The Cheap Detective, The In-Laws, The California Dolls, Wings of Desire, The Princess Bride and (David Mamet's enjoyable) Lakeboat.

Although he'll be forever associated (and rightfully so) with Columbo, Pater Falk not only leaves a eclectic back-catalogue of movies, he also leaves millions of fans mourning at the passing of one the few greats. R.I.P Peter Falk


Got the full set of Columbo DVD's...time for a complete re-watch, methinks?

DIRECT CONTACT (2009) Dolph Lundgren

As much as I enjoyed THE PUNISHER, ARMY OF ONE or MEN OF WAR, I've gotta' be honest here, and say that I've always found Dolph Lundgren to be the 'eternal bridesmaid' of action cinema, and found his recent movies rather dull. Be it my old age (or the fact that he killed 'Apollo Creed') I've found most of his DTV work to be 'lacking'. He sure looks the part and at 53 years young, 6' 5" tall, he certainly looks after himself....but (as with Wesley Snipes) his DTV work is littered with more duds than hits. None of this stops me from watching his movies.....but truth be told, I'm sick to death of reading stuff like "The Russian Specialist is a kick ass movie" (when it clearly isn't) or PR blurb stating "Command Performance rocks" (only to find a dull and plodding Die Hard Wannabe, hidden behind an otherwise great trailer) So it's with indifferent displeasure (?) that i review the latest Lundgren 'masterpiece' to hit UK shelves (despite it being already 2 year old...which is never a good sign) But looking at the DVD case...it seems to have some plus points, it's an 18 Certificate Nu Image movie, featuring Michael Pare......What could go wrong?

(Quite a lot....it seems)



DIRECT ACTION sees Lundgren as lunk-headed (ex-US Special forces) Mike Riggins , residing in an Eastern Europe prison for gun-running. Amidst the many beatings from the wardens, fights with inmates, or the blood drinking Rats, Riggins seems oddly at ease with his predicament. Enter shadowy U.S envoy Clive Connelly (Michael Pare) who offers Riggins a full pardon (plus $200k) to rescue an kidnapped American woman, Ana Gale (Gina May) who is being held by a ruthless criminal, Vlado Karadjov (surely a name worthy of a 90+ score at Scrabble?) Connelly also mentions that anna may be suffering a touch of 'Stockholm Syndrome' and may resist being rescued.

("Ray Liotta was busy filming BEE MOVIE 2")

Riggins gets $20k upfront, a mobile phone and (like any self respecting paroled inmate) heads to the nearest disco/titty bar to arrange a meeting with Karadjov. Of course, as with most Eastern European titty bars...the swarthy types soon betray Riggins, and
he is beaten up (but spared death) by Karadjov and his men. Undeterred, Riggins pays a visit to the local fire-arms seven/eleven...and heads back to Karadjovs base to bring da ruckas to all those muthafuckaz.

(The budget wouldn't stretch to 3D, but Dolph gave it his best shot)

Much fence cutting, bomb planting and knocking out inept guards later...Riggins finally locates Anna...who thanks him for his troubles with a swift kick to the knackers. Our hero punches her in the stomach to keep her from screaming (nice) and despite her protests of "Not being kidnapped", Riggins gets her out of Karadjovs base, much to the displeasure the sadistic General Drago (surely a knowing namesaked 'wink' at Lundgrens most iconic role?)

(EH?)

The chase is on (replete with usual NU-IMAGE second hand action scenes/explosions) Our hero and heroine make it to (brief) safety in a nearby hotel. Riggins phones Connelly (who reveals himself as C.I.A, but little else) and arranges a meeting place for the girl to be handed over and the cash to be exchanged. Riggins smells a rat, attends the meeting alone...and tells Connelly to eat the bird, before buggering off (on another chase sequence.....this time on a motorbike!) leading to more recycled action scenes.

(Dolph was on page 6 of 'The Fatty Arbuckle-sexual Etiquette manual')

Returning to the hotel, Riggins finds that Anna has escaped, but tracks her down to a train station. They both board the train (cue footage from Van Damme's 'Derailed') but Drago's men are there to (badly) shoot the shit out of innocent bystanders, in their quest to miss Riggins with every single bullet they fire. With several thousand rounds of ammo easily dodged, Riggins and Anna leave the train at the next station (which rather inexplicably seems built directly to a sewer filled with homeless people...but wide enough to accommodate a military hummer vehicle)

("No way did Streets Of Fire outperform Masters Of The Universe?")

Evading the army once again, our heroes steal a taxi, leading to a further chase scene (some ropey back projection and further sequences from 'Derailed' ) Fleeing their captors again (god this is getting repetitive) Riggins and Anna head to a nearby cafe. A news story on the TV indicates that Anna is in fact the daughter of (recently deceased) billionaire oil and Shipping magnate Allister Roberts. Now the picture is looking a little clearer about the real motives behind Conellys offer.

(Mmmmm, I wonder who gets shot....The Hero or the The Waiter?)

Anna tends to a graze on riggins stomach (fuck me...a bullet actually got within a yard of Dolph!) and the pair go to meet Karadjov (who it turns out IS a good guy) at a nearby football stadium. Unfortunately, General Drago and his army arrive on the scene...leading to another shoot-out (yawn) and the demise of Karadjov. Connelly arrives in a helicopter and (amazingly) keeps his end of the deal with Riggins (by giving him the money, as promised) in exchange for the girl. Anna (suitably pissed) berates our hero for selling out, but off he drives...leaving the heiress at the mercy of Drago and Connelly.



It turns out that Anna's naughty Uncle Trent is behind the whole shenanigans, and wants her to sign the rights of the company over to him. Connelly treats Anna to a bit of the 'Ike Turner First Date Workout', but (wahey!).....Riggins returns, armed with guns and rifles (plus the worst hand grenade explosions since For Your Height Only) leading to more chase footage (from Out For A Kill) to enliven proceedings (i mean WTF, we haven't had a shootout in the last 2 minutes)

(And the soldiers still fucking miss)

Outrunning the badguys again (for a fucking change!) Riggins figures out that the mobile phone Connelly gave him, is a tracking device (no shit sherlock!) Seeking shelter in a nearby woodshed, Riggins and anna finally get down to (an awkward looking scene of) Rumpy-pumpy. The next morning we see Riggins getting all McGuyver-like on his getaway vehicle (actually we see him lift a small panel of pig-iron...hardly an A-Team montage) This is inter-cut with General Drago and his army shooting the living shit out a group of villagers in his search for our heroes. Heading for the gates of the nearest American Embassy, our heroes are shot at by their own side (Realism at last!) So whats a former ex-US Special forces/gun runner/jailbird/mercenary/suspected terrorist to do...he simply drive into the building NEXT FUCKING DOOR to the embassy for a showdown with Drago/Connelly and various inept soldiers. Although Connellys demise is quite an 'explosive' scene (hint, hint) The movie still ends on a shit-eating grin fest, as Riggins looks at Anna and utters "God Bless America" ("Try lensing a movie there, every now and then Dolph" I say)

(Too hot for cinema)

DIRECT CONTACT is 20 years too late for an action movie (in terms of acting, plot and production values) and rather plodding (despite it's many action scenes) even for a low budget DTV release. Releasing stuff like this after THE EXPENDABLES, won't do Lundgren (and his career) any favours. Any moments of cheesy charm is few and far between (although I chuckled a little at Lundgren spitting up blood in his cell, only for a passing rat to gobble it up) And given the extensive BU-IMAGE back catalogue, they could have recycled much better action scenes (those OPERATION DELTA FORCE movies are also 'pilfered' throughout) Dolph still aquits himself well in the fight scenes, but they're nothing to write home about. Gina May comes across as a second rate Megan Fox (if such an entity exists?) and only Michael Pare walks away from this without any damage (and probably another Uwe Boll movie to make, that very weekend)

(Insert haemorrhoid gag here:)

If my review sounds dire and repetitive...it's because the movie is (oh, yeah, and because I'm a lousy reviewer as well) But the almost non-stop action and messy squib-work, doesn't change my opinion on Dolph Lundgren as a genuine action star...neither is DIRECT CONTACT jaw-droppingly bad enough to warrant a 'So-bad-it's-good' quality. It just sits there for 80 odd minutes, then finishes (like a fairweather friend, you've foolishly invited to your house) Although hardcore Lundgren buffs will probably find plenty to enjoy, nontheless. But given that i watched this movie as a double bill (alongside 'Los nuevos extraterrestres') and found DIRECT CONTACT to be the duller of the two...really says it all.

Then again, it might just be me...I can't stand Michael Dudikoff either?

(Although I didn't hate it, as much as this guy?)

GAME OF DEATH (2010) Wesley Snipes

This is the first 'Wesley Snipes' movie I've reviewed here. To be honest, I've not been impressed with his previous DTV outings (although i did enjoy the 'off-beat' HARD LUCK...which most people seem to dislike?) So it's with brave trepidation that I dived head-on into his latest release GAME OF DEATH. The title alone is enough to make any self-respecting Bruce Lee fan piss-shit out their a-holes.....But it would be interesting to see if Snipes could invest a bit more time and effort on this project, with jail looming over his head (plus i picked it up 'new' for 99p)

Snipes plays 'Agent Marcus' a tough as nails CIA operative, who (together with his elite team) does the 'dirty-work' for the government, by eliminating those undesirable kingpins/drug barons/gun-runners/czars (blah, blah, blah...Kneecap Hill) Marcus' team includes Zander (Gary Daniels) and Flora (Zoe Bell) and the movie opens with the team taking out an arms dealer in New York. But for all his ruthless efficiency, Marcus seems 'Burnt-Out' (tm) and in need of 'Redemption' (tm)

("Are they taxes in heaven, father?")

We cut to Detroit, and see Marcus hiding out in a car, watching a kindly neighbourhood Reverend, Clarence (Ernie Hudson) playing basketball with the local kids. Marcus follows the Rev to his church, and offers him a cool million dollars, if he'll sit and listen to his confession. Clarence admits that the neighbourhood could do with the money, and lends a sympathetic ear to Marcus' problems.

("Your place or mine?")

Snipes goes into flashback mode, and we see him being congratulated for the earlier New York 'hit' and given new instructions for the next job. It seems the CIA want Marcus to infiltrate the world of 'finance-dealer/Gun-Runner' Frank Smith (Robert Davi) which will lead up the corporate ladder to 'backer' Redvale Industries. Upon earning their trust, he is ordered to terminate both parties (forewarned with the usual CIA failure/unaccountability bullshit)

(Deplorable Flora & Zander meander)

Marcus briefs both Zander and Flora on the details, and (six months later) he is soon in the employment and confidence of Smith. During a flight, Marcus realises that despite the many scare stories....Smith may not be the "Mean Bastard" the CIA have painted him to be. Marcus escorts Smith to a meeting/payoff ($100m) with Redvale. But greed has gotten the better of both Zander and Flora who (sick of playing second fiddle) decide to doublecross Marcus and bag the money for themselves.

("Must be weird not having anyone come on ya'?")

Matters are made worse when Smith has a heart attack in the back of the limo, and Marcus rushes him to the hospital (strange, given his objective?) whilst dodging gunfire from Zander and Co, who want him alive and well for his payday with Redvale. Marcus has his guns confiscated by hospital security...But Zander and his goons are fully armed, and ready to kill anyone that gets in their way.....Let the 'Game' begin.


Marcus rumbles the double cross and takes out several of Zanders henchmen (in probably the movies standout fight, a brutally efficient 'Seagal-like' snap fest in a psychiatric ward, replete with 'off-key' piano playing and screams from it's frightened patients...reminiscent of the 'Crazy Village' segment from GYMKATA) Flora chases Marcus all around the hospital (probably the most deserted 'institution' since HALLOWEEN II) offering up "Join Us" (tm) remarks, whilst at the same time, trying to shoot the shit out of him.

(Davi pondered his stay at he 'Bond-Villain-Retirement-Home')

Zander finds Smith, and forces the head nurse, Rachael to keep him alive (by fair means or foul) long enough to complete his meeting with Redwood. Rachael (under Zanders threat of "You either give him a shot...or take one yourself") explains that the cardiac catheterization procedure will take 30 minutes, before Smith can be moved (allowing more time for Marcus to fuck up more henchmen in the meantime)

(Wesley and his cell-mate)

And fuck-them-up he does, but after another round of shoot-outs, Flora gets the upper-hand and captures him. Zander gives Marcus the old "We could have been great together" bullshit, and despite having the opportunity to kill him....doesn't! (which ruins a lot of well built-up credibility, at this point) instead Zander decides to frame Marcus for all the hospital carnage, leading the CIA on a wild goose chase....whilst giving himself time to get Smith to his payday with Redvale.

("Are those Argyle socks?")

Redvale (replete with 'goombah' mafioso demeanor) smells a rat at Smiths new concerned chaperone's, but is soon outgunned, and forced to proceed to the vault, for the $100m. However a framed and furious Marcus steals an ambulance and heads over to Redvales for a final showdown with Zander and Co. Rachael gets caught in a 'Mexican Standoff'.....Smith takes a stand...and Revdale takes a knife in the back. Marcus ploughs through the remaining bad guys, before chasing Zander up to the rooftop for a tasty rumble...which barely leaves the badguy a leg to stand on (literally)

("Where's Woody Harrelson when I need him?")

With the 'Game' over (but our hero still wanted by the CIA) we then flash forward back to the church, where father Clarence implores Marcus to "Have faith" before launching into a (well-needed) Lords Prayer (Amen to that...you fucking atheists!) Marcus leaves the money with the padre, and returns to watch the neighbourhood kids play basketball as therapy for his 'redemption' (and probably for Snipes to reflect on his prison-less 'Box-Office' days of WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP)



GAME OF DEATH is a pretty kick-ass movie (and I think my low expectations only helped matters) The cast is good (about time someone had a bit of faith in Daniels) and it's great to see Robert Davi again. I don't know if Snipes' IRS troubles plagued him during filming, but it added to his performance of a troubled, haunted man. And the fight scenes were brutal (and as mentioned, 'vintage-Seagal-Like') and despite my preference towards the psychiatric ward rumble...the final scrap between Daniels and Snipes didn't disappoint either.


The negatives being the (almost) non-stop 'avid fart'/black and white filters/overlays/slo-mo/speed-up techniques that pepper the first half (but thankfully wane off at the 40 minute mark) And Zanders plan/motives were also full of confusing plot holes:

A) Why did he open fire on a guy he (ultimately) had to keep alive?
B) Why not wait utill Smith had the money, before attempting the sting?
C) Why not kill Marcus when he had a clear chance?


Plot holes aside, the movie has enough plus points to outweigh the negative aspects. The 12 minute 'Making-Of' also highlights the fact that (cash-struck) Detroit has great 'Tax Incentives' for film-makers (wow.... an action movie that Michael Moore could be proud of?) and it's basic one (or two) main settings adds to the claustrophobic tension, that most Wesley Snipes films lack. Plus his IRS problems prevented the star from leaving the country, meaning this movie was NOT filmed in Romania.


Final thoughts: If you watch only one GAME OF DEATH, make it the 1978 Bruce Lee (cut-and-paste-ploitation) classic (which is still light years ahead of any 'homage' from any 'lantern-jawed hack director') However, if you want a brutal, good looking action thriller (despite early headache inducing avid farts) with a above average DTV cast....Wesley Snipes finally delivers the goods. I'm now looking to acquire the movie on Blu-Ray (if that's any kind of recommendation?) despite having 50+ discs and still not owning a player

(The 'Money-Shot' of the movie)

STREET WARS (2011) Steven Seagal

More tepid 'Seagalism', as the (yet-to-be-broadcast) series TRUE JUSTICE, spawns another deceitful 2 episode mix-up, masquerading as a feature film. DEADLY JUSTICE was the plodding first entry in the adventures of Seattle sheriff Elijah Kane and his crack (addict) team of awe-struck cops....is STREET WARS (effectively episodes 3 and 4) any better?

Picture opens at a rave club. Pretty young things are 'shaking their meat to the disco beat' as a shifty looking drug dealer, Tom, is selling 'ecstasy pills' to a young dancers (oooh, how topical!) Despite it being clearly night-time, we bizarrely cross-cut back and forth with Kane and his crew, chasing some 'free-running' criminals, who are jumping around like the mad monkey fighter from OUT FOR A KILL.....in broad daylight!

("Snap you bastard!")

Of course, we all know that Kane's younger (fitter) colleagues haven't a chance of nailing this 'parkour-perp', so the monkey man has the decency to run past the stout sensei (saving him any kind of chase scene) whilst his (ever humbled) colleagues gush about how 'difficult' it was to catch him (again, stroking Seagals omnipotent ego)

(The only able-bodied guy to ever give Seagal an order)

Back to the rave club, the inane music, pointless slow-mo's and avid farts continue...the girl takes the pills and drops dead on the dancefloor (amidst unaffected party goers) On the other side of town, Sheriff Graves demands that Kane 'babysit' the mayors son Gates, (fuck me, Seagal actually having a higher power!) Gate's reckons himself as a ladies man (sorry Homes, only room for one 'pipe-layer' on this show)



The next day, we see Tom's father (a dead ringer for Montell Williams) stand off to some low-life mafioso wannabes in the middle of the street. As the convo gets heated, passers by take notice of these hoodrats (one even films them trying to accost 'montell' on his mobile phone, and is shot for his troubles) The hoods take Montell and flee the scene.

(At which point would you stop filming a guy coming at you with a gun?)

More soap opera histrionics ensue, as it transpires that Kanes right-hand man Andre Mason, has septicemia (requiring an inhaler......I guess given the skepticism the inhaler recieves, implies that only 'physical perfection' can reach the high benchmark that Kane sets himself and his team? On top of all this, Masons wife is also pregnant, plus her constant bitching of "Kane and the job consume every part of you" prompts her to leave the (lazy-eyed) defective detective.

(The 'BLAZING SADDLES' remake was coming along nicely)

Gates is scoring 'zero-play' with (one-time rookie) cop Sarah, who spurns his corny advances (like i said, only co-writer Seagal, gets the trim around here ) Kane and his team, find and arrest Tom at a rave. They question him about his supplies, and clue him in on the many subsequent deaths they have caused. Kane even asks "Where Yo Daddy?" to the bemused drug-dealer

(Typical sheriffs office....Swords, Guitars, blondes)

Turns out the sinister mafioso types all work for bigwig who's (Einstein-like) masterplan is to flood the existing dealers with his lethal supply, so he can step in with his 'good' drugs (wtf?) More drug related deaths follow. Gates goes behind the Kanes back, and cut side deals with a female DEA agent Stephanie, to get vital 'intel' on the case. Not long afterwards, Gates is ran over, and hospitalised during a shootout. Kane suspects that there's a 'Rat' in the force?

("This time...he's bringing out the big guns")

An incarcerated Tom tells kane the whereabouts of the bad guys drug factory, and Kane (with his superhuman cunning) deduces (correctly) that this is where Toms father is being held. Our elite team are soon there, shooting the shit out of various bad guys, and even Kane gets to thrown down some aikido on a few of the criminals. Toms dad is rescued, and all the bumbling bad guys (who don't come quietly) are blasted to piss.

(The 'Boss-With-No-Name' )

It's at this point, if you're still awake (or sober) you may notice the (more than obvious) shift between the two episodes. At this point we are introduced to the 'Head Honcho' behind the fatal drugs. I don't think they give him a name (but the henchmen call him "Boss" a lot) and to be honest, I'm in no mood to watch this fucker anytime soon, just to find his name. All I'll say is this:

1) He looks like the result of a 'ménage à trois' between Ed Lauter, Randy Quaid and Terry O'Quinn

2) He is introduced, sat in his limousine watching a (brief) snippet of 'A DANGEROUS MAN' on his television

("Yes your honour, he accidentally broke both his arms before killing himself")

Anyhow, turns out Kane left one survivor of the drugs raid (well, this is tv after all) and he's been shipped to prison. The 'Boss-With-No-Name' orders the survivor to be 'shanked', and Kane arrives, just as the hitman has dropped the blade. Despite being caught red-handed, he (wisely) pleads "I have no beef with you" to a disinterested Kane, who glibly retorts "You will, when you get done with this beating man" before kicking the living fuck out of him and promptly slashing his throat (True Justice indeed) A few more scenes like this, wouldn't have gone amiss.

After a hard day, killing and maiming, Sheriff Kane likes nothing better than sitting in his office, playing guitar (instead of trying to catch criminals) and seems oddly annoyed at having 'police work' interrupt his 'slowhand'

(Eric Clapped-out)

DEA agent Stephanie is found shot to shit. Kane smells a rat (or is it the script?) and has a private meeting with her boss (DEA big cheese) Jack, warning him about the 'rat'they agree to share 'intel' on the case, starting with access to Stephanies computer files. Back at the police station, a (camp as tents) film-maker Seban (Bryon Mann, underused as usual, but having fun for a change) is making a movie about inner city crime, and has it on approval by the Mayor, that Kane let himself and cameraman tag along (given the hospitalisation of his nephew, I'd say this Mayor was a fucking idiot?)

(Oh Mann)

Whilst out filming, Mason, Sebon and the film-crew are soon kidnapped by thugs and taken to an abandoned warehouse (tm) and set as bait for Kane and Co,. The goons boobytrap the building with explosives. Will Kane detect the tripwires (is Russell Brand deeply unfunny?) A shootout follows with the younger bucks, whilst Kane (replete with epileptic editting) chops his way through the few remaining bad-guys (accompanied by a thumping 'Nu-Metal' score) After fucking up (rather easily) the only bad guy who had a chance of fighting back, Sensei Kane remarks "It's a shame you couldn't fight better man, I'da love to kill yo ass!" Sarah gets an eleventh hour phone call from Gates, which is a vital clue to the identity of the 'rat' in the force.

("Steady on fucko!")

Putting two-and-two-together, Kane arrests DEA boss Jack for being the mole (and for Stephanie's murder) and soon everyone is at the hospital bedside of Gates, making shit-eating grins. Gates it appears has cut the mustard as a cop, resulting in the following (and quite frankly...expected) final ego-stroke for the Stout Sensei:

Kane "I got somebody I gotta see, so I gotta hurry"

Gates "Figures.......Who is it this week?"

Enter a glamorous woman (at least 35 years younger than her date) walk in, plant a kiss on our hero.

Kane "What, this one?.......This womans stalking me.......She's stalking me"

(Women want him...Men wanna' be him)

STREET WARS has a few fight scenes here and there, but (sadly) it's obvious why this hasn't been syndicated yet (quite frankly, it's even duller than it's predecessor) Once again editing two plodding episodes together, doesn't make it any more exciting (or coherent) In a David Lynchian stroke, one scene jumps forward (quote) "THREE DAYS LATER" just to accommodate a plot contrivance, only to be followed (a minute later) with "BACK TO PRESENT"....Maybe Tarantino can fool the masses with shit like this, but it's a huge 'fuck you' to it's audience, that makes me angry for buying this fucking release in the first place.

(At least someone's getting a kick out of Street Wars?)

Seagal seems bored (and all this 'nice' stuff is making me yearn for him to utter "Chickenshit-Fucking-Pussy-Asshole" once in a while) The few fight scenes are filmed and edited by Michael J fox (on ritalin) with nary a trademark 'Aikido-move' amongst them. A few minor (trademark) ego strokes and moments of 'What-The-Fuck-Ness' hardly justifies a lethargic 90 minute snooze-fest. I tell you, if this wasn't Seagal up on the screen, i'd be out on the streets, fucking up all and sundry, demanding my money back.


For Seagal completists, and movie perverts (like myself) only!