Wednesday, 4 May 2011

STREET WARS (2011) Steven Seagal

More tepid 'Seagalism', as the (yet-to-be-broadcast) series TRUE JUSTICE, spawns another deceitful 2 episode mix-up, masquerading as a feature film. DEADLY JUSTICE was the plodding first entry in the adventures of Seattle sheriff Elijah Kane and his crack (addict) team of awe-struck STREET WARS (effectively episodes 3 and 4) any better?

Picture opens at a rave club. Pretty young things are 'shaking their meat to the disco beat' as a shifty looking drug dealer, Tom, is selling 'ecstasy pills' to a young dancers (oooh, how topical!) Despite it being clearly night-time, we bizarrely cross-cut back and forth with Kane and his crew, chasing some 'free-running' criminals, who are jumping around like the mad monkey fighter from OUT FOR A broad daylight!

("Snap you bastard!")

Of course, we all know that Kane's younger (fitter) colleagues haven't a chance of nailing this 'parkour-perp', so the monkey man has the decency to run past the stout sensei (saving him any kind of chase scene) whilst his (ever humbled) colleagues gush about how 'difficult' it was to catch him (again, stroking Seagals omnipotent ego)

(The only able-bodied guy to ever give Seagal an order)

Back to the rave club, the inane music, pointless slow-mo's and avid farts continue...the girl takes the pills and drops dead on the dancefloor (amidst unaffected party goers) On the other side of town, Sheriff Graves demands that Kane 'babysit' the mayors son Gates, (fuck me, Seagal actually having a higher power!) Gate's reckons himself as a ladies man (sorry Homes, only room for one 'pipe-layer' on this show)

The next day, we see Tom's father (a dead ringer for Montell Williams) stand off to some low-life mafioso wannabes in the middle of the street. As the convo gets heated, passers by take notice of these hoodrats (one even films them trying to accost 'montell' on his mobile phone, and is shot for his troubles) The hoods take Montell and flee the scene.

(At which point would you stop filming a guy coming at you with a gun?)

More soap opera histrionics ensue, as it transpires that Kanes right-hand man Andre Mason, has septicemia (requiring an inhaler......I guess given the skepticism the inhaler recieves, implies that only 'physical perfection' can reach the high benchmark that Kane sets himself and his team? On top of all this, Masons wife is also pregnant, plus her constant bitching of "Kane and the job consume every part of you" prompts her to leave the (lazy-eyed) defective detective.

(The 'BLAZING SADDLES' remake was coming along nicely)

Gates is scoring 'zero-play' with (one-time rookie) cop Sarah, who spurns his corny advances (like i said, only co-writer Seagal, gets the trim around here ) Kane and his team, find and arrest Tom at a rave. They question him about his supplies, and clue him in on the many subsequent deaths they have caused. Kane even asks "Where Yo Daddy?" to the bemused drug-dealer

(Typical sheriffs office....Swords, Guitars, blondes)

Turns out the sinister mafioso types all work for bigwig who's (Einstein-like) masterplan is to flood the existing dealers with his lethal supply, so he can step in with his 'good' drugs (wtf?) More drug related deaths follow. Gates goes behind the Kanes back, and cut side deals with a female DEA agent Stephanie, to get vital 'intel' on the case. Not long afterwards, Gates is ran over, and hospitalised during a shootout. Kane suspects that there's a 'Rat' in the force?

("This time...he's bringing out the big guns")

An incarcerated Tom tells kane the whereabouts of the bad guys drug factory, and Kane (with his superhuman cunning) deduces (correctly) that this is where Toms father is being held. Our elite team are soon there, shooting the shit out of various bad guys, and even Kane gets to thrown down some aikido on a few of the criminals. Toms dad is rescued, and all the bumbling bad guys (who don't come quietly) are blasted to piss.

(The 'Boss-With-No-Name' )

It's at this point, if you're still awake (or sober) you may notice the (more than obvious) shift between the two episodes. At this point we are introduced to the 'Head Honcho' behind the fatal drugs. I don't think they give him a name (but the henchmen call him "Boss" a lot) and to be honest, I'm in no mood to watch this fucker anytime soon, just to find his name. All I'll say is this:

1) He looks like the result of a 'ménage à trois' between Ed Lauter, Randy Quaid and Terry O'Quinn

2) He is introduced, sat in his limousine watching a (brief) snippet of 'A DANGEROUS MAN' on his television

("Yes your honour, he accidentally broke both his arms before killing himself")

Anyhow, turns out Kane left one survivor of the drugs raid (well, this is tv after all) and he's been shipped to prison. The 'Boss-With-No-Name' orders the survivor to be 'shanked', and Kane arrives, just as the hitman has dropped the blade. Despite being caught red-handed, he (wisely) pleads "I have no beef with you" to a disinterested Kane, who glibly retorts "You will, when you get done with this beating man" before kicking the living fuck out of him and promptly slashing his throat (True Justice indeed) A few more scenes like this, wouldn't have gone amiss.

After a hard day, killing and maiming, Sheriff Kane likes nothing better than sitting in his office, playing guitar (instead of trying to catch criminals) and seems oddly annoyed at having 'police work' interrupt his 'slowhand'

(Eric Clapped-out)

DEA agent Stephanie is found shot to shit. Kane smells a rat (or is it the script?) and has a private meeting with her boss (DEA big cheese) Jack, warning him about the 'rat'they agree to share 'intel' on the case, starting with access to Stephanies computer files. Back at the police station, a (camp as tents) film-maker Seban (Bryon Mann, underused as usual, but having fun for a change) is making a movie about inner city crime, and has it on approval by the Mayor, that Kane let himself and cameraman tag along (given the hospitalisation of his nephew, I'd say this Mayor was a fucking idiot?)

(Oh Mann)

Whilst out filming, Mason, Sebon and the film-crew are soon kidnapped by thugs and taken to an abandoned warehouse (tm) and set as bait for Kane and Co,. The goons boobytrap the building with explosives. Will Kane detect the tripwires (is Russell Brand deeply unfunny?) A shootout follows with the younger bucks, whilst Kane (replete with epileptic editting) chops his way through the few remaining bad-guys (accompanied by a thumping 'Nu-Metal' score) After fucking up (rather easily) the only bad guy who had a chance of fighting back, Sensei Kane remarks "It's a shame you couldn't fight better man, I'da love to kill yo ass!" Sarah gets an eleventh hour phone call from Gates, which is a vital clue to the identity of the 'rat' in the force.

("Steady on fucko!")

Putting two-and-two-together, Kane arrests DEA boss Jack for being the mole (and for Stephanie's murder) and soon everyone is at the hospital bedside of Gates, making shit-eating grins. Gates it appears has cut the mustard as a cop, resulting in the following (and quite frankly...expected) final ego-stroke for the Stout Sensei:

Kane "I got somebody I gotta see, so I gotta hurry"

Gates "Figures.......Who is it this week?"

Enter a glamorous woman (at least 35 years younger than her date) walk in, plant a kiss on our hero.

Kane "What, this one?.......This womans stalking me.......She's stalking me"

(Women want him...Men wanna' be him)

STREET WARS has a few fight scenes here and there, but (sadly) it's obvious why this hasn't been syndicated yet (quite frankly, it's even duller than it's predecessor) Once again editing two plodding episodes together, doesn't make it any more exciting (or coherent) In a David Lynchian stroke, one scene jumps forward (quote) "THREE DAYS LATER" just to accommodate a plot contrivance, only to be followed (a minute later) with "BACK TO PRESENT"....Maybe Tarantino can fool the masses with shit like this, but it's a huge 'fuck you' to it's audience, that makes me angry for buying this fucking release in the first place.

(At least someone's getting a kick out of Street Wars?)

Seagal seems bored (and all this 'nice' stuff is making me yearn for him to utter "Chickenshit-Fucking-Pussy-Asshole" once in a while) The few fight scenes are filmed and edited by Michael J fox (on ritalin) with nary a trademark 'Aikido-move' amongst them. A few minor (trademark) ego strokes and moments of 'What-The-Fuck-Ness' hardly justifies a lethargic 90 minute snooze-fest. I tell you, if this wasn't Seagal up on the screen, i'd be out on the streets, fucking up all and sundry, demanding my money back.

For Seagal completists, and movie perverts (like myself) only!


  1. Great review. We don't have these releases in the U.S. yet. This looks like classic Seagal ridiculousness.

  2. Shame this is looking so watered-down. I'll get them when they are all three quid or something.

  3. Like i said, if it wasn't Seagal...I wouldn't bother with it. Hopefully it won't spawn a second series, and Seagal can go back to making good old fashioned violent DTV movies. Maybe HBO could have done something appropriate with Seagals 'charm'....but this is weaker than WALKER TEXAS RANGER.

  4. haven't got it yet!but i'm waiting for it!it's the only "movie" missing from my Seagalogy temple!Do you have the STEVEN SEAGAL LAWMAN series?!

  5. This looks like a hard core painfest. Ten years ago, here in the States, that Seagal show would've been syndicated in a heartbeat along with Beastmaster and Mutant X, but that market is done for good. The fact that the movies made out of the series haven't been released over here is odd though, because he still moves Red Box and Netflix numbers quite a bit, and TV channels still show his movies.

  6. The problem with this show is that (despite being four episodes in...i.e, two movies) every episode is underwritten. The crimes, villains and supporting characters are just dull as dishwater (and it's just not profane or violent enough to live up to the 'Seagal' standard)
    And if you think Seagal doesn't invest enough time to his can imagine how little he brings to a 45 minute show.

    I'll be glad when he goes back to making DTV movies