Friday, 7 May 2010
CYBORG COP (1993) David Bradley
The 80's spawned the TERMINATOR and ROBOCOP franchise. But it wasn't til the 90's (and the success of T2) that low budget film-makers jumped on the 'Cyborg' genre with gusto.
Nu-Image (just as PM Entertainment before them) were experts at getting as much 'Bang-for-your-buck' as their meagre budgets would allow, and swamped the video shelves with lurid action flicks, Erotic thrillers, Martial Arts Mash-ups and Futuristic Sci-Fi.
Their 1993 action/martial arts/sci-fi flick CYBORG COP (replete with token 'erotic scene' as standard) has to be seen (preferrably conscious) to be disbelieved (oh yeah, and laughed at)
Back in 1993, this probably seemed a cool concept, and if the budget had only stretched beyond it's $300 limit, then SCHINDLERS LIST might* have had some serious competition at the oscars.
David (American Ninja 3, 4 & 5) Bradley plays disgraced Ex DEA agent 'Jack' (no complicatd surnames required) Jack's been suspended, since he shot a psycho who'd taken a hostage (don't ask......okay then, if you insist....turns out the psycho was the son of a infuential millionaire, who got Jack kicked off the force...three cheers for the American justice system!) Down, but not out, Jack is soon sprung back into action when he gets word that his 'Special Forces' brother 'Phillip', has not returned from a covert operation on the Caribbean island of St. Keith. However we, the (desperate) viewer know only too well, that Phillip has been captured and re-built as a (dramatic pause........wait for it....) CYBORG!!
It seems that the island of St. Keith is run by an evil meglomaniac scientist, called Kessel (played in full-tilt 'Lancashirian' mode, by John Rhys Davies) who not only posseses the "Ee, bah gum" and "Ecky Thump" accent, but also has a penchant for dressing like 'The Man From Del Monte' in a series of (rather unflattering) white suits.
David Bradley (who's actually a half decent martial artist) proves that you don't need muscles like Schwarzenegger to defeat a 'Tetley Tea-drinking-meglomaniac-scientist' like Kessel..... Because Jack has the ultimate weapon in this movie. Jack has a (once seen, never forgotten) FANNYPACK!
Not just any old common-garden dayglo green 'nylon' fannypack...but a badass black Leather one (which matches his belt, replete with gold medalion trinkets, that rounds off his whole Alannah Miles look to a treat) and what's even worse is:
A) It hangs down, just enough to look like a codpiece.
B) He never takes it off, throughout the movie (i shit thee not!)
Anyhow, back to the plot (or lack of?)
Upon arriving at St. Keith, Jack teams up with nosey (busty, blonde) reporter Cathy, and the two begin a 'love-hate' realationship (leading to the inevitable 'soft-focus-love-scene)
Amidst your yawns, I hear you cry "What about the Cyborgs?"
Let me tell you, Stan Winston and ILM should have called it quits, the day this movie hit the shelves (check out the 'cyborg' designs below)
Kessel has invented a new form of metalic substance (so flexible, it resembles cheapo 'silver-painted' rubber) to adorn his prized creations. These badboys don't need T2 morphing FX, these guys have 'Freddy Kruger' style fingernails, tin-foil headgear and rubber chest-plates.
Meanwhile, after various scrapes in the Caribbean (a'la ROMANCING THE STONE) the scene is set for an all out war between Jack and his Cyborg brother (will Phillip shun his Cyborg programming, team up with Jack, kill Kessel and fight off another super human Cyborg assassin, only to die, saving his brother, leaving the fannypacked crusader to decapitate the Cyborg assassin with a motorbike?.........Well, that would be telling!)
CYBORG COP is a masterpiece of trash movie-making. It's a shame it bypassed cinemas*, because when watched with a bunch of friends (if only?) the film is a hoot (and alcohol only makes it funnier.) From Bradleys histronic performance (and hair) Rhys Davies' camp-Brian Glover impersonation, and the ropey looking rubber/metal cyborgs.......this movie has it all (and even spawned a sequel, which i'll get round to reviewing in the near future)
01:37 (Psychopathic hostage taker "I want my mommmy...or I'll blow her fucking head off!")
25:24 (Jack - "You sonaffabitch!")
26:36 (Jacks hilarious fight scene with his ex boss, who's cockney accent keeps shining through)
27:57 (Kessel's pointless 'wall-installed-robot-arm' called Michael, that hangs up the phone)
30:00 (Kessels hilarious interogation of Cyborg Cop Phillip)
40:27 (Kessel - "Allow me t'present...The K3 prototype Sarborg Assassin")
42:46 (Kessel looks at rival bosses henchman - "He's a big lad, isn't he?........My word, a big lad!")
44:40 (Kessel seals a $25m deal with - "Right then, how bout a nice cup o'tea?")
56:28 (Rastafarian "Yeah boi, he one gud whyte boi fighter!")
58:24 (Token love-making sequence)
60:21 (Kessel affectionately taps henchman on cheek - "Oooh, i could smack you sometimes" then blows him a kiss)
77:41 (Kessel - "And with all due modesty my dear Captain Callan, I may say that I am the greatest scientist on Earth!!")
85:22 (Kessel - "Phillip...I command you..... kill your brother!")
(*= Not really)
(*= Would be a great double-bill with Castellari's HAMMERHEAD)