PENITENTIARY 3 (1987) Leon Issac Kennedy

Everyone has a favourite ROCKY movie, some prefer the grittiness of the 1976 original, others love the music-video 80's jingoism of Rocky IV. My favourite is Rocky III, closely followed by the (much-maligned) Rocky V.
In the crazy universe of the Penitentiary movies, I've always preferred Penitentiary II, but after my fourth viewing of Penitentiary III in the space of a week (I shit thee not) it's dawned on me how (bat-shit) crazy PIII actually is. Sure, PII has crop-tops, roller-boots, and a Arabian-attired Mr T (not to mention a great Rudy Ray Moore cameo) But in retrospect, it's suddenly dawned on me that PIII makes PII look like Raging Bull in comparison.

Once again, Jamaa Fanaka (lousy name....but worth a score of 27+ in 'Scrabble') directs. And he wastes little time, by getting straight to the action, as we witness Martel 'Too-Sweet' Cordone (Leon Issac Kennedy) battling it out in the ring against El Cid. The commentators explain that Too-Sweet and El Cid have a great respect for one another and are friends outside the ring. But unbeknown to Too-Sweet, his shady trainer has slipped a 'strength inducing drug' into his water, resulting in our hero going fucking apeshit and pulling all kinds of WWF-moves in the boxing ring, eventually killing his opponent (whilst the trainer that drugged him screams "That's enough Too-Sweet!" .....what an asshole!)

Sat in the back of a paddy wagon, a voice over informs us that Too-Sweet has been given 3 years in the 'Pen' for manslaughter. The slow 'sax' music during this sequence, is soon revealed (in true Naked Gun style) to be an actual saxophonist in the vehicle with them (how and where he managed to hide that, is Anyone's guess?) But this scene serves as an early warning of the many 'What-The-Fuck' moments to come.

(Sax and Violence)

Roscoe puts down his sax and informs our hero (and us) that the Penitentiary has a boxing league, and that the warden is looking for talent for his upcoming tournament. But Too-Sweet just wants to do his 'time' and keep out of trouble. There's another guy in the van (some mulleted Michael Nouri looking motherfucker) who keeps boasting about murdering his wife.

The warden tries to convince Too-Sweet to join the boxing contest, but our hero refuses to join his team. However, what Gordone doesn't know is that the Warden is deep in gambling debts to the real power behind the prison...... millionaire Serenghetti (played by Billy Drago wannabe, Anthony Geary) replete with 'Muttley-like-asthmatic laugh, long-winded speeches and camp gestures.

(Sausage casserole was on the menu most nights)

Serenghetti may be an inmate, but he's so fucking rich, his cell resembles a mansion. He has a live-in 'he/she' bitch (named Cleo) a french waiter, red curtains covering the bars and (wait for it) his own privately filmed access of the prison gymnasium.

Soon enough the Michael-Nouri-lookalike soon loudmouths his way into trouble and later that night is paid a visit by Serengetti's toughest weapon...a fierce Black Dwarf, kept in an underground dungeon and fed a staple diet of 'blurry' pornography and crack cocaine.

His name is 'The Midnight Thud' and his objectives are as follows:

1) Grunt insanely.
2) Wear leather fetish gear.
3) Rape the living shit out of fresh inmates.

4) Have a peanut shaped cranium.

(Three meals a day....Four on 'Shower Nights')


Thud is dragged by chains from his dungeon, by two guards (one of which has the worse comedy stutter EVER) and thrown into the loud-mouths cell, where he is brutally raped/beaten (Thankfully this 'Romantic-Interlude' takes place off-screen) although we still get to hear the screaming inmates shouting such pleasantries as "Break him in for me Thud!" during the assault.



Too-Sweet turns down Serengetti's offer to box for his team...resulting in 'The Pint-sized pervert' being unleashed to our hero's cell. However, Too-sweet will not break or (literally) bend to the 'Thudsucker Proxy', resulting in one of the funniest, perverse fights ever committed to film. Too Sweet (clad only in underpants) goes 'Mano-O-Half-Mano with the degenerate dwarf. And just when You think it can't get any crazier, Midnight Thud starts waving his arms around and starts flying around the cell (I shit thee not)



Much 'fisting' later (oohh-eeerr!) Too-sweet looks defeated (gasp!) Thud takes time from his homosexual rape duties to snack on one of Too-sweets Oranges (big mistake fucko!) as the theft of fruit from the 'fruity thief' (geddit?) enrages our battered hero, who makes little haste in throwing the pint-sized rapist head first into the prison gate (ouch!) The guards return to find Too-Sweet with both orange (and 'Cherry') intact. Serengetti' doesn't like this, and has 'Thud' returned to his dungeon (for more 'Snap, Crack And popshots') and orders Too-sweet to be tortured with electrodes. It transpires (in flashbacks) that Midnight Thud has also had 'shock therapy' treatment.

(Not the first time Roscoe had 'Sweet Nut' all over his back)

Alone, battered, bruised (and in serious need of some hair-activator) Too-sweet is a shadow of his former self. With only the dungeon rats for company. Roscoe, drops on by the dungeon, bringing food and news of the upcoming boxing contest. And amazingly enough, Roscoe wants the 'Sweet-One' to train him(don't ask?) The warden agrees but insists that any training be done in the dungeon (away from the prying camera of Serengetti) Sadly, the training involves little more than a squatting Two sweet ordering Roscoe to run up and down the smoke filled dungeon (with the occasional sit-up thrown in for diverse measure)

(I think I prefer Serengetti's girlfriend?)

The tournament starts (hell there's even female boxers) and (amazingly, given his shite training montage) Roscoe is doing well and to show his gratitude to his mentor, he not only fights under the name of 'SWEET-NUT' (insert crude gag here)....But he also sets up Too-Sweet with a female boxer (see above) And whilst the 'Sweet One' is 'knocking the boots' in the locker-room, Roscoe faces one of Serengetti's toughest fighters, named 'See-Veer' (played by none other than Danny-Fucking-Trejo!) But See-Veer has been given the same 'drug' that landed Too-Sweet in the joint in the first place.

(Roscoe vs Trejo)

Roscoe gets the initial upper hand, but See-Veer (and his super-drug) are too powerful, resulting in 'Sweet-Nut' in a state of 'Uber-Fubar' Forcing (a once reluctant) Too-sweet to throw his hat into the tournament, and threatening to go (quote) "No Holds Barred" with any of Serengetti's men...including his number one henchman (and Hulk Hogan wannabe) Hugo. The Warden agrees to the fight to go ahead, and Too-Sweet returns to the dungeon to prepare for his upcoming battle Royal.

("Showin' how funky and strong is your fight...It doesn't matter who's wrong or right")

More lame training montages continue....That is, until the biggest fucking turnaround (in a movie already full of epic turnarounds).....Midnight Thud becomes a good guy (having given up the institutionalised male rape and murder) and begs Too-Sweet to help him train. Midnight Thud (who's real name is revealed to be Jessop) trains Too-Sweet in the spiritual side of fighting (oh, and also the crazy merits of slamming dungeon doors on your pupils arms?)

("Could I just leave you this Jehovah Witness pamphlet...Argghh!")

Serengetti tries to offer Hugo a vial of the superdrug....in case Too-Sweet gets the upper hand. But hugo (replete with gold lamé robe) refuses. Ten floors below the prison, the warden is giving Too-Sweet a last minute pep-talk about winning, and taking Serengetti to the cleaners (thus reclaiming power of the prison) Whilst at the same time offering Two-Sweet use of Roscoe's robe (on the provision that it'll bring him luck) Given that Roscoe is still hospitalised and on a critical-list....it's hardly a 'Lucky Charm' now...is it?

("Check out my new iphone")

Cut to the big fight and after a brief posing contest between Hugo and Jessop (don't ask?) The camera pans to Too-Sweet, decked out in a black codpiece and lightweight gloves (think Bruce Lee at the beginning of Enter The Dragon) . And the 'Bruce-Lee-isms' don't end there folks, because Ol' Too Sweet starts adopting some Game Of Death style fighting tactics towards his bigger opponent. Given that Leon Issac Kennedy rarely convinced as a genuine boxer...he makes a even less convincing martial artist...But the sudden lapse into kung-foolery (probably at the insistence of Cannon) only makes it funnier!

(Oh dear!)

During this lengthy fight, the emphasis switches from Boxing to martial arts to wrestling (replete with jessop and his non-stop audible rants of "Oak Tree" and "Inner Man" (not the best phrase for a former gay rapist to utter) But given his Jamaican patois, it sounds like "Enema" anyhow?

(Bruce Leeroy)

Too Sweet continues with the Bruce Lee mannerisms (hands on knees, the nose wipe, the fighting yelps) Whilst Hugo finds his inner Hulk Hogan, and starts throwing our hero around in wrestling moves. But just as it appears to settle into generic 'Punchfight' mode, Fanaka throws in one final scene of utter fucking madness. Hugo throws Two-Sweet flying across the room in slo-mo. Bouncing off a wall, Too-Sweet leaves a blood-stained pattern of the 'Crucifix' (replete with Biblical organ music) not only allowing Too-Sweet the spiritual strength to continue, but also the physical strength required to kick several shades of shite out of Hugo. This long confirms what many exploitation fans had secvretly guessed since the early eighties...Penitentiary is a metaphor for the Bible (sort of?)

(The Biblical denouement)

With the fight over, Too-Sweet races to Serengetti's plush cell (it seems that man-bitch Cleo has long gone) and our Hero slaps the tyrant around a little, before proclaiming that Serengetti is not worth it (weird, because Serengetti masterminded everything bad that happened to Too-Sweet throughout the movie?)

("I'm not gay...but my boyfriend is!")

The warden (who has now reclaimed power from Serengetti, due to a hefty wager on the fight) is pleased as punch with our hero, and (whilst leading him back to his dungeon, nonetheless) fills Too-Sweet in on some last minute (let's-tie-the-whole-plot-up) bullshit information, including:

1) Two-Sweet can return back upstairs in the Penitentiary
2) Roscoe is on the mend
3) He's kept some money aside for a good lawyer for Too-Sweet
4) He promises to "Never misappropriate prison funding again" (Surely illegal?)
5) A cure for AIDS (ok, I made that last one up...but it would have rounded things off nicely?)

Two-Sweet prefers the peace of the dungeon, so the warden walks away (probably uninterested) with a shit eating grin on his chubby face (When quite frankly, 'Gambling with State prison funds' makes the warden the biggest criminal in the movie.)

And just when you think the goodtimes have ended, the movie ends on a bitchin' late 80's synth soul ballad, entitled 'Doing Time' and sung (if that's the correct term?) by Bruce Fisher. It's a haunting ballad (that combines the complexities of both Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues and Ice-T's The Tower sang with all the intensity of Philip Michael Thomas )

I've lovingly sat down and deciphered all the haunting lyrics, and typed them up, for your musical pleasure.

Lost a woman...And a family
Gave me a number...took my i-i-i-dentity
I might as well be living on Mars
Locked behind these bars.

I'm......Doing time
I'm......Doing time

Lost my free-e-dom....and my dignity
To the outside world...I'm just a memory
I might as well be living on Mars
Than behind these bars.

Oooohhh...I'm......Doing time
I-i-i-i-i'm......Doing time

(Sax solo)

I might as well be living on Mars
Than behind these bars...Behind these bars.

Doing time
Doing time

When I was out there on on the street I thought I was having fun
Now I won't breathe the free air Until the year two-thousand-one
And if you see my mother, ask her will she pray for me
Cause' they're trying to steal my soul in this Penitentiary
I'm......Doing tiiiiiiiiiime Ooooh, oooh
Iiiiiii'm...yes I'm doing time

(Nothing wrong with 'putting an old friend up' for the night)

Penitentiary III is a must for bad-movie lovers. What should have been a generic 'Cannon' action pic, becomes one of their most obscure and interesting 'risk' movies since Barfly or Tough Guys Don't Dance (and I say that in all seriousness) And it's not to say that Penitentiary III isn't chock full of clichés....It's the almost surreal and rapid fire way they're all trotted out, that sets it apart from other 'action' movies. Don't believe me?....check out the scene where Midnight Thud exhales crack fumes to a nearby rat. I haven't seen anything THAT twisted since the Frog sequence from The Nightcomers (1972)

Jamaa Fanaka still can't tell a coherent story (nor direct traffic in Lapland) but that sort of works in the favour of the trilogy. Regardless of your favourite in the series, they all retain that twisted (almost perverse) lack of logic, that never really altered from the original in 79 to this one in 87. Whilst other movie franchises (big or small) moved on with the times, the Penitentiary saga stuck to it's surreal outlook throughout. If it aint broke......

Leon Issac Kennedy has always been a likeable presence in everything he's put his name to. It's a shame he got out of acting, and became a minister, but i guess our loss, is Gods gain. As it is, he's left a pretty good legacy a movies in his brief career. I don't know if he'd be willing to come back for one more round as Martel Cordone (hey, if Stallone can do it......why not Kennedy?) And Fanakka is still 'above ground' (so to speak) So here's to hoping?

Before I get too maudlin (and start crying) let me finish this (already, overextended) review, by whole-heartedly recommending Penitentiary III (and the other two) as three of the finest examples of low-budget, off-beat, crazy, beer-and-buddies movies ever created. It's just a shame I had to convert my old VHS version over to DVD+R to get the required screenshots for my review. This badboy has yet to have a DVD release. All of the Penitentiary movies should be available on hi-def 26 disc Blu-Ray/DVD combi packs (as of yesterday)

Highly Recommended

THE FOREIGNER (2003) Steven Seagal

First off....................Happy new year readers.

After a lengthy break (of which there's been little 'modeling work' to fall back on) the endless (nay, tireless) reviews from the likes of our chums at Direct To Video Connoisseur and Comeuppance Reviews have spurred me (off the cider, and) back to reviewing duff movies. What better a title to choose, than the movie which led Sensei Seagals lamentable descent into DTV lunacy...The Foreigner.

(No, that's NOT Prince Harry)

Big Steve plays Jonathan Cold, a mysterious gun-for-hire (with a 'military' past tm) who is hired to transport a mysterious package from France to Germany (with no questions asked) by a shady Billionaire named Alexander Marquee (under the orders of sinister industrialist Jerome Van Aken) The mysterious package however is also wanted by other various 'bad-guy' types, who'll stop at nothing to retrieve it from Cold. And with that, the chase is on....

(Nor is THAT peter Gabriel)

On the road with the package, Cold is teamed up Dunoir (Max Ryan) and so begins a love-hate (although usually 'hate') sense of trust between the two assassins. This would make for interesting viewing as a game of cat-and-mouse between two highly skilled rivals...But as usual Dunoir hasn't got a snowballs chance in hell, of landing a punch on Cold's chin. So it basically becomes a case of 'double/quadruple cross' pretty much throughout the picture, as Cold leaves not only Dunoir, the rivals...And us (the audience) baffled about the whereabouts (or relevance) of the mysterious package? And for the 'hero' of the movie, Cold certainly lives up his name, by letting a whole lot of innocent people get wasted to save his own hide (Swapping his car and jacket to some luckless tourist, not to mention the many innocents blown up at a train station)

(Piss-Piss-Bang-Bang)

And sadly the confusion doesn't stop there, because even the 'linkage' scenes are rather jumbled also. Which wouldn't be a bad thing, as you'd expect Spy Thrillers are meant to have red-herrings and a haphazard sense of logic...but these lapses are usually resolved, come the end credits. Regrettably, The Foreigner makes little sense throughout, and not content with one confusing story, it throws up another four or five pointless and unexplained sub-plots (none of which receive 'closure')

(The Foreigner III: Grave danger....geddit?)

First off, it's established that Cold is ex-KGB (?) But that his brother is active C.I.A, whilst their recently deceased father was a 'American Ambassador to Poland' (divided-family-loyalties indeed?) all of these sub-plots add up to nothing, come the end of the movie.



Then there's the 'Package'....Which turns out (upon inspection by Cold) to be the 'Black-Box' recording equipment from a passenger plane that was blown up by a missile. But it's never really explained why such secrecy or security of the box is warranted (nor needed) as it's common knowledge to all and sundry, that the plane was bombed. And why not intercept the package from the (relatively harmless) people that Cold and Dunoir pick it up from?

(Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!)

And finally, Cold teaming up with a Merideth, (ex-wife of Van Aken) who is apparently threatening to break the story of the black box (wish she'd break it to the scriptwriter) as means of gaining custody of her daughter? Talk about a messy divorce.

("yeah, sure I'll look away")

Maybe none of this would matter a wet fucking fart, if the movie had at least some kick-ass Seagal action. Alas it seems, in 2003 Big Steve was trying to distance himself from out and out action fare, and the movie has about 2 (yes, TWO) fight scenes. Neither of them are up to scratch on previous (and subsequent) offerings, but at least we get a pumping 'techno' soundtrack during such limited pugilism. Which is a shame, because Director Michael Oblowitz throws in some great camera-work and opticals...Just a shame they serve only to 'sprinkle stardust on a turd'

(Being handcuffed to a parkour performer had it's flaws)

Not that I didn't enjoy it (hey, it's still Seagal after-all) but the average moviegoer (expecting another Under Siege) will feel either baffled, bored or short-changed (possibly all three?) But it did seem to kickstart the trend in 'euro-set' Seagal flicks with overly complex storylines, that serve only to fill out either a under-written script or actual lack of Seagal presence/interest. Seagal would (and still does) continue to throw in the 'Ex-CIA-Covert-Agent' persona into most of his characters, but to usually more enjoyable effect. However this time, when placed in such a lumbering story frame, it becomes a case of "All talk-No walk"....which sadly sums up The Foreigner much better than my (similar) lumbering, ill-thought out review. At worst, it's a dull and cryptic spy movie that makes little sense. At best, it looks great and is light years ahead of tosh like True Justice. So really it depends on your Seagal-Tolerance levels?



Franchise Pictures had this green-lit for a cinema release, but the lack of fights, confusing plot and luke warm box-office of Half Past Dead, let to the path of STV that would see Seagal make no less than 23 movies in the following 9 years (yet is still accused of being a lazy actor?) Seagal teamed up with Oblowitz for (the equally baffling, but fight-friendly) Out For A kill the same year, with slightly better results. What's worse is, Seagal felt the character of Jonathan Cold interesting enough, to warrant a sequel of sorts (called Black Dawn) in 2005

Classic Dialogue:

Cold (to Dunoir) "If you touch it again, I will blow your 2-inch dick off"

(Whoever smelt it...dealt it)

EAT AND RUN (1986) Ron Silver

Taking time off my legendary 'Prisoner Cell Block H' marathon (Ep 164 and counting) It's high time I reviewed this hugely' underrated comedy (and staple ITV 'Night-time' movie in the early 90's) starring the late (great) Ron Silver as bumbling detective Mickey McSorley. I won't bore anyone with my usual (would-be droll) intro shit, and just get straight down to facts.


Driving through a desert highway, an old man (named Aldo) hears a crash, followed by a blinding red light in the sky (probably the ONLY special effect in the entire movie) just before picking up a mono symbolic bald overweight hitch-hiker (Street Trash and Troma favourite R.L Ryan) who suddenly gets an attack of the munchies as Aldo announces that he's an Italian. Quicker than 'Gary Glitter on the next flight out to Vietnam' Aldo is eaten by the hitch-hiker (off screen off course) and all that is spat out are his buttons. The hitch-hiker is (in fact) an alien, and once he's eaten 'Italian' there's no shortage of ready meals as he (inexplicably) drives the stolen van towards Little Italy.


We cut to a police station (replete with cheesy sax music) and in the captains office, a voice-over informs us (in true Bogart-style) that here sits a broken down old slob of a man. All of this would be fine, except our hero (and humble narrator) Mickey McSorley is speaking his 'monologues' out loud...much to the displeasure of his foul-mouthed captain (who never stops eating) and seems more concerned that he (quote) "Ordered a Fudge the fish....and they sent me fucking Cookie-Face!" than the dozen of missing people in the Little Italy area. Like a toilet-less man (i.e. nothing to go on) McSorley decides to visit (Bleeding-heart) Judge Cohen, to see if she's let any homicidal maniacs out on bail this week.



Arriving at the courthouse, we see Judge Cohen picking out verdicts like lottery numbers. Despite her methods, McSorely has the hots for the foxy judge, and as she she starts to walk away, he laments over what to do, in this priceless scene:

McSorley: "Let her just walk out of my life like that? I had to do something and I had to do something fast, but what?...How? How could I tell her in a word or gesture, that she was the most elegant, most desirable woman I had ever seen in my life? There was only way...The universal language of love, I had to give it a try?" (He then shouts her) "YOUR HONOUR!"

She turns around (and true to his word) McSorley declares his passion with the following gesture:



Which obviously works, as we cut to them frolicking in the boudoir. Several positions later (a post-coital) McSorley opens his heart to his latest conquest:

McSorley: "How was it for you?"
Judge Cohen: "How was what for me?"
McSorley: "Forget it"

Judge Cohen: "What's the matter?"
McSorley: "I promised myself I would wouldn't fall in love again"
Judge Cohen: "Isn't that interesting, I did too"
McSorley: "Well, I guess I broke my promise"
Judge Cohen: "I didn't"

Judge Cohen: "You've been hurt haven't you?"
McSorley: "Who hasn't been?"
Judge Cohen: "Me"



It is then casually implied that Judge Cohen has also given our bumbling hero a dose of herpes for his troubles. With the Alien at large and the body-count rising, the Police Chief asks McSorley to guess how many people have gone missing (and also how many guesses one can have at guessing how many people have gone missing) which almost brings about a suspected connection between the names of the victims (which are: Cantonlli, Pucio, Gregagorio, Frederico, Ginelli, Impellateri, Leonardo, Martinelli, Robertero, Santini, Terasini and Sanbini) Neither he (or the Captain) see any link in the surnames.



McSorley hits the streets and questions an elderly road warden informs him that it may be down to the 'Norwegians', but it is our Heroes visit to Scarpettis Pizzeria' that brings him face to face with the Italian-eating Alien (who promptly eats Mr Scarpetti) However, McSorley has no bullets in his pistol (and despite vocalising the 'Bang' sound) the Alien flees the scene. Returning to the police station, McSorley informs the captain that a Alien is responsible for the murders, but his (dessert devouring) captain is more perplexed with "What to do with all these fucking Norwegians?" (....cue a shot of a family in viking hats, sat in the corner)



Back at home, McSorley is having more unmemorable sex with Judge Cohen (who he now refers to as "Your Honour Darling") Unmoved by any of McSorleys hang-ups, the Judge pleasures herself (off-screen) with a vibrator, as our ever grateful (and clearly, deaf) cop sings her praises for being so selfless. As her orgasmic screams become louder, McSorley is oblivious to it all.



McSorely (out of ideas) decides to visit his father, legendary sleuth Sorely McSorley (a Sherlock Holmes type English gent with an uncanny knack at deduction) hence his initial reaction to his sons visit:

Sorely McSorley: "He shifted his weight nervously. I could sense that he was troubled. The air had grown thicker, most likely from the dust on his shoes....That told me a lot. It was no ordinary dust, it was dust mixed with traces of soft coal emissions...the kind of soot common to only one area of Manhattan...South of 14th street. But it was a fine day and no-one would be firing a furnace...Unless it came from an are where there was a high concentration of pizza makers...Therefore I deduced that he had been spending a lot of time in Little Italy"

After also deducing that his son is clearly not capable of satisfying a women in bed, McSorley Snr concludes his findings on such slim clues:
"This was no ordinary killer he was after, otherwise he wouldn't be here?.........I had nothing to go on....only a hunch....But I felt it just might be a huge ugly creature from outer space"

Back at the station, the chief is busy grilling a cake delivery boy about a seven layered cake only containing six layers. And it's Dilemmas like this that force the chief to not only kick McSorley off the case, but also the police force. McSorley undeterred, has a plan, but it involves sneaking into the 'narcotics impound'...where he is sold a huge bag a morphine (but also forced into buying a complimentary steak-knife and designer patio furniture from the smart-ass desk-jockey) That night (after another round of bad sex) McSorley suggests that Judge Cohen release a known drug dealer into his custody (for rehabilitation purposes) when in fact, he plans to use the perp as bait for the alien. Judge Cohen agrees, and the next morning McSorley picks up his new charge. Our hero (foolishly) refers to the released criming as a "Pisher" resulting in the following exchange:

Dealer: "I'm a pusher not a pisher"
McSorley: "What's the difference?"
Dealer: "Are you kidding...Pisher takes the wrap...A pusher passes to a pisher"
McSorley: "Who passes to a pusher?"
Dealer: "A pasher"
McSorley: "Where's that?"
Dealer: "In Persia"
McSorley: "Ahh...So the pasher is from Persia?"
Dealer: "Originally he was from Prussia"
McSorley: "I see"
Dealer: "He drives around putting the pressure on the pushers"
McSorley: "In what?"
Dealer: "A Porsche"
McSorley: "Just a plain Porsche?"
Dealer: "Nah, a plusher Porsche"
McSorley: "Let me get this straight...The Prussian Persian Pasher in his plusher Porsche, puts pressure on the pusher who passes to a pisher?"
Dealer: "Of course!"

McSorley straps four bags of morphine to the dealer has him dress up as an organ grinder (replete with toy monkey) as the worlds biggest tranquiliser to bait the Alien. Turning his back for a second, McSorley finds the alien suitably doped up after eating the dealer. However once under arrest, the alien soon beats the wrap (thanks to bleeding heart Judge Cohen, and noted Psychiatrist 'Hansel Gretal') on the grounds that he is a juvenile and unable to have understood the rights read to him. The alien is given a name (Murray) and Judge Cohen dumps McSorley, and moves the rotund eating machine into her home (not to mention her bed)


Off the force and out of love, a broken McSorley drowns his sorrows in a local bar. Retaining a shred of dignity, he chooses not to end it all on common cheap liquor, so instead sits at the bar downing an endless (slightly pathetic) array of exotic cocktails. Making a chance phone call to Cohens grandmother, McSorley discovers that his "Honour Darling" is in fact Italian (gasp!) Judge Cohen is due to introduce Murray to her grandmother at the family run 'Zepole' stand. Against the clock, McSorley visits his famous father once more, for advice.


Sorley McSorley comes up with the idea that his son must disguise the grandmother, to cover up her otherwise Italian appearance. Arriving at the Zepole stand, McSorley leaves the 'Standard Hasidic Disguise' kit with her wise-ass son (who's constantly frying his jewelry and swearing) One fucked-up plan later, and Murray whisks Cohen away to be eaten in private. Fearful for her life, Cohen has enough time to ask a Mime Artist to warn McSorley of her impending fate.

At her appartment, McSorley consoles an unconscious Cohen (a tongue-twister in it's own right) and explains to her the painstaking levels required to deduce that a mime had informed him of her predicament.
McSorley: "When I heard nothing but silence, I knew it must be a mime, so I traced the call, and found him at a pay phone"
Cohen: "And then he told you?"
McSorley: "It wasn't easy getting information from that guy"
Cohen: "The mime?"
McSorley: "Mo Mar"
Cohen: "Mo Mar?"
McSorley: "Mo Mar the mime wouldn't murmour"
Cohen: "What did you do?"
McSorley: "Called his mama"
Cohen: "His Mama?"
McSorley: "Mimi"
Cohen: "Mimi?"
McSorley: "But mo-mar was mum to mama mimi"
Cohen: "What did you do?"
McSorley: "I said m'am, must I maim mum mime Mo Mar to make a murmour, Mimi?"
Cohen: "You maimed Mimi's Mo Mar?"
McSorley: "Couldn't...They both secretly loved to go to France"
Cohen: "France?"
McSorley: "Montmarte"
Cohen: "Let me see if I have this straight....The unmaimed mum mime Mo Mar and his mama Mimi may meet in Montmare?"
McSorley: "That's what it means"
Cohen: "My-my"



Anyhow (to cut an already long review short) McSorley pops out for batteries for his sweethearts (unbeknown) vibrator. He returns to find Murray the alien about to eat Cohen. McSorley tosses a cabbage patch doll at the alien, who nurses it with compassion...until he spys the 'MADE IN ITALY' tag, and proceeds to chomp it. Luckily our (not-so) bumbling hero has laced the doll with hidden poison, thus killing the creature.


Back on the police force, McSorley is informed by the Police captain, that despite saving the day, Murray the alien hadn't (in fact) killed anyone since his acquittal, and that McSorley is going to indicted for manslaughter. Just as things look bleak for our intrepid detective, salvation appears in the shape of Judge Cohen, who bursts into the captains office and announces she'll be leading the prosecution....and will be seeking the death penalty for our luckless hero!

The End


EAT AND RUN is a deadpan classic. If you're a fan of the Leslie Neilson brand of humour (but with more profanity and adult content) then this is the movie for you. The fact it's played straight is the key. Ron Silver (a great actor in his own right) should have done more comedies. His timing, mannerisms and body language really put him up there with the all time greats. For a low-budget NEW WORLD cheapie, it certainly delivers the goods and is surprisingly well written (unlike this overlong rambling review)


It's movies like this that confirm my belief that Adam Sandler and Jim Carey are nothing but fucking talentless overpaid childrens entertainers. If you like ultra corny, low rent, Deadpan, gross comedy (think National Lampoons Class Reunion) mixed with some genuinely witty wordplay and sight-gags, then EAT AND RUN is a great way to kill 80 minutes (and a timely reminder that comedies didn't always have to rely on box-office oxygen-thieves and huge concepts, to make the punters chuckle)

David Hess (1942 - 2011)

Switching on my PC this morning, I was shocked to read about the death of David Hess.

Hess started his career as a singer, songwriter in the late 50's and was first discovered by Perry Como (Hess' was he first artist to record 'All Shook Up' and subsequently led to him writing a few hits for Elvis Presley, Pat Boone and Andy Williams)

In 1972, his (then) brother-in-law (Martin Kove) persuaded the Hess to give acting a stab (and 'stab' it, he did) as 'Krug Stillo' in Wes Cravens groundbreaking classic The Last House On The Left. Hess also wrote and performed the haunting (sometimes jaunty) soundtrack, that still divides audiences today (personally, I think it's awesome) The Last House On The Left set a new benchmark in movie violence, and although Hess had many roles in different genres, he was best associated (not to mention 'best served') in horror movies. Hitch-Hike (alongside Franco Nero) followed in 1977, and Hess delivered the goods again. But in 1980, his role as 'Alex' in Rugerro Deodato's savage House On The Edge Of The Park, finally cemented Hess as 'The Baddest Bad-Guy In Cinema' (a movie that still suffers 13 minutes of censorship in the UK)

Hess continued to act in bit parts here and then, usually playing bad guys in U.S TV shows, and this steady revenue, enabled him to continue his passion for music. In 2009, he bounced back to the horror spotlight with SMASH CUT, a gory (low budget) tale of a fil-makers descent into madness. IMDB had Hess linked to a Deodato directed update of House On The Edge Of The Park for a 2012 release....But sadly (like Joe Spinell in Maniac 2, before him) the project is just another 'What If' for horror fans. Hess leaves behind a legion of mourning fans (myself included) and a legacy of great movies (and likewise songs)

Rest In Peace David Hess, keep on rocking

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER 2 (1996) Neil Giuntoli

After my long absence (i.e, watching 90+ back-to-back episodes of PRISONER: CELL BLOCK H with only another 600 to go) I thought I'd return to review a much maligned sequel to one of the best 'Horror' movies ever made. HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER 2 - MASK OF SANITY (Phew...what a mouthful!) has it's flaws (notably no Michael Rooker) but holds up well to it's predecessor, and retains the same 'downbeat' tone. Plus it manages the rare feat of having a rape sequence that gets right under my skin (more on that in a while)

After many shots of murdered victims (indicating that our 'hero' is still keeping active) we see Henry drag a woman into the woods, before killing her as she tries to escape. Given Henry's 'passtime', it's understandable that he has no regular address...therefore he frequents various soup kitchens and homeless shelters. During one visit, a derranged looking pervert, takes a shine to Henry, at the dinner table. Henry ignores him.

("Your carboard box or mine?")

Later in the sleep shelter, the creepy guy lays in the opposite bunk, inviting Henry to watch him whack off ("hey boy....Looky here") Henry turns around (probably not advisable, given his admirers intentions) Undeterred, the pervert casually rapes a older bum in the opposite bunk that Henry is facing. Henry just lays there (as do the other homeless folk) as the old victim screams out for help. This scene freaks me out. It's not particularly realistic (although I'm no expert on 'Gay-Rape'.... despite living in Middlesbrough) It's the hopelessness of it all. Henry (or anyone else) could easily intervene....but no-one does. Henry again, turns his back on the screaming victim and the rapist pervert. Maybe, Henry (a psycho himself) understands that the pervert is just doing his thing, and any intervention would be hypocritical?

(What the fuck?)

Leaving the shelter, Henry goes looking for work, and soon finds employment at a 'Portable-Toilet' delivery yard. He soon makes friends with co-worker Kai (and his wife 'Cricket') but seems wary of the ever-grinning sleazeball manager 'Rooter'. Kai and Cricket invite Henry to move into their spare room (until he gets on his feet, money-wise) And despite his (seemingly) timid nature, Henry forms a semblance of normality with his new housemates. Cricket's niece (the troubled) Louisa, takes a shine to Henry, and sees in him a fellow kindred spirit.

Louisa's 'attachment' to Henry is strengthened, when Henry saves her from bullying neighbourhood kids, that taunt her 'mental stability' Henry manhandles her young tormentors, who vow to "Tell their daddy" and low and behold, later that night...The young Hoodlums family arrive on Kai's doorstep, baying for blood (and trading foul-mouthed expletives at each other, in easily the movies funniest sequence)

("Tell me where this guy is, or I'm gonna start busting heads!")

Henry sneaks a peak in Kai's basement to find a stack of alarm clocks and a book labelled 'Incendiary Devices' (a red-hot read, I'll wager) before he can put two and two together, Kai confronts him, and proceeds to explain his 'after-hours' work as a 'fire-bomber' for insurance claims. Kai brings Henry into the business, and the two men set off to set a controlled inferno at a warehouse. With petrol bombs set to ignite, Henry hears a noise, and uncovers two homeless guys sleeping rough in the warehouse. Pulling out a revolver (which shocks even Kai) Henry ties up the two guys, puts them in the trunk of his car, and drives away before the warehouse is engulfed in flames (I don't know why he didn't leave them there to burn, truth be told?) Henry now plans to bring Kai into HIS 'after-hours' work......by insisting to Kai, that they shoot a homeless guy each. What's worse is, Kai seems to enjoy it....

(watt the fuck?)

Many more 'firebomb' (not to mention, portable shitter) jobs ensure, and 'arsonist-in-command' Rooter (already on Henry's shit list) incurs further wrath, when he jokingly states "Fuck up, and I'll kill ya" to our lovable serial killer. Later that night Henry (pissed off that Kai has spilt the beans to Rooter) teaches his landlord a brutal lesson in 'Shut-your-fucking-mouth'ness' by randomly killing another homeless guy (who had the Gaul to try clean his windscreen) This freaks Kai out, but he's too far into it to back out now.

(Henry: Portrait of a fucked up horse)


Louisa tries to bond with Henry (boy, can she pick em') with examples of her morose artwork (i.e, a lot of sub-par 'goth figures impaled on scythes' bullshit) which leads to Henry putting pencil to paper (resulting in a bizarre, yet strangely touching picture of a horse) Referred to as "Rocks" as it was a horse Henry had as a child, that only ate rocks (don't ask) This leads to a conversation about suicide, between our two 'would-be' starlets (as you do) Louisa looks determined to take 'it' to the next level with Henry, but (luckily for her) Henry makes his excuses an leaves.

Kai is set upon by the disgrunted father (plus two of his buddies) from earlier, who proceed to give Kai the 'Ike Turner' treatment. Battered, bruised (and feeling not quite a 'Real' man) Kai confides to Henry that he'd like to (quote) "Get all those bastards, burn all their fuckin' houses down") to a dissinterested Henry. In fact, our pint-sized serial killer suggests that Kai get revenge, by killing some random guy at the spare of the moment. And pulling up at a gas station, the two men do just that. Kai kicks the shit out of a hapless mechanic, before stabbing him, and Henry finishes him off by slitting his throat.

Despite his reservations, murdering a bunch of winos works wonders for Kai's flagging marriage to Cricket, as it seems to increase his libido (which in turn, disgusts Henry) Armed with a revived sexlife, and wanting to protect her (already obsessed) neice, Cricket wants Henry to move out, and tells Kai to turf him out. Henry (surprisingly) agrees, but suggests that they both go out for one last night of fun. Which means breaking into the house of an elderly couple (decapitating the male, suffocating the woman) This is the final straw for Kai (fucking hypocrite he is) and afterwards the two men come to blows (with Henry getting the upper hand)

(Redneck)

A (now besotted) Louisa attempts to woo Henry, who rejects her...causing our disturbed heroine to call him (quote) "A fucking fag" before threatening to (quote) "Blow my own fucking brains out" Henry flees, but a distraught Louisa rummages through Kai's kit-bag and finds his revolver. Meanwhile Henry, Kai and Cricket attend a party at Rooters house. Rooter mocks the fact that both men have been fighting each other (casting further aspersions on their sexuality) and then proceedes to make matters 16 times fucking worse by spiking Henry's beer with LSD (bad idea) Henry returns later on, and repays the favour by 'spiking' Rooters nose (with a big-ass screwdriver) Kai witnesses this, and helps Henry cut up Rooters corpse (and even offing a bystander that's snooping around)

With the corpses bagged and burnt, Henry returns home with Kai (and cricket) to find a hysteric Louisa, with a gun barrel to her head. Despite the pleas of the trio, Lousia blows her brains out. This upsets Henry enough, to make him realise that now is the time to 'move on'. But not before he shoots both Kai and Cricket. Dumping all three bodies in the basement (and utilizing the arsonist skills his friend taught him) Henry douses the house in petrol (caring little that Kai is still alive) and throws a flare into the house.

Henry drives off, the house explodes, the titles roll.

HENRY PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER 2 is probably hated by about 95% of Gods-blue-and-green-misery-orb. Despite it's lead actor being at least foot shorter than Michael Rooker (and resembling the love-child of Art Hindle and John Heard) the movie is filled with enough sleazy offbeat carnage to please fans willing to overlook the absence of original star and director. It retains the gritty, urban feel of it's predecessor (plus touches of offeat black humour) The murders are a little more gruesome, but just as upsetting. Neil Giuntoli aquits himself well and convinces in the quieter scenes as well as the 'bat-shit' sequences. The other actors (no academy favourites amongst them) play their roles well enough. Cricket (Kate Walsh) has clearly been to the Gaylen Ross school of acting (which is no bad thing in a movie as nihilstic as this) Whilst Rich Komenich (bearing an uncanny resemblance to Jeffery Dean Morgan in WATCHMEN....albeit in the 'Comedians' later, washed up years) certainly doesn't phone it in either as Kai, the slightly pathetic arsonist, murderer and impotent redneck anti-villain.

(Salvation Barmy)

Director Chuck Parello seems to have a thing for serial killers. He directed the (dire) ED GEIN in 2000...before redeeming himself with in 2004 the (insanely hilarious) HILLSIDE STRANGLERS (starring C. Thomas Howell and Nicolas Turturro) which would make a great double-bill. I would advise anyone not familiar with these two movies to seek them out. And as great as the John McNaughton 'HENRY' is, this sequel is a lot better than it has any right to be (plus a must for lovers of low rent, high sleaze urban horror movies)

Memorable quote:

Kai "Son of a fucking bitch"

Happy Birthday Sylvester Stallone

Not had much time of recent to post up any reviews (working on a few...and finally located my SHARK ATTACK 3 dvd) and what with the sad passing of Peter Falk, it's never a better time to celebrate my favourite actors Birthday.

Not much to say about Stallone, other than his rise to fame inspired billions (let alone his movies) For all the slick pumped up action flicks, he'll be (rightfully) associated with the ROCKY movies (those movies are a template to my life...regardless of what heights you actually reach) Add to his acting, writing, producing, and singing abilities (come on...."Too Close To Paradise" is a classic song) he also comes across a genuinely warm and witty guy, not afraid to mock his own image and mortality. And at 65 years of age (today) the guy is still built like a piece of steel.

He briefly dipped his toes into DTV land in the late 90's early 2000's....but has since bounced back with ROCKY BALBOA, RAMBO and THE EXPENDABLES (which is great, because quite frankly, I'm sick to death of so-called 'action stars' like Matt Damon and Orlando Bloom) With many other projects lined up, Stallone shows no signs of slowing down. Long may be reign as the finest action hero in history (not to mention, a great actor)



Happy Birthday Sly