THE KILLING MAN (1994) Jeff Wincott

One of my favourite DTV rentals (and one of my first DVD purchases) was this classic Canuxploitation flick, THE KILLING MAN (a.k.a, KILLING MACHINE in the UK) staring Jeff (the ref) Wincott and 'Rent-A-Bastard' Michael Ironside.



Heavily bandaged amnesiac (Wincott) wakes up in a hospital bed (but clearly NOT a hospital ward) with nothing but flashbacks from a fiery explosion. Doctors enter his darkened room to remove his bandages and reveal that he's had extensive plastic surgery, resulting in a new face.

(with 'Special-Guest-Star' - Bruce Jenner)

Yet everyone remains tight lipped about who he is, why he's here, and why he's force fed violent images on a TV screen. On the plus side, he has a buxom blonde nurse strip off and indulge in (softcore, 90's style, saxophone accompanied) sex with him (Shame on you for not mentioning that in SICKO, Michael Moore!)

("I've got some good news, and bad news")

Enter Dr Green (Ironside) head of a sinister government agency. Green fills in the missing gaps, by explaining to the amnesiac that his real name is Harlin Garrett, that the flashbacks are memories of his former profession (top hitman for the mob) and in payment for his new face and identity, Green would like to recruit him for future work for the "Safety of state security"

("Sign the 'Don't-Throw-A-Knife-In-My-heart' clause of your contract, Jeff?")

But first Green must re-awaken Garrets killer instincts.....First with a fight with the employed guards (led by Greens henchman, Turner) and secondly a low-life Rastafarian criminal (who has just shot an elderly Korean couple eight times each in the face for $73) who Green tosses into Garrets room like a piece of meat.

("Take that, you ruffian!")

Garrett proves his worth to Green (after killing the criminal in self defence) and is set free, with his new given identity of 'Danny Grange'. However Green Assures Garrett that he is watching his every move, and can have him killed at any time, should he try to run?

(That damn 'Stephen Baldwin' gets everywhere?)

Racked with guilt over his past (and 'non-plussed' at his future) Garrett walks the streets, sullen, angry and replete with self loathing voice overs. He contemplates suicide at one point, but decides (like George Michael and Andrew Ridgley, before him) to 'Choose Life' (fuck 'Trainspotting'...i hate that overrrated turd of a movie...WHAM rock!)

("Made it ma.......Top of the video charts!")

A chance meeting in a strip bar, reunites Garrett with a former lover (and hinted 'ex-lover') Jane (who doesn't recognise Garrett at first, until he beats the shit out of a Narc for Dr Green, and a gang of drunks) Jane explains that it's no longer safe to be associated with garrett and begs him to leave her alone, for both of their sakes.

(Jeff reminded Jane that the 'Linda Hamilton' look, was sooooo... 1984)

Strolling through a fog filled alleyway, Garrett stops (i.e, 'kicks the living shit out of') two hoods giving a hobo the 'Rodney King Workout' (one of them threatens Garret with "I'm gonna cut your nuts off, motherfucker") Garrett leaves them 'Fubar' were he found them (and with nuts intact) he turns slowly, to notice the hobo extracting brutal retribution on his two (now unconscious) assailants, such is the circle of violence, that our troubled hero knows only too well.

(Jeff went off his trolley)

For his first kill, Green demmands that Garrett kill Jane, as she knows about his new face and identity. Garret agrees, but instead tells Jane to leave town, rather than kill her. He lies to Green (who knows bullshit when he smells it) and upon returning to his apartment, Garret is given a travel case, with Jane's severed head inside (obviously a 'one-take-shot', as the actress clearly twitches her face) There really is no escape from Dr Green and his shadowy agency (hell, even David Bradley would be getting the 'Hershey-Squirts' about now)

(Do not ask for 'head, as refusal often offends)

Garretts next 'Mark' is a gay rights activist, Tom Baker (No...not the fourth Doctor Who) and our hero poses as his limousine driver, and later a potential love interest, to lure the poor sap to his death. After murdering him (off screen) a news report later announces that "Baker was a victim of a bloody sado-masochistic scene that went too far" (so no Columbo's were harmed during that murder investigation, i guess?)

("Just one puff" .... "Fag in mouth" .... Oooh-eerrr!)

Green informs Garrett that his next target is (nosey) 'investigative reporter' David Conner, who is seen discussing his latest 'scoop' with a female scientist, Dr Ann Kendall (more about her, later) Later that night, garrett attempts to kill Conner, but is saved the job, when the reporters (can't-shoot-for-shit) wife attempts to defend her husband (although once again, Columbo would sniff straight through a bullshit 'accidental-shooting-of-husband-plea' before the first ad-break, methinks?)

(Silly bitch, at least look were you're shooting?)

Next on Greens hit-list is the formentioned Ann Kendall, who works at a research centre for AIDS (mmmmm......gay activist......nosey reporter.....AIDS reserch...how refreshingly 90's) Garret decides to befriend the shy, workaholic Dr Kendall, by first pickpocketing her wallet, and then returning it, and also saving her from the over amorous advances of her co-worker (and chief of security) the (under-sexed, over curious) Steve Rodgers (who had previously wooed her with "Working with a homosexual disease all day, can't be good for you?")

("It's not quite miseltoe, but it'll do?")

A few more chance encounters between Garrett and Anne, winds up in (another) softcore sex scene, but it seems that Garrett is not just another 'splash and dash' merchant, he's falling for the dame, thus developing a conscience about killing her. So instead, he opts to break into her laboratory to steal her tests results and reports (which worryingly hint at the prospect of AIDS being a engineered disease...tut, tut, tut, naughty government!)

(Dr Anne Kendall, AIDS researcher ... sleeps with strangers on the second date)

However, with his ego (and ass) bruised, nosey chief of security, Steve rodgers has been doing some snooping on Garretts mysterious past, and is waiting to confront him with his findings. Garrett is even more shocked to find Anne waiting at her lab (and even worse, Dr Green and his henchmen are closing in on the whole shebang!)

("Give me your clothes, boots and hair")

After killing Rodgers (in self defence) Garrett explains to an hysterical Anne that he never intended to kill her, but that they both should skip town (or 'Toronto-Pronto' ho-ho!) Too late...the evil Dr Green and his goons turn up, shoot the shit out of every thing (including Anne) so it's up to garrett to get her to a hospital, whilst indulging in several bouts of 'Heroic Bloodshed' (Canadian style...don't worry Mr Woo) and culminating in a bone-breaking show down with #1 henchman, Turner (replete wth slo-mo punch fu)

(Jeff found a great way to pick up women)

Just as he thinks he's got himself (and a badly injured Anne) out of the building, Green pulls a gun on the love-struck couple. Garrett has a trick (plus a knife) up his sleeve for Dr Green (bye, bye, you nasty Canadian Homophobe!) And we the humble viewer are treat to a 'knifes-eye' shot as the blade heads towards the governmental rotter!

("You promised me in picture five, Jeff")

The police arrive, Anne is carted off to hospital. Garett however, is arrested and taken away in a police car (ready to atone for his previous sins) Sorry folks, no happy endings here (try Beneath The Planet Of The Apes if you want laughs)

(The poignant ending)

THE KILLING MAN is not a out-and-out 'action' flick as such. Wincott kicks a lot of asses (lays a fare bit of pipe, as well) but this movie has a much darker tone than his other flicks. The AIDS storyline, the downbeat scenario, the killing of innocents, and a murderer for a hero, set it apart from routine biff em' ups of the nineties. And i think it's a neat little STV action-thriller. Producer Damian Lee always seemed to be involved in the 'darker' Wincott movies. And this is indeed one of them.


Wincott (as usual) puts in a great performance, handling both and the action and drama with equal aplomb. Ironside is his usual smugly sinister self, and lends a bit of added weight to what is presumably a low-budget (tax-shelter) Canadian production. The rest of the cast are decent enough. The production/camera work are workmanlike and professional enough (the picture quality on my SIMITAR DVD is pretty ropey though!)

DEATH GAME (2001) Joe Lara

Sat up in the clouds (at DVD Heaven) I was trying to think of a good review (until i woke up and remembered I'm a lousy reviewer anyhow) So i thought I'd delve through my (extensive) back-catalogue of (rightfully) obscure DVD releases. And after much musing, i came across this bizarre hybrid of various genres, which i like to call 'HE GOT DEATH WISH GAME' more commonly known as DEATH GAME.

(Slightly different name......Same shit!)

DEATH GAME is credited as being a 2001 production (though it looks like it was made circa 1987) Only a few (lame) hip-hop beats, and 'Michael Jordan' posters prove otherwise. It's also part of a new (new) CANNON MOVIES spin off, known as NEW CANNON INC (which makes it sound more like a computer printer, than a studio on a comeback) Plus it's a 'Menahem Golan joint' (so depending on your tastes, you can stop reading now....or at least take pleasure from my many spelling mistakes, throughout this review)

The pic opens up with a basketball game (at a high school) between 'The Tigers' and 'The Supremes'. The cheesy synth/rock soundtrack also highlight the catchy self-titled 'Ditty' which plays over this (rather) un-energetic game. The Tigers star player Jackie Stewart is heading for the NBA, and his coach, Mickey Haiden (Joe Lara) is determined to keep his star pupil on the straight and narrow. However, when two Russian hoods enter the game at half time and try to lure Jackie with a sports car (a $7,000 Hyundai Sonata) and a bag of 'Devils Dandruff, the Coach finds the drugs in the locker-room, he goes ape-shit and will risk (seemingly) everything, to help his star pupil.

(Sadly Bokeem Woodbine was unavailable....and worse still, Joe Lara WAS!)

After a coked-up Jackie under performs in the second half, Haiden confronts the two hoods, you laugh at him. And he also follows Jackie home...and gets (rather uncomfortably) friendly with Jackie's mother (who keeps asking the Coach to call her mother, and declares "My house is your house")

(Jackie's Mom talls the neighbours that "No-one steals from the 'House Of Dolemite')

Actually, the movie is littered with misplaced parental responsibilities like this. Jackie's mom seems more maternal towards the coach, than her own son...and the coach (literally) sacrifices his families safety, over Jackie's career. I'd like to think there was pre-written undercurrent of 'dynamic repression' built into the plot...but it's probably just bad writing (and believe me, the movie is littered with such)

(Coach Haiden, with his overlooked family, and unlikely mother)

Coach follows Jackie to a nightclub (called 'The Reactor') and sees his star player, getting all friendly with the Russian Goons (plus a few ditzy sluts) and asks Jackieto leave, but is bluntly told to "Fuck Off!" Haiden confronts the two hoods, and covers them in the leftover 'cocaine'...which promptly leads to them kicking the shit out of him (Lara's no big action star in this one folks, so get used to it)

("Who ordered coke?")

Jackie, the hoods and whores all head to a (not-so) luxurious mansion, in which the would-be Michael Jordan, indulges in some 'water sports' in the Jacuzzi with the two bimbos. Meanwhile, the two hoods report to their boss, the sinister Mr Big, who wants to lure Jackie over to the darkside. With a house/henchmen/sluts of this calibre at his disposal, you'd expect the bad guy to be some suave, handsome, musclebound villain...............well, instead of that, we get Billy-Fucking-Drago (probably the reason i bought this dvd in the first place) playing crimelord, extraordinaire, Shakes Montrose (great name BTW) replete with crazy hand gestures, Sam Seed wig, and monologues that would make Anders Hove wince.

(One for the ladies)

Montrose doesn't want the Coach meddling in his business, and sends his goons round to give the 'Haiden Family' a scare. Haiden (still beat up from the nightclub fiasco) is at hospital with his wife, leaving his young son, home alone (with Guard dog Bubbles, as protection) The hoods taunt the boy and kill his dog. When Coach returns home, he finds his traumatised son in the bath-tub, holding a (obviously, fake) dead dog (which resembles a white fur coat) covered in ketchup. With a warning smeared in blood across the walls that states:

"A 3 POINT GAME"
"#1 DOG"
"#2 ?"

The police arrive at the Haiden household, and an old friend, sympathetic police Chief Canton (the legend that is Richard Lynch) assures Haiden that he'll receive police protection 24/7 until the culprits are found. However (and let's face it, you didn't expect Richard Lynch to be a fucking choir-boy now, did you?) it turns out that the Chief is on the 'payroll' of the (ever-so-good-looking) Montrose.

(And another for the ladies)

Meanwhile Jackie convinces Montrose to make peace with the coach. And they all go out for a meal (witness Jackies mom look aghast at the prospect of $1000 food, which looks like plain old soup to you and I!) When Montrose pulls Haiden to one side, to cut a shifty deal over Jackie's future...the coach refuses. Montrose (slightly pissed off) later sends his goons round Haidens home (which isn't particularly well police protected) to make good on their earlier blood-smeared threat. Once inside, they procede to rape the shit out of the Coaches wife (in a genuinely uncomfortable scene, that sits uneasy with the surrounding cheese) But i suppose CANNON would never shy away from the odd rape scene in their movies, so I guess we're stuck with it (or maybe they should have retitled it 'FORCED-LOVE AND BASKETBALL'...ho-ho!)

(Oh the 'symmetry' of those fortress gates)

With his wife raped, hospitalised and in a coma, and his young son (further) traumatised.....The coach seems (oddly) still concerned about the whereabouts of Jackie, and heads over to Montroses (ahem) mini-mansion...not so much to have it out, but to rescue his star player (and hopefully win the finals?) Chief Canton is already at Montose's laying down what little law is left in him, which leads to the following (classic) threat/riddle/limerick/tongue-twister:

"You know that I know you know"
"And I know, you know I know"

(Billy realised exactly were this motion picture would be heading)

Baffling Dialogue aside, the chiefs campfire is well and truly pissed on, when montrose shows a Video-Cassette of the many 'pay-off's' Canton has taken. Montrose decides to hold a (quote) "hunting party" with the police chief (possible 'karma' for OPEN SEASON, 1974?) and thankfully (and at long last) a shitstorm of action, bullets and crashing wobbly gates enliven the tedium (and most likely, ugobbles up the movies entire $4, 000 budget in one badly-filmed swoop) During the Gunplay, Coach Haiden turns up and starts bringing the 'ruckus to all the motherfuckaz' but is too late to save Canton, who is shot by montrose in a (4ft high, yet made to look much deeper) backyard canyon. The police soon arrive (as usual) 1 minute after the carnage ends. Montrose claims that Coach shot Canton, and the police totally buy it. Basic forensics (and the most retarded common sense) would say otherwise, but none-the-less the Coach is detained (and still seems more upset about missing the play-offs) than his wife, child and predicament.

("I love you to death....I love you to death...I love you to death...Oooh Baby!")

However, one cop Detective Stone (a 'Village Person', if I've ever seen one) sees through the bullshit, and lets Haiden free (partly because there's no genuine fucking evidence, and also because he wants to see the 'Tigers' win the final) So after a brief visit to see his dying wife (who is completely awake, dressed and recovered, after being in a coma for a day) the coach heads to the basketball hall.....to guide his team to the top, and Jackie to the NBA (and trust me, it seems the ONLY real priority in his life)

(A post rape/coma Mrs Haiden, clearly affected by such atrocities)

The game starts off, and the Tigers aren't doing so well. Jackie doesn't seem focused (no shit, he's been loosely involved in and around 7-10 murders in the last 24 hours) and things don't get any better, when Montrose and his two goons turn up at the game, and try to dish out the cocaine again. Coach catches Jackie with the powder, but confesses that he'd never touch the 'stuff again.....and (a quick pep talk later) Jackie goes out for the second half feeling better. The coach (who waits in the locker-room mmmm?) is suddenly attacked by the two Russian hoods (one of whom, he shoots dead) The second goon is about to blab all to the Coach, but is shot by non other than Montrose (who fires off another long-winded speech)

(Accion Mutante always targetted the 'Beautiful ones')

The police arrive (on fucking time for a change) and arrest Montrose, and despite having just murdered someone in cold blood, Detective Stone (who quite clearly has a 'thing' for Coach) allows the coach to carry on the second half of the game. Needless to say, Jackie improves, the Tigers win (and hell, even Haidens traumatised son calls Jackie's mom "Grandma")

(Fuck yeah!)

DEATH GAME is (on the surface) a flat out bad movie. Basketballs clearly change colour, during dunks, the games are lethargic, badly coreographed snooze-fests, and the lady playing Jackie's mom is the worst actress since Lady Reed. It doesn't contain a great deal of action, which wouldn't be too bad, except that no-one wants to see Joe Lara play 'Hamlet' (i know i fucking don't!) Were it not for the star quality of Billy Drago and Richard Lynch, this movie would not have bee made. Yet for it's many faults, it's still a goofy movie (minus THAT nasty rape sequence) that will appeal to bad movie lovers, everywhee. Not much of a glowing recommendation...but it's cheesy, contains just enough sleazy exploitation and (like the 'cheep cider' I guzzle)...it eventually gets you there!

(Just one more, for the horny ladies out there)

CA$H (2010) Sean Bean

CA$H limped direct to DVD in the UK (after a limited US release, where it made a piss-poor $47, 000 at the Box Office) However, don't let the 'DTV' premier and low returns put you off, what is clearly one of the best crime thrillers of the last decade.



Sean Bean plays Pyke Kubic, an English criminal (replete with 'Ecky Thump' Yorkshire accent) who comes to Chicago to visit his twin brother Reeve, who is banged up for a bank robbery. Reeve tells Pyke that he threw the suitcase of loot off a bridge, before the cops caught him, and that it landed on an old 'Buick' Station-wagon.



The recipient of the windfall is Sam Phelan, who along with his cash-strapped wife, Leslie decide to keep the money (which totals over $600, 000) for themselves, and it's through their materialistic greed (plus their stupidity of paying for everything with Cash) that Pyke tracks them down (via Car Payment receipts)

Pyke (in true TERMINATOR style) knocks on a few wrong doors, in his quest to find the money. He stumbles across Glenn (SHOWGIRLS) Plummer (playing a character called 'Glenn The Plumber') And he also puts the loud-mouthed Plumber (plus a few misconceptions about tough talking Afro-Caribbeans) in their place, bfore moving onto the next address.

(With neither SPEED 3 or SHOWGIRLS 2 on the horizon, Glenn felt a career change was in order)

Next up, Pyke comes across Melvin Goldberg (Legendary character actor, Mike Starr) who it turns out is guilty of theft, but not Reeves swag. The theme of 'We are all corruptible' runs throughout the movie, which somehow helps endear (an otherwise) cold calculating character like Pyke to the audience...Despite his brutal nature, he is no more corrupt than the (supposed) good guys in this movie.

("What does it take to change the essence of a....FUCK IT...Where's the loot?")

Now Pyke wants his money (to the exact penny) and this guy gets paid faster than a bailiff in a Ken Loach movie. So armed with menace, a gun, and an accent that would make John Rhys (Cyborg Cop) Davies weep into his 'Tetley Tea Cup'....he sets about teaching the couple a valuable lesson in life. Kubic Pyke is the bailiff from hell (thank fuck he doesn't work for Northumbrian Water, otherwise i'd be moving house.......pronto)



The hapless (albeit, naive) Phelan's find that Bean is a immovable force in their lives, and that their initial cover-up of the cash (plus Beans imposing persona) prevents them from ringing the police. When Pyke (literally) moves into their house, he gives them five days to find the remaining $13, 000 owed, thus forcing the young couple to re-mortgage their house (which had only just been paid off, rather smugly, weeks before)


When the overall figure is still not met (and Leslie's offer of a sexual currency spurned) Pyke forces the Phelan's to rob convenience stores. At first disgusted and reluctant, the Phelan's soon embrace the 'outlaw' lifestyle, and find out a few home truths about each other, along the way.

(Konica...Colours...are calling you)

Sean Bean is great in this movie. His Yorkshire accent adds to proceedings, and makes his many foul mouthed rants all the more funnier. The other actors are ok, but are rightfuly outshone by Bean (who seems even more out of place, alongside the americans, due to his yorkshire accent) which turns the most basic of insults into something side-splitting.

Witness as Bean utters such lines as:

"I refuse you're offer of pussy!"

"Jew motherfucker!"

"Trail was as hot as a street whores snatch!"

CA$H defies it's STV credentials, and keeps the viewer engaged, whilst giving food for thought afterwards. I prefer a well made, tightly plotted thriller like this, over a dozen Tarantino homage-fests. And fans of good old fashioned (down to earth) movies, should embrace this film as a breath of fresh air, in a sea of CGI diarrhoea that clogs up the cinemas of recent. The final scene, screams out for a sequel, but i dare say it's ultra low box office reception will deny us this. However i can wholeheartedly recommend this cracking crime thriller/comedy/morality play/DVD release.

STAND ALONE: The Films Of Mickey Rourke (New Book.....Available NOW)

A great actor who's dipped his toes in many a murky 'DTV' water is Mickey Rourke. I loved his performances in Barfly (top ten material) The Pope Of Greenwich Village, Homeboy (and even Double Team, Bullet and Point Blank) Well, Mickey's out of that DTV wildnerness now, thank God (sorry atheists) and once again a major player in Hollywood.

For many years on IMDB, I've been in correspondence with the author (a likewise avid Seagal-Fan) And his new book charts all of Rourke's cinematic ups and downs, in a fact-finding read, with a passionate, well researched/informed stance on the topic at hand (and is a must for all fans of this enigmatic actor)

Stand Alone: The Films Of Mickey Rourke

Stand Alone: The Films of Mickey Rourke is the book that Rourke fans have been waiting for. Combining reviews and analytical discussion of all his films (including rare short movies and unreleased TV pilots), the book takes a critical and detailed look at his career, acting performances and lifeworks. Included are interviews with cast and crew from some of his lesser known features, rare interview snippets from Rourke himself as well as fully transcribed answers by him from a Q&A appearance in London 2009 and from the full taping of the Inside the Actors Studio Programme.
The author has followed Rourke’s career for almost 20 years and has written articles and reviews on him in Time Out, Total Film, Empire Online and the Independent Film Magazine. If you want a book that concentrates on his work, his legacy and the films he has made then you will find Stand Alone a challenging and engaging read.

Now Available on paperback and E-book formats.

Release Trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3ASNtQfB5U/

The book can be purchased from the Lulu website at:

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/stand-alone-the-films-of-mickey- rourke/14410358?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/cen ter/3/

The Amazon Kindle download at:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stand-Alone-Films-MICKEY-ROURKE/dp/B004HFS3WQ/ ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=digital-text&qid=1293625966&sr=1-1

On Ebay at:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=330512309460
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=330513553576

***STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESS***

The author of this book, invites you all to his Rourke website

http://www.mickey-rourke.com/

So what are you waiting for...read a great book and visit an informative website about a likewise actor!

DEADLY CROSSING (2010) Steven Seagal

(The 'Scowl'....Seagal
The 'Hair'...Seagal
The 'Nose'....Rumpole Of The Bailey)

Steven Seagal is back in (PG-13) action in this 'avid fart' festooned, confusing cop drama, that features tittless strip shows, near-obscenities and regular 'fade-outs'......all of which give the impression of a bad pilot for a would-be TV show.

Guess what.......IT FUCKING IS!!!!!

'Deadly Crossing', is in fact, a two episode compilation of Sensei's latest TV show 'True Justice'......Sadly to say, i don't think it'll gain Seagal any new fans, but the (ever-forgiving) die-hard Seagal buffs, may find something to enjoy here. At least it opens with one of Seagals better songs (from the 'Songs From The Crystal Cave' album) 'MY GOD' (featuring Stevie Wonder) as the (obviously generic TV style) titles roll......

(Seagal shows us the ropes...then proceeds to cut it's fucking head off)

Seagal stars as Elijah Kane (badass name) head of a Seattle unit of undercover cops, that use 'Unconventional methods' ('surprise, sur-fucking-prise) who take down various bad guys (usually Russians) from Crimes (usually drug deals) in a variety of 'glitzy' locations (usually strip clubs) The plot (already all over the place, due to the fact that it's been edited from two 'open-and-shut' episodes to resemble one full case) is strained even further, by not giving Lord Seagal enough screen-time and instead concentrating on secondary characters (who mostly resemble 'Sunset Beach' rejects/junkies/drop-outs)

The plots (as mismatched as they are) contain: a liquour-store shoot-out, a female cop (who doesn't fawn at the sight of Lord Steven...therefore a suspected murderer) and a gang of Cajun campfire trailer trash who are in cahoots with Russian gun/drug runners (wtf) And because these events are meant to exist in 2 seperate 45 minute episodes, the narative feels badly stretched over the 90 minute mark. Maybe as stand alone episodes, they may fare better... as they are here, they feel extremely padded?

Kane's team consist of the usual clichés associated with such shows:

(A younger, hot-headed, rather fey-looking maverick)

(A token black man, looking particularly enthused at such an undertaking)

(A sluttish, hard-nosed bitch, who secretly lusts for the Sensei
and an equally sluttish rookie, keen to prove herself in her new job, thus sticking her chest out further than the other)

All of the above look up to Kane (and not just because he's a 6.5" mangod of sexual Aikido) but because (and the following "quotes" are from the actual True Justice 'press release')

Quote: "Elijah Kane is as good as they come"

Quote: "Kane, although admirable in honor and worthy of praise for his moral principles, has a past shrouded in mystery"

Quote: "Performing under intense pressure and composed in life threatening situations, he demonstrates the expertise of a warrior, clearly ex-military; exercising his abilities gained in his work with special ops forces"

Quote: "Kane's second in command, Juliet, admires his strong sense of justice and righteousness, especially when it comes to protecting those weaker than him"

Quote: "These young cops look up to Kane in reverence and admiration"

Now those quotes prove to be much better than the actualend result...But i applaud the po-faced nature of such unintentional howlers. And i suspect this show (if picked up for a few seasons may achieve cult status, and actually rank alongside 'So-bad-they're-good' material (i.e) ATTACK FORCE and TODAY YOU DIE.

(A Russian bad guy, who my long-suffering girlfriend informed me, was in Ally McBeal........What would Harrison Ford Say?)

Seagal looks in OK shape (a little heavier, but still fast enough) but seems to be constantly doubled in any shot that shows him from behind (i'm not entirely sure why this is?) But there's no audio dubbing of his voice (yahoo!) The other actors (as mentioned) seem more like 'models' and 'clothes pegs' rather than characters...but Seagal interacts OK with them. They all make at least a dozen references to his bad-assery...which sort of eliviate the tedium (and help the cheap cider go down your throat, that little easier!)

("The Girlies Say They Love Me.....And That's OK...And I Can Dance Better Than Any Kid Or Play")

Now being a TV show (and more importantly not a H.B.O TV show) the profanity and nudity is non-existent. The fight scenes, which there's about 4 or 5 (despite the expected 'erratic' shaky-cam) still contain a few 'trademark' Seagal moves, but are pedestrian, and lack the brutality of recent fare (like Driven To Kill or A Dangerous Man)

(Not the most flattering picture of Sensei Seagal, I might add!)

Some of the more basic stuff looks doubled, yet more of the better moves are Seagal (he even throws a kick or two) but rarely does any scene last longer than a few frames (fights or otherwise) One plus point, is that the production values of this show looks more professional than some of Seagals movies (of late)

("What do you mean 'Porker Texas Ranger'?")

The one big annoyance being the whole 'sped-up' and 'Fast Zoom' camera techniques (or 'Avid Farts' as Vern calls them) that punctuate the beginning of nearly every scene. Any fans expecting this show to be a C.S.I rival, can think again. The plot occasionally has a bit of police procedure and cop-lingo.....but little running time goes into solving the case, other than receiving tip offs, or being at the right time at the right place. Hopefully, this show will have more genuine 'detective' work, if it intends to have a second season. As a 45 minute show, i wish it well.....as a DVD marked £9.99 alongside other (genuine) movies in my local supermarket.....only my 'Seagal love' and 'completeism' deter me from going 'loco' with my air pistol in Morrisons.

("Big-ger-shoe, sir" asked the homeless newspaper selesman)

Anyhow (and you'd have to be fucktard to consider this a 'Spoiler') Kane gets the russian mob boss/arms/drug dealer, and launches (his usual) hand-to-broken-hand one-sided onslaught on the poor fucker....Culminating in a semi-decent act of leg-breaking, that makes the viewer beg for the days of MARKED FOR DEATH

(Ouch #1)

As a whole, 'Deadly Crossing' should have been sold as a budget release. Casual punters paying full price for a TV show, may resent and unjustifiably overlook any future projects, due to feeling shortchanged with this one. Optimum DVD (who seem to be releasing most of Seagals recent offerings) don't even offer up a trailer (despite a trailer actually existing, and a lot more exciting than the movie it's advertising) and we must also welcome the return of the time-honoured tradition of 'Misleading-Artwork-Bullshit.........Featuring cover art with 'Helicopters and explosions' (Check the cover art)

(Oh, and BTW, there's an obligitory 'Seagal kisses a mysterious woman' parting shot, which can only be a plus, in a sea of negatives?)

After the (dissapointing, but ultimately still badass) Born To Raise Hell, this release is a misleading misfire, and it's deception/pretention of being perceived as a genuine release, won't win any Seagal new fans (nor inspire any interest in future stuff) I'd have sooner Seagal knocked out a genuine 'quickie' dtv movie, than to follow up 'Machete' with a TV show (but hey, i guess these decisions are way out of his hands) I have a strong feeling that OPTIMUM DVD may release the show in 2 episode mash-up 'dvd releases' like this one, which may ruin what could have been a half decent TV show.


If my review sounds 'damning'...it's probably because i don't mind Seagal Sensei making shit movies....I just take umbrage to him making 'Shit TV shows' and then being packaged like movies. If my review seems under-written (in regards to plot) it's because there's not much to speak about (even my Girlfriend complained about the never-ending scenes of night-time ariel shots of builings and sped-up sunrises, replete with accelarated traffic) But as much as it seems like i'm completely ragging on this release......hey, it's still Seagal...so it's therefore light years ahead of all this Matt Damon/Shia LaPoof shit that clog up the multiplexes.

Buy the 'movie'...Realise it isn't......Drink that cider.....Show it to your girlfriend